The hundred-dollar bill thought for a moment and said, "tear it up, you don't even have five dollars!" " "
Who will tell me a joke? A meeting in a village is held in a village. Because of homophonic, the township head said; Rabbits and shrimps, don't burn melons, pickles are too expensive. Comrades and villagers, don't talk. Let's have a meeting now. The host said; Sausage and melon with pickles, please. (Now please speak to the head of the township) The head of the township said; Rabbit, shrimp and dog ate today's meal. Everyone is a turtle. Comrades and villagers, we have enough food today. Let's all use big bowls. Don't be a pickle, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. Stop it, I'll tell you a story. ) Someone may eat this shit. Someone may know the story. Don't worry about what you can't eat (don't worry about what you don't know) I'll pull it for you now.
A local Guangdong cadre accompanied foreign cadres to visit the suburbs and said happily, "Looking at the suburbs from the bow, the more beautiful you look." As a result, foreign comrades heard: "Sit on the bed and look at your wife."
A Cantonese went to a restaurant in Beijing for dinner and asked, "Miss, how much is a bowl of jiaozi?" As a result, when the waiter heard "How much is a night's sleep", he angrily scolded the "rogue". I didn't expect the Cantonese to have a poor standard of Mandarin, but he said cheerfully, "Sixty cents? Two bowls! " Tutu said, "My mother calls me Tutu, which is nice!" "
& gt Pig said, "My mother calls me a pig, which is nice!" "
& gt The dog said, "My mother calls me a puppy, which is nice!" "
& gt Chicken said, "You talk, I'll go first!" "
& gt Rabbit said, "I am a rabbit!" "
& gt The pig said, "I am a son of a bitch!" "
& gt Chicken said, "I am a son of a bitch!" "
& gt The dog said, "You talk, I'll go first!" "
& gt0 sparring partner said, "Outsiders call me zero sparring partner, which is nice!"
No.65438 +0 sparring partner said, "It's good to have an outsider!"
& gt No.2 sparring partner said, "It's good for outsiders to call me Second Escort!"
& gt No.3 sparring partner said, "You talk, let's go first!"
& gt The cat said to me, "I'm your grandmother's cat. It's beautiful!" "
& gt The dog said to me, "I'm your grandmother's dog. It sounds nice!" "
& gt Fish said to me, "I'm your grandmother's fish. It sounds nice!" "
& gt Bear said, "You talk, I'll go first!" "
& gt Lang Ke said, "People call me a ronin, which is very nice!"
& gt The samurai said, "It's nice to be called a samurai!"
& gt The expert said, "It's nice to be called an expert!" "
& gt The swordsman said, "You talk, I'll go first! A couple came to the wishing pool. The husband bent down, made a wish and threw a coin into the well. My wife also wanted to make a wish, but when she bent down, she accidentally fell into the well. The husband was startled, then smiled and said to himself, "Spirit * * *! "Spiders love ants deeply, but they are rejected when expressing their love. The spider shouted, "Why? What is all this about? "The ant said timidly," My mother said that people who stay online all day are not good people! " "One day in class, the teacher asked a sleeping classmate a question:
Teacher: This classmate, why does the text say that bees add life to the garden?
Classmate: Didn't the bees steal the pollen, and the flowers were angry?
Teacher: You talk nonsense!
Classmate: How can I talk nonsense? It's not that the flowers are angry, but where they are angry-in full bloom! A man came to work with red eyes, and his colleague asked, "What's the matter?" "I was walking in the street yesterday and a young lady's skirt was blown up by the wind. I kindly helped her pull it down, and she actually punched me in the left eye! " "What about the right eye?" "I thought she didn't like pulling down the skirt, so I helped her lift it up again." A nurse sent a urine sample to a male patient and accidentally spilled the patient's urine sample all over the floor. The nurse was afraid of jokes, so she took her urine sample for testing. The doctor was very surprised when he saw the paper. The patient was very scared and asked the doctor what was wrong with him. The doctor stammered, Sir, you, you, are pregnant. In my eyes, you always look carefree, you always eat with relish, you always sleep soundly ... I envy you, alas, sometimes I think it's good to be a pig like you! Miss my childhood: I remember the primary school teacher scolding me: "I will kick you out with a slap!" " "When we were in junior high school, the teacher asked us to evaluate ourselves.
I just said, "reach for the rice",
My classmate took a sentence: "Clothes open your mouth" and went to physical education class in junior high school. I was sick that day. I'm a sports commissioner. After everyone lined up, I wanted to leave a note for the PE teacher, but it didn't come true. I said "I want to ask for leave" on the playground. The teacher said: the male classmate stood on my left, the female classmate stood on my right, and everyone else stood still ... A classmate was making trouble below, and the teacher said, stand on the wall for me! Junior high school teachers like to throw themselves into the topic and say: my bottom radius is 20cm, and I am 50cm tall, so I ... "Some people below say: I am a fool. The algebra teacher in high school said: Don't make any noise! When raising the national flag in junior high school, you should wear school uniforms, but some people always wear school uniforms or only wear school uniforms, pants or clothes. Before each flag raising, the headmaster said with a megaphone, "Some students wear clothes, some students wear pants, and some simply wear clothes and pants. "! " A classmate was annoyed and said, "Even tigers don't give cats. You think I'm dying! There are also students, who are particularly envious when they see the teacher asking them to read the composition. They always want the teacher to let them read it. The opportunity has finally come. " So-and-so, read your composition to everyone! "The student suddenly stood up:" My teacher ". Teacher, I am very much like your mother ... "I once watched Tao talk about the embarrassing incident when he just became the host. I never said that the opening ceremony was a curtain call ... What impressed me most was that he said that when he was hosting a party, he calmly walked up and said affectionately," Friends, have you seen the Yellow River? Do you know it is our mother river ~ ~ "After introducing the Yellow River affectionately, he said," Let's listen to the song of the Yangtze River. " My classmate had a quarrel with someone, so he opened his mouth and said, "Are you kidding?" Do you think I grew up eating? "Once we were discussing the advertising words on TV at night, at this time, someone said an ethereal sentence, which read:" Hair disappeared without a trace, and dandruff was more prominent. John bought a big barrel of wine and left it outside the door. In the end, there was a lot less wine. John was very angry and put a few words on the barrel, "Don't steal wine. "The next day, when there was less wine, John became more angry and added several cups to the bucket. John thought it was a good idea, so he did it. On the fourth day, the bucket was full!
Go to the canteen to cook today! I asked: Aunt, is this steamed bread hot? Auntie: No, I reached for it when Auntie in the canteen finished, and then I let out a cry, and the steamed bread was dropped. Aunt in the canteen: It's so hot!
Who wants a joke? Tell me a joke. Ten years of life and death, Heng Yuanxiang, sheep sheep. Thousands of miles away, the top seven are used for washing powder. Even if you don't know each other, you have to make up C, Shi Erkang. Come back to China suddenly at night and learn a foreign language, New Oriental. Care for each other without words, washing is healthier. It is estimated that my heart will be broken every year, looking for a job, Foxconn.
2. Old people talk about juvenile madness, treat kidney deficiency and do not contain sugar. Golden hat mink fur, thousand riding with Kang Wang. In order to repay the satrap of the whole city, for three hundred years, Jiuzhitang. Wine, breast and gall are still in business, watermelon frost, Guangzhi. Hold the festival cloud, three gold glucose. I can bow like a full moon and look northwest, King Adi.
The old man talked about the madness of teenagers, learned skills and went to Lan Xiang. A gold hat, mink fur and fur, it is difficult to ride a tiger. In order to report the whole city and the satrap, Mayflower and the airport. I'm still doing business, repairing cars and coming to the north. Beida Jade Bird has been established for a long time. Bow like a full moon, looking northwest, New Oriental.
When it comes to teenage mania, I can only say Du Kang. Golden hat mink, Avon thousand riding. To repay Qingcheng, Taishou, Passat, Duke and King. Wine, chest and gallbladder are still open, and women are cleaner and healthier. In the clouds, there are many bubble gum. Can pull the carver like a full moon, looking northwest, Tongrentang.
5. Old people talk about juvenile madness, jumping and jumping, and today's Lang Mai. Golden retrievers carve autumn, and thousands ride the overlord. To repay the city guard, L 'Oreal and Shiseido. I love life and Fang La. Holding the festive clouds, Shuanghui ham sausage. The carver is like a full moon, looking at the northwest, the natural hall.
1. There is a little wolf. Oh, he was born a vegetarian instead of meat. His parents are very worried. As a result, my parents were very pleased to see the little wolf chasing the rabbit one day. Then the little wolf grabbed the rabbit and said, give me the carrot! ……
Divers have a high degree of difficulty. He rolled over for a week, then somersaulted for a week and a half, and then somersaulted for a month.
There is a man climbing a rock. When he was about to climb to the top of the mountain, a wolf tried to burn the rope with a burning candle. The man said a word and the wolf blew out the candle. The man said, Happy England!
4. Once upon a time, there was a village by the sea. The villagers made a living by fishing. . .
So many years have passed ~ ~ ~
Suddenly one day, a strange fish came to the sea. The villagers who specialize in fishing at sea have already eaten several people. . . This strange fish has six eyes and can fly, so the villagers call it "six-eyed flying fish"
Seeing the six-eyed flying fish killing people unscrupulously, and no one can cure them, the villagers are very worried. What should we do at this rate ~ ~ ~
At this moment, a young man came to the village. His name is very special. Love says he can kill the six-eyed flying fish. . .
The villagers are very disdainful. . But the next day, love really came back with the body of the strange fish. . .
The villagers were shocked and asked Ai, "How did you do it?"
Love said, "Love really needs courage to face the flying fish with six eyes."
5. Once upon a time, there was a hide-and-seek club whose president had not been found …
6. A rabbit is fishing in the pond, but he hasn't caught it for a long time. .....
The next day, the little rabbit went fishing in the pond again, but he still didn't catch a fish all day. ......
On the third day, the little rabbit insisted on fishing in the pond, but still found nothing. .......
The fourth day, the rabbit went fishing in the pond. A fish jumped out of the water and growled at the rabbit, "If you use carrots as bait again, I will kill you!" " "
Seven ... After half a day's homework, I turned on the radio conveniently, and a gentle voice came out: "... if the skin color pays off and the fluff on my face is tender and soft, it means that it is very healthy ..."
When I heard this, I couldn't help touching my face, looking in the mirror and smiling again. It looked healthy and lovely.
At this moment, I heard the announcer say, "All right, listeners, this time our lecture on pig raising is here ..."
8. In a primary school, two students are quarreling. A said, "You ... you call again, and I can call someone!" "
B said, "You ... you fight! I don't believe this ... "
Then A really went to make a phone call, and when he came back, he put a malicious sentence: "You will know how to die in 30 minutes!" "
B was too nervous at this time, but there was nothing he could do. After 30 minutes, the school broadcast: "A classmate of B, you have a visitor, please go to the academic affairs office." Although I'm scared, I think I'm in the academic affairs office and I should be fine. So he went to the academic affairs office, and a blond boy came up and said, "Are you B?"
B: "I'm ..."
"Sorry for waiting, this is 10 Hawaiian pizza with chicken, 5300 yuan."
9. A German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.
The boss is American. He said to the Germans: You have a good physique and you are in charge of coolies.
Say to the French: You said you were an engineer and you were in charge of the mining plan.
He said to the Japanese: You are very thin. You are in charge of supply.
Then every other week, they start to work.
A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.
When the Germans started, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted, "Surprise!" "(surprise)
10. Rene Liu's courtship to Jay Chou was rejected, and Rene Liu asked Jay Chou why. Jay Chou said, milk tea, I like music and beautiful women.
1 1.- Hello, please call a car. I am at the intersection of XX, wearing a short black skirt. ...
-Okay, where to?
-Uh ... to the knee. ...
12. A butterfly has a broken wing, but it is still flying. Why?
Because it is strong-willed
13. A person was transfused in the hospital, and when he lost, he began to laugh wildly.
Others asked him what he was laughing at.
He said, "I smiled a little." . . "
14. A little girl called the radio station and ordered a song for her mother.
Moderator: Why do you want to order songs for mom and dad?
Little girl: Mom works hard every day and can't have a good rest on Sundays. She needs to find me various exercise books.
The host was very moved and said that she was very sensible and a good boy of her mother.
So I asked what song I wanted.
Little girl: Why do women have to embarrass women?
15. Party A, Party B and Party C went out together, and Party A caught a cold. ...
Everyone sleeps in a bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle.
In the middle of the night ... A sniffles, and B and C are covered with A crystals.
Let us know next time ...
Half an hour later.
A: Attention. ...
B, C, Wen Wen quickly got into the quilt and made sure there was no contact with the outside world …
Then a fart.
16. A prince was cursed and could only say one sentence a year, but he liked a princess very much, so you were silent for five years. When you have saved enough, you come to the princess and say, "Please marry me!"
The princess said in surprise, "What?"
17. After retiring, a programmer decided to study calligraphy, bought excellent lake pens, rice paper and ink, dipped them in thick ink, and wrote on the paper in one go: Hello, world.
18. Once upon a time, there were two trash cans. They ran and ran for a long time. Then a trash can stopped and said, we are trash cans. Why are we running?
19. Xiaoming did something wrong. His mother told him to kneel in front of the Guanyin statue and confess, saying, If Guanyin forgives you, you can eat.
Five minutes later, Xiao Ming was sitting at the dinner table. His mother asked strangely, didn't I say that Guanyin forgave you before you could eat?
Xiao Ming said: Yes, I knelt there and said that Sister Guanyin was wrong. I want to eat. Then Sister Guanyin told me with her right hand, OK.
20. A woman bought breakfast with fake money. . .
The vendor was annoyed: "Elder sister, even if you give a fake, it is at least a seal. This one of you is actually a painting!" "
Take ten thousand steps back and forget about the painting. You can draw a set of ten or five, or you can draw a set of seven!
Let's make it seven dollars for seven dollars. At least draw a color. Actually, we use pencils!
Forget it, black and white is good, but you can't draw with toilet paper! The feel is too bad
Even toilet paper, cut the edge with scissors. This paper was torn by hand, and the raw edges are too exaggerated.
Ok, I'll put up with the burr, but you can also tear a rectangle. This triangle is too hard to say.
I want to hear a joke. Who can tell me about it? Thanks to a colleague. He often says, "It's my treat who goes to the toilet with me." No one has responded to him before, and he is often told to get out. Today, he said it was a treat. A colleague calmly said: "If you have the ability, you can pretend." All the colleagues sitting around a table laughed.
Who will tell me a joke? All right! One day, Xiaohong was unhappy, and then Xiaoming told Xiaohong a joke. Xiaohong smiled, so they went to kindergarten happily together! Over! Thank you for applauding, applauding!
I
Graduation, job interview experience
Examiner; What is the retail price of windows 7 Professional Edition in Chinese mainland?
Me: 5 yuan.
Examiner: Get out, next.
The word "give up" has never appeared in my dictionary.
I kept throwing and throwing,
Finally got an interview with Google.
However, when I went to google for an interview, I answered a question and was kicked out. ...
Examiner: Where did you get the news of Google interview?
Me: Baidu's
Examiner: Get out, next.
I am depressed, but I still have to support myself first.
Drag a friend to McDonald's to find a job. .
But the other person is very abnormal, let me sing McDonald's songs.
At this time, my brother smiled. I have known McDonald's songs since I was a child.
So I opened my mouth and came: with KFC, life will be fine!
Examiner: Go out ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
McDonald's failed in the interview.
My mother dragged someone to find a job in mobile customer service.
Mom says you don't need technology. You try it first. I agreed without thinking.
The interview went well and the other party appreciated me. Finally, the examiner said to me:
You are very kind. Please leave your phone number so that we can inform you to go to work.
Me: "132 ..."
Examiner: Get out. . . .
My heart is broken. . . Being unemployed for so long, eating and drinking at home.
My family looked at me helplessly.
I walked to a shopping mall and saw Artie looking for a clerk. I think I should try.
Examiner: Please tell us our slogan.
Me: Just do it.
Examiner: Get out, next.
Repeated failures have not dampened my confidence.
So I settled down to study hard, and finally I was admitted to our local civil servants with excellent results.
Still, there is a fucking interview.
During the interview, I answered questions and saw the examiner's face. I think there is no problem with this job.
When I am happy.
The examiner asked me, young man, which historical figure do you like best?
I answered without thinking: Little Shenyang!
Examiner: Get out.
This failure, I have a very important consideration for life, looking back,
I finally found out that the most important thing is that I have some wrong answers.
However, I have made the best preparation for this interview.
Nokia's product department informed me that it took me a week to finish all the work.
Even the slogan is not wrong: science and technology are people-oriented.
The examiner was very satisfied and said that if there were no accidents, he could come to work tomorrow.
Then the telephone rang and a discordant voice appeared: "Hello Motorcycle".
Examiner: Get out.
May you be happy every day ~
Lele is late, and the teacher said to Lele, because you are late, the whole class is late 1 minute, which adds up to a class! Lele: Isn't that class over?
Once upon a time, there was a man who liked listening to jokes. ...