Do you know yourself? Do you know "who are you"? As Benjamin Franklin said, it is extremely difficult to know yourself. Usually we can only know ourselves through the evaluation of others. In fact, we always think that we are the focus of people's attention, and we are also looking at external things according to our own feelings. In fact, this may not be the case.

Others are the mirror for us to know ourselves.

Look at yourself and feel what others say about you.

We usually regard others as a mirror to perceive ourselves. How others evaluate us and how we perceive what others evaluate us will affect our perception. Recognized achievements can also enhance our self-concept.

Micro Psychology 23 Your knowledge is based on other people's "mirrors".

Psychologists followed some children born between 3 and 18 months. They put a little red ink on their noses and watched their reaction in front of the mirror. Children born more than 5 months will touch their noses after seeing their own images in the mirror. They already know that the nose in the mirror is their own. Children born less than 5 months will touch their noses in the mirror, not knowing that the image in the mirror is themselves.

Generally speaking, people form self-awareness five months after birth and know that the image in the mirror is themselves. In life, we often form our own evaluation by observing others' reactions to our actions. Social psychologists call an individual's self-perception of others mirror self.

If a person often gets reasonable, positive and positive comments from people around him, and his "mirror self" is positive, he will be confident and behave healthily and positively; On the contrary, if a person is always criticized or negatively evaluated by people around him, he will easily feel inferior and shrink back.

Micropsychology 24 others' evaluation of me can be changed by "I"

George meade, a social psychologist, pointed out that what is related to our self-concept is not what others actually evaluate, but what we think they evaluate. In other words, what we finally get from others is the result of our "processing". We may overestimate or underestimate the evaluation of others, and the "mirror image" will change because of our psychological "processing".

According to the survey of psychologists, when they ask others how many days ago they praised others for the last time, the typical answer of Americans is one day ago, while the answer of Japanese is generally four days ago. In view of this, when Japanese people arrive in North America, they are usually surprised by mutual compliments between friends. Moreover, if you tell North Americans that they have done a good job, they will be more persistent than telling them that they have not done a good job, while the Japanese will be more persistent when they fail.

On the one hand, this general self-expansion in western countries helps to cultivate an optimistic, positive and confident mentality, but if it turns into blind arrogance and conceit, it is not conducive to physical and mental health. On the other hand, if we underestimate others' evaluation of ourselves, we will be depressed and hit. Therefore, we should make effective use of mirror images, ask others to tell us how they feel about ourselves, and refer to many mirror images to effectively integrate other people's comments.

Micro-psychology 25 caring about other people's evaluation is a deep-rooted human nature.

The research of social psychology shows that man is a social animal and belongs to different cultural systems, and each social and cultural system has its fixed values and codes of conduct. Different people have different understandings of these values and codes of conduct, but individuals living in this cultural environment will instinctively move closer to these standards and values. The evaluation of others is a shortcut that can't be ignored, because any evaluation of others implies the norms and traces of values, so it seems necessary and necessary to care about the evaluation of others, and it is a part of human nature to blend in imperceptibly.

A high school student wrote in his diary: "Growing up slowly may be a process of caring about others' evaluation. It was the comments of my parents and friends that taught me what to do and what not to do. Although I am troubled and confused, these comments are the driving force to spur me forward and the yardstick to measure my behavior. Although I have passed the age of being complacent or unhappy about an evaluation for several days, I still cherish these evaluations, especially those of the class teacher. Every time I send a composition, I will be very excited to read the comments at the back. "

As the philosopher Schopenhauer said, most people attach great importance to other people's thoughts and ideas. No matter what cultural system you are in, you can't absolutely ignore the opinions and comments of others, and you will enlarge your self-portrait in the eyes of others.

Is it right to blindly follow other people's comments?

Psychologists believe that it is unwise to care about other people's comments. Because the values that others understand or the code of conduct they uphold are not necessarily better than yours, they are often not a "real existence", but an ambiguous discourse fragment with no practical significance. If you try to find direct substantive results or meanings from these meaningless evaluations, you will only fall into a state of futility, stupidity and confusion, thus hitting a wall everywhere.

This can also be seen from an ancient fable in China:

A father and son are driving a donkey to the market. On the way, the father said to his son, "You are tired from walking. Get on the donkey. " People gathered together and pointed to their son and said, "This is an unfilial son." The son quickly gave the donkey to his father to ride, and people pointed to his father and said, "This is a man with a heart of stone." The father had to let his son ride on the donkey together, and people gathered around and said, "What a pity this thin donkey is! You are so cruel! " "The father had to come down with his son to drive the donkey away. Then people clapped their hands in surprise and said, "Haha, these two are really stupid. They can't ride donkeys, so they can only walk on the ground. " In this way, the father and son stopped and walked in the constant evaluation of others, up and down, until the sun went down to reach the market.

Think about it, in real life, how many people are lost in the evaluation of others like this father and son?

Micropsychology 27 maintains an independent attitude towards the evaluation of others.

Many people have anxiety or anxiety in order to win positive comments from others, just like obsessive-compulsive disorder. They turn the natural order upside down, regard their consciousness as something obscure, and fall into a strange life cycle of putting the cart before the horse, which is a psychological misunderstanding. Many times, what we need is to keep an independent and sober attitude towards other people's evaluation.

Regret for the Past is a love novel by Lu Xun, a famous modern writer. The heroine Zijun in the book is a virtuous and gentle girl. She came from the countryside to study in a bustling big city, full of beautiful dreams and passionate yearning for her ideals and future. She is full of joy of life and youthful vitality.

In the process of studying, she was attracted by Juansheng's erudition and frankness. In order to live with Juansheng, she received all kinds of abuse and accusations, and was accused of being "outrageous" and "immoral". The feudal guardian uncle who supported her even broke off family relations. But she can resist all kinds of resistance and criticism and boldly shout out the slogan "I am my own, and no one interferes with my power". Her love is destined to be a tragedy of that era, but her story will last forever.

For evaluation, maybe sometimes we should also keep the belief that "I am myself, and no one interferes with my power".

Micro-psychology 28 Sometimes, ignoring evaluation is the best way to face it squarely.

Liu Xiang is the pride of China athletes. In 2004, at the Athens Olympic Games, he tied the world record held by British star colin jackson with 12 seconds and 9 1. This gold medal is the first track and field gold medal won by China male athletes at the Olympic Games, which has written a new history of track and field in China. People commented that he was a "flying man", "the pillar of the country and the pride of the nation", and countless praises and titles flew to him like snowflakes.

In the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, countless people stood in front of the TV expecting him to win another gold medal at home, but he withdrew from the competition because of an achilles tendon injury in his foot. People also rated him as a "liar" and a "first-class actor", and countless ugly scolding and personal attacks came at him like cold arrows.

At the recent World Championships in Osaka, Liu Xiang won the silver medal after recovering from injury. After the game, the reporter interviewed him, and he calmly said this sentence: "I don't care about the ranking of the game, let alone the evaluation of others." I think I played very well. "

It is this spirit of indifference and disregard for others' comments that has been supporting Liu Xiang to go further and better. There is an old saying in literary criticism that "there are a thousand Hamlets in the hearts of a thousand readers", which fully shows that the same object may cause countless opinions and opinions, and the objectivity and accuracy of these opinions and opinions can not be considered and verified at all. In this case, ignoring other people's comments is the best way to face it squarely.