Blue Ocean and 9-year-old Qian Ming told us a story about "courage".
Qian Ming's class buddy violated class discipline. Qian Ming, who has a strong sense of inner justice, wants to tell the teacher about it, and at the same time faces three kinds of fears.
1, afraid that others will say that he is an informer.
I am afraid that my classmates will be punished and criticized.
I am afraid that others will stop him.
First of all, children aged 9- 10 are in the stage of developing from concrete thinking to abstract thinking, and they are more and more sensitive to the concepts of right and wrong, good and evil. This is the stage when their outlook on life began to take shape.
These fears and a sense of justice clashed fiercely in his mind. He wants to know what is wrong and what is right. So he came to the Blue Ocean for advice.
Do you stick to your inner beliefs or compromise for the pressure of others?
To be or not to be ... this kind of question, many adults spend their whole lives, and it is difficult to choose.
In life, we often admire those who dare to face difficulties and stick to themselves.
Sometimes I can't help thinking, are those people born with courage?
And "courage" is of course related to nature, but the upbringing environment experienced since childhood also plays a vital role.
Every adult is a former child.
Every timid adult,
Mostly from timid childhood. ...
Blue Ocean tone gave Qian Ming's parents a little heavy advice at the end:
When Qian Ming told her mother these things, she got a feedback of "whatever".
When we easily say to children, suit yourself.
Is our attitude too casual?
I appeal to our adults not to send our children away in any way you want. "
Part of Qian Ming's fear and powerlessness comes from his parents' feedback.
What kind of word is "whatever"?
Suit yourself. -is it to implement the slogan "love and freedom" that has been shouted all these years?
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That's not true.
Suit yourself. It seems to give children a lot of freedom.
In fact, it is basically equivalent to telling the child directly: "This matter has nothing to do with me. I will draw a line with you, even if I am your parents. As for whether you are afraid or not, it has nothing to do with me. I don't care. "
It expresses a turning attitude, which can be directly equated with "rejection".
When a child who is confused and in urgent need of help faces such a "refusal to return".
His inner powerlessness can be imagined.
When a child has experienced such "rejection" several times in the current stage of life, he is in a helpless situation.
Fear became the background color of the child's life.
Why do you say that? Let's start with the cause of fear ...
Let's imagine this scene:
In a dark room, if you reach out and don't touch the wall, you will feel scared.
When you have a candle in your hand, even a faint candle can see the surrounding walls.
Or you grope slowly in the dark and touch a solid wall.
At this time, your heart will settle down immediately.
"Boundary" is an important factor in the formation of a sense of security.
Why do babies need a regular life, a stable partner and a stable range of activities?
Because these stable "boundaries" can give the baby a sense of security.
The children began to grow up and the range of activities became larger and larger. When we tell them that you can play freely within the edge of the bed, but outside this edge, you may fall, which is dangerous and painful.
They confirmed this boundary and will play "freely, safely and happily" within the scope of the bed.
Boundaries bring people a sense of security.
Without national boundaries, fear arises.
Nine-year-old Qian Ming certainly left the category of bed very early.
Did you notice what Blue Ocean said?
"In childhood, the establishment of children's values comes more from parents' attitudes.
They are also very eager for their parents' support when exploring their relationship with others and the world. "
Children in this period, they are also exploring the boundary, but this boundary is becoming less and less "tangible". It is an "invisible boundary" on the level of values.
When they can't get effective support from their parents, their inner panic is like a baby who doesn't know where the boundary of the bed is.
I can't find a sense of security in this world.
When I was a child, I was afraid of the darkness, the little monster under the bed, and the separation from my mother.
When I was a teenager, I was afraid of being laughed at by my classmates, criticized by my teachers and having conflicts with others. ...
The fear accumulated again and again since childhood, the child no longer mentioned it, and we thought it was over. After a long time, fear does not exist.
But these fears are actually not fade away.
When a child never knows what it's like to overcome fear,
Fear will grow in his heart and crowd out the original guests inside.
The guest's name is-"courage".
What is the most likely performance of a person who lacks courage?
Is to hesitate.
Blue Ocean directly tells Qian Ming's inner monologue: "You are worried about the ridicule and satire of others".
But will sarcasm and satire happen? Not necessarily.
A person who lacks courage, the most typical performance is that the imaginary enemy has defeated himself before acting.
Do those imaginary enemies necessarily exist?
Not necessarily.
They come more from imagination.
And what will happen to brave people in the face of these uncertain situations?
They usually say, "How do you know if you don't try?"
In the recent incident of child abuse in kindergartens, Li Songwei, a psychologist who has been studying PTSD for a long time, said this:
"I say responsibly that people who have experienced trauma will not forget until they really understand what happened and can say it."
Fear of this emotion is also a kind of trauma.
Those frightened children, with untreated fear, grow up to be timid adults.
Blue Ocean teaches us how to help our children face their fears and find their courage through Qian Ming's step-by-step demonstration.
How on earth did she do it?
Step one: state his fears clearly and concretely.
Fear of this emotion often exists in a vague face.
When we don't know what we are afraid of, we can never handle this emotion.
Only when we help children clearly understand what they are afraid of and help them say it, the vague fear has become less terrible at the moment when it is said.
Because we found the boundary again.
Step 2: Help children experience the feeling of facing fear.
In what ways has Blue Ocean helped Qian Ming? She took the form of arm wrestling.
Armwrestling is very intuitive and interesting, which makes Qian Ming's defense loose.
This does not seem to directly solve the Qian Ming problem. In fact, it simulates the fear that Qian Ming needs to face his classmates directly.
Dr. Lawrence Cohen said in the book The Power of Games:
"Most children can't handle their fears. They always avoid what they are afraid of. If a child is afraid of bees, he will not go out. If he is afraid of water, he refuses to go swimming. In this case, parents may be very angry and even force their children to try what they are afraid of. However, children's fears still exist.
However, fear cannot be eliminated by escaping. Only by facing it can it be eliminated. If adults can start a game related to fear, but it is "interesting", then children will find that fear can be overcome, and they can gain confidence from the process of overcoming fear. "
Why didn't Blue Ocean let Qian Ming win Blue Ocean in the first arm-wrestling match?
Because she knew that Qian Ming had only experienced superficial "success".
He hasn't experienced struggling to stand up from the mud of fear.
What Qian Ming needs is to experience "fear" again and again and face it.
Therefore, Blue Ocean encourages Qian Ming to come for the second time.
Qian Ming lost again.
To be honest, I was worried when I saw it. I'm afraid Qian Ming will never try again.
Why did Qian Ming lose the second time?
Due to repeated failures, Blue Ocean told Qian Ming with actual situation, "You see, the ridicule and satire you are worried about does not exist? Others will only think: You see how brave he is and dare to wrestle with such a strong person! "
When children have the opportunity to experience, failure is not so terrible. No matter how I fail, I am safe, accepted and liked. So what's so terrible about failure?
Therefore, if our children are afraid of failure, please reflect on whether we have provided them with a safe environment without arbitrary judgment.
Facts have proved that my worries are unnecessary.
Qian Ming's courage overcame his fear. Facing the challenge, he wrestled with Blue Ocean for the third time.
This time, he won.
I believe everyone knows that he won the first time and finally won the third time.
The psychological process is completely different.
Qian Ming's breakthrough from this process is also very different.
Dr Cohen also said in The Power of Games:
"Every child's fear has a tipping point. When we get closer and closer through the game and break through this critical point. This is the psychology that finally cures this fear. "
Therefore, the third step of the blue ocean is actually to experience fear with children step by step, gradually approaching the critical point and finally breaking through it.
When there are more imaginary enemies in fear and less courage.
If we pretend to forget and avoid facing it, we will lose the chance to overcome our fear forever.
And when we dare to face it more and more, and experience fear more and more, it just slips away.
"Dangdang Dangdang" knocks on the blackboard, and it is necessary to draw the key points again!
In the face of fear, the specific methods to restore courage are:
1, specifically fear.
2. Experience the feeling of facing fear.
3. Gradually approaching the critical point and finally breaking through.
Blue Ocean told Qian Ming that sentence, but also said to everyone:
"Fear and fear are everyone's.
But we should learn to get along with fear. "
Romain rolland wrote in the biography of Michelangelo:
"There is only one true heroism in the world, and that is to love life after recognizing the truth of life."
I hope each of us can live bravely.