One day, Cao Cao and Liu Bei were drinking to discuss heroes. After a few drinks, Liu Bei suddenly farted, which was embarrassing. When I was embarrassed, I heard Guan Yu behind me calmly say, "Don't take offense, fart comes from feather (rain)!" "
As Guan Yu's voice dropped, Zhao Yun stepped forward and said, "Don't take it amiss, fart comes from the clouds!"
After Zhao Yungang finished, Zhang Fei went on to shout, "Where did the fart come from just now!"
Everyone burst into laughter. Liu Bei has also returned to normal.
Cao Cao didn't laugh. He is deeply touched by this. After seeing Liu Bei and others off, Cao Cao said to his subordinates, "When Liu Bei's subordinates saw the master's mistakes, they rushed to take responsibility and make up for them. It's really loyal. If it is your turn, can you do it? "
Everyone was indignant and thought, "It's nothing, what's difficult!"
A few days later, Cao Cao invited Liu Bei to drink again. During the dinner, he wanted to fart and see how his men reacted. After holding back for a long time, I finally managed to hold back a small Pi. Everyone has been waiting for a long time. When they heard a "goo", the general quickly shouted: "Chu (pig) put the fart!"
The waiter Wang Lang immediately said, "Lang (Wolf) farted!"
As soon as Cao Cao stared, others thought that Cao Cao was too slow and rushed to take care of himself. Xia Houdun insisted: "Fart comes from London!"
"no!" Huang Xu heard a retort, "I'm shaking my ass!"
Xun You said, "You let the fart out!"
Man Chong said, "Fart is a pet!"
Jiang Ji said: "Fart comes from the economy!"
Guo Tu said: "Fart is a picture (vomit)!"
Zhong Youdao: "Fart is coming!"
then ....
Taurus: "Fart is gold!"
Cao Hong: "Fart is red!"
Zhang Nan: "Fart is south (blue)!"
...........
Cao Cao was already flushed and was about to get angry.
Counselor Guo Jia shouted, "None of them are right, none of them are right! Everyone is wrong! " ..... deserves to be my number one strategist. Cao Cao secretly thought.
Guo Jia went on to say: "The fart was released by Jia (clip)!"
Liu Bei and others have laughed stagger. ........
Cao Cao fainted with anger.
Empty city plan-covering up a weak defense with a bold front
It is said that Kongming invaded the Northern Expedition and Cao Zhen, and was about to move from Qishan to Weishui.
(After lunch at noon that day, the Shu army was in charge)
Spy: Newspapers-
Kong Ming: What's the matter?
The spy hung up with a crooked neck.
Interesting: I want to remind readers here that children should avoid running hard just after eating, or they will get appendicitis!
Kong Ming scratched his wrist with a knife and dropped a few drops of blood, which he fed to the spy's mouth. The spy will survive.
Interesting: I want to publicize the importance of voluntary blood donation by the way. I can save someone's life by giving you a small bag of blood. Why not?
Scout: Your Majesty-the Lord of Wei appointed Sima Yi as the commander-in-chief of Pingxi, and led 200,000 troops to kill Qishan!
Kong Ming: Roger that! Sima yi led the troops and must seize the street pavilion and cut off our route for providing foodstuff. What should we do?
Masu: What are you afraid of? Attacking street kiosks is just an idea. If he really captured the street pavilion, we began to fear that it was not too late-
Kong Ming: Although the street pavilion is small, it is really a throat area. If it falls, it will ruin a great event. Which general dares to guard?
Masu: It's just you and us in the room. Are you pretending to be democratic? -horse manure is willing to work for the prime minister!
Director: Cut! Yesterday, I familiarized you with the script. When you come across a word you don't know, look it up in the dictionary. Start over!
……
Ma Su: Ma Su is willing to help! !
Kong Ming: Although you have been familiar with art books such as Private Zhang Ga, Astro Boy and Dragon Ball since childhood, you have never left home and have no actual combat experience!
Masu: Prime Minister, don't worry too much. If something goes wrong, you are willing to accept the punishment of military law!
So Ma Su made a written pledge to fulfill a military order and set off with Wang Ping, the lieutenant.
——————————————————
The officer wrote a military oath that he would be severely punished if he failed to complete the task successfully.
If I can't come back alive, I am willing to accept the punishment of military law.
Signature: ○
PS: Because the parties can't write, the circled contract is valid.
——————————————————
……
Masu: There are beautiful scenery, birds and flowers, and all kinds of secluded paths. They must be street kiosks!
Wang Ping: Please! We just walked to the Prime Minister's back garden!
Masu: Oh? Not the kui is a prime minister, even the back garden is so insidious!
……
They finally came to the street pavilion.
Masu: Needless to say this time, because the author just narrated that we have arrived at the street pavilion!
Wang Ping: Yes! Look how strong the environmental awareness is here. There are so many inspiring slogans on the mountain-"There is no copper in the optical cable, so it is useless to steal it", "Take nothing but pictures", "Have fewer children and raise more pigs" and "The street kiosk is my home, and everyone loves it. Jieting county government declared "
Masu: But, I, why, always think it's strange to go out this time?
Wang Ping: We forgot to bring troops! ! ! !
Masu: forget it, I'm too lazy to go back and be embarrassed after coming out so far ... why don't we camp on the mountain now?
Wang Ping: When the road is tied, the enemy soldiers can't steal it. What will you do if you give up the intersection and station troops on the mountain, the enemy soldiers arrive and are attacked on all sides?
Masu: Pig head, didn't you hear "Man struggles upwards, but water flows downwards"?
Wang Ping: Climb as you climb. Lao Tzu was born in the Great Northern Wilderness!
So they went to the top of the mountain and set up tents to wash and sleep.
(Early the next morning, Sima Yi, with a great army, swarmed in and surrounded the mountain. )
Wang Ping: It's over. We are surrounded by Sima Yi, and the waterway has been cut off by them!
Masu: Don't be afraid-watch me drive them down the mountain myself!
Wang Ping: Good!
Masu: I'll go! I rush! I'm going to ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~!
(I rushed down the mountain n times together, and both times I was forced back by a spring-like bow and arrow. )
Wang Ping: General, it seems that the street pavilion can't be kept!
Masu: Well, I'll draw a map of the situation here first and give it to the Prime Minister.
Wang Ping: How to pass it to him?
Masu: Let's pass the book by flying pigeons!
So Masu rolled the map into a small paper roll, tied it to the pigeon's leg, and gave it to the postman for mailing.
(Shu army base camp, received the map from the front, opened it and was surprised. )
Kong Ming: It's broken, Masu, idiot!
Officer: What?
Kong Ming: How many times have I stressed to him before? Don't forget to mark the height after you draw the contour line? I forgot again this time! ! !
Officer: Oh ... ...
(Urgent call Guan Bao will wear heavily to support Ma Su, leaving only the old and weak civil servants to transport food and grass to Xicheng. When I first arrived in Xicheng, I heard the report of exploring horses. Sima Yi's army had attacked Xicheng, which is less than fifteen miles away from the city! At this time, Kong Ming's men pointed out that there were still some civil servants left, and everyone panicked. )
Civilian A: I can't just hang up! I promised my hometown matchmaker that I must marry her when I go back this time!
Civilian b: I can't die either. I haven't finished my research paper yet!
Civilian c: I don't want to die so early either. I still want to see Guoan win this year!
Civil servant D: Why do you mourn when you are alive, and why do you suffer when you are dead?
Kong Ming: Officer, don't panic!
Officer: ...
Kong Ming: Where are the officials?
Official: Although we are only supporting actors, we are also voluntary extras. Please read our names at least once!
Kong Ming: OK, salted fish pancakes, fish balls and beef covered cakes!
Officer: The subordinates are here!
Kong Ming: Don't panic. I want to stage the most dazzling plan of the romance of the Three Kingdoms. You are witnesses and participants in history.
Officer: Is this a honey trap?
Kong Ming: Your head is very beautiful. Not if I reveal the name of the empty city plan! From now on, when I count to three, give me all the banners in the city. Please open the door for me. No one is allowed to walk around or talk loudly. Violators shall be dealt with according to military law-1! 4! 23! 7! 5! ——
Officer:! ! !
Kong Ming: Haha, actually I want to count to 32! Look at you!
Police officer: ╬!
Kong Ming: ... Ah ... Just now we agreed not to face each other ... They are all civil servants. They just want to liven up the atmosphere. ...
(After Kong Ming really counts to three ...)
Kong Ming: The world is finally quiet-no one walks around at will, no one makes a noise. ...
(suddenly)
An official: the river flows eastward, and the stars in the sky accidentally participate in Beidou ~ ~ ~
Kong Ming: Dizzy, sing loudly-uneven! ! !
Officer: (Together) Speak loudly! The prime minister lost, the prime minister lost!
Kong Ming: ...
(After 5 minutes, the city finally quieted down. )
Kong Ming: Why are you all honest now? No more noise?
The officials thought: (... if you hadn't poured pepper water on us, put socks in your mouth, break our arms and tie us to the flagpole ...)
Kong Ming: No, I also want to choose some veterans to dress up as plain clothes!
Veteran: It's finally time for us to show our talents! What's the mission, boss?
Kong Ming: Sweep the floor!
Veteran: How can we sweep the world without sweeping the house-let's do it!
Kong Ming: OK, each of you come to me and get a broom!
Veteran: @ # $%&; *
Kong Ming: Come here!
Veteran: Prime Minister, although we are old, you won't give us these brooms to sweep the bed!
Kong Ming: Then, I'll give each of you a new broom! Try it and see if it fits?
……
Veteran: Hmm! The height is just right, but it still feels soft to ride. ...
Kong Ming: Damn it, Harry Potter has seen you too much! This is not Nimbus 2000! Ok, Wei Bing is here, don't panic, I will order the soldiers to resist!
(Kongming calls Qin Gui, armed with guqin and incense burner, and follows him to the rostrum. Sitting in front of the tower again, burning a good incense and playing the piano quietly. )
Kong Ming: Why did you two throw money into my incense burner?
Boy: Would you please stop playing "Two Springs Reflecting the Moon"? I'm restricted!
Kong Ming: OK, I'll change it to fifteen.
At the gate. When Wei Jun's sentry stood at the gate, he saw the gate wide open, and a dozen or twenty people didn't look at it. They had just finished cleaning the street, and they couldn't help bridling their horses and marveling. )
Sima Yi: Wow, the moon on the 15th hits the city and sweeps the floor under the city, so the whole people have health? This must be a big conspiracy!
Si Mazhao: Dad. ...
Sima Yi: There must be a superior-subordinate relationship on the battlefield!
Si Mazhao: Oh, great, big brother-I think it's just that Zhuge Liang has no army, so he's just burying a mystery. We don't want to be fooled by him!
Sima Yi: I'm not afraid to sweep the floor, but-don't you see the detonators and explosives on it?
Si Mazhao: Yes, that's right! Look, they even lit the twist!
Sima Yi and Si Mazhao (joint): Go first!
In the city, it is full of joy. )
Shu Bing: It's really useful for the Prime Minister to let us wrap candles! Long live Zhuge Liang, a lot of fun ~ ~!
Later, Kong Ming beheaded Ma Su with tears in his eyes, comforted Hanzhong people, trained foot soldiers, hoarded food and grass, made equipment to attack the city and cross the water, and prepared to leave Qishan again wholeheartedly.