1 On Valentine's Day, my roommate and boyfriend went out all day and came back a little hoarse the next day. I asked, "Do you have a cold?" A roommate: "I must have shouted dumb yesterday." Another roommate is even more unique: "Obviously, my tonsils are swollen."
A notice was posted at the door of the girls' dormitory: "Boys and lunch boxes are not allowed in." Ask why? Answer: "Both will make a big woman pregnant." ...
I was drinking alone in the neon bar when suddenly a beautiful woman came up to me and said, "handsome boy, would you please buy me a glass of wine?" I can promise an excessive request. "I knew it at a glance, beauty. It's not bad. After three rounds of drinking, she said to me beautifully," Handsome boy, you have gone too far. " I smiled and turned away, saying, "Remember to take the bill. "
4 Say a pair of men and women, after the man went in, he lay motionless on the woman's body and said gently: We are together now, and the woman is a little unhappy. The man violently attacked, and the woman shouted: "Mobile is better than Unicom."
I have a junior high school classmate who is the boss's son-in-law. Half a year later, the classmates got together and asked him how he was doing. He said: "I have been divorced and have a bad relationship with my mother-in-law." I said, "can't you flatter yourself a little sweeter?" He replied: Yes, I usually pay special attention to getting along with my mother-in-law. However, my father-in-law's wife changes too often, three times a year. alas
In elementary school, I passed a cesspit after school. I saw a puppy in the cesspit. This is a happy trip. A classmate nearby said, "This seems to be my puppy." I said, "Why don't you try calling it by its name?" I still can't forget that day when a man and a dog were running in the sunset. Finally, the puppy happily jumped into its master's arms.
7 Girl: "Actually, a man has been taking care of me. He gave me everything I wanted. Are you still chasing me? "
Boy: "I know he is your father, right?"
Girl: "How do you know?"
Boy: "haha, I can guess that only my own father would do this." I have to chase. "
The girl was very moved after listening, so she opened another dialog box: "michel platini, I want to ask you for a breakup fee."
8 Girlfriend: "The dishes are all washed, why not wash the dishes?" You are too lazy. Me: You said let me do the dishes. I did what you said. "Girlfriend:" I want you to kiss me. You only kissed that time? "
9 small holiday to travel to the desert, so my boyfriend also took his girlfriend to travel together, leaving luggage is a binge drinking. Neither of us had enough to drink, so we went back to our room to rest. Our boyfriend didn't come back until midnight. We had a drunken meal. In the morning, my girlfriend and the comrades next door ran out of the room in a panic. The woman blushed, made a hissing gesture and ran into the room where I slept last night. We both went into the wrong room last night. . .
10 19 years old owned his first car, lawns coolpad, and made his first money at the age of 23, adding a Volkswagen phaeton. At the age of 27, I reached the peak of my life and had a third car, Paramera. At the age of 30, my career was in full swing. At the age of 35, I owned my fourth car, Ferrari 458. At the peak of my career, I added my fifth pagani Fen. So far, I have more than 20 luxury cars under my name.
1. I want to take Baba's mother out for a trip. Baba's mom wants to take the high-speed train, and I want to fly. Me: Plane 500, high-speed rail 600. Let's fly! Baba is not happy to come: the plane takes more than an hour in 500 yuan, and the high-speed train takes five hours in 600 yuan. Which do you think is cheaper? How did I give birth to a stupid son like you?
2. My friend's company issued new work clothes, which were big when it was reported, XXL. A female colleague said to him, come, I'll make it smaller for you. To tell the truth, I didn't expect that there are still girls who can do this now. The next day, my colleague changed clothes and brought them to the company. The dress is still the same dress, but the label on the collar has been erased by correction fluid and turned into an L.
Be a man and stop nagging you. I'm not sticking to you, and I'm not looking for you I had a good talk with you, and people were indifferent, so congratulations, you have successfully lost him. Or he doesn't love you anymore. Hold on, don't think a boy is naive because he likes you. If he doesn't like you, he is more mature than your father!
4. People's potential can be stimulated. For example, if you give me 50 kg of bricks, I may not be able to carry them, but if you give me 100 kg of RMB, I will definitely pick them up and run.
5. My little nephew saw me during the Chinese New Year and said, Uncle, it's the Chinese New Year. Give me the lucky money quickly. I knew this little bastard didn't hold back his fart, so I immediately took out fifty dollars from my wallet and prepared to send him away. The boy saw that I took a fifty-dollar bill and immediately said, Uncle, if that's the case, I'll take this fifty-dollar bill to shave my head. "Come on, 200, get out of here."
6. A young man bought a mobile phone for MM with 2000 yuan, of which 1500 yuan stayed with 500 yuan for dinner and a room, and rode a battery car to find MM. MM said: You are a good man, but we are really not suitable. Improvement scheme: A young man, 700 yuan, rented a BMW5, and then 300 yuan went to the wholesale market to buy 99 roses, telling MM that he likes to go to those romantic snack bars hand in hand, and the maximum consumption is 100 yuan. MM watched the sunrise with him the next day, also because of love. ...
7. The young man asked the master, "I helped an old man yesterday and was wronged by 2000 yuan. I lost 1500 while driving this morning. What's wrong with the world? " The master took a cup for the young man to hold in his hand, and then began to pour it into boiling water. When the water overflowed, the cup crashed to the ground and broke into pieces. The young man suddenly realized, "Does the master mean that you will understand only after suffering?" The master shook his head and said, "No, this cup belongs to the Qianlong period. Just pay 30 thousand yuan. "
Twenty years ago, I was an apprentice in a small restaurant and slept in the lobby of the hotel at night. One night, both the boss and the proprietress went out and there were no guests. Only me and the waiter were there. /kloc-at the end of 0/2, she came to tell me that I couldn't sleep and asked me to watch TV with her, so she opened a room to watch TV ... I watched TV in bed and she rolled on the bed. Finally,
Now that I think about it, I regret missing an important experience in my life. ...
I remember one thing. In the 1990s, I was about five years old when I was a child. Mother went to work in the field, and my sister and I played at home. My sister wants to drink water. There were no drinking fountains at that time. When I was a child, I drank water from an underground well. I can't get water from the well. Fortunately, there is a self-priming motor at home. At that time, the switch was pulled with a rope. I don't know if you've seen it, but here's the thing.
As soon as I arrived at Ramada, I started pumping water, but the rope broke and I held it in my hand. I can't turn off the pump in a hurry There was water all over the floor, so I hurried to the ground to find my mother. Fortunately, I know the way underground and met my aunt on the way. I asked my aunt when my mother would come back. My aunt said that your mother was taken away by the old monk, and she was miserable. Every time I asked her, she told me so, but I ignored her and left with my sister. When I arrived in the field, my mother was pulling weeds, so I told her that the rope of the water pump motor at home was broken and the yard was full of water. My mother asked me to keep an eye on my sister. She went home and turned off the water. My mother went back and thought she was in trouble. Help me pull up the grass so that my mother won't criticize me. I started pulling weeds with my sister. Later, my mother came back and watched me pull the grass. Xiaoyu, how did you pull out the wheat seedlings? .......
One,
In public, Lao Wang leaned over to tie his sister's shoelaces and covered his mouth tightly. His moved words were instantly suppressed in his eyes, and he was about to cry ... Lao Wang looked up and said lightly, "Tie it tightly so as not to lose its flavor ~"
Second,
A male ticket from other places bought me a new mobile phone. I'm so happy to video chat with him tonight. At the end of the chat, he said to me with concern: go to bed early, don't stay up late to play with your mobile phone, it's not good for your new mobile phone.
Third,
When I was four or five years old, I was taken by my aunt to watch horror movies, which scared me to go to the toilet. "Aunt, I dare not go to the toilet. There will be a hand sticking out of the toilet. " Aunt replied: "Don't be afraid, baby, he is wiping your ass ..."
Fourth,
Brother, what's your name? My surname is Dongfang. When I was born, my father had high hopes for me and hoped that I would be invincible all my life ... so what's your name? Yes, you guessed it! I'll call Dongfang Laoying!
Five,
Isn't smoking allowed on the high-speed rail? When I arrive at the station, there are always old smokers who stop for three or two minutes and come down to take a few sips. Just now, they came down to smoke with a big brother. The stewardess sister said inexplicably: What's there to smoke? Why do you smoke? Eldest brother flicked off cigarette butts at random, looked at his sister and said meaningfully, In order to wait for a woman who advised me to quit smoking. ...
This forced me to be a little caught off guard. ...
Six,
I just bought two bottles of drinks and one bottle of 6 yuan. I took out my wallet and gave it to the cashier 10 yuan. She looked up at her purse and said, "Give me a dollar on the mezzanine. Here is your change."
I took it out and handed it to her. Then she handed me five steel hops. So I looked at her for five minutes ...
Seven,
At that time, there were no household appliances, and things like watches were only seen in books. At that time, 5 cents was relatively large, almost as big as a dollar coin now. A person suddenly had an inspiration. He punched holes in both sides of a nickel, and then put a rope on his hand. One day, walking along the road, several people met by chance. They saw him holding a watch in the distance and asked what time it was. He said awkwardly, "It's still five minutes away ~"
Eight,
"A noble lady is about to get married, and her mother told her," When you are on your honeymoon, you should not take off all your clothes at once, but keep a little reserved. "
After returning from the honeymoon, the groom asked his mother-in-law, "Is there anything unusual about your daughter at home?"
My mother-in-law replied: "No! What's wrong? "
The groom complained, "When we were on our honeymoon, she wore a hat to sleep every day." "
Just after April Fool's Day, only Xu Pang is still alone in the dormitory. He asked everyone how to chase the goddess and asked for some experience. Boys stick to their words and say that girlfriends are better.
A Le, the head of the dormitory, spoke first. "I think the most important thing in love is to have happiness. What is happiness? Just keep thinking about her. Seeing her smile, my heart will melt! "
Li Ge, a game fan, said lazily in bed, "Fatty, it's not so hard to chase girls. You see that my girlfriend works hard and has no complaints. " I heard that it has been fully automatic recently. Never tried, ready to open one! "
Lao Zhang, who prefers the second element, was unconvinced and argued: "Does your girlfriend rely on you? The charming feeling that you have to be is the most wonderful! "
"You can forget it. I remember the last class party in the car, and your girlfriend called and said,' Wow! Look at the big plane! Look at it! Lao Zhang, big plane ~', and then the whole class looked at you two in surprise. " Xueba Xiaolong said with a smile: "It is best to have a beautiful home! I love studying and don't spend money indiscriminately. Lao Zhang, how much does it cost for my girlfriend to buy a Lolita dress? "
"uh ~! ~ "Lao wang got up from the bed, put the phone down, and the pie mouth should say with smile," what you said is wrong! At a young age, how can you hang yourself on a tree without running out of ammunition? " . He turned to commanding fat xu, "my fat xu, li yan, I don't want it! And don't give me back what she gave me. I don't need such inferior things at all! "
Lao Wang has some disdain. "Chasing her is nothing more than a few lipsticks, perfumes and bags! Do you want such a woman? " . Then laughed, "don't worry! A friend's wife can't be bullied. I still understand Wang. Your girlfriend, I am not interested and will not ride! " Then he left the dormitory.
Fat Xu gawk, "Yaner, my Yaner ~". They said nothing, silently biting their teeth. ...
"That's enough!" A Le shout at top of voice. His voice is deep and hoarse. "What does it look like? Xu Pang, do you think you are wrong? Haven't you done enough? " . Calm a little, sighed, "I tell you, no one is right or wrong in love. Not loving is not loving. Lao Wang is right. Such a woman is not worth paying. "
Xu Pang silently closed his eyes, and two lines of tears slipped down. Lonely and gentle, humming "If one day I become rich, my first wish is to take you around the world ..."
There is a parent-teacher conference in the kindergarten festival, and Class One is the first one to appear. They shouted the loud slogan "Small, small, always first". Class Two, Class Two, "Little Two, Little Two, No Two". Class 3, Class 3, dancing and shouting the loud slogan "Little Three, Little Three, Dad likes it".
Kindergarten festival performance, class three on the stage. A kitten who plays the dog duckling staggers up at the climax and puts this big condom on a child. The teacher was furious and asked him what he was doing. He said, "Teacher, you have a problem with my father. You don't want me to have the first class, and you don't want me to have the second class. This is the third performance today. I asked you yesterday, "Teacher, what am I playing? "You said you played, you also played.