Firm but non-aggressive, and loving but notseductive - this is the famous saying of the autopsychologist Kohut.
"Determined without hostility" is the best way for us to maintain our individual independence; "affectionate without temptation" - I personally understand that it is very difficult, it is the most primitive and unconditional kind Love has no bargaining, no contamination, and no strings attached; "affection without temptation" is a kind of companionship. Love requires companionship and must be exchanged for the only and most expensive thing in your life, that is, your time.
While I am devoting my time, I am actually very conflicted due to the influence of my family of origin. I cannot remain an independent individual and I am particularly prone to emotions. Recently I have listened to a lot of audios related to emotions, and I have slowly settled down, slowly adjusted and changed myself, used the correct method to repair my inner wounds, and at the same time tried to use a peaceful mind to deal with external stimuli - acceptance , a process of recognizing and understanding your own emotions: when facing your child's emotions, you must first accept your own emotions before you can accept your child's emotions, instead of becoming another "emotional trigger".
I often couldn't control my emotions in the past, so Peng was oppressed by my temper (I always had the upper hand and didn't give her the right to vent her emotions), and she didn't dare to express her emotions, so I tried to write it down so that she could express it. Although there was no immediate effect, I found that she has become more cheerful and more willing to express her thoughts recently, which reduced the burden in her emotional bag and avoided a vicious cycle.
"I found that you are angry, right? Do you need your mother to hug you? Anger is a good emotion, but you can say it with your mouth." This is the most frequently said sentence recently. I found that Especially useful, Peng's little emotional backpack is like a hole, constantly leaking out, bit by bit, losing weight every day.
Starting in April, I started doing emotional exercises with her (sharing 3 emotions with her every day), and I had an unexpected gain: she shared with me things that I had never known before, her inner fears and fears. One day, my father did not participate in the emotional sharing, and asked me secretly: "Is Dad shy and embarrassed to share his emotions?"
My old mother often didn’t know how to explain and express her emotions because she was short of words, so she tried a new method and bought a set of emotion cards. Whenever she had time, she would play the emotion card game: Stones with her. In scissors-paper, the loser draws an emotion card, imitates the expression in the emotion card, describes similar emotions that have happened to him, and works together to think of solutions and alternatives. This game is very relaxing and can also increase the recognition of many emotions. It is also a process of consolidating acceptance and recognition of one's own emotions. Faced with the current emotions, you can be calmer.
On April 23, the old mother was in a bad state. She was very impetuous all day long. She endured it all day. At night, when she saw the mess in her toy room, she almost got angry and tried to use exaggerated language. Expressing it "I saw your mess, my hair was so angry (I found it wrong, I changed it to curled up), and my eyes were so angry that they turned red." The young lady was laughing non-stop next to me, thinking that I was very Funny, at that moment, I found that my temper was gone. Before going to bed, I shared my emotions with her, "Mom has a lot of emotions today, and I don't know how to express them. I urgently need to take a good rest and adjust myself." I asked her, "Why can't you sleep? Can you share with me?" For a moment?" She also told me the reason.
When facing your own emotions, sometimes you are really at a loss for words. Think about what emotions you are feeling, and the process of thinking will actually ease your mind. First, you should love and accept your emotions, and then go on. When you accept your child's emotions, you will feel calm inside. Treating and handling emotions correctly with your child, that feeling is really subtle. Learning is never for others, but for yourself. It was my children who gave me the opportunity to reinvent myself and transform myself. The mythical beasts are all sent by God to test us. We are very grateful for this opportunity. Persistence is victory!
After venting so many discoveries, I am *sexualizing myself. The main reason for my child’s emotional problems is me.
2020.5.10 ~ Sharing Peng’s emotional outburst today: She was anxious to go out for a ride and asked me to change her clothes. I was too tired today and didn’t want to move on the sofa, so she started to get anxious. She started yelling, and her father was a little affected and kept asking her to go to the room to calm down. As a result, Peng started to get angry. After giving her a hug, "Mom knows you are anxious to go out, but you feel powerless now." As a result, she started to go crazy~explosion~ She collapsed, and then I asked her to get the emotion card and look for her own emotions. She was reluctant at first, but she still went to get it, and then I looked for her emotions with her. She said there were many emotions, and I I guided her to tell her what her initial emotions were (from anxiety to anger to madness to explosion to collapse), and I asked her what to do? She said that there were too many emotions, but they could be put into small jars. Then I picked up the emotion cards one by one and put them in the little jar on her body (she pointed to the parts of her body for me to put them in).
Afterwards, I told her a joke, "You have too many emotional monsters, and they all turned into meat pies, so you didn't know what to do just now." She also smiled relievedly and went I shared my emotions with my dad.
Dad was more reserved and said directly that he didn’t want to share his emotions, so I said, "Dad was actually affected by you just now. I don’t know what to do. He is a little anxious and irritable."