all our troubles are not caused by others. When you think that all your troubles are caused by others, you will find that you are particularly easy to get angry. What's anger for? Angry is to find an excuse and reason to say that it's all because of him. If it weren't for him, it wouldn't be like this.
don't be angry.
when you can learn to break this social inertia, you won't think that any of your unhappiness is caused by others. Only in this way can you return to the matter itself, not to the person who makes you angry.
You should learn to ask yourself a few questions before each conversation:
The first question is what is my goal in this conversation? What do I hope to achieve for myself?
the second question is, what do I hope to achieve for each other after this conversation?
the third question is, what kind of goal do I hope to achieve for our relationship after this conversation?
finally, I have to ask myself, what should I do to achieve these goals?
when you can finish asking these four questions, this is called the guiding thinking of key dialogue. Basically, you return to calm down.
Let's take an example. For example, your child likes to play games, playing games every day, and then you say that he is useless, and it is useless to lose his temper several times. What should I do?
have a key conversation with him.
what do I hope to achieve? I hope that after this conversation, I can help him reduce the time of playing games and make him concentrate more on his studies. This is your goal.
what do I hope to achieve for each other? I hope that the other person can feel that his mother loves him, that his mother is considerate of him, and find a way to balance playing games and studying. This is for each other.
then what should I bring to our relationship? Do I want to make us worse after this conversation? No, I hope that after this conversation, the relationship between me and my children will become more harmonious and my children will feel my unconditional love for him. This is what I did for his relationship. So what should I do? You see, when you ask yourself the first three questions and then ask what I should do, you have many ways. For example, you should express your concern and love first, and you should express your understanding first. You should tell him that when he was a child, Dad especially liked playing games, which is true. Or my mother once had a crush on a movie star when she was a child, which is normal. Then why does mom want to talk to you about this? What should we do? You see, at this time, your mood will get better first. When your mood gets better, you can talk to your children well.
well, I'd like to remind you one thing at this time, that is, we should always keep in mind the significance of the dialogue during the process. Do you know why many people suddenly get angry when talking to others, so they slam the door and take it away, saying no and walking away. Why? The reason is that he has forgotten the purpose and significance of the conversation at that moment and forgotten it. Your weak self began to fight back, so the conversation between you and the other person was interrupted, and then you responded with a strong emotion.
In life, for example, we want to talk to my boss about my next job, not to scold him and humiliate him to resign, which is not good for me either. I'm talking to my children today to help them grow up better, not to let them run away from home and make their relationship worse. Talking to my husband about this is not for divorce, but for letting him feel the warmth of this family. You see, when you can feel, when you can always remind yourself of the meaning and purpose of the conversation, your emotions are not easy to get out of control.
The second requirement is that everyone can be a dual-core interlocutor. What are we doing with two nuclei in our heads? One core is responsible for the content of the conversation, and the other is responsible for the atmosphere of the conversation. When you can find that the atmosphere of the conversation seems to be wrong and the other party seems to be a little nervous now, what should you do at this time? We should stop the core of the conversation first and use the core of the conversation atmosphere to restore the atmosphere. After the atmosphere is restored, we will continue to talk about the content, which is an effective way to have a dialogue.
Have you ever seen a lot of mothers nagging their children? The child is completely impatient, but I can't stand it. Please stop talking. I really can't. Or the child just plays the game blankly, with his mother nagging all the time. Or the child is yelling angrily, and the mother is still nagging. Is this conversation effective? Almost zero, even negative. But why does that mother keep nagging? The reason is simple, because she has only one core. She only talks about the content, and she doesn't see that the atmosphere of the conversation is already very bad.
and why do we ordinary people often have all kinds of questions when talking? It is because we are all obsessed with saying what we have to say. We all just want to tell all our complaints and grievances, and then tell a lot of examples. You didn't see the other person confronting you, and you didn't see the other person's special pain. So at this time, we should learn to say OK, let's restore our emotions first, and let each other's emotions ease first.
so what are the ways to make this conversation safe? That is, when the other person's emotions are excited, what methods can make this conversation safe? There are many ways in the book, for example, the first one is called apology. Apologizing is a particularly good way to ease. The second method is called comparative explanation. What is comparative explanation? That is, the purpose of calling you here today is to solve the problem of our children's academic performance. I don't want you to feel that I want to blame you. The purpose of my conversation with you is to improve the relationship between us. I don't want you to think that I always blame you. Talk to your child and say that I'm talking to you today because I hope you can make progress in your studies this year, and I don't want to put too much pressure on you. You see, when you can make a comparative explanation, it is helpful to ease our atmosphere when you say what you want to achieve and what you don't want to achieve.
another trick is to create * * * with the same purpose. What does it mean? Do you remember saying that everyone is looking for money? Everyone's pursuit of wealth is to create the same purpose. So when you find something wrong with each other, say, honey, we both want this home to be better, we both want our company to have a good development, and we all want to make better products. When we emphasize the same purpose with each other, we all hope to solve this matter quickly. So when you emphasize the same purpose, the other party will feel safe and will come up with a cooperative mood to solve this problem.
Sometimes the biggest problem is that I am angry. I broke out before others, and my temper is particularly big. What should I do at this time? I have seen more people like this in my life. Before others broke out, he broke out first. When you are angry, I suggest that you should withdraw from this conversation and calm down first. If you are in a bad mood, you can stop talking for a while, even for five minutes.
then what are you doing at this time? Ask yourself what the purpose of the conversation is. What the hell do I want? Use this goal to convince yourself, then take a deep breath and nod.
Steps of key conversation:
The first step is to start over, so as to calm your mind and know why you want to talk.
Then always pay attention to the observation, pay attention to the emotions of yourself and the other party, and then ensure the safety of the conversation.
If the conversation feels unsafe, use the methods of apology, comparative explanation and * * * to pull it back.
then don't let yourself get angry easily.
then state the facts and get to know each other.
finally reached an agreement.
this is the process of a key dialogue.
transferred from Fan Deng to study.