Jeremy Bentham, a famous philosopher, famously said, "There are two kinds of people in the world, one divides the world into two kinds of people, and the other does not". In my opinion, there are two kinds of parents in the world, one is to treat children as "personal belongings" and the other is not.

Recently, I read the memoirs of a student who has returned to the United States. In his memoirs, he complained bitterly that his parents "cared too much" for him since childhood, which led to his mental illness. He not only blacked out the contact information with his parents, but also 12 didn't go home during the Spring Festival. ...

After reading this memoir, my biggest feeling is that this student studying in the United States is "sensitive" and "fragile", with cognitive bias, and really needs psychological counseling and help. But the growth of a child, in addition to parents' education, the environment is also a great influence factor. We can't say that the psychological problems of a child as an adult are caused by his parents when he was a child, but parents do have some inappropriate places in raising their children. They raise their children as "personal belongings", not as "children". The fundamental reason is that they lack due empathy and respect for their children. As parents, we should do the right thing for our children from the perspective of parents.

There are some details in the memoirs that deserve our parents' attention:

The mother dressed her son in a skirt and dressed her son as a girl;

When the son was bullied, the mother asked him to "cry" and tell the teacher;

You need to wear shorts for the performance, but mother still insists on wearing pants for her son.

The son was laughed at by relatives because he could not peel eggs, and his parents disagreed;

……

? How many parents know the meaning of "respect"

Parents who raise their children as "personal belongings" are characterized by the fact that the children are mine, and I can raise them as I like and teach them as I like. They treat and take care of them from the perspective of a parent. And a parent who knows how to respect his children will treat them as an individual separated from their parents, treat them as a person, give them respect and necessary recognition, and know how to put themselves in their shoes.

Parents who know how to respect their children, if their children don't want to wear a certain dress, they may patiently ask their children's reasons, and if the reasons are appropriate, they will support them; Parents who know how to respect their children will know how to listen to their children's voices first and even encourage them to give solutions when they are bullied. A parent who knows how to respect his child can feel the child's sadness when the child is laughed at and protect the child in time ... in short, "respect the child's heart."

Judging from the development stage of Eriksson's personality, children at the age of 2 or 3 already have the psychological demand of "independence", which is embodied in "I want to wear green clothes instead of blue" and "I want to wear jumping shoes instead of white cloth shoes" ... When children reach the age of 4 or 5, they have the psychological demand of "initiative", which is embodied in "I will eat if you let me".

? "Respect" children, parents must do at least three things:

1, have the consciousness of respecting children.

Psychologist Eric Fromm said that love without respect is control. To have a sense of respect for children is to know how to start from respecting children's language and behavior and understand the ideas behind their language and behavior, instead of denying and criticizing children from the beginning, let alone forcing and scolding them.

One day in a restaurant, because a child didn't want to eat, his mother rudely forced him to say, "If you don't eat, I won't want you ..." Before long, the child lay on the ground and rolled around, causing his mother to shout, "You've humiliated me! I've never seen an unreasonable child like you ... "The child didn't get respect from his mother, so he took feedback that he didn't respect his mother; A mother respects herself, but not her children.

2. Give children the space of their own choice.

Educator maria montessori taught that children have a strong sense of personal dignity, while adults usually don't realize that they are fragile and depressed. Many parents know how to maintain the dignity of others, but they ignore that their children need dignity, even children are no exception. From the age of 2, children have a strong will to choose independently, such as what toys to play and what fruit to eat first. Although it is not the child who has the final say, parents had better give their children the right to choose. If parents deny it for a long time and always help their children make up their minds, it will cause setbacks to their children, which in turn will lead to learned helplessness. They will give up their choices and even resent their parents.

One day, I took my children to the bookstore. A little girl nearby took a fancy to a children's book. She was attracted by the cover. She really wanted her father to buy it for her, but his father coldly refused: "Why are you always so naive?" Children should not look at useless things! "I saw the embarrassment on the little girl's face. It is conceivable that this child will not be happy in the future, because she has a father who doesn't know how to safeguard his dignity. On the way home, my son asked me, "mom, what's useless?" "This question is too difficult to answer. I thought for a long time before saying," What is useless is useless only to those who think they are useless. "Like your toy transformers, it doesn't work for me, but it works for you. Nothing is absolutely useless ... "

3. Learn to have empathy for children.

Psychologist Teresa Wiseman said that empathy is the ability to empathize with others. Children often need parents' approval when they are young. Even if not, I hope to get the understanding of my parents. Children can gain self-confidence only when they feel that their parents have empathy for them, because this is the care and love for their children. Empathy parents will also cultivate their children with empathy and understanding, because parents understand their thoughts and they also learn to understand others.

Confucius, a philosopher, is a model of sympathy for children. It is said that one day, Confucius and Luz were driving a carriage to Mount Tai, and a little boy blocked the way. Lutz was very angry, but when Confucius heard the child say that he built a "city" in front of him with mud, the child said, "Are you going to let the city make way for the carriage? Or is the carriage going around the city? " After hearing this, Confucius apologized to the child, and then let Luz drive the carriage around the child's "city". Probably Confucius knew that it didn't take much time for the carriage to go around, but the children spent all their time building cities with mud.

Ji Bolun said, your child is not your child. Children are themselves, and respecting children is the warmest parenting of parents.

Key words: respect for children, parent-child relationship, infant psychology, early education.

The child said that a parent-child counselor learned from foreign psychologists and shared scientific and valuable parenting experience.