: Only when we break off diplomatic relations can we have close friends
Author: Master blade master Miao
As a teacher who teaches interpersonal psychology, almost every day someone asks me, "How to make true friends?"
I replied, "Only when we break off diplomatic relations can we have close friends!"
I have observed a strange phenomenon since I studied psychology for more than ten years.
In every class, there are always some "red people" who make friends everywhere from the beginning and get along well with everyone.
Although everyone seems to get along well with each other, in private, others are full of criticisms about the "red man". What really makes everyone praise is some people who don't have a wide circle of friends and have their own materials.
Most interpersonal courses emphasize how to make new friends, how to eliminate misunderstandings and how to save friends. Few people mentioned how to break off diplomatic relations with others.
Because we always think about many friends and many roads, we don't know that many "friends who are hurting" are not good at opening roads, but their ability to block roads is first-class.
or maybe we are thin-skinned and can't stand the embarrassment of not contacting each other. In fact, this is also a weakness of remembering the past.
The key to seeing whether a person has a mature interpersonal communication mode is whether he knows how to break off diplomatic relations honorably.
Don't be afraid of breaking up. Those who clamor for breaking up with us every day are entangled in our lives.
and those who have never said goodbye have nothing to do with each other in time.
Mother is a kind person, and one of her words is: Make friends with your enemies.
As a result, she spent a lot of energy on getting close to the enemy, not only covered with injuries, but also alienated those who were really worthy of communication.
our biggest weakness in this era is that on the one hand, we want others to accept us too much, on the other hand, we treat others as our own too easily.
Today, with loneliness everywhere, you must learn to pull the following people.
1. I was forgetful when I was a graduate student. I once had a lover who fell in love for more than a year. We made an appointment to find an ordinary college as a teacher after graduation. I went on the day of the exam, but she didn't go.
I called her. On the phone, she told me a lot of problems, and then she broke up, and I couldn't contact her again. Later, a classmate told me that she was with a doctor who returned to China.
Dr. Haigui entered a key university through the talent introduction program. Naturally, as a doctor's family, she was placed in a key university to work.
A few years later, I met her again at an academic exchange meeting. It was not easy for her to raise her children alone after divorce. We chatted for a while and left each other contact information.
When she left, she asked me implicitly: Do we still need people in our unit? Is there an establishment? Key universities have never solved the problem of preparation for her.
when I came back, I deleted her contact information for the second time, and there was no more contact.
We are not saints. I evaluate the balance between my own needs and those of others every day. If I can, I'm even willing to suffer a little.
but in some people's minds, when the value of emotion is far lower than the real matter, I won't take advantage of it at all.
For those who believe that "all shall be well, jack shall have Jill", maybe my "social status" is rubbish, but my greatest wealth is that I can control myself.
in the face of exquisite egoists, feelings are vulnerable.
In front of these fierce carnivores, if you don't want to be bitten by bones, you'd better learn to stay away from them.
2. People who keep wasting you
A reader has been giving me a headache. Every time she sends me a message on WeChat, the beginning is: "Teacher, I can't live any longer. I need your help!" Then she will list all kinds of things she has encountered in her life, no matter how big or small, and hope I can give advice.
I told her euphemistically that the counselor is to help a person grow up, not to make decisions for her.
what's more, I'm really busy. Sometimes, it takes one night just to enlighten her.
however, she still hasn't changed, so one day I stopped answering her messages.
In interpersonal communication, some people can gain energy, while others have been wasting you.
Most of these people are honest and kind to others, but they just don't use their brains and can't say right or wrong, but they are very tired to get along with each other. Once they are close to you, you will suffer from conscience if you don't help.
Many people will advise you to get along with others, and you must compromise at the critical moment. After all, we can't get rid of each other when we are together. The person who said this will never tell you, in fact, there are many contradictions between them.
How many people bruise their souls in such gregarious and compromise, and finally can't find their original self. One of the great disadvantages of modern people is that they want to cater to others without seeing through themselves, which is completely putting the cart before the horse.
I'm sorry, my time and energy are limited. I hope people around me and I inject energy into each other instead of spending it unilaterally.
I'd rather be your intimate friend than a cheap coolie and emotional trash can.
3. My past self
Before writing this article, I opened the blacklist of my WeChat. I want to know who I blacked out in the past five years. When I opened the records, I counted about twenty, no more, no less, and I recalled the reasons why I blacked them out one by one.
a classmate is a typical one who asks for a red envelope if he doesn't agree with a word. Once he said that he would give me five dollars and twenty cents, he told me: My place in his heart. As a result, I didn't hear the answer in the past month, so I received the request of "Send 13.14 and I will be your lover".
I'm sorry, I'm not gay, but I'm decisive.
A certain gentleman is a super negative energy player, and his space is full of social dissatisfaction.
The most important thing is that he has to teach me to be a man under every circle of friends, such as "Only * * * people in this society are devoted to love!" "She must have won the prize by selling meat. She is too young to get down to business!"
are you a teacher or am I a teacher? Laheizhi!
In addition, there are some people who I think are too arrogant, or have too low emotional intelligence, or like to gossip behind their backs.
I lifted their blacklist, and I sent them the information of new friends again. I am glad that more than ten people accepted my request.
The classmate who asked for a red envelope sent me a red envelope and left a message "Welcome back!" " .
The negative energy player is married, and the space is full of photos of the baby. Occasionally, there is a little dissatisfaction with the society, but the tone is much softer.
I suddenly found that people can change, no matter others or myself.
Now that I am strong, I don't always feel that others are arrogant towards me. For those friends who are a little "idiot", I also think they are very cute. As for the gossip, that's something I don't have to care about at all.
In interpersonal communication, we often like to blame others. In fact, we vaguely know that we also have problems!
the process of denying yourself and transforming yourself is very painful, but if you don't take this step, you will always get hurt. Life is full of the humiliation of being betrayed and the sense of security of self-deception.
Therefore, the person we really should be blacked out most is the weak self in the past.
In a word, if the gap between you and your friends is getting wider and wider, the wound that you blindly mend by compromise will only be torn in the accumulated friction, and then there is no room for recovery.
please learn to be kind to yourself.
Sentimentality is a kind of stupidity. If you lose a friend, you can't live. It's only because you have too little experience.
: high emotional intelligence, not just talking
Author: XII
Recently, a question-and-answer session was opened, and a fan asked me that she always felt that she could not get the high points of others and it was difficult to integrate into the big environment. What should I do? This is actually a problem that many people are worried about. I am still not the kind of person who can talk particularly. Moreover, it is impossible for everyone, like an orator, to easily mobilize the emotions of others and be sensitive to others' points.
but I give you what a friend gave me many years ago-there is no shortage of boasters in this world, and what is lacking is a good listener.
So, I see most people who are distressed by emotional intelligence problems. The common obstacle is that they are eager to integrate into the environment and constantly deny that they are too dumb to talk, but they have never relaxed their nerves and become good listeners.
The real high EQ is really more than just talking!
1. Being good at listening is also a sense of existence
Cai Kangyong wrote an article in The Way of Speaking. He said that everyone wants to talk about themselves when chatting, which is human nature. But an "on-the-road" friend is someone who can listen intently and give ear even if he hears the other person's nonsense.
Of course, I know that many people will ask, will this make others ignore my existence? This is a misunderstanding of many people. Those who have no sense of existence are not because they don't talk, but because they are huddled in the corner, emitting an atmosphere: others have nothing to do with me. They have been knocked down by their own inner frustration and have no ability to care about others at all, although what others say will still take the initiative to run to their ears!
I believe that when a group of people are eager to talk about themselves, the person who listens carefully and speaks at the right time must be the friend that everyone wants to make most, because he makes people feel respected, cared for, sincere and reliable.
2. You must be obedient before you can speak.
As the old saying goes, children who talk late will speak better. What I observed later was that those children who spoke late were more organized and logical. They often don't start with a word, but they can say a sentence soon. Why? Because they listen to adults very carefully, and they really give inferences. They will like a more complete expression.
I often tell my post-9s subordinates-wait until I'm finished, then you can express your opinions. In fact, in reality, many people will have this problem when they speak: take other people's meaning out of context, or even get it wrong at all, and then start to express it in a hurry, or don't express it at all, and let the mistakes continue.
So, I think the best way to exercise my workplace ability is to take meeting minutes. I asked my subordinates to make a meeting record, with very few words. I asked her, why are there so few words? This is what she understood, she said. What she thinks of the minutes of the meeting is to explain the contents of the meeting from her point of view. In fact, this is a very big mistake. You have tried to translate even if you don't have a complete grasp of the vocabulary. The result is that there are many mistakes and omissions, which are not what the other party originally intended to express. A good record is to try to restore the scene of that meeting and record the whole process of communication. In this way, if there are any problems in the future, there is evidence to follow.
This is the reason why many couples quarrel. How many people think of the past after breaking up, only to find out that they didn't get the real meaning of each other at all. How many misunderstandings and misunderstandings are due to too little understanding.
3. People who talk endlessly are even more annoying.
In the blind date stories I heard, men who were directly rejected for blind date often had a common problem-they kept talking during dinner, and everything he said began with "I".
what do I do? I bought a house. I bought a car. What kind of marriage do I want? What kind of life I hope to live in the future.
But any such man, even if he is excellent, will probably be rejected, because every woman has an os in her heart when she hears this: It's all me, me and me. Who do you think you are? !
Those people who stand on the stage and everyone is looking forward to listening to them, those speakers, never just because they are awesome enough, they just want to express themselves endlessly, but they always express a very high-level context-I am related to you, and everything I say is related to you. I hope what I say is meaningful to you.
to brush the sense of existence is by no means to keep talking. Even if you are good at talking, speaking for two hours will be boring. Moderate silence is a good expresser. Because, silence, there is space, and it is a more abundant emotional flow.
4. Be a person who dares to admit "I don't understand"
If, I say, now, I really miss the stage when there were many people who didn't understand. do you believe that？
when I graduated, I really couldn't understand what my bosses said, and even their daily chats were difficult for me to understand. However, I really worked hard and listened carefully. My master said, I still remember when I was staring at a pair of bull's eyes, sitting beside them and listening to them seriously. When I was thinking, my eyes were still rolling. He said that at that time, he knew that a willing son could teach.
if you don't understand, it doesn't matter. Write that down and look it up. Ask. Slowly, more and more can get to many connotation points. When you don't understand, it's actually the best time for you to grow up. Sometimes, being a person who can listen can actually learn more than speaking.
The same is true between people. The person who dares to say "I won't" modestly can often get more help, although he will inevitably face some contempt. The person who dares to admit that he doesn't understand must grow faster than the person who pretends to understand and let himself go.
The grass is bearing its seeds
The wind is shaking its leaves
It is very beautiful when we stand and don't talk
Everyone yearns for such an emotion, so we can communicate with each other without relying on words. Many people also aspire to have the mind-reading ability as in science fiction and martial arts novels, but for me, I used to think that I was not good at talking, so I could only be a good listener. But gradually when many people don't believe me at all and I'm not good at words, I feel that all my functions are due to years of listening, including being a good writer, and because many people trust my ears, I know the true hearts of many people.
you don't have to be able to talk to be called high emotional intelligence. A comfortable, relaxed and cheerful listener gains more true feelings and true meaning than a boastful speaker who seems to have the upper hand.
So, if you are a good listener, don't feel humble, because your existence is too important. For example, I absolutely don't want to lose my friend who can listen to me well.
: Make yourself more educated
Foreword: In interpersonal communication, you can't cover everything, so at least show your self-restraint in the nuances.
1. Change all the "thank you" into "thank you"
Being in a dense social network, we can't help asking for help or getting help and encouragement from others. At this time, expressing gratitude has become an essential communication skill. But will you really "thank you"?
when we get material or spiritual gifts from others, we often just say "thank you" in a hurry, and occasionally it's harmless, which is inevitable in the long run.