The two forms of interpersonal relationship are dependence and independence.
Dependence means that when you have some psychological or practical needs that you can't meet, you need to rely on the strength of others to meet your own needs.
For example, some people can't take care of their own hardships. They are always busy working overtime, doing housework and taking care of relatives. This makes them particularly tired. At this time, they will have a need to rely on their partners, children, parents and others. I hope they can take care of their own suffering and hope that someone will hurt themselves and share their fatigue.
For example, some people can't take care of themselves, and their practical functions such as cooking, washing clothes and taking medicine are relatively degraded, so they are eager to meet a gentle and polite partner to rely on. Some people find it difficult to make money by their own jobs, but they hope to make money by knowing local tyrants and marrying rich people.
For example, some people can't complete a work project by themselves, and then seek the cooperation of others to complete it, which is also a kind of dependence. Cooperation means interdependence.
Relying on others is one of the most important means to meet our psychological and practical needs. It makes up for our own weakness, limitation and incompetence, and makes our life more complete and moist.
The meaning of independence is opposite.
Independence is to satisfy one's psychological needs and realistic needs through one's own efforts.
For example, when people look down on themselves, encourage themselves. When everyone ignores themselves, they can do what they like and play with themselves. When the economic ability can't keep up with your own desires, you can gain wealth and satisfy your desires through hard work.
The relationship between two people benefits from the comprehensive result of independence and dependence.
Independence is good.
In this new era, more and more people begin to praise independence. In fact, the marriage rate is getting lower and lower and the divorce rate is getting higher and higher. The demand for marriage is getting smaller and smaller. More and more people are asking this question:
Why should I get married?
I can buy my own house, I can repair the toilet, I can cook by myself, I can earn money by myself, what else can I do except that children can't have their own children? Why are you looking for someone to make things difficult for yourself?
Independence does have many advantages, and the biggest advantage is security.
The more independent a person is, the less emotional demand he has for a relationship. The more economically independent a person is, the less he needs reality in his relationship. At this time, the other party's actions will have less influence on him.
Therefore, the more independent a person is, the more natural and unrestrained he lives.
But the premise of independence is actually wealth. You have enough ability and capital to give it to yourself and others by the way, because you are good at it.
But one kind of independence is pretending to be independent, and the effect is just the opposite. That is, in fact, you have no capital and no ability to be independent, but you should persevere and deliberately demand your independence.
This kind of person is very fragile inside and is very eager for others' care, care and accommodation. But because he couldn't get it, didn't believe in love or didn't want to rely on it, he suppressed his needs and insisted on pretending that he never needed it. At this time, if someone gives him a little stimulation, he will collapse.
A person obviously can't take care of his own heart, but also pretends to be indifferent. Pretend to live a good life when you obviously can't live the life you want. Pretending to be independent will make him tired.
Rigid independence is not true independence, which is unsustainable and unrealistic in itself.
However, the disadvantage of independence is loneliness.
At that moment, you only have a relationship with yourself, and you can't have a relationship with others. There is only you and your business in your world, and no one else.
The safest relationship must also be the loneliest. Without dependence, it will not be abandoned.
Independence is good, but no one can be independent in all aspects at all times. And many times you don't need to be silly to be independent. When the conditions are right, we can choose to rely on it.
The advantage of dependence is that it gives us a chance to breathe and saves us a lot of energy.
My philosophy has always been:
Why do you do what you can let others do?
The modern society is more advanced than the farming society in that people have learned the division of labor, cooperation and interdependence.
In farming society, people talk about "self-sufficiency" and do everything by themselves. Every family is an independent small system, which is tired and inefficient.
In modern society, people are more aware of their own advantages and disadvantages, rely on their own strengths to serve others, and then rely on others' shortcomings to form a more efficient system.
In our country, I have met many men. They can't take care of their daily life and take care of their children, so they outsource this part to their wives and rely on them to complete their integrity.
At this time, they have more time and energy to make money, work and do what they are good at. At the same time, their expertise just fills the shortcomings of their wives' earning ability and forms an efficient alliance.
This is a very good family model. In this family, everyone is interdependent in social function-relying on each other's strengths and providing supplies in each other's weaknesses.
This is the dependence on the external life function, which is obvious.
The same is true of human psychology.
In society, people sometimes encounter pressure, frustration, loneliness and self-doubt. At this time, people need to use their psychological functions to appease themselves.
When your heart is strong, it's easy for you to comfort yourself. But when our hearts are not so strong, we need others to give us comfort, comfort, understanding, recognition, attention, companionship, support and so on, so that we can survive better.
This is a dynamic process. You can rely on him when you are strong, and you can also rely on him when he is strong, thus forming a good psychological alliance.
This is called feelings.
In a beautiful marriage, they can not only depend on each other in terms of material and reality, but also depend on each other psychologically and emotionally.
The advantage of dependence is liberation, openness and integration, that is, you put another person in your heart and become a part of you. At the same time, it is also a disadvantage, because the more you rely on another person to satisfy your self-function, the lower your tolerance for losing him.
Where you are independent, he just needs to rely on. He happens to be independent when you depend on him. This is also an ideal relationship.
A healthy relationship is cooperation. Cooperation is a dynamic balance between dependence and independence.
The so-called interdependence means that you depend on him in some places and he depends on you in other places, and then you are satisfied with each other. Where you can rely on it, you can rely on it and liberate yourself. Where you can't rely on it, you choose to be independent and liberate the relationship. Not only do I want you to satisfy me, but I also want you to satisfy me.
The independence and dependence between two people just coincide, which is a match made in heaven. However, if you think about it with your toes, this idea is too naive.
But mankind has never stopped this fantasy. Desire to be dependent when you want to be dependent. Rely on failure, unwilling, will be angry.
Anger is actually the result of dependence failure.
You wanted satisfaction from him, but he didn't give it to you. You are very unwilling and can't accept that he didn't give you the satisfaction you wanted, so you will be very angry.
Some people will be disappointed if they are angry for a long time. If you are disappointed, you will want to stay away or stay away, and want to be independent. Thus the relationship is readjusted.
Too much dependence is doomed to disappointment. Being too independent is doomed to fatigue. These are two extremes, and neither can establish a nourishing relationship.
That sounds difficult. How to face the relationship?
Dare to rely on, dare to be independent and dare to conflict.
In fact, the three essential elements of a relationship are: dependence, independence and conflict, all of which are indispensable. The development of a relationship is inseparable from these three things.
Anger and disappointment are the running-in of two people, looking for the boundary of independence and dependence. Conflict is the only way for the long-term development of the relationship between two people. Conflict is an effective tool to adjust boundaries.
So if you feel tired in life, you should try to find someone to lean on. Then look for the boundary of dependence in the conflict.
If you feel angry, disappointed and unfair, you should try to learn to be independent. Lower their expectations in the conflict.
When you are tired and angry, find someone to rely on where you are tired and learn to be independent where you are angry.
Then I guess someone will ask: what if I can't find someone to rely on? Not that I don't want to. No one. Some people will ask: I know all the reasons, and I want to be independent, but I just can't.
I'll give you a famous saying: this question will be discussed later.