Narrator/Qian's son is 8 years old this year. As soon as the child was born, my elderly parents came from the countryside to take care of my wife and children. In the second month, my mother stood by Zhuangzhuang almost every day, staring at the child well, turning over for a while and warming the milk for fear that the child would get cold or hot. Because Zhuang Zhuang is the first "generational" Raul met, Raul likes children very much and cares about them especially. It can be said that "I'm afraid when I put it in my mouth, but I'm afraid when I fall on my head". With the growth of Zhuang Zhuang, the doting tendency of grandparents is gradually revealed. Once, grandma took Zhuang Zhuang to the street. The child saw a child dragging a small toy car in his hand and cried for it. Grandma went to many shopping malls and finally bought a toy car for her children-when she stepped down the stairs in the shopping mall, her knees were bloody. When I got home, my wife and I were distressed and complained, but my mother only said one sentence: "My grandson wants it!" " "Grandma dotes on Zhuang Zhuang, and Grandpa is obedient to Zhuang Zhuang. Whether it is reasonable or not, he will obey and do it. After a long time, Zhuang Zhuang will become a "little emperor" in the eyes of his grandparents: he will do what he has ordered and say what he has said. When Zhuang Zhuang was 3 years old, my wife and I wanted to send our children to kindergarten to lay the foundation for going to primary school in the future. But Zhuang Zhuang went to kindergarten and cried, but he didn't go in anyway. As a result, the children didn't even go for three days, but they were taken back by their grandparents. I argued with my parents, and my father glared: "If the child doesn't go, he won't go. Study one day earlier and study one day later. How bad can they be? "As a result, Zhuang Zhuang entered kindergarten at the age of 4. Parents not only dote on their children in life, but also "indulge" their children in education. Whenever my wife and I correct our children's mistakes, the second boss will come forward and try to "defend" our grandson, leaving us at a loss. One day when I came home from work, I saw Zhuang Zhuang sitting in front of the computer playing games. I asked him, "Zhuang Zhuang, have you finished your homework?" Without looking up, Zhuang Zhuang replied, "Write it later! "I was so angry that I turned off the computer. Zhuangzhuang sat on the sofa and began to cry. Grandma heard crying and ran out of the kitchen. She picked up the child and yelled at me: "Children play when they play. Why did you hit him? "Go, grandma will take you to play games!" After that, I turned on the computer in the back room again-I was so happy, but I was so angry! On another occasion, the school organized students to participate in "camping". I thought it was an excellent opportunity to exercise children's viability, so I signed up. But parents don't let Zhuang Zhuang take part in any activities on the grounds that it is too hot! There are countless such trifles in life. After a long time, Zhuang Zhuang developed a "habit": when my wife and I educated him or went against his "wishes", he went to his grandparents to "complain" and seek "refuge". Every time parents come forward to "mediate", they always talk to their grandchildren. I have repeatedly told my parents that there is no harm in doting on their children. They always prevaricate that it is not too late to educate them when they grow up. As the eldest son, I am also very pleased to see my parents who have worked hard all their lives enjoying their old age. However, I am worried when I think that my children are spoiled under the "umbrella" of grandparents and become more and more like "little emperors". I think there are many families in it runs in the family now. I wonder how they deal with children's education. In addition, when my parents were young, they were very strict with our brothers and sisters and never spoiled. How can they be so obedient to their grandchildren when they are old? | Reader's Opinion | 70-year-old mother Wang Ru: It is best not to ask parents to help with the children. My sister married an American. She said that in the west, parents and children have a strong sense of boundaries. Parents only give advice when children are raised to eighteen. Children will not interfere in anything they choose, but they will be responsible for themselves. They don't expect to raise children for their old age, don't want to cause them trouble, and won't help them with their children. My sister gave birth to a baby, and my mother is going to help take it overseas. My brother-in-law feels incredible. He said how could she leave her father-in-law to help us? Brother-in-law's own parents began to enjoy life after raising their children one by one. They rented an RV to travel with a group of elderly people. In their view, each generation has its own responsibilities, including raising children, and grandparents should not do it for them. I quite agree with the views and lifestyles of parents of foreign brothers-in-law. I hope I can travel around the world like them when I am old. China's parents, like mine, mostly didn't enjoy any happiness when they were children. Now that life is finally good, they have to worry about the next generation. How can children have the heart to give them responsibility? So I suggest that they learn from their brother-in-law's parents and take more walks while they are in good health. I said, you raised me and my three brothers and sisters without relying on anyone. What's so terrible about me taking care of the children? So after the baby was born, I took a year and a half maternity leave, devoted myself to the role and insisted on taking care of myself. Although it is hard, it is more fun. In the process of raising children, I have not only become more careful and patient, but also learned many good parenting methods and recorded my daughter's growth and progress every day. Now, our children are in primary school, and our family of three has a very good relationship. Our daughter is not delicate at all. She is very independent. She never asked us to pick her up after school, and always said that she would do her own thing. I am very proud of this. Some of my little sisters are brought by nannies and some by old people. When it comes to many details of children, I always say that I don't have enough time to actually contact them. When it comes to educating children, it is even more difficult for every family to read. Grandparents dote on their children, but they don't listen to their parents. Or children are like swings since childhood, and whoever is good for them will listen to them. I am very happy with my original decision. After 80s, the girl Diana: "Love" became "doting". I am more inclined to pay attention to this kind of "love" behind "drowning". There is nothing wrong with drowning love, it even contains the emotional and psychological origin of human instinct. The starting point of any kind of love is kindness. As for the final effect, it is beyond the lover's control or even unpredictable, which should not be the reason to blame the lover. In the story, grandparents' love for their grandchildren is contrary to the modern educational concept and almost clumsy, which makes people feel sad. In fact, in the face of true love, it is always difficult for us to become rational and coherent, and those so-called wisdom and skills are so insignificant in the face of strong emotions. If we must find a node on the issue of doting, I think it is the expression of love. The difference between doting and normal love (the opposite of doting) is that normal love tends to be rational, restrained and long-term planning; But doting is often more emotional, more direct, more sensational, and more focused on the present. We can't say which expression of love is better, but everyone has the right to choose on this issue. On the other hand, people in different times often don't express their love correctly, which makes it difficult for us to understand how our previous generation and the previous generation expressed their love. The so-called doting is more a subjective division of the effect and cannot represent the depth of love itself. That kind of all-encompassing and sensational expression is doting, isn't that kind of implicit, restrained and tolerant expression doting? Take me for example. Everyone has never spoiled me since I was a child. They will not appear on the rainy road after school, will not buy me favorite but expensive stationery, and will not let me reach for food. But they gave me enough trust and tolerance in my personal choice, even to the point of connivance with outsiders. Therefore, it is not important for me to discuss love and doting. The important thing is that in this kind of love, I no longer feel lonely and helpless. This expression suits me. | Expert opinion | Luo Hong, Ph.D. in Psychology: How do students who study psychology deal with such problems? It's hard to comment on this situation, because I belong to this situation at present, and this situation exists in the family. From the perspective of psychological counseling, if the client and the counselor have the same life situation, it is best to refer them to other counselors, because it is difficult for counselors to look at the problem from an objective standpoint at this time. However, as far as commenting on individual cases is concerned, it's no harm to talk about your own views, just discuss them with readers. This is what many friends in life are very curious about. They often ask me, "How do students majoring in psychology deal with such problems? ! "The elders' preference for children is self-evident, and it is common that they are inconsistent with us in education. But is the question really just the doting of parents? I'm afraid not. Due to busy work, retired parents often help us take care of our children. For them, sometimes children represent their life, so it is not surprising to show more care for their grandchildren. Many times, we may just give our children a material guarantee, but the time to really communicate with them is far less than that of our elders. If we only discipline ourselves when we want to discipline ourselves, and hope that our parents will absolutely support and cooperate, then the problem may lie with us. As for how to face this problem? I personally have several experiences. First, it is wrong to look for the crux of the problem from yourself. Parents are spoiled, children are spoiled, but there is nothing wrong with themselves. Do you really regard cultivating a child's habit as the key to education? Have you invested enough time and energy? If discipline is only an occasional impulse, then we must first change our attitude. Second, if you really want to help your child develop a habit or get rid of a bad habit, please communicate fully with your elders first. I believe that no child's grandparents will be willing to spoil their children. If they understand that the whole family is consistent in education, such an educational environment is most beneficial to children. Third, don't take your own ideas and methods for granted, and don't think that anything will change overnight. It doesn't matter whether the method of educating children once is right or wrong. It is important to maintain a consistent attitude. If you are in a bad mood, be strict with your discipline. If you are in a good mood, just relax. This mode of education is the least desirable. There is no standard answer to praise or beat children. If it is the result of children's own efforts, it is right to praise more. If the child is taking advantage of our love and wants to break the established rules, then it is ok to play once. Finally, each of us needs to seriously understand the simple famous saying "example is more important than words" in life. Don't think that our behavior is like this. If we can't change it, our children should be better than us. Take communication as an example. If we don't know how to respect our ancestors and communicate effectively with our parents, then we really dare not expect our children to be better than us. In short, educating children is an art, and we need to reflect on our own views and practices. Being wrong is not terrible. The terrible thing is to think that you are not wrong at all. These experiences are not only shared with readers, but also need to be constantly reminded by themselves, regardless of whether they are psychologists or not. Facing two generations, I am just an ordinary father.