Since I was a child, I feel that I am a person who can reflect on myself. No matter what happens, good or bad, I am used to looking for the root of the problem from myself. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I always believe that internal factors are very important. Only by finding reasons from ourselves can we better find our own shortcomings. Although external factors exist objectively, I will not pursue them excessively, because it is for myself.
Now I am at an awkward age, that is, in the traditional concept, I need to get married and have children, but in reality I have not become an excellent self. It is said that only by becoming a better self can we meet a better self. Yes, I am a reluctant person. I don't want to make any decision before I become excellent, but to what extent is excellent? We have different standards for evaluating Excellence, but I think if you think your present life, your present job and your present interpersonal relationship are all what you like, and you wake up every day full of expectation and enthusiasm, and make a little progress every day, then you are excellent, because you have found yourself, and now I am on the road to finding such myself, although I think I may wake up a little late, and my previous life seems a bit wasteful. Because I used to be carefree, I ate whenever I wanted, slept whenever I wanted, and had no worries at all. I mistakenly thought I was a very optimistic person. I don't know that this optimism is ignorant and blind, and can't stand the test of setbacks. But I won't deny my past, because this is a stage I have experienced in my life, and I have named this stage "comfortable and confused" period. Now I want to be better, and the "comfortable and confused" period is the stage I want to re-examine.
I won't deliberately think about what I did in the past, but in the process of my efforts now, some scenes will suddenly come to my mind. Just as I finally put my writing into action now, I will feel as if I have had the idea of writing since junior high school. At that time, I kept a diary every day, but the idea at that time was very simple. I wanted to record what happened every day and my mood every day, so I wrote a diary, but I didn't say that I could improve my writing level and become a writer in the future, so I was very happy to keep a diary every day. Later, many students in the class read novels. At first, I was completely uninterested. At that time, I was single-minded and felt that my emotions had not been fully developed. Yes, I remember that the first novel I read was a pure campus novel with no ambiguous scenes, but in some details, it showed that the man loved the woman very much and had some contact in the fight, but I felt the interaction between the hero and heroine was disgusting. I don't like the man's pet and find it unacceptable. Now I think of a good word to describe myself, that is, "straight girl", which is very puzzling. Later, I read more such novels, and my ability to accept them was stronger, and my mood was enriched. I think novels have changed me, so I also want to write novels. I want to share my own thoughts on love, affection and friendship with others. I want to be an emotional person, and I also want some of my ideas to be able to. I wonder if there is a big gap between some of my values and the common values in society. In my opinion, this is not following the crowd, but respecting yourself, others and society.
Sometimes I think that if I had accumulated writing experience and insisted on writing and reading every day, I would have rich writing experience now, instead of being a novice. It's just that there is no if. At present, I'm really just a rookie, but what's my identity in the future? We'll see.