A few weeks ago I wrote an article "How many labels have been placed on you?" At the end of the article, I wrote: "Those who were labeled by others or by ourselves during our growth process The label can actually be torn off. More often than not, it is a choice - we can choose to live according to the label, but we can also choose to live in other ways. Or, at this moment, we seem to be very similar to what is on the label, but tomorrow, we can change and become something else we want.”

I thought at that time, I want to write another one. This article talks about how those labels are attached and how we can tear them off - after that, due to the squeeze of various things, this article has not been written. Until today, something happened.

During dinner, because of a small incident, the child's father meaningfully said to his daughter: "You have such emotional intelligence..." The daughter immediately protested against this comment.

Shortly afterwards, because my daughter complained about another thing, I mentioned that I had recently read a book about the difference between pessimistic and optimistic people and a test to judge the two types of people. , and finally said: "You, I know without taking a test that you are the pessimistic kind." The daughter responded again: "Look, you always say 'don't put labels' on me, but you always label me as pessimistic."

I was speechless for a moment, because she was right... At that moment, I suddenly remembered the article I wanted to write that I had not yet written.

How did you get labeled?

This incident that happened at my dinner table is a good example. If there is no awareness or correction, my daughter will be labeled with two labels: one is called "low emotional intelligence" and the other is called "pessimism".

Fortunately, she noticed and protested. Fortunately, we still have time to make changes.

However, there are more people who have been influenced by the parents who raised us and the people around us since we were young. Various labels have been quietly attached to us. On the body.

This is the first source of labels attached to us - from our significant others, our nurturing environment.

There is another source, which is ourselves.

Due to the influence of the family we were born in and the environment in which we grew up, we will form some inherent thinking patterns and attribution patterns. When something happens that we may not be able to assess and attribute completely objectively, we will attach a label to ourselves. For example, when your grades are unsatisfactory, you think you are stupid and have poor learning ability; if you don't have a good relationship with someone, you think you have poor interpersonal skills or low emotional intelligence... In short, it is to deal with the accidental phenomena that may happen to everyone. Generalize, expand to a large category, and then draw a conclusion for yourself, and then use this label to explain yourself every time a similar situation occurs. As time goes by, those labels become more and more solid.

How to remove those tags?

Since it is a label, it means that it is only attached to us, and it is not something that originally exists in us - then, it can be put on, and naturally it can also be torn off. How to remove those labels that may have a negative impact on our lives?

The first is to be aware.

Only by being aware can we make changes. We must first be able to see those labels, and then see our behaviors that are affected by the labels and solidify those influences. The latter is particularly important.

In January last year, I went to take Eriksson’s coaching course. I admired and envied the teacher Lu Huazhang who was in class at that time and drew one sheet after another by hand without using PPT.

I chatted with the teacher during the break and asked her how she could draw various little people or objects so freely. It was so creative.

The teacher said, you can do it too. Just draw some simple drawings when you have nothing to do, and just keep drawing.

I said that I am the kind of person who has many rules and regulations, so it is difficult to be creative...

The teacher looked at me with a sincere and gentle smile and said, that’s you. I feel like you have a lot of rules and regulations. If you don’t feel them, you don’t have them anymore.

For a moment, I felt a little enlightened - yes, who gave me the rules? There is no one else.

It happens that there is a link in the next course, which is to draw some objects based on various simple lines or geometric patterns on a page, and see who can draw the most within a given time. . When the results were announced, I found that compared to my peers, I was the one who drew a lot. Later, when I served as Sir Ang's teaching assistant in the copyright class, I would draw a cover picture for him on a whiteboard before class started. It turns out that I am really not a rigid person who is bound by many rules and regulations and has no ability to create art as I thought in the past...

Therefore, the first step to remove the label is to be aware of myself Label yourself, then put the label aside and ignore it.

The second is to find exceptions that do not match the label.

As a counselor, when doing consultations, it is common to encounter clients who label themselves and stick to their label beliefs. When I was training before, one of the methods taught by the teacher was to find exceptions.

Why look for exceptions? ?

For example, there is a girl who says that she always fails in doing things and cannot persevere. So now even though we have found her career ideal together, because she still needs the process of ability cultivation, she thinks she may She could never realize her ideal because she couldn't persist in the process.

I asked her: Is there ever a time when you persisted in doing something? ?She thought for a while and said, yes, there was a time when she went running every day for a long time, and she didn’t stop until she left home to work in another place.

I said, look, you are not unable to persist all the time. We can look at what made you persist that time, and then in the future, you try to create the same conditions so that Persistence happens again.

This is to find exceptions - in your experience, there must be something that does not match the label you think, find it, and then "copy" it, so that the scope covered by that label gradually shrinks.

Third, discuss the matter as it stands and don’t generalize.

When the theory of positive psychology talks about the difference between pessimism and optimism, it talks about an attribution model for things. For example, if something is not successful, optimists will attribute it to external conditions and think that this is just an individual and short-lived thing, while pessimists will attribute it to their own shortcomings such as IQ, and may This is considered a common and permanent phenomenon.

As mentioned before, many of our labels are also attached in this way. So, the way to tear them off is to discuss the matter as it is, and don't generalize one thing to one type of thing or even all things. Failure in one exam does not mean that you will fail in all exams, nor does it mean that you have poor learning ability; if you have a bad relationship with one person, it means that you have a bad relationship with that person. It does not mean that there are problems in your interpersonal relationships, because no one can. You may be liked by everyone, so it does not mean that your communication skills are poor...

Fourth, put aside your judgment and look at the goal.

The last and most direct method is to put aside self-criticism, put aside thinking about your own quality, and ask yourself directly: What do I want? What is my goal in this regard? What do I do to help achieve my goals? What resources are around to help and support me in achieving my goals?

There is a saying that what you focus on is what you get. If you focus on those negative labels, you will get more and more solid labels; if you focus on how to achieve the results you want, you will naturally get closer and closer to those results.

Those invisible labels have followed us for many years. They were not formed in one day, and of course they are not easily torn off. Those places covered by labels are like deserts, swallowing up the possibility of us becoming better. However, self-awakening will be like the little green seedlings that burst out of the ground in spring. When you take care of them with your heart, when you take the initiative and consciously change them, those green seedlings will eventually grow up, becoming forests and stretching into vibrant forests. oasis.

With all the labels removed, your life will be freer from now on.