A 38-year-old woman is married and has a 15-year-old son. She sought help from a counselor because of her depression and frequent violent conflicts with her son. The situation of her original family is: her father is a civil servant, usually very busy at work, and rarely communicates with her daughter at home; her mother is a housewife and likes to nag; her parents have a harmonious relationship. She is a civil servant and spends all her time with her son except commuting from nine to five. Her son became rebellious after junior high school. She and her son often had conflicts over studying and playing games. My son spends most of his time in his room and does not do well in school. After she gave birth to the child, she and her husband shared a bed. Since her husband worked outside the home all year round, the couple rarely had sex.

This case contains many relationship secrets. The conflict with his son is a manifestation of a very close relationship. In other words, the secret hidden by the conflict is love that cannot be seen, undifferentiated love. If this invisible love were expressed to his son, it would be, "You abandoned me when you grew up, and I can't live without you, so I'm going to find something to tangle with you." Let me emphasize that parents and children of any age are happily and intimately together, which is a manifestation of the right "distance". This "distance" is called differentiation, and it is a healthy relationship.

In order to be "intensive" with her son, this woman also did one thing, which was to exclude her husband. You may say that her husband is away from home all year round because of work, but psychoanalysis does not see it that way. We are now in an era of independent career choices. If a person or a family is determined enough, they can find a solution that balances work and family. The husband is the most important role in regulating the relationship between mother and child. His absence provides conditions for the integration of mother and child. The distance between me and my husband is a preparation for the distance between me and my son. Of course, allowing the son to experience his father's absence is also a way for the woman to convey her own early experiences and feelings.

Separating beds with your husband and having less sex are symbolic castrations of your husband. This prevents the husband from intervening in the mother-child relationship as a man. It is conceivable that the work this woman is engaged in and the rhythm of her punctual commuting prevent her from developing her abilities to the maximum extent. She can only regard her son's abilities as her own abilities and her son's honor as her own honor. That’s why I put excessive pressure on my son’s studies. From the son's point of view, if he wants to grow into an independent individual, he must do the opposite of his mother. The price he pays is poor grades, because if he does well, he will become a part of his mother.

The weakening and loss of certain abilities of a child may be the result of being too close to the parents (sometimes the father’s excessive self-intrusion into the child), and from the effect point of view, these affected children The ability to lose is a gift to parents, because without ability, it means that you cannot "abandon" your parents and fly away.

Another point is that these analyzes cannot be thrown to anyone in life, just like surgery cannot be performed on the dining table. One scene I imagined was that a mother who was having a conflict with her child read this book alone at some point. Certain points gave her some inspiration, and she became aware of some of her subconsciousness, which caused a little change in her heart. change. The reason why it is emphasized that she is reading alone is because this state is very safe. Only when she is safe can she dare to reflect, and the resulting insights will not damage her narcissism.

Hypnosis master Erickson has a famous saying: Protect the visitor's face at all costs.