Wen/Nishang

The last article, "My son threw a parabolic object at high altitude and refused to change, but his mother beat him with a ruler! After the release of "Emotional Education without Persuasion", many readers left a message below saying that they felt that their mother was right, and the children still had to fight, so they wouldn't remember long if they didn't.

Some people say that the reason why the child didn't fight last time was because the mother didn't fight hard enough.

Indeed, if the mother hits harder, maybe the child will be impressed by it and never dare to make this mistake again. However, behind this deep impression, parents and children are more likely to pay a huge price for it.

1

Everyone is aggressive, even young children.

because aggression is a manifestation of vitality.

But for the weak children, when they are beaten, they can't express their anger and confront the adults, so they can only turn around and attack themselves.

When an adult hits a child because of something unsatisfactory, it means telling him, "You made this mistake, you might as well die!"

If a child grows up in this environment for many years and encounters a big setback, he may think, "I might as well die!" "

On September 17th, a 14-year-old boy from Jiangxia District of Wuhan jumped from the teaching building and died after being slapped in public by his mother who came in a hurry because he was playing poker at school.

Wu Zhihong said:

This is a subconscious level of information transmission.

For children, that deep sense of shame is often a fatal pain and blow. Especially those adolescents with strong self-esteem. If the child can express his anger at this time, he may beat his mother desperately.

2

The power of the subconscious is very powerful

The subconscious always manipulates people's behavior unconsciously. Many instinctive reactions, thinking and behavior patterns of human beings are the result of subconscious action.

Psychologist Jung famously said, "Your subconscious is controlling your life, but you call it fate."

Because the subconscious mind has no concepts of time, object and space, it affects a person's behavior mode all the time. This is the source of psychological trauma. The so-called trauma refers to negative events that exceed self-tolerance.

In the face of such negative events as being beaten, children will react in three ways: resisting, running away and being stiff.

But in many cases, children are not allowed to resist and even have no way to escape. Therefore, they can only be in the third reaction state-stupor.

being petrified is learned helplessness's performance. The child felt that it was useless to resist and run away, only to be next to each other.

In a state of stupor, children close their minds and isolate their feelings, which is an escape from reality. Because the reality is too painful and helpless, there is no escape.

Therefore, if children are often in this helpless state, they will develop this psychological defense mechanism in order to protect themselves.

Although the pain was temporarily isolated, the child became numb and lost the ability to feel and perceive. This will lead him to treat himself, others and the whole outside world unconsciously in an inappropriate way in his future life.

3

Why do you get immediate results when you hit a child in many cases?

In fact, this effect is because children succumb to the violence of their parents, but they may not really realize their mistakes.

The reason why children avoid this kind of behavior later is because they are afraid of being beaten, which is a manifestation of avoiding pain.

Do you want your child to succumb to violence because of escape? If so, he is likely to become timid, cowardly and cringe in the future, and only recognize the strong and weak.

when they face people who are stronger than themselves, they will also give in to others. At the same time, they may bully the weak and become a bully.

Children who are often scolded by their parents are also prone to self-denial, lack of self-confidence and self-worth.

If children are not aware enough, it is very likely that they don't have a clear standard of right and wrong in their own minds, but they just think that "if parents hit themselves, they will have serious problems". If his parents don't beat and scold him for doing something, he may feel that there is no problem and will continue to do it.

this is a manifestation of heteronomy, relying on external forces to interfere in one's own behavior and live according to other people's standards and requirements.

when his own standards conflict with the requirements of the outside world, he either suppresses his ideas to cater to the outside world, or obeys on the surface and resists secretly. For example, doing the same thing secretly without adults.

If a child's behavior is controlled by his parents' force in this way, it will be extended to be controlled by other more powerful people around him when he grows up. He will succumb to authority and the strong, and whoever thinks is stronger, more powerful and more authoritative will have the final say.

In this way, the child is not based on his own inner judgment, but internalizes the right and wrong standards told by his parents or authorities into his own standards. However, his own inner judgment and feelings were ignored. Over time, children lose themselves.

Of course, young children have no judgment, and they need their parents to properly check on matters of principle. However, the purpose of this check is ultimately to enable children to check themselves.

Therefore, I suggest that parents should establish their children's awareness of rules from an early age, so that children can realize their own problems from the depths of their hearts, so as to truly solve the root causes of the problems.

4

Only parents who have no inner strength can constantly control their children by using external forces.

If parents feel insecure and face their children's unsatisfactory performance, they will feel seriously out of control, which makes them feel frustrated and angry. Therefore, it is easy for them to lose control of their emotions and beat and scold their children.

Parents' frustration often comes from childhood trauma. They were severely disciplined or scolded by their parents in their childhood, and their children's behavior inspired their sense of shame and anger in childhood, which in turn attacked their children.

This is because they didn't feel safe enough in childhood, hoping to grab a sense of control from their children. If they can't catch it, they will have a strong sense of frustration and anger, so they will beat and scold their children.

And their beating and cursing will make children feel insecure, leaving all kinds of "beating and cursing sequelae". Therefore, this "education" mode of beating and cursing has been passed down from generation to generation.

They think that beating and cursing is a reasonable education because their own parents used to treat them like this.

It is precisely because they have no other frame of reference that they instinctively agree with their parents' behavior and firmly believe that their actions are correct.

hitting people is a risky game. If parents are emotionally unstable or even out of control when hitting their children, and they don't have a good sense of proportion, it may also lead to the tragedy of accidentally injuring or maiming their children or even killing them.

no matter what your purpose is, beating and scolding children is not a good way of education. Beating a child not only hurts the child physically, but also hurts the child psychologically. Therefore, parents should think twice before hitting their children!