"Parents who can communicate with their children for more than half an hour every day in our class should raise their hands."
Brush, brush, lift a piece.
The teacher asked again, "Do you all know who your child's best friend is? What's bothering him recently? What does he want to do most? "
Most people put their hands down.
The teacher glanced at his parents and said earnestly, "Speaking doesn't necessarily mean communication!" "
The teacher's words are quite meaningful. Although communication is a process of giving or exchanging information, on the surface, it is similar to conversation, but there are many differences after careful study.
Most of us spend most of our time talking to others and listening to others every day. However, this does not mean that we are great communicators.
Good communication is like clearing the pipeline between heart and heart, exchanging needed goods, actively and smoothly.
In real life, we all like to communicate with people who attend meetings. Talking to them will make people feel comfortable, there is no pressure, and working with them will be more efficient and more United. They have a strong affinity, which makes people unconsciously more willing to speak their minds.
They themselves enjoy the most pleasant interpersonal relationships. They have strong friendship, romantic interpersonal relationship and family relationship, and they can get along better with their colleagues. They are the most popular employees in various companies and the most successful people!
So, how can we become a person who can communicate?
The contents of the book are detailed and informative, so I only extract what I think is important to share with you. Interested readers can have a look at the whole book, and I believe it will definitely benefit you a lot.
First, the reasons for communication failure
We all know that there are two ways of communication: verbal communication and nonverbal communication. That is to say, in addition to language, similar sounds, personal distance (involving vision, smell and touch) and body language are all means of communication. With so many forms of expression, why is it so difficult to communicate?
The goal of communication is to let the receiver answer the information with the sender's intention.
It's simple to say, but it's not easy to implement. Each of us has different experiences, goals, ideas, feelings, emotions and attitudes, which creates obstacles to good communication. The main reasons for these obstacles are as follows:
Physical barriers, emotional barriers, language and cultural barriers, as well as recipients and feedback.
Feedback is the receiver's reaction to information. Senders rely on feedback to understand how recipients understand their information. There are many forms of feedback, which consist of words ("I know" and "I don't know"), modal particles (hum, oh) or behaviors (nodding, smiling and waving).
Not surprisingly, communication is generally smooth, but when internal feelings conflict with external expressions, obstacles will naturally arise. For example, we have conflicts with our friends because of disagreement, but we don't want to affect the relationship, so we have to act nonchalant. At this time, we may misinterpret his words, or we can't think of the right words or coherent sentences for his questions. Our nonverbal communication signals will reveal more of our true feelings. Our reaction will fade, even a little indifferent, and it is more likely that we will deliberately withdraw from a certain distance ... If this happens, it will definitely affect our communication.
Therefore, an open and sincere attitude is the guarantee of smooth communication. If there are internal and external conflicts, we must recognize and accept our true feelings at this time, and let ourselves return to a rational and calm state, so that communication can proceed smoothly. Otherwise, the communication will be terminated immediately.
2. Make full use of nonverbal communication
Think back to the time when we were bored in a class. Do you often look at your watch? Do you always yawn? Do your legs always tremble? ...
Moreover, when you explain the problem to two people at the same time, one leans forward, smiles and nods constantly; The other one held his arms, frowned slightly and leaned back. Which do you think will make you want to talk more?
Yes, all the above manifestations are nonverbal signals. Non-verbal cues can provide more information than words. Especially facial expressions are a basic part of psychological activities, so that we need to make great efforts to suppress or disguise them. Correctly interpreting nonverbal signals can help us know more about the speaker-what his personality is, what he is thinking, how he feels about it and so on.
According to nonverbal feedback, it can help us observe the feelings of others. If we see that what we say causes negative feelings, then we can try to express information in different ways; If you feel that you made a mistake, causing confusion or hurting someone's feelings, you should admit your mistake and apologize. This helps to build trust and avoid conflicts. Therefore, making good use of nonverbal signals will make our communication more effective.
3. Be responsible for your feelings
We don't know how many people we have to communicate with in a day. We will show our best to people we don't know. They show a lot of impatience with people close to them. If the other party does something that makes us dissatisfied, the words of blame will blurt out. "Why do you always do this!" "Can't you be nice to me?" ……
This kind of words are everywhere, leaving a belief for the other party. You always blame him and think he is not good enough. Or he caused your own problems or negative emotions. All these have done great harm to communication.
Dale Carnegie once said, "Anger is a pigeon. If it goes, it will fly back!" "Accusation will only be quick, but it won't solve any problems.
Therefore, if you want to communicate smoothly, you must manage your emotions. This is respect for each other and a prerequisite for communication.
The solution is simple. Change the word "you" to begin with "I" or "I think". For example, "you didn't call me when you got home, which worried me." Turning your focus from "you" to "me" shows that you are beginning to be responsible for your feelings. Without blame, with respect and understanding, communication is naturally smooth.
4. Be an active listener
Communication is two-way. When one side speaks, the other side needs to listen actively.
Active listening means understanding and paying close attention to what the other person is saying.
Active listening is a psychological process, which requires three skills: encouragement, listening and response.
1. Encourage
To be a good listener, we must learn to encourage each other appropriately. Only in this way can we show that we are willing to listen. Different ways can encourage the other person to continue thinking in different ways.
The best way is to ask each other an open question. For example, "What occupation are you interested in?" Closed-ended questions have only one or two fixed answers, such as "Have you chosen a career?" Comparing the two, we will find that open-ended questions allow multiple answers, which will obviously stimulate the speaker's desire to tell. There are also things like keeping silent, leaning forward, nodding and smiling, all of which can play the same role.
pay attention to
We have all had similar experiences. If the other party doesn't listen to us carefully, we will feel sad and lost. Therefore, listening attentively to each other is a respect for each other and a necessary condition for smooth communication. Of course, concentration cannot be achieved overnight. If there are difficulties, we can relate what we have said to our previous experience when listening. If we are interested, we will certainly be more willing to listen.
In addition, pay attention to a trap when listening-don't be overwhelmed by our own ideas. Because thinking is much faster than speaking, we often think about what we will say next before others finish. Once the mind is occupied by its own thoughts, it will not pay attention to what the other party is saying. Think about it. If we are talking, we will feel very uncomfortable in the face of the listener's reaction.
respond
That is, giving constructive feedback. Avoid judging, criticizing or weakening the speaker's emotions. For example, "What's the big deal?" Also be careful not to lead the topic to yourself, such as "this reminds me of my time", which will weaken the speaker's desire to speak.
The key to coping well is to use "interpretation" and "reflection" well. Interpretation refers to the restatement of the substantive content of information, while reflection refers to the restatement of the emotional content of information. These two show that you listen to each other, you accept each other and attach importance to each other. The specific way is to combine the two, such as "it sounds like you feel (the emotional content of the information), which is because (the substantive content of the information)".
Of course, to be a master of communication, you need to do more than what I wrote. Psychological skills, cultural accomplishment, interpersonal relationship, expressive ability, personality charm … these are the basic requirements. However, if you can do the points mentioned in the article, I believe that even if you can't be a master, you can at least be regarded as a person who can communicate! At the end of the article, I gave Roosevelt a famous saying:
"One of the most important factors in the success equation is knowing how to get along with people."
-statesman theodore roosevelt.