1, "People who have no friends are not as good as themselves", "No common goals, no common goals".
Confucius' sentence "People who have no friends are not as good as themselves" (Xueji) has different interpretations. Don't make friends with people who are not as good as yourself. This contradicts Confucius' overall thought and seems inappropriate. The motto of "not as good as oneself" here is better than "not as good as oneself", which means "different from oneself", similar to what Confucius said "different from one's own way and not seeking common ground" (Wei Linggong). Confucius pays attention to "like-minded" in choosing friends, and friends should "have the same interests and seek common ground while reserving differences", which is determined by the purpose of making friends. Confucius looked down on those who pursued material interests, food and wealth. He said, "It is not enough to discuss those who are ambitious and ashamed of food and clothing." ("Li Ren")
2, if you get it, you will have three friends, and if you lose it, you will have three friends.
There are two kinds of friends: "loss" and "gain". Confucius advocated making friends with benefits. As the old saying goes, it is pale when it is dyed, and yellow when it is dyed; Those who are close to ink are black, and those who are close to ink are black. It can be seen that the result of making friends with gentlemen or villains is different. If you benefit from the former, you will suffer from the latter. You shouldn't be careless when choosing friends. So, what is a "good friend" and what is a bad friend?
"Confucius said,' The winner has three friends, and the loser has three friends. Friends are frank, friends forgive and friends listen more, which is beneficial. Friends will be broken and friends will be destroyed. ""("seasonality") This is mainly to distinguish gains and losses from personal qualities. Three kinds of good friends refer to: honest people; A trustworthy person; A well-informed person. Three kinds of bad friends refer to: people who are used to decorating their appearance but have no sincerity in their hearts; A gentle person who tries to please, a glib person. Confucius hated those who were respectful in appearance and hypocritical in behavior. He said angrily: "Clever words, graceful demeanor, full respect, Zuo Qiuming's shame, autumn's shame, hiding resentment and making friends, Zuo Qiuming's shame, autumn's shame." ("Governor") Confucius made friends and became more and more knowledgeable.
3. "Listen to what he says and watch what he does" is a way for Confucius to understand people and choose his friends. Confucius disciples are full of praise and good words. After listening to his words, Confucius felt that he was ambitious and diligent. But later Confucius found that he slept during the day and was very angry. He thinks that it is wrong to "listen to what he says and do what he does" (the public governor), and change it to "listen to what he says and do what he does". Confucius wanted to know something deeper by observing his words and deeds in an all-round way: motivation, thought and quality. He said, "Look at what it is, what it is, it is safe. People are embarrassed, people are embarrassed! " (Politics) That is to say, if you know a person's motives, the road he takes and what he is satisfied with, you will really know the person and will not be confused by superficial phenomena. The evaluation of people should be based on observation, not conformity. Confucius said, "All evils must be investigated; If everyone is good, they will be inspected. " (Wei Linggong) That's what it means.
Third, Confucius' principle of making friends.
1, Renyi
Confucius took "righteousness" as his code of conduct. He said: "The gentleman is also in the world, but there is no comfort, no Mo Ye, and the comparison of righteousness is also."
Confucius said: "A gentleman takes righteousness as his quality, courtesy as his conduct, inferiority as his conduct and faith as his success". (Wei Linggong) Benevolence is the foundation of righteousness, and righteousness is the festival of benevolence. (See Li Yun) "Love is called benevolence, reason is called righteousness, and ceremony is called love." Benevolence and righteousness are inseparable.
The Analects of Confucius contains Confucius' words and deeds about his friends. "When a friend dies with nothing in return, say," This is my funeral. Friends' feed, though horses and chariots, is not a sacrifice of meat. "A friend will die and have nowhere to go. Confucius welcomed the family and said generously, "Live here if you are sick, and stay here if you are dead!"! "I have done my best to my friends, show extremely forbearance, which is by no means comparable to Ren Xia's later generations with lofty ideals. Friends mean to make money, so I don't have to worship horses and chariots, but I must worship the sacrifice of meat. This is Confucius' respect for his friends' ancestors to show that he is the same as his own relatives.
Confucius regards benevolence and righteousness as the value orientation of life, and pays attention to his own personality value and spiritual pursuit in his contacts with friends. A gentleman "seeks Tao without seeking food" and holds a contemptuous attitude towards "those who take Tao as their purpose and are ashamed of bad clothes and food". He thinks: "Gentleman's righteousness" ("Yang Huo") "Gentleman's righteousness, villain's benefit". ("Li Ren") The desire for profit will often destroy the ambition of some people to seek truth and keep righteousness. To make friends with others, you should not be greedy for petty gain, lose your principles for profit, and harm others for personal gain. Friends don't haggle over every ounce, and they don't just care about Nuo Nuo, but they mean "seriously care" and keep their responsibilities and goodwill.
Step 2 be loyal
"Zi teaches four things: writing, honesty, faithfulness and faithfulness" (Statement II) refers to a person's honest and all-out mentality, which Confucius regards as the foundation of his life and repeatedly emphasizes that people should be "loyal to the monarch" (Zi Han).
Letter. It's about faith and getting along with friends. Confucius put more emphasis on faith. Honesty is one of the five virtues of benevolence.
Confucius regards "faith" as the foundation of a person's existence, and "people cannot stand without faith", emphasizing the role of "faith" in interpersonal relationships. "People don't believe, don't know it can also, cart? If you don't have a car, why should you do it? " Although human society is bound by legal contracts and moral customs, if people don't trust each other, all people can't move forward. If you want to believe in yourself, you must first believe in yourself, do things honestly and keep your word. Ceng Zi put "Don't trust friends?" As an important content of a gentleman's "taking care of himself three times a day", Xia Zi also believes that "keeping faith with friends" (from "Learning from Time").
Confucius once stated his ambition, "May the old people be safe, friends trust, and young people be pregnant" ("Governor"). He is eager to establish good interpersonal relationships between people and hopes that he can gain the trust of his friends. Naturally, this is based on Confucius' trustworthiness and trust in his friends.
Although faith is a virtue, we should also pay attention to the specific situation when maintaining faith. If it is not just, we will not follow it. We should not keep small confidence and undermine justice. Therefore, Confucius thought that "a gentleman is faithful and unforgivable" (Wei Linggong), that is to say, a gentleman only sticks to the right path and does not stick to small letters. Words don't have to be believed, and actions don't have to be fruitful. We should take righteousness as the reference scale "the ratio of righteousness". He also said that words must be done, and actions must be fruitful.
Loyalty. The situation of "loyalty" is similar to that of "faith", and there are several types. Loyalty, which belongs to the category of political thought, is omitted here. Loyalty, as an ethical category, refers to sincerity and singleness. Such as: "Is it cheating for others?" (Xue Ji) "Loyal to people" ("Lutz") "Loyal, not teaching." (Xian Wen) "A gentleman has Jiu Si: ... He speaks faithfully ..." (Ji Shi) When dealing with people, be honest and outspoken. If you have had friends, you should "make suggestions", put yourself in the other's shoes and think selflessly. Ceng Zi summarized Confucius' way of being a man as "loyalty and forgiveness", which is the consistent general principle of Confucius in dealing with personnel.
Step 3 respect
Confucius paid great attention to his words and deeds when making friends to conform to etiquette. This is a sign of respect, reflecting his feelings and respect for his friends. Respect is also a way of "benevolence". Confucius replied to his disciple Wen Ren: "Be respectful in life, respectful in work and loyal to others" (Luz). Confucius said, "When you go out, you will meet a big guest, so that the people can enjoy a big sacrifice." ("Yan Yuan") People are kind-hearted, love others warmly, but respect others. Courtesy is mainly honorific. With all due respect, there is no such thing as external strength and internal weakness. When Zhang Zi asked about the trip, Confucius said, "Faithfulness and respect." (Wei Linggong) Although a friend means "being a good person". "Be sincere", but be honest with each other. Zi Gong asked a friend about Confucius, and Confucius said, "You are good at this. If you can't stop, don't bring disgrace to oneself. " (Yan Yuan) Teaching is out of loyalty, but advice when most needed is least heeded. If you don't listen, you shouldn't be forced to hurt your friends' self-esteem and bring shame to yourself, but look for another opportunity. However, "respect" is by no means blindly echoing and flattering, but always maintaining respect when getting along with friends, and at the same time being measured when treating friends. "The number of friends is scarce." (Liren), if you show off too much and treat your friends too lightly, you will feel bored. Of course, this does not mean that it is necessary for friends to keep a certain distance, respect each other's personality and give each other a certain degree of freedom. Confucius admired Yan Ying's way of making friends, saying that he was "good at making friends for a long time without losing respect", and thought it was not easy to make friends with people who did not have great sincerity and self-restraint.
Respect is by no means a superficial ceremony, but a natural expression of sincere love from the heart. Confucius himself attached great importance to the combination of manners and etiquette to show his respect, and there were many descriptions in the "Xiang Dang".
When Confucius traveled around the world, he took the name of "Doctor Qing". When he sends envoys to greet friendly people, he will send them away again, just as he did to the people he greeted. Dr. Lu Ji Kangzi sent medicine to meet Confucius, who worshipped him and explained to the messenger that "you can't taste until you reach the mountain." (Xiang Dang) Modesty and sincerity are admirable.
Xia Zi put it well: "A gentleman is respectful, and all men are brothers within the four seas. Why do you suffer from having no brothers? "
It is easy to get friends with respect and courtesy. Be respectful and decent. It is hard to be respectful and rude, and it is safe to be respectful and polite.
4, and
A Confucius said, "Harmony is the most important thing, and Wang Zhidao is the first beauty;" Small and big. If you can't do it, then knowing and combining is not feasible, not polite. "Confucianism attaches importance to the harmony of interpersonal relationships and believes that the use of courtesy is valuable in harmony. Ceremony is beautiful, harmony is precious, but this "harmony" must be "ceremony". According to the boundaries between different classes, use "and" respectively.
In dealing with the relationship between individuals and groups, Confucius also emphasized that "gentlemen are harmonious but different, and villains are the same but not harmonious." ("Luz") "A gentleman is proud and does not fight, but a group is not a party." (Wei Linggong). The old saying that a gentleman can make up, but not the same, and a villain is just the same, but not the same. He who is harmonious has no grumpy heart, and he who is harmonious has Abby's intention. The gentleman is righteous, so there are differences, and the villain is still profitable, so he can't make peace. "Harmony" is like the harmony of five flavors and five tones for music. The sound and taste are different, but they can be reconciled. And "Tong" is like saving water with water and putting out fire with fire. If you like the same thing, you will fight with each other. The latter sentence says that a gentleman is only Zhuang Jing's self-control and has no grumpy heart, so he doesn't argue with others, he is friends with Tao and takes peace as his meeting. Therefore, there must be a group without Abby's private interests, so he doesn't belong to the party. Adhere to individual autonomy and justice, while not destroying the harmony of the team, and make friends with noble personality.