Before talking about the book Non-violent Communication, let's talk about the author Dr. Marshall Luxembourg.

Dr Marshall is Jewish. When he was very young, he witnessed a violent incident that caused more than 40 casualties. Because of this, their family didn't go out for three days. After he returned to school, he was bullied and discriminated by his classmates, and even punched and kicked.

His childhood experience gave him a deep understanding of "violence", especially language. When seemingly frivolous words play an offensive role, it is also a kind of violence, but the two sides often don't know it.

Why is this? This is like the author's childhood experience. Those who tried him didn't think they were committing violence. The childhood experience has been lingering in Dr. Marshall's mind, which made him suddenly realize after many years that if a person can still maintain his awareness and care for life in adversity, it must be that he has love in his heart, and this love can be accurately expressed in words.

In the book, the author mentions the story of Etikhleschen. Edie Helsing is also a Jew. Although he was tortured inhumanely in Nazi concentration camps in Germany, he could still see the pain in the hearts of the Gestapo who guarded them.

Etienne Heleshin wrote in her diary: "I am not easily afraid. It's not that I'm brave, but that I know they are human beings, and I have to understand their behavior with my heart. This morning, the grumpy young Gestapo shouted at me. I am not angry, but I care about him. I want to ask:' Was your childhood unhappy? Did your girlfriend abandon you? He looks sad, uneasy, gloomy and weak. I wanted to help him at that time. How dangerous it is for him to be so miserable and do whatever he wants! "

This is the charm of language expression. It can be seen in a few words that even in the dark world shrouded in terror, the sun can shine in, and even in places where violence is rampant, people can have hope and courage to live.

After Dr. Marshall and the stories told in his book, let's talk about what troubles you have in interpersonal communication at present.

Our life is always inseparable from interpersonal communication. Now, maybe you're worried that your children don't take online classes seriously, and they always secretly play games online, trying to reprimand and educate their children loudly.

Maybe you have been wronged. Just now, the boss took it out on you because Party A questioned the modification.

Maybe you are in pain, and there is a little pressure on you, which makes you breathless. Looking at the husband sitting on the sofa brushing his mobile phone, you want to call names.

Perhaps, you also want your family to understand you, and you also need leaders to support you, but after these situations, what you said made the other person farther away from you.

Think carefully, is there such a moment in our life? Obviously, I want to tell my children that such behavior can neither be learned nor played well. If you blurt it out, you will alienate your child even more.

I obviously want to tell my boss that I can handle it more perfectly, but the aggrieved expression makes my boss misunderstand that I am weak and incompetent;

I clearly wanted to tell my lover that I was tired and needed his help, but in the end I caused war at home to break up in discord.

Why on earth is this? Why do inner thoughts go bad when they come out of the mouth, and even become bombs, hurting people and hurting themselves? The reason is actually very simple, that is, there is love in the heart advocated by Dr. Marshall.

Maybe you will say, love, I do. I am even willing to sacrifice myself to love my family. So, what went wrong?

This requires us to observe ourselves, which is also the charm of "non-violent communication". This book not only teaches you how to speak, but also teaches you how to dredge the stagnant love flow in your heart, let love flow in your heart, and then nourish your whole life state.

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In the preview, we briefly talked about the four elements of "nonviolent communication", namely observation, feeling, need and request.

We further understand these four factors of "nonviolent communication" through a paragraph.

Take the children who have a headache recently taking online classes for example.

For online classes, parents are most nervous about finding that their children's classes are not enough. What is our first reaction when we see that there are not enough class hours?

The child didn't go to class, so what did he do? Do you play games and chat online?

Then, the most likely thing to say is this sentence: "The teacher said that you didn't have enough online classes. Did you play games? "

In this case, the child usually responds quickly: "I didn't."

Then the conversation between mother and son was basically full of gunpowder, and the parent-child relationship was about to get out of control. What should I do?

Let's see what another mother said. In the same situation, the mother said, "The teacher said that you didn't have enough online classes. I'm worried. Have you learned this lesson? I want to know the reason. Can you tell me the reason? "

It is not difficult to see that such an inquiry will not be rejected by the child, and the next communication will be smoother.

So where are the four elements of "non-violent communication" in this mother's speech, have you found it?

In this passage:

"The teacher says you don't have enough online classes" is observation;

"I'm worried. Have you learned your lesson?" This is the feeling;

"I want to know the reason", which is the demand;

"Can you tell me why" is a request.

From this perspective, as long as you have the four factors of "non-violent communication", will conversation become more feasible? Of course, in life, you may find it unrealistic to talk like this. It doesn't matter. Let's plant a seed of "non-violent communication" in our own consciousness first, so that this seed can take root in the next week's common reading, and finally let you use it flexibly in your life and work and become a way of speaking and living.

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Comparing what the two mothers said before and after, we will find that different expressions will make each other receive very different information and feelings.

Compared with "nonviolent communication", communication that is prone to differences and conflicts is called "alienated communication mode". And that's what the first mother said.

"Alienated communication" often has four situations, namely: moral evaluation, comparison, evading responsibility, and forcing others to do something.

Moral evaluation is a negation that does not conform to our cognition, and labeling that we often say now is one of the appearances;

Comparison is the behavior of comparing with others in communication, and "other people's children" is a typical example. In communication, once there is comparison, you can't see love, only the person or thing to compare is left in your eyes;

Avoiding responsibility means avoiding one's own responsibility when communicating with others. The most typical is "have to". When these three words are in your language, it is probably the beginning of evading responsibility.

It's easy to understand. When you want the other person to do things according to your wishes, you will often emphasize your tone, and you may even say something with command meaning such as "must".

These four situations are not difficult to understand literally. Just like the four brothers, sometimes they appear in your language together, and sometimes they act alone and jump out of your mouth, but their appearance is often silent and difficult for you to detect.

For example, the teacher said that you didn't have enough online classes. Did you play games? This sentence says that children play games, which obviously contains their own subjective evaluation and hides the comparison with other children, so this paragraph is full of gunpowder.

If the flow of our inner love is a clear spring, then these four situations are impurities. Once mixed into the clear spring, love is no longer pure, or even congested.

What about the consciousness of love? In the following reading, we will take you into the observation link of "non-violent communication". Welcome to feel and learn with me.