Childhood is a special time. Every child is a pure and original world with mysterious potential and countless development possibilities. The task of education is to develop this potential and strive to protect it. Personal happiness.
Pressure and fear cannot become children's inner needs. "Being obedient" or "understanding the rules" is just an illusion. Behind it is the disorder of the child's psychological function. Therefore, experience cannot be transformed into experience, but it is. Can fundamentally damage children's mental health.
People often say, "If there are no rules, it will be impossible to make a circle." However, in children's education, it is "Too many rules will make it difficult to make a circle." Childhood is a special time. Every child is a pure and original world with mysterious potential and countless development possibilities. The task of education is to develop this potential and strive to protect personal happiness. Happiness is the greatest nutrition of life. "The reason why children and adults are happy lies entirely in their ability to use their freedom." Therefore, whether it is from the exploration of potential or the expansion of happiness, the primary task of childhood is not to "learn the rules", but to develop free will, which requires that family life must be less restrictive.
A child who is initially exposed to a world that does not allow him to be at ease but cautious is being thrown into a battle of energy consumption. His nature requires him to expand himself and explore the world, but the environment is full of restrictions and restrictions, making him cautious. He instinctively wants to obey the call of the heart, but also passively caters to the requirements of others. This makes young children overwhelmed and overwhelmed. Positive energy for growth is consumed for no reason, and the psychological order is disrupted. In serious cases, they may even be unable to complete their tasks. Self-Growth.
There is a mother with a high degree of education who is very attentive to the cultivation of her children. From intelligence to habits, from diet to behavior, every aspect must be perfect, and children must be educated with "high standards and strict requirements". And persuade the child's father, grandparents and other family members not to spoil the child, and strictly regulate all the details of the child's life, in order to cultivate the child into a talented person.
For example, after the child is two years old, she tries not to hug the child and tells the child that you are a man and cannot be squeamish. You should try to walk by yourself in the future, and you can only let your parents hold you when you are tired. But the child often acted deliberately and wanted to be hugged by his mother even though he was not tired. She firmly refused and would never compromise no matter how much the child cried. In order to cultivate children's hygiene habits and labor ability, children are required to wash the underwear they change every day starting from the age of 4. If the child doesn't want to be washed on any day, the two should be washed together the next day. The mother does not allow it and tells the child that today's things must be completed today. In order to cultivate good moral character in children, meals must be eaten at the dining table. Occasionally, when the children are hungry, the meal is ready, but the cartoon is not finished yet. The child wants to eat on the coffee table in front of the TV while watching TV, but the mother doesn't allow it. Either forcefully turn off the TV, on the grounds that you must eat during meal time and cannot multitask; or you would rather not eat and wait until the cartoon ends to reheat the cold food. No matter what, you must sit down at the table to eat this bowl of rice in an orderly manner, and while eating, you must abide by table manners, do not speak, do not spill rice grains, and do not make chewing sounds... There are many and very detailed rules like this for almost everything. There is a set of standards set by parents.
Her child is just 5 years old, has excellent intelligence, and has indeed developed many "good habits". However, slowly, the child has become more and more paranoid and will hardly accept anything that changes slightly. Or things that are not common sense. For example, one time, his grandma washed the grapes and handed him a small bunch. During the process of picking them, one of them fell off and rolled to the ground. He refused and asked her to put the grapes back on the bunch. Grandma said, "Take it." If he doesn't go back, he will cry so much that he won't let him go, and he won't be able to give him another string. No matter how hard he said it, it was useless. He could only end his unreasonable trouble with a beating. Another example is that his grandfather picks him up from kindergarten and takes the same road every day. One day, his mother drives to pick him up and wants to take a detour to the supermarket to buy something. He doesn't allow it, saying that he can only take that road home and not other roads. . His mother refused to listen to him and drove the car to the supermarket. He cried and refused to get out of the car, demanding that his mother return to the entrance of the kindergarten and take the original route home... In short, there were many similar unreasonable behaviors.
The kindergarten teacher reported that although the child is very smart, he is very withdrawn and unsociable. He rarely smiles once a day. He always looks indifferent and does not know how to play with children. He always gets into conflicts within a few minutes of playing. In the end, he just I can hide in a corner and play something alone. The teacher even carefully reminded parents whether they should take their children to see a psychologist.
For a child who is only 5 years old, his natural human nature has been suppressed from the beginning, and the rules and regulations have begun to squeeze his psychology out of shape. Cooperation, worship of "rules", rebellion and indifference, etc. are almost inevitable symptoms. If parents are not alert to this and continue to "standardize" it, the consequences will be really worrying.
British educator A.S. Neal believes: "Strict family laws are castration of a sound mind, and even castration of life itself. A submissive child will not grow into a real person; Children who are punished for masturbation will not be able to achieve a high level of sexual pleasure in the future. "Facing young children, if parents cannot first think of how to give their children freedom, but how to regulate their children, especially in some insignificant details of life. If the child puts forward various rules and requirements, large and small, and often criticizes and punishes the child for failing to achieve these goals or comply with these rules, then it is almost impossible for him to raise a healthy child. Creating a stereotype, an inferiority complex, and a bigot.
Society rarely gives too much preference to stereotypes and bigots. What society is willing to tolerate is people's tolerance and flexibility. Therefore, the more tolerant and adaptable people are, the easier it is for them to become the mainstream of society.
Austrian psychologist A. Adler believes that the healthier and closer a person is to normal, the more likely he is to find a new way out when his efforts are blocked in a particular direction. Only a neurotic would think that the specific manifestation of his goal is: "I must do this, otherwise I will have no way out." If a child has received strict family rules since childhood, and his free will has atrophied early, then you can Do you expect him to face the world with tolerance and flexibility?
Nowadays, parents are becoming more and more educated and attach great importance to their children’s education. But the strange thing is that many parents are like the mother above. Their education and good social status do not allow them to have a better understanding of children's education. Instead, they suppress the primitive instincts in their bodies. When facing children, they are slow to feel, lacking both the intuition of maternal love and the consideration and cultivation after civilization evolution. They copy some specious things and regard "setting rules" as education, which puts the cart before the horse.
Childhood is both strong and fragile. A person's childhood can be poor in material life, but cannot be miserable in spiritual life. Material poverty can temper people's will to a certain extent, while mental depression can only distort a healthy psychology. If parents are too strong in front of their children, and the children have to follow the rules set by the parents in everything, then the more serious the parents are, the more completely they will deprive the children of their free will, and the more serious the mental damage will be to the children - Why do so many "ADHD" , "autistic" children come from families with high education, high income, and strict requirements. The answer is often here.
The philosopher Fromm said, "The opposite of education is control." However, in reality, too many people regard control as education. If someone told him not to set too many rules for his children and to let them grow up freely, he would immediately retort and say, is it okay not to set rules for children? Does he just do whatever he wants? If he hits someone, steals something, or urinates anywhere, don't you care? The logic of words of people who hold such extreme thinking is overwhelming. In their view, "human beings are inherently good by nature" is nonsense, so they can only understand it this way. Children do not know how high the sky is and how high they are. A dyeing workshop should be strictly controlled, otherwise it would be irresponsible.
Avoiding restricting children with trivial rules and allowing children to do bad things are two completely different things.
Just as a boss fully empowers his subordinates and gives them full freedom to make decisions at work, it has nothing to do with him allowing his subordinates to do things that are illegal or harmful to the company. Discourse in the field of humanities and social sciences focuses on understanding, without arguing or going to extremes. All discussions must be based on the same basic concepts and the similarity of basic values, otherwise the meaning of the discussion will be lost.
On this issue, I often encounter some mild objections, such as, children cannot be completely unruly, appropriate rules are still needed. Such a rebuttal may seem objective and rational, but it is also meaningless. The fact is that no one said that children should have no rules at all, and no one would think that not setting rules for children means that they don’t even need "proper rules." Extreme thinking and vulgar thinking are both manifestations of a lack of thinking ability. The external cause behind it is often that these people have experienced too many "rules" since childhood, resulting in narrow thinking.
I have never seen a beautiful and gentle education, and I have lost the ability to understand another natural person with the most natural heart. I do not believe that a person's spontaneous choice will be good. Distrust of human nature is often the fundamental reason why some people cannot cross the threshold of "setting rules." Therefore, when faced with a specific child, especially when faced with a child's fault, I don't know if there are any other methods apart from punishment.
In 2013, I accidentally saw a TV show from China's mainstream media - "Supernanny" and "Nanny 911", which are family education TV series introduced to my country from Europe and the United States. It seems that this program is very popular abroad, otherwise China's mainstream TV stations would not spend a lot of money to introduce it. But television like this is really misleading.
Almost every episode follows this routine: The child is disobedient, and the parents have no choice but to hire a "super nanny" to help solve the problem. "Super nannies" seem to be full of confidence, but their various methods boil down to one thing: setting rules and then using the rules to discipline the child until the child is conquered.
For example, if a child doesn't want to go to bed on time, force him into the house, take away all the toys in the house, close the door, and let the child cry until he falls asleep. If the child doesn't want to share toys with others, use an alarm clock to set the time. Everyone plays for an equal amount of time and must stop when the time is up. The little girl doesn't want to wear red pants, no, she must wear red if her parents tell her to wear red. If she doesn't wear it, she will be punished by sitting on the bench until she obeys... All the logic is: as long as the child disobeys the parents, it is wrong, parents I get a headache from my child just because I didn’t set rules for my child. Setting rules is the nanny's magic weapon. If you don't obey, you will be punished coldly and violently. If you obey, you will be given some low-end rewards, such as a lollipop. The nanny's method is indeed "nanny level". On the surface, they are doing slightly better than those parents who cruelly stuff chili sauce into their children's mouths out of anger. Their violence is more subtle, but their callousness is exactly the same. They are not much better than those dizzy parents. Children are just circus monkeys in the hands of super nannies. Once they are under control, they are ready. As for how to care for the child's emotional needs, promote the child to learn friendship and tolerance, and encourage the child's personality development, that does not need to be considered.
Pressure and fear cannot become children's inner needs. The "obedience" or "understanding of rules" created by such nanny methods is just an illusion. Behind it is the disorder of the child's psychological function. Painful experiences cannot be transformed into experience, but they can fundamentally damage children's mental health.
Although the TV series has a god-like conclusion or "result" in each episode, we can definitely judge that it will only have a superficial effect for a few days at most. If it has a long-term "educational effect", it is that it can cultivate paranoia and hard-heartedness. Of course, I believe that the original intention of TV production and the original intention of introducing it are not subjectively malicious in terms of education, but the misleading it brings to people is enough to be classified as evil.
Freedom is the soil where rules exist, and only free children can become conscious children. Free will is about breaking the blind worship of rules. Leif, a famous American teacher, believes: "If we want our children to reach the same level, we must teach them to understand the rules and look beyond them, and not be limited by the class rules on the classroom wall.
Sometimes in life there are no rules, and more importantly, sometimes the rules are simply wrong. "Adults can present rules to children, but they cannot force children to implement them. If there are any rules that require children to obey and cooperate, you must find a way to use reasonable methods to let the children see the beauty of the rules and accept them with sincerity. In rules education, parents' role model and tolerance are far more effective than coercion in making children learn to obey the rules.
“A child’s potential for love, potential for happiness, potential for the use of reason, and more special potentials like artistic talent.
They are seeds that, if given the right soil, will grow and manifest; without these conditions, they suffocate and die. One of the most important of these conditions is that those who play an important role in the child's life trust these potential possibilities. The existence of this belief creates a difference between education and control. "Although every child will be "disobedient" and even destructive in certain things at a certain stage out of ignorance and naughtiness, especially boys, who are more willing to explore and challenge, and appear to be "disobedient" and even destructive. But a simple child Children never have a bottom line. As long as they are mentally healthy and have no ill intentions toward people or things, they will not be overly provocative. As they grow older, they will naturally become more accustomed to good habits and behave appropriately. Many elite people recall their childhood. , climbing trees to dig out bird's nests, going to the fields to steal watermelons, not washing their faces for three days, fighting, etc. All these "bad behaviors" are interesting childhood memories, but they have no impact on their moral outlook and behavioral abilities as adults. .
There is a word that misleads people nowadays: "spoiling". The meaning of the word makes many people mistakenly think that if they want to educate their children well, they need to love less, set more rules, be stricter, and be more materialistic. Especially when something happens to a child from a better-off family, people almost always say that the child was "spoiled"
The fact is that throughout the ages, it is true. Families at any economic level or social level may have gangsters. The emergence of gangsters is not necessarily related to family background, but it is more eye-catching for children from good family backgrounds and children from poor families. How well they grow up depends on whether they grow up well or not. It’s not about whether parents are generous in material terms, but whether they are fully spiritually generous. Children are ignorant of the external material world, but are extremely sensitive to their own emotional perceptions. Having more or less material things is not a problem, but spiritual poverty will. Children suffer psychological damage. The amount of money a parent spends on his children has nothing to do with how much he loves them. The fact is that many parents with good economic conditions are unable to satisfy their children spiritually and emotionally, so they use excessive material gifts to compensate and cover up. It is understood that spending more means loving more, but this is just a vulgar idea and an illusion of love. Who doesn't know that it is always easier to provide material enjoyment than spiritual enjoyment, especially for parents who are financially well-off.
< p> If we must say that excessive spending is also a kind of love, this kind of "coddling" is only material doting. This is not the need of the child, but the need of the parents. What the children want is "spiritual doting", which is the best that the parents can give. High-quality parental love. This kind of love is not made up of a lot of material things, but composed of sufficient relationship, deep affection, free atmosphere, good examples, etc. Among them, setting few rules is the guarantee. Freedom is one of the important ways to improve the quality of love. Having a materially rich childhood is not a bad thing, but having a psychologically rich childhood is the greatest luxury in life. < /p>There are thousands of details in life. No one can list or classify all situations as to what rules should be given to children and how to grasp them. Many things need to be understood by oneself.
My point of view is that "obeying the rules" hardly needs to be emphasized in early childhood. The younger the child, the less likely it is that you should set rules for him. The fewer rules in the entire family life, the better. If there are any requirements, just tell the child and set an example, and at the same time find a way to make the child accept it happily. There is no need to make things unpleasant with the child all day long just for the sake of "rules". Above the bottom line of morality and safety, children can be allowed to do almost anything they want. Don't worry about him getting into some minor troubles, don't be afraid that he doesn't do enough, and don't blame him for his unintentional mistakes. Not restricting and suppressing children everywhere in daily life will at least provide children with normal mental growth conditions. For children with normal mental development, all experiences, whether successful or unsuccessful, good or bad, will be deposited into positive experiences.
In our culture, "rules" are too deeply rooted in people's hearts, and "freedom" is too new. This is why "there are too many rules and it's hard to make it right" is still difficult to accept, because it is far from the common sense of many people.
It seems necessary to evaluate each "rule" in isolation.
But do children really need so many rules? Are those rules appropriate for children? "Children who grow up under wrong discipline become slaves to irrelevant habits and etiquette, accepting many foolish customs without hesitation." The wisdom and abilities in life that they really need to learn cannot be acquired.