7 psychology of love and marriage, let you understand the logic and make your happiness more mellow and lasting!
1. Law of diminishing happiness
The law of declining happiness means that the happiness people feel about the same thing will be reduced because of the improvement of external environment or material conditions.
For example, you are in the desert, your mouth is thirsty, and you go to great lengths to find water. When you drink the first glass of water, you fly with joy. After drinking the first cup, you think the water is sweet and delicious. When you drink the second cup, you will feel that the water is very cold. After drinking the third and fourth cups, I felt bloated. If you drink any more, you will feel uncomfortable.
The original sweet life-saving water has become a burden after drinking too much.
Emotionally, the same is true.
At first, two people together, eating the worst food, wearing cheap goods and wearing straw rings, will feel extremely happy. But when people reach middle age, even if I buy you more gold and silver jewelry, it can't compare with the happiness that the straw ring brought you.
What? Marriage is the grave of love? What you can't get is the best? Things are rare? These famous sayings are actually just? Law of diminishing happiness? It's working
The way to control the law of declining marital happiness is to appreciate each other more and explore each other's advantages.
If you are in the itch of seven years of marriage, or you are tired with your lover, then think about whether the other person has really changed or the law of diminishing happiness is at work.
If the law of diminishing happiness is at work, you can try the following steps:
1. Treat yourself fairly and without emotion.
2. Think from the other person's perspective.
Communicate to find problems
4. Give each other a positive evaluation
5. Find the good side from each other's shortcomings.
6. Make rules and abide by them, * * * and make progress.
2. Lever principle
The principle of lever is to put two things with different weights on the lever, and their weight is inversely proportional to the distance from their suspension point to the fulcrum, so that they can be in a balanced state.
Generally speaking, if we want to achieve balance, we must find a reasonable fulcrum.
Marriage also needs this fulcrum. And the fulcrum that supports marriage is happiness. The fulcrum of marital happiness is not a major event, but a little bit of care and consideration accumulated in life.
In Stephen? Dr. Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" has such a fragment:
A friend asked Dr. Covey, I don't love my wife. What should I do? ?
Dr covey said:? Then love her! ?
The friend said:? You don't understand, I said I don't love her anymore! ?
Dr covey said:? Then love! Love is an action, not a feeling! ?
Many people, like the friends who ask questions in the book, think that love is a feeling rather than an act.
In fact, love is embodied and expressed in some behaviors. You express your love, and the other person accepts it and returns it to you. The feeling of love is born from this.
The principle of leverage tells us that if we want to get happiness in marriage, we must learn to keep balance, that is, find the fulcrum of happiness.
How to achieve balance?
1. Take care of yourself: don't ask the other person for a saint, but treat yourself with a bitch's request.
2. Learn to give: No matter how long you love, don't be stingy with emotion, material and time. Giving will not only make each other happy, but also satisfy themselves.
3. Keep in step: If the other person flies too fast and you stay put, even if the other person doesn't want to, you will be eliminated.
4. Always say sweet words or express feelings: expressing your feelings properly will not only make the other person happy, but also make yourself richer and more delicate!
5. Learn to be silent: When contradictions intensify, you must learn to be silent. Don't communicate nonviolent until your emotions calm down.
3. Maslow's hierarchy needs
Maslow's demand theory points out that respect is a kind of demand, including personal feelings of self-worth and others' recognition and respect for themselves.
Maslow's hierarchical needs are reflected in intimate relationships.
Many couples, together for a long time, have no respect. Scold my lover in front of many people and lose face at all. I even feel like an old couple, and I don't want any face.
Some people even laugh at their lover's shortcomings every day, and even quarrel? Flirting? In the name of ...
Finally divorced, still innocent.
Between husband and wife, we must learn to respect and regard respect as the most basic way to get along.
So how to respect it?
1. Don't compare yourself with others.
2. Don't get angry at will
Don't make fun of each other's shortcomings, and don't scold your lover in front of others.
4. Don't tell each other about their work and social life. You can make suggestions, but you finally decide to do it for each other.
5. Hedgehog Rule
The rule of hedgehog is that hedgehogs try to keep warm many times and then find a distance that can keep warm without hurting each other.
What does the hedgehog rule emphasize in our interpersonal communication? Psychological distance effect. ?
Everyone's concept, culture and personality are different, so everyone's attitude towards life and communication style are different.
So some people will say? Distance makes beauty? !
This is especially true for intimate relationships.
But now many couples demand absolute honesty from each other. Not only should we meet naked physically, but we should also not keep secrets in our hearts.
But human nature, how can we survive without ourselves?
San Mao said:? There are many rooms in my heart, and Jose just comes in. ?
But many people don't understand that it is necessary for a lover to be absolutely honest with himself, so many feelings don't come out alive from the other person's mobile phone.
No matter what the relationship is, it needs privacy and space. Otherwise, even if the other person is absolutely honest with you, you will be bored in a few years. Because after seeing through something, it is not attractive to you, and neither is your lover.
Hedgehog's rule is to keep a certain distance from your lover, but on the basis of this distance, you must pay your own attention and let the other person feel warm.
6. Romeo and Juliet effect
Romeo and Juliet effect is equal to a relationship, and the more obstacles you encounter, the stronger the relationship will be.
I have a friend with a very good family condition. She is an only child and looks like Fan Bingbing. As a result, he was chased by gangsters as soon as he graduated from high school. Parents beat mandarin ducks like crazy. But my friend thought he had met true love, and later gave birth to a child behind his parents' backs and with gangsters.
After giving birth, the gangsters stopped working, so they just hung out all day and did unprofessional things. As a result, I was caught/left because of online/gambling/gambling.
Friends have to go back to their parents. Looking at the once beautiful daughter, now she has become a haggard abandoned wife, and her angry hair is half white.
In fact, parents should not divide too much at that time, and my friend may give up after a fresh period; If my friend can also think about whether he was beaten by his parents, his feelings deepened and he fell into the Romeo and Juliet effect, the result would be different.
Perhaps in the eyes of children, parents' love is old-fashioned and marriage is not romantic. But conservative parents don't mean they don't understand human nature and life. Their opposition must be their reason, and their consideration is longer than mine. Therefore, in the case that experienced couples are not accepted by their parents, it is appropriate to separate a little distance and take a little time to see each other's quality before deciding the later choice.
How to see a person clearly?
1. Look at his performance when his interests are damaged: for example, it is not advisable for you to say that he is too calm and excited. Too calm, either he cares or he has a purpose; People who are too excited are either too naive or too self-centered.
2. Look at the friends around him: Birds of a feather flock together, people are divided into groups, and you can tell who he is by contact.
3. See where he spends his time: people who like to learn and study new things will be rich in the future; Those who like games and entertainment must not make progress; If you like dressing up, you won't lack huahuachangzi; Those who like to keep healthy and raise flowers must take care of their families and be soft-hearted.
7. Path dependence principle
The principle of path dependence means that after a person makes a choice, the force of inertia will make this person constantly strengthen this choice, making it difficult for him to go out easily.
This principle is similar to inertia in physics, once something enters a certain path, it will produce dependence.
For example, the standard distance between two modern railway tracks is 4 feet 8.5 inches (1 inch = 2.54 cm). Do you know where this number comes from?
This figure looks very accurate and high-end, but it is actually based on the width of two horses' buttocks.
Because the early railways were designed by people who built trams, 4 feet 8.5 inches was only the track standard used by trams. The first man who built a tram was a carriage, so the standard of a tram follows the track standard of a carriage.
The width of the carriage comes from the width of the ancient Roman army chariot, but why did the Romans use 4 feet 8.5 inches?
Because the butt width of two horses is exactly 4 feet 8.5 inches.
More exaggeratedly, the width of the current rocket booster is also determined by the width of the train track.
In life, many habitual theories can be explained by this path dependence principle. Especially in marriage.
Many girls stay with their first love and soon find that their boyfriends have many intolerable shortcomings. But many girls will choose to be together. As expected, I was very unhappy after giving birth to the baby.
A person who chooses a person to get married is equal to choosing his whole life. So you should know how to make good use of the principle of path dependence to choose and manage marriage.
Choose a correct, harmonious and harmonious road from the beginning. Then operate according to certain standards and patterns, so that you can easily harvest happiness!
Smart people know that marriage is definitely not about two people getting a notebook, and then they can live a happy life as a prince and a princess.
Marriage needs experience and more care. Therefore, we should understand the role of psychological effects in marriage and learn to use these effects to make our happiness more lasting! May you be happy!