Happiness is not something that exists by itself. It is only compared with other unhappy things. This is what happiness is all about.

"Happiness ain't a thing in itself --- it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. That's all it is."

Lack of money is the evil of all source.

"The lack of money is the root of all evil."

The real disrespect is disrespecting other people's gods.

"True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god."

Man is the only animal, he loves his neighbor as he loves himself, but if the other person's religious theology has question, he would cut the other person's throat.

"He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself, and cut his throat if his theology isn't straight."

Everyone is born with an asset , which was worth more than all other assets, was his last breath.

"Each person is born to one possession which outvalues ??all his others --- his last breath."

Good breeding consists in hiding our better opinions of ourselves, and in hiding We think poorly of others.

"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."

"Reputation" is like vapor, "prestige" is like an accident , the only sure thing on earth is to be forgotten.

"Fame is vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion."

"Principle" is another name for "prejudice".

"Principles is another name for prejudice."

Superstitious people always believe in bold predictions.

"Prophecies boldly uttered never fall barren on superstitious ears."

"Need" does not understand any "law".

"Necessity knows no law."

When you fish for love, use your heart as bait, not your brain.

"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."

If all people are rich, then all people are poor.

"If all men were rich, all men would be poor."

If you often admit your mistakes frankly, your boss will lose their guard and you will have the opportunity to Make more mistakes.

"Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

Get the facts first, and then you can do whatever you want Twist and misunderstand it.

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you like."

A person's most dangerous enemy is his own tongue.

"The deadly enemy of a man, his own tongue...."

A malicious book will harm no one except the fool who wrote it .

"A malignant book would hurt nobody but the fool who wrote it."

Prophecy is the only human skill that cannot be improved with practice.

"Prophesying was the only human art that couldn't be improved by practice."

When a person reads the Bible, he is not so much amazed at the wisdom of God as at the wisdom of God. Rather he was astonished at God's ignorance.

"When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what he doesn't know."

Adam is really an old fool, he has everything Everything went well, and he had succeeded in winning the hearts of the most beautiful girls in the community, but he was not satisfied with his conquests. He had to eat that poor little apple.

"What a fool old Adam was. Had everything his own way; had succeeded in gaining the love of the best looking girl in the neighborhood, but yet unsatisfied with his conquest he had to eat a miserable little apple ."

India has two million gods and they worship all of them. Religiously all other countries are poor and India is the only "millionaire".

"India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire."

If you adopt a hungry Poor dog, if you let it live comfortably, it won't bite you. This is the main difference between a person and a dog.

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

There is never a Century, no country has ever lacked experts who know the mind of God and are willing to express it.

"There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it."

There was a man who came from heaven to travel to earth, He was using a reduced fare ticket valid for thirty days and was trying to sell his return ticket.

"Ingersoll's story of the man that went down from heaven on a reduced-rate excursion ticket good for 30 days --- and tried to sell his return ticket."

God first Created the idiots, which was just a warm-up, and then he created the Board of Education.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.

There is no other way to success but this: ignorance and confidence .

Humor is a saving force.

Before the boots of truth can be put on, lies are running around the world.

Although love seems to be the fastest of all things, it is actually the slowest. No man or woman knows what perfect love is until they have been married for twenty-five years.

Though love seems the fastest of all growths, it is really the slowest. No man or woman knows what perfect love is, until they have been married a quarter of a century.

On April 1st, think back to what you did during the other 364 days of the year.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I will use city and never Metropolis to express city, and cop and forever. Don't use policeman to express police. Since you can earn seven cents with a short three- or four-letter word, why use those long words?

I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.

Don’t tell the truth to no one Worthy people.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

The truth is stranger than fiction.

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.