"We can't change the past and others, but we can change the future and ourselves from now on." This is my motto as an interpreter, and it is also a famous saying of Eric Bowen, a psychologist who is deeply influenced by Adler and studies interpersonal psychology. Because of this sentence, it changed my life.
The focus of this idea is to examine "Who is wrong?" "This' reason' is useless. Work and family don't need any references. Instead of spending time and energy on investigating "who is wrong", it is more effective to spend energy on solving the future. So, even if the boss, subordinates or the other half really made a mistake, just focus on what you can do now. If you want to make the other party pay more attention, you might as well try to change the way of communication instead of blaming the other party who doesn't know that you are wrong. Try to make your words convincing and win the trust of the other party.
A sane person will only focus on "what he can do now" even if he thinks that 100% is the fault of the other party. On the other hand, people with unhealthy mentality will only blame others, speak ill of others and constantly emphasize that they are victims in order to gain sympathy, but they will do nothing. It goes without saying what kind of life will be happy.
Neither heredity nor psychological trauma can control you. No matter what happened in the past, only "you now" can create the future.
Interrogate a murderer: "why did you kill?" He replied, "Because I was abandoned by my parents. Abandoned by his parents, he became a murderer from an abnormal family, indicating that it was not his own fault. But not all children abandoned by their parents will become murderers, and some will run around to help children who are also orphans, so that they will no longer suffer the same hardships as themselves and teach them to stand on their own feet. Even if they grow up in the same environment, people can still choose the future according to their own wishes.
However, we often unconsciously push the present problems to the past.
"I remember when I was a child, my mother was always busy with work and neglected to take care of me. This is why my character has become so gloomy. Blame my mother, not my fault. " Our family is poor and there is no way for me to go to college. If I had a better family, I would definitely finish my college studies and find a better job now. 」
At best, it is an excuse to push the present unhappiness to the past environment like this. Should we use past experience as a springboard to open up the future? Or just making excuses, pretending to be a victim and living a life full of excuses? Only you can decide which way to go.
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This article authorizes the publication of "Accepting Imperfect Courage: Adler's 100 Life Revolution" by Liu Yuan/Hiroshi Ogura.
Courage to Accept Imperfections: Adler's 100 Life Revolution