chapter 1: happiness VS×××

we have to admit the fact that efforts may not necessarily lead to success. Success and happiness are not equal, happiness is about existence, and success is about process. Even if we are rejected by success, we are qualified to be happy.

(1) Happiness VS Happiness

Suppose you feel unhappy now, it's because you know what happiness is. Just because you know what happiness is, you know that you are unhappy now. Or, further, you have had a happy experience, or you are actually happy now, but you just don't realize it.

Miki Qing said that happiness is different from happiness. For example, after using drugs or drinking alcohol, you are in a state of drunkenness and your mood becomes very carefree. This is not happiness but happiness. In other words, happiness, which is different from happiness, is a very rational thing, so we must rationally judge how to be happy, instead of making a choice based on temporary passion and excitement.

(2) Happiness VS Success

"When success becomes people's main problem, happiness is no longer concerned by people." (Notes on Life)

When people think that success is happiness, no one will think about "what is happiness" and "what is real happiness".

"Since people treat success and happiness, and unsuccessful and unhappy equally, they can no longer understand what true happiness is."

To tell the difference between the two, first of all, happiness is original for everyone and belongs to the qualitative category. And success is universal and belongs to the category of quantity. Mikuqing believes that success, like progress, is a straight line, and he also points out that happiness has no element of progress. Happiness is an existence, not a process. It means that living here at this moment is happiness, which means we don't have to achieve anything for happiness.

(3) Being happy vs Being happy

People are not happy because they have experienced something. On the contrary, it is not because you have experienced anything that you are unfortunate. You can't use the word "become" about happiness. In other words, we are not "becoming" happy, but "having" happiness.

people can feel happy in the present moment. It doesn't mean that we weren't happy before, but that we actually "have" happiness, but we didn't realize it. Therefore, in the sense of realizing the existence of happiness, we "become" happy. If you understand this, even if nothing is accomplished, you can say that you are happy in an instant. People who think that they will be happy if they reach their goals, when they achieve a certain goal, they will set new goals at the same time.

Happiness is about existence, and success is about process. If we add a little to the difference between them, it is "success is the means of happiness". Because many people think that "success is bound to be happy", for these people, success is not just a means of happiness.

(4) the meaning of life

The so-called "good job" and "deeply loved family" are not proof of your success in life.

Is life worth continuing now? What is the meaning of life? For such problems, the more you want to live sincerely, the more you can't avoid them.

since people have to die, why do they have to live? "Even so, it doesn't mean that you can't live without an answer, but you must live without an answer. Rather than despair and disappointment "regularly", it is better to say that you brought it on yourself. When despair comes, there is a certain pattern. Emptiness strikes because you didn't concentrate at that time. It's all the same whether it's entertainment or work. Including the question of death, you are uneasy about the unknown. If you concentrate, you won't think about the future.

Adler said, "Life is limited, but it is long enough for you to live well."

"There is no meaning in life. You give it to yourself." Adler does not mean that life is meaningless, but that there is no universal meaning of life suitable for anyone.

we are not happy because of what we have achieved, nor unhappy because of what we have lost. If you understand that you are happy now, then you don't have to be afraid of losing these things, and you don't have to get drunk to eliminate your fears and anxieties.

what others want to imitate is your "success", not your "happiness". That's just the success of quantity. Many times, success will be regarded as happiness. If you succeed, others will want to imitate you or be jealous of you when they see you. In addition, happiness is a "qualitative" thing, and others can neither imitate nor be jealous. Family reunion is an example of happiness. Not with others, but with their own children and husbands, talking and laughing, even if they don't go to a fancy restaurant, enjoying the time together is happiness. What you can do is to pursue the qualitative happiness that your sister can't imitate.

(5) Happiness VS Frustration

When we imagine the unknown future, everyone will feel uneasy. However, we can't make our daily life lifeless because of this anxiety. Let's calm down and think about it. How can we change our "view of things"?

① first, pain is growth.

② Second, don't worry about the future. Even if it is tomorrow, I don't know what will happen until tomorrow. In that case, tomorrow's things will be considered tomorrow, and it will be good for us to live today.

Adler has a theory called "External Causality Law", which means that things that do not have a causal relationship originally are interpreted as if there is a significant causal relationship.

people with low self-esteem find it difficult to find love.

Seeing my mother's appearance, I seriously think about it every day. What is the meaning of living? What kind of existence does such a person have if he still has to live like this? In the process of thinking, I realized that fame and ambition are meaningless in the last stage of life. To me, the so-called success means nothing. Success is a very common thing, and anyone can imitate it as long as they are willing. My goal is not success, but happiness. Happiness can't be imitated by anyone. Happiness is not a universal concept. In the final analysis, it is a very "personal" thing, not belonging to anyone else, but unique to itself.

my purpose is to talk about happiness that others can't emulate. Even if my personal experience is generalized, it doesn't make much sense, and I haven't looked at my life with success as the main line, so relatively speaking, I don't care too much about concepts such as "frustration" or "failure". Perhaps I can only be sure of one thing, that is, for happiness, the so-called "frustration" is absolutely necessary. As long as people are alive, they will feel pain and frustration, just as birds must have air resistance to fly in the sky. Birds cannot fly in a vacuum. It is precisely because of the resistance in the air that the wings of birds can catch the airflow and the birds can fly into the sky. If you think about it this way, maybe any setback can be an opportunity to get happiness.

chapter 2: decide for yourself, your own value

(1) three conditions for becoming an adult

maturity means: you make your own decisions on your own topics, you are responsible for your own life, and you accept your own choices. Your own value should also be interpreted by yourself. Even if it is accused, denied or abandoned by secular rules.

There are three conditions to be an adult:

① The first condition of being an adult is that you can make decisions about things that you have to decide for yourself. If we want to define the concept of "subject", we will know whose subject it is when we consider who will end up with, or who must bear the ultimate responsibility for something. Disputes in interpersonal relationships are all caused by your intrusion into other people's fields, or your own fields being invaded by others.

② The second condition of becoming an adult is to be able to decide your own value.

Adler said, "People can only gain courage when they feel valuable". If you feel valuable, you will love yourself. People who are confident will love themselves more. People with low self-worth and low self-esteem can't be happy. The necessary condition for happiness is to recognize and love yourself.

Have the courage to face the result directly = the courage to face the subject directly+the courage to enter the interpersonal relationship.

first, the courage to face the subject directly.

secondly, we should have the courage to enter into interpersonal relationships. Why does it take courage to enter interpersonal relationships? Because in the process of contact with people, there will be friction. But let's consider it from another angle, the joy and happiness of living can only be obtained in the process of interacting with others. Most young people who fall into inferiority will have such an unreasonable belief: "I don't like myself. Why do others like me?" Because of such a dead end, even if I meet someone I like, I don't want to confess. For such people, we must find a way to find a sense of self-worth.

If you want to gain the courage to enter interpersonal relationships and then have the courage to face your own problems, you must realize that you are valuable. The core of the sense of self-worth is that only you can find your own value. We don't need others to determine our value. No matter what others think of you and evaluate you, you can realize that you are valuable. The evaluation of others ≠ your own value. You must understand that your value will not increase because of that sentence. It is very important to distinguish evaluation from value, and one's own value is decided by oneself, which is a very important sign in the process of human growth.

③ The third condition of maturity is to abandon the self-centered way of thinking.

how can I find my self-worth? First of all, we should understand that we don't live for others, and we are not at the center of the same body. Secondly, although we get help from others in interpersonal relationships, we should also think about whether we can do something for others. When you can do something for others, you will have a sense of contribution and accomplishment, feel valuable for the first time, and get rid of inferiority. In the end, it will also be praised by others.

when you feel that you are useful and have made a contribution to someone, you can have a sense of value. In other words, if you want to feel your value, you must first do what you can for others. If you can contribute to others, even if you can't get the recognition of the other party, you should be able to feel exactly that you are valuable. Being able to think about what you can do for others is the third condition for your maturity. In other words, we should not fall into a self-centered way of thinking.

(2) As long as it exists, it is valuable

When it comes to contributing to others, do you have to do something?

I hope everyone will bear in mind that the so-called human value and contribution can never be measured by talent and ability alone. This is the case in today's society, where people's value is judged by productivity. We live in a society where personal value is measured by what we can and can't do. Even if some people have physical disabilities, they are naturally unable to move freely and make contributions to others, then are these people worthless? Of course not. I hope everyone can realize that even if you make a little contribution to others and have a little dedication, not just for yourself, you can feel the joy of being alive.

(4) live in the present and let go of the past and the future

How should we spend our future life? When we are thinking about how to spend our future life, please put aside what has passed for the time being. Although everyone has had various experiences so far, don't dwell on the past now.

personally, it is useless to dwell on the past. Life is very long, and sometimes people do have all kinds of regrets, for example, they wish they had studied harder. However, since we can't go back to the past now, there is no need to take the past as a problem. In addition, the future has not yet arrived, so it is meaningless to worry about the future. We sometimes feel depressed when we think about tomorrow. Why not wait until tomorrow to think about it? People will be happy if they can live only for today. However, people often regret when they think about the past, and feel uneasy when they think about the future. In my opinion, it is very important for our future life to ignore both ends. This idea is sometimes opposed. What will happen if we really do this practice? That is, you can't design the road of life.

Many young people think that the road of life can be designed. Imagine that you are currently under the strong spotlight. So, you can't see the past or the future, but you can barely see under your feet. If you live only to do what you can do today, regardless of what will happen tomorrow, when you realize it, you will find that you have lived unconsciously for a long time. This is life.

people's happiness can't be determined by whether something happens or not. I think we must realize that happiness is the feeling of the moment, not the feeling of the moment. Therefore, I especially want to say to young people that now is not the preparation period of future life, now is not a rehearsal, now is your real life. Just like everyone will go through exams, big and small, if you do what you should do every day, even if you don't know whether you can pass the exam smoothly, I think many things will naturally change as long as you do your best for today. We should not regret recalling the past, nor worry about considering the future. Just let nature take its course and live day by day.

From meeting to getting married, it mainly depends on whether you have the determination. You may be surprised to say so, but it is because you have made up your mind that you will work hard to cultivate the relationship between the two sides. You may not remember that person at first, but now that the relationship has changed, he looks different. On the contrary, sometimes when they meet, their relationship has not developed further. This situation is also because you have decided not to further develop your relationship with this person. In a word, the other person's condition is just an additional reason for you to make up your mind to get married or not. I think, if you go on a blind date based on whether you can keep a normal heart in front of that person, then you will look at men differently. Because when you don't want to keep in touch with someone, you must find a reason to justify your behavior. Therefore, although the other party has not changed, your view of the same thing with him is completely different from the original.