I once said to my clients that the first step in trying to repair the emotional black hole is not to use reason to escape from emotion, but to bring the real you back to the emotional relationships in life. go. It is precisely because you are in emotion again, you are truly experiencing all this, truly experiencing all this, the truth about your every move has grown out of the soil, and you have the opportunity to more clearly recognize your own emotional development. What stage is the level at?

My role is only to help you discover what you have done and said in the relationship, and to accompany you to explore why you do what you do and why you say what you do. In this process of mutual exploration, get to know yourself more deeply, clarify the gap between fantasy and reality, and try to adjust your deviated cognitive experience. With a little progress, your emotions will truly begin to grow. .

Let us start from now on, return to the emotional relationships in life, and use a few stories to understand why the three groups of words are "a slight difference, but a thousand miles apart".

P recently often plays a song called "Feeling My Body is Empty" on a loop. Whenever the song goes to "I haven't taken off my makeup for 18 days, I have been wearing it for two and a half years, and my work and rest are disordered." But getting fatter and fatter", P can't help but open his mouth to follow the melody, and silently sing a few words to the shape of his lips.

P’s boss is an out-and-out workaholic, and he believes in the wise saying “The only solution to worries is work!” However, what makes P feel painful is that with his diligence, he does not get more rest time, but the work at hand only increases. As time goes by, P actually suffers from the workplace "flu": procrastination. The working status has plummeted even further.

P felt both painful and conflicted. His boss had trust and expectations for him, which was a sign that he valued his own abilities. But why am I less enthusiastic about work than before? Is it a matter of work attitude? Or is it that the ability has declined?

I wonder if the problem that troubles P will also become a problem encountered by many office workers. They enter the workplace with a positive heart, but in the end they cannot escape the ravages of burnout. Procrastination, anxiety and other bad states pester you endlessly, making your work situation worse and worse.

People cannot help themselves in the arena. Frankly speaking, there is no victory without ambition in social competition. Because of this, when bosses face subordinates, they mostly act based on their own desires.

So what is "desire" and what is "expectation"?

To put it simply, the word expectation contains the meaning of waiting. Since you can wait, the dimension of time emerges, and there is room for the other party to grow.

Compared with expectations, desire has a very vivid word like "thirst". When a person is very thirsty, his needs emphasize immediate satisfaction and lack of time and space to deal with it. room.

Therefore, in such a realistic social context, the company's interests outweigh everything else. The boss cannot wait for you to grow slowly. What he needs is efficient and high-quality results. The fault tolerance rate is very low.

In this state of desire, the boss will inevitably have some unrealistic imagination and desire for the work ability of his subordinates. But it is precisely the methods adopted by most subordinates that cater to their boss's desires on the surface, but behind the scenes they suffer from anxiety, procrastination and other negative emotions due to being overwhelmed, and even delay important work as a result.

How many relationships between subordinates and superiors have been wasted by this unrealistic desire? At this point, we should realize that the core of the relationship between superiors and subordinates in the workplace is: "How far is the distance between your boss's desire and your actual work ability?"

After all, you It is impossible for your boss to be like a consultant who can assess your true work ability through patient observation and then assign you work content that can maximize your work efficiency.

At this time, it is particularly important to skillfully help your boss understand your work ability objectively and let him have a clear and accurate positioning of you. Then when he arranges work in the future, he will also arrange a realistic workload that you can bear.

Understanding the difference between "desire" and "expectation" and completing cooperation with your boss in a realistic context is the first step for you to truly start enjoying your workplace life.

J and K have been in love for almost two years, and the reason why they have not gotten married is that in their lives, there are so many conflicts between them that they break each other down. Just yesterday, when J was late at night after working overtime at the company, in the taxi going home, he suddenly remembered that he had to chat with his girlfriend K for at least half an hour as usual, and he suddenly felt exhausted both physically and mentally.

K, who was watching boring entertainment programs at home and anxiously waiting for the phone call, was equally uncomfortable. There were many things she wanted to hear from J, such as how much he missed her after not seeing her for a week, how they could meet tomorrow, and how they would have a fun date... But all the beautiful imaginations were fermenting more and more. While it was swelling, K's phone still didn't ring.

"Hey..." "Why did you just call me now?"

"I'm working overtime today."

"Humph, I'm working overtime every day! Then tomorrow ..."

"I have to receive an important client tomorrow, and I can't talk to you..."

Before J could finish speaking, K hung up angrily. He could only silently suppress the anger in his heart, sighed, and the idea of ??breaking up became more and more intense.

Waiting for the other party’s call a little impatiently, I let my imagination ferment endlessly. I can come up with as many good thoughts about him/her as I can think of him/her more than others. The strong desire, many people like to call it "deep love and deep responsibility", thinking that this is the expression of love to the extreme.

Thinking from K's perspective, I haven't seen my beloved lover for seven days, and I miss him fiercely. I am looking forward to news from him, and I am eager for him to say that he misses me too. After finally looking forward to the weekend, not only was the response from my lover not enthusiastic, but I also heard the news that my hopes were dashed. It is normal to feel disappointed and angry about this.

From J’s perspective, he is tired from working overtime until late at night and the workload makes him need more rest. Even if there are no customers, maybe J just wants to listen to music quietly at home. , play games instead of spending the weekend by going shopping and dating. This choice is indeed reasonable. So where is the intensification of the conflict between K and J?

With such a striking example, let’s take a look at the difference between “emotion” and “emotion”.

What are the emotions like? The exchange between K and J on the phone was the best demonstration of the naked collision of their emotions. Two people are trapped in the current emotional experience. They don't see each other, only their own desires.

They did not give each other a space to buffer their emotions, but couldn't wait to throw their current desires directly at them, forcing the other party to catch them. In the end, neither of them could catch them, making each other unhappy. And scattered.

Based on this exchange between K and J, let’s take a look at what emotions look like?

"I can see my desires, but at the same time, I can also see your desires. Control your desires a little, give each other a certain amount of space and time to communicate, and respect your desires. At the same time, I don’t ignore my own desires.”

To make an ideal assumption, if J can objectively see clearly that the fatigue at work is his own responsibility, there will be nothing to do with his lover. relation. Giving some attention and response to the lover who misses you is something that both parties need to work hard on in this emotional relationship. It is not a high-sounding replacement with an emotional saying of "busy work".

If K could objectively see clearly that her need for her lover was too urgent, then she would not require her lover to call her for at least half an hour every night.

If she could control her desires a little, she would be aware of the exhaustion in the voice on the other end of the phone, and she would also be able to understand J's tiredness, and would not let her emotions run wild and hang up the other party's phone angrily. thing.

Of course, in the ideal state of getting along mentioned above, this change comes from both parties. The intransigence of either party will become a point of intensification of conflicts between two people trapped in personal emotions and quarreling. See clearly the gap between "emotion" and "emotion", and you will be one step closer to a nourishing emotional life.

I once saw such a message in the comments of an article

"My father and my mother often quarreled last year before we divorced. I was studying in university in other provinces, and he was late at night. Zhong would also make serial calls to me. When I was about to graduate in my senior year, they had a serious argument, and he forced me to drop out of school and go home to be with him because of my poor health. Later, after the two of us divorced, he turned the black hole of his anger. He blamed me and blamed me for the breakdown of their marriage. Later, when I was not in good health, he opened the door at 6 o'clock in the morning and scolded me for a full hour before my first job interview. , scolded me until 2 o'clock in the morning and refused to let me sleep. I just finished the psychological counseling, and the teacher encouraged me not to go home during the New Year this year, which was the best way to save the two of us. How long can I last, but I believe that as long as I persist, my father will understand one day and everything will get better."

I saw someone replying to this message, "Strong kid, come on, I believe. Everything will get better."

Chinese people believe that filial piety comes first, and children who never leave their father will receive a lot of praise and encouragement. But "What is belief? What is belief?" I think the friend who replied to this message may not really understand. If he understood, he would not easily say words of encouragement like "come on".

Between "faith" and "belief", there is a long distance between reality and fantasy.

Beliefs are realistic. You will have a clear direction, a clear goal, and a very important assessment, which is time. Are your goals realistic, are there deviations in direction, and are your efforts effective over a period of time? Only when all dimensions are brought together can the results be evaluated. Under constant evaluation and debugging, if you persist in working hard, you will only get closer and closer to the results you expect.

The child in the message above is also insisting, but his persistence is not faith, but a belief based on nothingness.

The object of his faith is his father, and the goal of his faith is that after his unfounded insistence on being abused, his father will one day be influenced and changed by his love.

And the replyer who encouraged him, whether he was from the perspective of kindness or the moral high ground, undoubtedly trapped this person in the dream of faith. The child is pushed into a darker abyss.

On the contrary, the consultant gave a suggestion based on reality, that is, physical isolation. It does not matter whether the father can change. The key is that the child has mastered the right to protect himself and does not allow his spirit to suffer anymore. Repeated abuse.

Faith is a dream. You simply focus on a certain idea and wishfully believe that as long as you persist, everything will get better.

This kind of argument is actually not uncommon: How many bubble dramas and news are telling that when faced with a partner who has become a gambler, an alcoholic, or a drug addict, the other party is brainless. He persisted in being abused and firmly believed in the emotional power of love, and eventually ended up in a situation where his family was broken up and his family was destroyed.

This kind of "belief" that seems to praise loyalty and affection is extremely confusing. The goal you are aiming for is vague and cannot be achieved through practical efforts, because the decisive factors that affect the result Not in your hands, but in the hands of the one you put your hope in.

Understand the difference between "belief" and "faith", and you can see clearly the distance between reality and fantasy.

In the above text, I talked about the differences between three groups of vocabulary.

In fact, I hope that through these three sets of words, I can present the dilemma of the different object relationships of the three roles.

When you face the reality and fantasy in the relationship between superiors and subordinates, the desires and emotions in the emotional relationship, or even when you are harassed by a relative with a serious self-disorder, what can you learn to identify? Perception is a misunderstanding, and where is the light in the darkness.