1. Realistic and humorous personality Lei Quotes

Aha~ Give me a glass of Wangqing water, in exchange for me not losing weight in my life.

2. Some jokes about salary increases

When will the money be available? Looking at the blue sky, I wonder how much it will rise, and when will I get it? I wanted to ask in a low voice, but I was afraid that others would laugh at me, which made me feel really cold when I thought about it. It seems like it is always a dream, but there is someone to talk about it.

The mind wants to be calm, but waves can make people annoyed. There should be no deceit. Why do we always make empty wishes? People have wives and children, and their families need soy, vinegar, oil and salt. This has been a difficult matter since ancient times. I wish you a long life, just add a few more coins!

3. Welcome the Lantern Festival with funny text messages

Dig some soil and plant my thoughts in it. A few 12345, if there are no flowers or grass, only red banknotes will grow. Who says feelings are not taxed, I still have to spend a dime to think about you.

4. Fresh and funny National Day humorous text messages

Big Big Wolf is having so much fun on National Day that my wife has the holiday and doesn’t have to catch sheep. I took my wife and children on a trip and went to Sanya to bask in the sun. I'm telling you the news. Eat, drink and sleep with ease, you happy lazy sheep.

5. Humorous text messages and Mid-Autumn Festival celebrity poems.

Li Bai: There is a bright moonlight in front of the bed, and there are cakes but no packaging. Raise your head to look at the bright moon, lower your head to smell the fragrance of the cake.

6. What is the most difficult

The hardest thing to get is the wife; the hardest thing to get rid of is the lover. The most difficult thing to control is the mouth; the hardest thing to reduce is the weight. The hardest thing to improve is height; the hardest thing to increase is income. The hardest thing to unify is the caliber; the hardest thing to realize is the ideal. The hardest thing to change is the treatment; the hardest thing to suppress is the hatred of the rich. The hardest thing to deal with is relationships; the hardest thing to serve is leadership.

7. Coaxing~

To make leaders happy, just act fake, to make the masses happy, just show off, to make lovers happy, just do ***, to make friends happy, just show off. ; To make my wife happy, I cook; to make myself happy, I dream.

8. Housing

Housing: ordinary people worry about housing, developers worry about selling houses, entrepreneurs worry about accounting, producers worry about box office, officials worry about second homes, and corruption Men worry about private housing, women worry about sex, the elderly worry about their hearts, those who work worry about renting a house, those who are hospitalized worry about the ward, those who give birth worry about the maternity ward, those who get married worry about new houses, and ordinary people worry about demolishing their houses. Why! Sex can be really frustrating!

9. Real work

Views on the company: From a distance it looks like heaven, from up close it looks like a bank, and when you go in it looks like a prison cell. It is better to go home and herd cattle and sheep. Everyone agreed, and everyone ran there. Make money here and spend it here. There is no money to send home. They all say that the wages here are so high that I have no money to buy toothpaste; they all say that the food here is good, and the vegetables are mixed with grass; they all say that the environment here is good, with cockroaches and ants running around; they all say that the foremen here are handsome, with flat heads like pot lids. Every year I work, I feel miserable every year. I work overtime every day like a monkey, I get scolded every day for no reason, and my boss lowers his head when I see him. I shook my head after my salary was paid, and at the end of the month I started to worry, wondering when I would be able to make my mark?

10. Guo Degang’s classic sayings

If you reason with him, he will act like a gangster with you;

If you act like a gangster with him, he will talk about the rule of law with you;

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You talk to him about the legal system, and he talks to you about politics;

When you talk to him about politics, he talks about national conditions to you;

You talk to him about national conditions, and he Talk to you about integration;

You talk to him about integration, and he talks to you about culture;

You talk to him about culture, and he talks about Confucius to you;

You talk to him about Confucius, and he talks to you about Lao Tzu;

You talk to him about Lao Tzu, and he pretends to be a grandson to you!

11. The four ideals of pigs

The four ideals of pigs: the railings are rotten all around, feed is falling from the sky, all butchers in the world are dead, and the people of the country believe in *** .

12. The difference between famous people and ordinary people

Things that famous people use up are called "cultural relics"; things that ordinary people use up are called "waste".

When famous people drink, they call it "drinking"; when ordinary people drink, they call it "guzzling."

When a famous person shakes hands with an ordinary person, it is called "cordiality"; when an ordinary person shakes hands with a famous person, it is called "flattery".

Famous people who argue with reason are called "eloquence"; ordinary people who argue with reason are called "quibbles".

Famous people do stupid things, which are called "anecdotes" and become good stories; ordinary people do wrong things, which are called "stupid" and are ridiculed by others.

A famous person's unkempt appearance is called "artistic temperament"; an ordinary person's unkempt appearance is called "liquidity".

The temper tantrums of famous people are called "personality"; the tantrums of ordinary people are called "bad roots".

The nonsense words of famous people are called "famous quotes"; the cautious words of ordinary people are called "nonsense".

13. Different names for women

When looking at beautiful women: those who are charming are called beauties, those who are ugly are called temperamental, those who are awesome are called talented women, those who are dull are called ladies, and those who are thin are called Slender, fat people are called plump, tall ones are called Tingting Yuli, short ones are called small and exquisite; skinny ones are called gentle, fierce ones are called pungent, silly ones are called sunshine, ruthless ones are called glamorous, earthy ones are called traditional, and foreign ones are called Chic, bandit is called alternative, coquettish is called romantic, young is called youthful and beautiful, old is called still charming, romantic is called stars holding the moon, cow is called Aoxue Lingfeng, idle is called emotional single-mindedness, and busy. It's called self-pursuit, it's called being annoying, it's called being persuasive, it's called being destructive, it's called refusing to mature, it's called being frail, it's called being feminine, and it's called being unfeminine, it's called super girl.

14. Liars can also be interpreted in this way

Deceiving others is a legal issue

Deceiving relatives is a moral issue

The king deceives the minister and is called the emperor Gratitude is vast

A minister who deceives a king is called devoted oneself

A father who deceives is said to have no regrets

A son who deceives his father is called Guangzong Yaozu

He deceives himself Tell me that my future is not a dream

I am not afraid of liars, but I am afraid that liars are educated.

15. A man’s life

Men are tired, so they slap their backs,

Men are worried, so they wash their hair,

Men are miserable, so they often gamble,

Men are busy, so they often go to the wrong bed,

Men have a hard time in life: be more handsome, they are too popular. If you're not handsome, you won't be able to show off; if you're more lively, they'll say you're too oily and silent, and you'll be said to be too boring; if you wear a suit, they'll say you're too serious; if you dress casually, they'll say you're a country boy; you know how to make money Well, I'm afraid of you ***; if you don't make money, and you're afraid of weaning your children, get married, because you're afraid of regrets; don't get married, because you're afraid of her regrets, and have a child, because you're afraid that you won't have money to support them, so don't have children, because you're afraid of old age. No one to support him. It’s hard to be a woman these days, and it’s even harder to be a man. Men, you should be kind to yourself!

16. Don’t be afraid of fake goods, rebates are good; Don’t be afraid of expensive food, public funds will be enough; If you don’t have deep knowledge, you will be able to work hard; If your skills are not high, you will be popular if you are hidden; If you don’t have good looks, you will be famous if you dare to take off your clothes. Fame doesn't matter if you are tall, money means you are strong; it doesn't matter how good you are at the ball, you win with a black whistle; it doesn't matter if it's a big deal, it means giving gifts; it doesn't matter if your wife is ugly, if your husband is noble, you will be prosperous.

17. Those who have positions but no power engage in greening, some have no courage to engage in culture, those who have wealth but no power engage in corruption, those who have tobacco but no alcohol claim to be popular, and some aim at liberalization, both small and large. The belief in heaven and earth is mystical, and we, mothers, only have one child.

18. Men are tired, so they hit their backs; men are worried, so they wash their hair; men are miserable, so they often gamble; men are busy, so they often go to the wrong bed. It’s quite difficult: be cool, because it’s too popular, be not cool, because you can’t get it.

19. There was a lazy man whose real name was Ruan. He carried a basket and sold chicken eggs. The egg skin is too soft. It’s hard to buy food if you can’t sell eggs, and it’s a long way home to eat, so you burn rotten grass to keep warm, and then eat a few soft eggs in the basket.

20. The cigarettes must be burned until we die together, and the old wine must be drunk until we no longer recognize each other. You have to play mahjong until you are shirtless, and you have to play cards until you are covered with stars and moons. Brag until you don't believe it, flatter yourself until the sky is dark. Dance to the point of exhaustion, lose weight to the point of dying.

21. A copper spoon scoops out hot oil, an iron spoon scoops out cold oil, a copper spoon scoops out hot oil and scoops out cold oil, and an iron spoon scoops out cold oil and scoops out hot oil. Pour the oil into the frying spoon, and there will be delicacies every month. Stew the squid pieces first, then grill the mutton strips. The fire is burning under the stove, the oil is boiling in the spoon, and the pot is full of heat. It doesn't matter whether it is a copper spoon or an iron spoon.

22. Don’t cut your head off, dyed and permed hair will look better; don’t bleed, don’t turn your head white; don’t wear old shoes, you need to pump oil when you go to see your girlfriend; don’t make your car too small, don’t drive yourself for fun.

23. Don’t be afraid of getting nothing if you treat the exam paper coldly; I have no talent, so I hand in a blank paper; I chase after a beautiful girl and won’t give up; holding back is worse than cheating, and personality is worse than passing; if you are late, you don’t need to shout a report, The class motto and school motto are running.

24. There is heaven above, and there is a casino below; you don’t have to eat, but you can surf the Internet; you have money to pick up girls, but you don’t have money to rob them; everyone practices boxing, curses and sings; the wine rack is cool, and smoking is healthy; if this goes on , banged early.

25. When a beautiful woman turns around, she scares a cow to death; she can’t follow you because you are too ugly. She laughs and asks the ugly girl why, she has gold and oil, it depends on whether you leave, even if you are all Yes, I won’t bow my head either.

26. People who work and people who watch their work are looked at together. It is not possible to distinguish who is the person who works and who is the person who watches the work. As a result, the people who work cannot work and watch the work. People who work can't see people working, so no one should do anything when working!

27. It is better to have a good father than to learn mathematics, physics and chemistry well. As a Chinese, why do you need to learn foreign languages? Chinese, biology and geography are not as good as novels and comics; it is not easy to write cheat sheets for exams, so I deceived the teacher and deceived my parents; I deceived and deceived myself, so it is better to catch them now.

28. Smoking, drinking, playing mahjong, and falling in love with people online. I'll accompany you crazy, I'll accompany you, I'll accompany you until dawn. I've had injections, I've had powder, I've had kisses in the middle of the street. I take a bath, blow bubbles, and sleep with my wife in my arms.

29. There is a bright moonlight in front of the window, and it turns out that there is a debt collection shortage. Looking around, all I see is a big water tank. I wish I didn’t work hard as a child and played games all day long. If I want to stand up and straighten my back, It’s not too late to remedy the situation!

30. Those with more money go home less, those with more beauty have less clothes, those with more ideas achieve less, those with more work have less income, those with more power have less time, those with more lovers have less peace, and those with more friends Fewer difficulties, more exercise and less disease.

31. The mother-in-law and the nanny came to the hillside. The mother-in-law silently picked mushrooms, and the nanny silently pulled radishes. The mother-in-law brought a broken dustpan, and the mama brought a thin basket. The mother-in-law picked half a dustpan of small mushrooms, and the mama pulled out a basket of large radishes. My mother-in-law picked mushrooms to exchange for cakes, and my grandma sold radishes to buy steamed buns.

32. There are forty-four stone lions in front of the Shishi Temple. There are forty-four astringent persimmons on the tree in front of the temple. The forty-four stone lions will not eat the forty-four astringent persimmons. Forty-four Astringent persimmons eat forty-four stone lions.

33. Who said there are no beautiful girls in Peking University? Boys are more like bull devils. It’s not that we are too dissipated, and we are frivolous if we don’t have money. Love paintings have no perverts since ancient times! Gentlemen line up! There was an accidental rape case, and she was also caught as a female hooligan!

34. A person who has money and time has a good body, which is excellent; a person who has money and no disease and no time is a treasure; a person who has no money and no disease has time, which is top quality; a person who has no money, no disease and no time is a treasure; Defective products; people who have no money, no time and temper, waste products.

35. Since ancient times, there have been no beautiful ladies in the North. Broken flowers and willows line the streets. Even if there are three pairs of mandarin ducks, they are like pheasants and wolves. Since ancient times, there has been no beautiful girl in the North, looking at an airport. Occasionally seeing a Mount Fuji, it was also Hongxing who came out of the wall early.

36. The foundation of a building must be laid firmly. Don’t be afraid of rain or waterlogging. The foundation of life must be laid solid and you must improve step by step. Life is like a building. It must be built cleanly with real materials and solid materials. He clutters his own building and ultimately ruins his life.

37. If men are not jealous, they will not be emotionally rich; if women are not jealous, families will not be harmonious; if children are not jealous, their studies will not progress; if old people are not jealous, they will become more confused as they live; if everyone is jealous, society will progress; Be a little more confused and free-spirited.

38. I told you not to be infatuated with me because I have spent my time and can’t do the hard work. I have to drink regularly, curse on the street when I’m drunk, and even buy cigarettes on credit when I have no money. What do you think? Angry dad or not.

39. You are my favorite, you are my joy, you often rely on me, but I give you a tie, let me pull it tightly from time to time, you often eat leftovers, and even let me I often kick, my dog ??is so good.

40. I was born with small eyes, which caused me a lot of troubles. When I was a student, the teacher criticized me for sleeping in bed. In fact, I kept my eyes open. I am more unjust than Dou E! My girlfriend thought I had small eyes and said I was just like Garfield. I opened my eyes hard to show her, "You don't know what's in my small eyes!"

41. East and West Street, walk north and south, walk back along the base of the wall, and feel anxious when you reach the cave. Your waistline is two and a half cents wider! It's all because of greed. I ate watermelon and sweet potatoes. They say sweet potatoes are a great supplement. If you eat too much, you will get intestinal obstruction. It's hard to break this big mouse!

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