Wen/Liang Shuang

I want to ask my unmarried friend how many children are you going to have in the future?

With the opening of the second child policy, more and more families are beginning to consider having a second child or even a third child. Especially a family with an eldest daughter.

It seems that having one more son makes up the word "good" for family harmony. Maybe some parents don't think so. If parents always emphasize being kind to their little brother when educating their daughters, your little brother will depend on you in the future. After the serious moral kidnapping, the most terrible result is to turn her daughter into a "brother-helper".

Please, my sister is not a mother. There is no law that stipulates that my sister must give money and raise my brother.

some parents may not think so. They feel that their education for their sons and daughters has always been balanced. Their brothers and sisters have participated in many interest classes, and they never let their daughters suffer. They assign housework equally, and sometimes they even tell their brothers and sisters to let them go. Daughters thought that their parents loved them, too, until they found that when they grew up, they didn't have the same inheritance rights as their brothers.

Many parents also think that they love their daughters very much, but they never regard their daughters as heirs. Parents can give their money to whoever they like, but they can't give it to their daughters anyway, and their daughters can't rob them.

Because this is the tradition in China: married daughters are spilled water, and parents' inheritance always belongs to their sons. But parents will definitely think of their daughters whenever they have anything to contribute.

What's the experience of preferring boys to girls and being forced to be a "brother-helper"?

"Brother-supporting Magic" refers to those elder sisters who are born in family of origin and are still "blood-sucking" by their own brothers and parents in the economy as adults. The representative figure is Fan Shengmei in Ode to Joy. There is also a famous saying in the blind date market-"Marry a man without marrying a phoenix man, and marry a wife without marrying a brother-in-law."

In the program "Please Answer Teacher" of Beijing Satellite TV, a nine-year-old girl cried about her grandfather's partiality. In this family, grandpa often looks over his granddaughter and smiles at his grandson, while the 9-year-old granddaughter can only study harder and prove herself with excellent results. This kind of "cold violence" from the family leads to the granddaughter's introverted and unconfident personality. But grandpa doesn't admit that he is "patriarchal". He said: "Every time I buy something, I will ask my granddaughter first, and I will buy her anything, but she always saysno."

Grandpa's behavior has seriously affected his granddaughter's self-confidence in expressing her needs, and at the same time, it has also had an impact on her grandson, who is more egoistic and domineering, while her granddaughter is more introverted. Perhaps the most serious thing is that even her grandson will learn from her elders to ignore her sister.

A guest said, "The most severe denial a person gets in his life is that you are worthless. The "lightness" of son preference means that it is worthless. I don't beat you and scold you every day, but ignore you. "

The first result is that children have low self-esteem, no value and don't deserve better things. Just casually find a man who is good to her in the future, and she feels grateful. Because when I was a child, the warmth that I didn't have at home was all in him, so she was easily cheated.

in the second case, she will become very strong. If you want to prove yourself, Su Mingyu in Everything is Fine is an example. Why are children so sensible and have such good grades? Behind this is inferiority and injustice. Because children think that I can only be paid enough attention to if I am sensible and have good grades, I feel confident.

"Being forced to be a" brother-helper ",I don't want to get married or have children. Because I have never seen a happy marriage, I never think that I can be lucky enough to find someone who loves me. I feel that I am not qualified to be a parent. "

The psychology of "helping the younger brother"

The first one was kidnapped by family of origin's morality. Parents buy cars and houses for their sons, let their sons see the world, don't pay too much for their daughters, and force their daughters to stay with them for the elderly. For the sake of morality, filial piety and blood relationship, I have to become a "brother-helping demon" (passive). It usually happens in families with poor economic conditions.

"If the family economy is not good, who will raise the younger brothers and sisters if you don't raise them? Our parents can't make any money, and they depend on you. "

" We have raised you for more than 2 years, and now we have to come back to get a dowry? Do you have a conscience? No dowry! What about the bride price? Your brother has to buy a wedding room! "

"Are you still in charge of this younger brother? Is there something wrong with our education? I have been cursed in my life, and I have met such an ungrateful daughter who doesn't help my brother! "

......

Second, the psychology of self-sacrifice. Sisters also feel that they should take responsibility and repay their parents with this "helping brother magic", which is an active "helping brother magic".

"I only have one younger brother. If I don't help him, who will?"

This kind of person is often neglected in family of origin for a long time, and may be a flattering personality. This is the case of the 9-year-old granddaughter mentioned above.

Because only in the process of self-dedication, they will get a little extravagant attention and praise from their parents, which can't even be called love. But it strengthens their understanding of risks, and at the same time strengthens parents' belief that their daughter's dedication is their due duty without gratitude.

after they get married, they will give everything to their parents, regardless of themselves, their new home and their partners, and their lives will get worse.

the third kind-excessive control, no sense of boundary, becoming the second mother. My sister does all the chores of my younger brother and sister, but this sister-in-law can't! That brother-in-law, not even! This chair can't be set like this! The whole family listened to their sister.

how to educate Duan ping in a sister-in-law family?

There's no need to give in to the small

Kong Rong, the protagonist of "Kong Rong gives in to pears", is the youngest child in the story. He just chooses the smallest pear out of courtesy. So, why do older children have to give way to younger children? Who is right or wrong about a thing is not determined by age. Parents should first abandon the idea that "I don't prefer boys to girls" and "the big one must be sacrificed to the small one".

Teach children to respect

Learn to respect and love their brothers and sisters, and naturally they won't ask for it unconditionally.

Teach children to be independent

Learn to solve problems by themselves, and establish a clear sense of boundary between family members.

Teach children to love and share

Teach girls to love themselves and boys to love others.

The age gap between brothers and sisters should not be too big

If the age gap is too big, and the elder sister is in her teens, the younger brother will only go to kindergarten, so it is easy to give the responsibility of raising and educating the children to the older children (usually the elder sister).

Even if we can't be absolutely fair, we should try our best to make our children feel that their parents don't favor anyone too much.

Reference

1. Chen guangjie? Wang Fangfang. Exploration and Choice: On the Thought of "Preference for Boys over Girls" in China [J]. Journal of Chongqing University of Science and Technology (Social Science Edition), 213 (October): 71-73. < P > 2. Chen Binbin,? Shi Zeyi. Parental rearing of a second-child family [J]. Advances in psychological science? 217,? 25(7):1172-1181.

3. Tian Hao. Research on psychological problems and countermeasures of older children in second-child families [J]. Navigation of Arts and Sciences (mid-term), 216(5Z).

Lisa Lu. Pay attention to the mental health of the "boss" in the second-child family [J]. Early Education: Tutorial Edition? 214 (6): 26-2

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