1． I don’t want to become immortal through hard work, I want to become immortal through immortality.

2. Inertia causes two-thirds of marriages. And love is responsible for the remaining one-third of marriages.

3. What if everything didn't exist and we were all just in other people's dreams? Or worse, what if only the fat guy in the third row really existed?

4． I took an existential exam. I didn't write a single answer, but I got 100 points.

5. I am not afraid of death, I just hope that when death comes, I will not be there.

6. There are worse things than death, and if you spend a night with an insurance agent, you'll know what I mean.

7. I was kicked out of school for cheating on a metaphysics exam—I peeked into the soul of another male classmate.

8. When the Oscar jury called me, I panicked. I thought they wanted the Oscar they gave me back and the pawn shop had been out of business for a while.

9. In Beverly Hills...they never throw out trash. They turned it into a TV series.

10. I guess my parents didn't like me - they put a live teddy bear in my crib.

11. If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans for the future.

12． How could I possibly believe in God? Last week my tongue got caught in the rollers of an electric typewriter!

13. A poet once said, "Only God could make a tree"—presumably because it was difficult to figure out how to attach bark to a tree.

14. I can't listen to too much Wagner. I have the urge to conquer Poland.

15. I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 20 minutes. This book is about Russia.

16. I'm amazed at how people want to "understand" the universe, which is hard to do if you get lost in Chinatown.

17. If only God could give me some clear proof of His existence! For example, give me a large deposit in a Swiss bank.

18． Interestingly, modern astronomers believe that space is limited. This is comforting - especially for those who never remember where they put things.

19. People in the world seem to be divided into two types: good people and bad people. The good guys sleep soundly... but the bad guys seem to enjoy their waking hours more.

20． Life can be divided into two kinds: a terrible life and a miserable life.

21. Life is full of pain, loneliness, and torture—and it’s over too quickly.

22. It is better to be rich than poor, just for financial reasons.

23. Humanity faces choices at a crossroads more than at any time in history. A road leads to hopelessness and despair. The other leads to extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to make the right choices.

24. I don't have much fun most of the time. The rest of the time I had no fun at all.

25. One of my great regrets in life is that I am not another person.

26. Not only did God not exist, but there wasn't even a plumber to be found on the weekends.

27. Besides, dying is one of the few things that can be done easily by lying down.

28. Organized crime in the United States earns more than 40 billion a year, and office expenses are very low.

29. Think: Why do humans kill each other? People kill for food. And not just for the food, there often has to be a drink too.

30. To you, I am an atheist, to God, I am a staunch opponent.

31. If you don’t encounter setbacks often, it’s a sign that what you’re doing isn’t very innovative.

32． The most touching words in the world are not that I love you, but that your tumor is benign.