I am 23 years old, and I should say that I have just started my life, but all the mysteries and attractions of life no longer exist for me, and I seem to have come to an end. Looking back on the road I walked, it was a journey from purple to gray; A journey from hope to disappointment and despair; The long river of thought begins with the source of selflessness and ends with the destination of self. Before, I was full of beautiful dreams and fantasies about life. When I was in primary school, I heard about How Steel was Tempered and Lei Feng Diary. Although I can't fully understand it, the heroic deeds are so exciting that I can't sleep night after night. I also copied Paul's famous saying about the meaning of life: "A person's life should be spent like this: when recalling the past, he will not regret wasting his time, nor will he be ashamed of being mediocre ..." I wrote it on the first page of my diary. When the diary was finished, I copied it in the second book. How much encouragement this passage gave me. I think my father, mother and grandfather were all from party member. Of course, I also believe in productism and will join the party in the future. There is no doubt about it.

Later, I came across a pamphlet published in the past, who to live for and how to be a man. I watched it again and again and was completely fascinated. I began to form my first and most beautiful outlook on life: people live to make others live better; When people are alive, they should have lofty beliefs and give everything they have when the party and the people need it. I am intoxicated with the passion of dedication. In my diary, I wrote a lot of radiant language, and even imitated the appearance of a hero in every word and deed.

However, I often vaguely feel a kind of pain, that is, the facts I have seen with my own eyes always form a sharp contradiction with the education I have received in my mind. Soon after I entered primary school, the Cultural Revolution began and then intensified. I have witnessed such phenomena: theft of property, war and disregard for human life; The family is unsmiling all day; Grandfather carefully prepared for the inspection; Young people older than me curse, play poker and smoke all day; I went to see my aunt off when she went to the countryside. People hide their faces and cry, beating their chests and feet ... I am a little confused and begin to feel that the world around me is not as attractive as the books I have read before.

I ask myself, do I trust books or eyes, teachers or myself? I am ambivalent. But when I was young, I couldn't analyze these social phenomena. Besides, my past education has given me a strange ability, that is, to learn to close my eyes, to convince myself, to remember quotations and to hide in my noble spiritual world. But then I failed, and the blow of life came to me. I graduated from junior high school that year and my grandfather passed away. A harmonious and friendly family suddenly became cold and quarreled over money. My mother in other places refused to send me alimony, which made me unable to continue my studies and became a social youth. I really got hit on the head. Oh, my god, the relationship is like this, so what will be the relationship between people in society? I got a serious illness. After I got sick, with the help of several good classmates, I wrote to the street office and got sympathy. I was assigned to a small factory under collective ownership and began to earn my own living. At that time, I still had a yearning for truth, goodness and beauty. Maybe my family's misfortune is just a special case. Now that we have set foot on life, life is still full of temptations. She is waving to me.

However, I was disappointed again.

I believe in division. But I made a suggestion to the leader, which became the reason why I couldn't join the league for many years. ...

I turned to friendship for help. But once I made a mistake, a good friend of mine quietly wrote down what I told her and reported it to the leader. ...

I am looking for love. I met the son of a cadre. His father was persecuted by the Gang of Four and has been in a miserable situation. I threw my sincere love and deepest sympathy to him and touched his wound with my broken heart. Some people say that women put all their pursuits in love, and only in love can they get the support of life. This can't be said to be unreasonable. Although I was hit outside, I had love, and love gave me comfort and happiness. Unexpectedly, after smashing the Gang of Four, he turned over and never spoke to me again.

I lay down and didn't eat or sleep for two days and nights. I'm angry, I'm upset, and my heart is blocked like an explosion. Life, you really show your ugly and ferocious face. Is this the mystery you showed me? ?

In order to find the answer to the meaning of life, I have observed people, consulted white-haired old people, young people, conscientious teachers and members who get up in the dark … but none of them satisfied me. For example, for the sake of revolution, it seems that space is irrelevant and I don't want to listen to those lectures anymore; If you name it, it is too far away from the average person, and there are not many people who are "immortal" and "immortal"; For example, it is human, but it has nothing to do with reality. How can you talk about being a man if you break your head for a few jobs and scold the street for a little thing? If you say that you eat, drink and be merry, you can be born naked and die with a bag, but it is meaningless to come to this world once. Many people advised me why I should think hard, saying that living is to live. Many people don't understand. Is this a bad way to live? But I can't. The words "life" and "meaning" keep tossing in my mind from time to time, like a noose around my neck, forcing me to make a choice at once.

I turned to the treasure house of human wisdom-studying hard, hoping to get comfort and answers from it. I read Hegel, Darwin and Owen's works on social science; Read the works of Balzac, Hugo, Turgenev, Tolstoy, Lu Xun, Cao Yu, Ba Jin and others. However, reading did not free me from the pain. Masters' sharp pens reveal human nature layer by layer, and let me see all the ugliness in the world more deeply. I marvel that people and things in reality are so similar to those described by the master. Whether I sink into books or return to reality, all I see are the figures of Grandet and Nekhludoff. I was tossing and turning in bed, thinking, thinking, thinking. Slowly, I became calm and indifferent.

Social Darwinism has given me profound enlightenment. People are people after all! No one can escape his own laws. At the moment of great interest, everyone chooses according to human instinct, and no one really abides by the lofty morality and beliefs that are on the lips. People are selfish, and there can be no selfless and noble people. Those propaganda in the past were either hypocritical or greatly exaggerated the facts themselves. Otherwise, I would like to ask all the solemn saints, learned scholars, distinguished teachers and respectable propagandists. If they dare to face up to themselves, I dare say how many rules can escape fighting for selfish desires? ! I used to believe so enthusiastically that "people live to make others live better" and "I will give my life for the people". How ridiculous it is to think of it now!

My insight into life has made me a person with dual personality. On the one hand, I condemn this vulgar reality; On the other hand, I go with the flow. Hegel once said, "Everything that is realistic is reasonable, and everything that is reasonable is realistic." This has almost become my famous saying to comfort myself and heal my wounds. I'm human too. I am not a noble person, but I am a reasonable person, just like all people are reasonable. I also earn a salary, I care about bonuses, I have learned to flatter and lie ... When I do this, my heart is very painful, but when I think of Hegel's words, my heart is calm again.

Of course, I don't want to muddle along all my life, eat, drink and be merry. I have a career. I like literature since I was a child, especially after the hardships of life. I want to write it all with a literary pen. It can be said that I am alive, and everything I do now is for it-literature.

However, no one seems to understand me. In the factory where I work, most workers are housewives, and young girls just talk about perming and dressing up. It is difficult for me to have the same language as them. They called me lofty and eccentric and asked me if I wanted to be single. I don't care, I think they are tacky. Being out of place with the people around me often makes me feel sad and lonely. When I feel extremely lonely, I want to join people's laughter at once; But as soon as I get close to those vulgar jokes, I feel that I might as well hide in my own loneliness.

I know for myself that what I want to write is not to contribute to the people, but to the four modernizations. I did it for myself, for the sake of personality. I don't want society to treat me like a nobody. I want to show my existence with my works. I cling to this only spiritual pillar, just like grasping a flat boat in the sea that is about to engulf me.

I realized that anyone, whether living or creating, is subjective to himself and objective to others. Just like the sun shines, it is an inevitable phenomenon of its own survival movement at first. It shines on everything, but it is an objective meaning derived from it. Therefore, I believe that as long as everyone strives to improve the value of self-existence, the development of the whole human society will become inevitable. This is probably the law of human beings, and it is also a certain law of biological evolution-a law that no arbitrary preaching can drown or coax!

Supposedly, when a person has a career, he will feel full, happy and powerful. But I'm not like this. I seem to be suffering, struggling and torturing myself. I want to show that I am strong everywhere, but I know that I am weak inside; My salary is very low, and I have to buy a lot of books and manuscript paper, which makes me have to calculate for a few cents ... Sometimes it suddenly occurs to me, why should I make a career and suffer for myself? I am a human being, and I should have a warm and happy family and be a good wife and mother. Besides, can I really write something? Even if it is written, a few pieces of paper can stir up life and affect society? I don't believe it at all.

Some people say that the times are advancing, but I can't touch its powerful arm; Some people say that there is a vast and great cause in the world, but I don't know where it is. The road of life is getting narrower and narrower, but I am already very tired, as if one breath means complete extinction. Really, I secretly went to see a Catholic church service. I once had the idea of cutting my hair short to look good, and even thought of dying ... my heart was really chaotic and contradictory.