I saw a sentence in Weibo: "The collapse of modern people is a silent collapse. It looks normal, funny, noisy, social and calm on the surface. In fact, bad things in my heart accumulate to a certain extent, and I won't slam the door, cry or get hysterical. "

Sometimes I feel that the current communication is very tired, so tired that every expression, every punctuation, every sentence and even every word is flattering others.

But really? Of course not.

0 1

The salary increase notice came down, without me. But I gave it to this old employee who did nothing in front of the mirror all day. It's ironic to think about it.

My company is a state-owned enterprise. It sounds glamorous, but in fact the infighting behind it is rare and strange. The general manager is in power, and one person has the final say in the war, but he still uses unknown people.

Fortunately, after a month of persistence, the newly recruited department manager came. Finally, I don't have to contact the general manager directly. I thought I saw hope, but I found that the manager is a soft persimmon, and he can only pinch soft persimmons.

The designer of the department is an old employee of the company. It is said that the last manager couldn't help her. Procrastination, a picture that can be completed in only 2 hours, she can do it in 2 days; She doesn't accept any criticism and opinions. Anyone who has a problem with her work can always go back.

So over time, no matter how ugly the picture is, managers are too lazy to change it or say it, thinking that they can do it without delay. For me, it's another scene.

"The products of the sales department can't be uploaded. Why don't you help me upload them?"

"Design and drawing are a bit slow. Make your own drawings."

"I don't know why I went there. There are two emergency plans. Please help me. "

At first, I almost accepted it.

"Anyway, I don't have anything at hand now, so please help me."

"Think of yourself as learning one more skill."

"When the manager asks, it is always difficult to refuse."

So I often work overtime in this place where I can work from nine to five. Later, I found that blind flattery would only make the other person worse. Once one day the other person gets used to your efforts and you don't meet their expectations, you will get negative feedback instead of gratitude.

It was not until I came into contact with the word "please-type personality" that I found myself living a life of "people's design".

02

People habitually want to live according to other people's expectations, put themselves in other people's expectations, and then live in their own "personal design"

In a stressful situation, a person will ignore his own feelings, think that others and situations are more important than himself, and try his best to please everyone and things, regardless of his own performance. Virginia satir, an American family therapist, defines this behavior as flattery.

Flattery people have an unusually keen insight into their surroundings. You can often get a glimpse of other people's inner thoughts through a few words. With a strong sense of empathy, a look and an expression of others can even play a large-scale series with more than 50 episodes in their hearts. They are always ready to meet each other unconditionally and even sacrifice their own interests.

It is difficult for flatterers to refuse other people's demands. Even if the other party's demands are unreasonable, they will even sacrifice their own personal interests to cater to the other party's needs. You will feel guilty when you have to refuse the other party's request. In the next period of time, you will even try to make up for each other's guilt.

People who please others are particularly afraid of bothering others and rarely put forward their own expectations or demands on others. If one day TA asks you for help, it must be a last resort.

And when we slowly open the heart of an "apple polisher", we will find that most of them are insecure, fragile and eager for attention.

When getting along with others, they care too much about other people's comments, opinions and concerns, and are afraid of provoking or offending each other. Being in such anxiety will make you live in other people's "personal design" and lose your true self.

03

In this human society, we all have our own "please personality" to a greater or lesser extent, which is particularly obvious in the circle of friends.

Make the grouping visible before sending a circle of friends. "It's good to see such childish things for better friends. College students may think that I am rare and strange, and elders may think that I am naive. "

I sent a circle of friends to see how many people like it every minute. No one likes it for a long time, and we will reflect on whether the content is bad or the interpersonal relationship is indifferent.

Think twice when you comment on others. "This person doesn't know her very well, so don't laugh and think I'm being sarcastic"; "Add an exclamation point will appear too heavy? Change it to a full stop. "

......

There was no WeChat before, and there was no circle of friends. Our circle was very small. It doesn't seem so difficult and laborious to maintain. The development of social networks has gradually expanded the scope of our evaluation. What we do, a comment and a circle of friends may be commented by people who know you or don't know you, so we gradually become cautious.

Psychologists say: people have been seeking recognition from others all their lives. This desire makes you compromise on any public platform or even interpersonal relationship to cater to all kinds of people's tastes. But you ignore the fact that no matter how flattering you are, you can't be recognized by everyone.

If you are kind to others, some people will say that you have a plan, and some people will say that you are lucky if you try your best. So when you try your best to please others, you will find yourself worthless in the end.

04

People are born, not made. Try to jump out of the cycle of "please" because:

First, it is unnecessary. Some people please others in the hope of getting their attention and recognition. Everyone has this kind of demand, which is human nature, but don't care too much.

There is a famous saying in Zhihu: 99% of what happens to you has nothing to do with others. Really understanding this can avoid the anxiety of friends circle. Nowadays, people don't even have enough time to play mobile phones every day, so they don't care about your things and don't care when they see others.

Second, it's useless. Some people please in order to maintain the so-called contacts, afraid of offending others, but when they need each other's help, they are in short supply. It is good to help others, and no matter how good a person is, once he goes too far, he may just grovel to others.

When you are an "apple polisher", more than 95% of all the relationships you have established are useless. If you put a low profile, it is equivalent to telling others that you are easy to bully. What should I do if you bully and don't help you? Others don't take you seriously at all, and such interpersonal relationships will not bring you practical help and benefits in the future.

Third, thankless. When a good person does something wrong, he is doomed. When a bad person does something wrong, he puts down his butcher's knife and becomes a Buddha. This sentence also applies to flatterers.

When others get used to your "please", they will regard it as a normal state and even intensify it. If one day you can't meet their expectations, you will get not forgiveness but complaints. Don't do thankless things, but remember to do three things.

05

Coco chanel has such a saying: "It is better to manage the betrayal and badness of others than to manage your own beauty."

When you lose yourself, what do you expect others to love you? The fundamental reason for pleasing others is that he is inferior to others. If he has millions of assets, Fan will not be embarrassed, but he has no confidence to refute his mother's irrationality. I am too weak to care about others.

I'm trying to change my personality recently. A few days ago, I had a showdown with my leader. I hope to treat it fairly, not differently. Maybe I offended someone, but I found my life much better and I lived more comfortably.

Therefore, it is better to be perfect for others than to live a good life for yourself. Only in this way can you truly make your personality strong and your heart full, and you will be respected from the heart.

In recent years, perhaps thousands of WeChat people have little contact, made many friends who are no longer in contact, and done a lot of thankless things. After 90, there will always be a lot of malice from society in the process of going to society. Now your circle may be very small, only a few people can be accommodated, but remember not to mistreat every enthusiasm or please any indifference.

From now on, please help yourself and enjoy it.