To prepare for a critical conversation, use the four key points of nonviolent communication: list facts through observation, experience and express feelings, state the root of the feelings, and ask for help.
Use the goal achievement in key conversations. The purpose of the conversation is to improve the relationship between each other. It is not to force others to make things difficult, nor to vent emotions, but to achieve a win-win situation. You are good, I am good, the school is good.
List the facts: two years of preparation, three and five years, no title, no job title, with a grateful heart, completing every day's work is not a one-time exercise. .
Experience and express feelings: With the development of the school, the growth of young teachers, and the handling of various relationships, my true feelings are that I have no sense of belonging, no sense of security, and no recognition.
The root of the feeling: Not in the right place, not in charge. Choose a suitable location and do the job at hand. The reason for confusion is that we need a clear plan, we want to be responsible for our own body, health and family, and most importantly, ourselves.
Make a request: I sincerely want to hear your ideas about my plan. Based on your requirements, I want to make my own plan. You are doing it for the development of the school, improving the relationship with each other, and the most important thing is to be worthy of yourself.
2020.6.8
Three sentences about non-violent communication:
1. Husband, last Sunday morning, you drove your mother and us to Daheishan Cherry picking, I was happy. I think mom feels more at ease with you driving. Can you often arrange time to accompany us like this in the future?
2. When your daughter had dinner together on Sunday night, you told me that practicing piano this afternoon made you think about many things, such as forcing yourself to study hard. I feel so relieved to hear your words. I have always believed that you have your own way of life and can arrange it reasonably and effectively. Are you willing to take active actions on small things like going to bed early and getting up early, brushing your teeth and washing your face, eating well, and cleaning the house? Looking forward to seeing you become better and better.
3. When I completed the online course seriously last night, I felt happy and satisfied. Because I need a learning method that is effective for me to achieve the unity of knowledge and action. I am willing to follow this course and transform what I know in my head into doing it in action.
2020.6.9
1. Say to yourself: Why do I get angry every time I see my daughter’s desk is messy, her clothes are thrown around, her quilt is not folded, and her socks are thrown around? anger? My cognitive belief is that people who are organized will have an orderly life and can arrange their studies with ease. Deep in my heart, I am worried that my daughter's living habits will affect her study. I am willing to help my daughter develop good living habits in a gentle but firm way.
There is another reason: when I was a child, my mother would be in a bad mood when she saw chaos in the house, and I would be beaten for such things. Seeing the sad and helpless look of my childhood self, hug me. I see my own childhood experiences, and I am also actively repairing them.
To my daughter: You are not willing to drink the tomato soup for breakfast. Tell me in a gentle but firm tone that you will not put eggs in the future and clear the table. Your sincere tone and behavior of clearing the table make me happy. I feel respected and recognized. I hope we can study breakfast together. What should we eat?
To my husband: Before going to bed last night, you were still looking at your phone. I covered my face with the quilt. You quickly put down your phone, turned off the lights and went to sleep. I felt the mutual respect and tacit understanding. We can set a time to look at the phone at night.
This week’s homework is: Ask partners to complete three expressions of observations every day
6.15
Self: I notice that I will consciously pause before speaking. Feel your emotions and judge whether you are using alienated communication methods. When it comes to rising, you will still judge, compare, avoid or force others to make things difficult for you. There are regrets, but more joy. After all, hindsight is also progress.
Husband: I asked my husband a question this morning. Instead of answering perfunctorily like before, my husband said: Let me think about it. Feeling: He started to cooperate with the changes in my communication style.
Daughter: My daughter got up late today and was not very talkative. I thought it might be related to the fact that she didn’t make an appointment with her classmates to go out to play on the weekend, but I didn’t ask and chose to go out to work first.
2020.6.16
My observations:
1. My daughter showed me the math paper and told me that after adjusting her emotions and mentality, she could write and write correctly. The rate has improved compared to the previous two times. Through her own adjustments and practice, her daughter found the answer method that suits her.
2. After my husband got off work, he hurried back to cook with me and brought us delicious food. His face was full of joy and sense of accomplishment.
3. I tried to express the fact that I saw things on the dressing table in a calm tone. My daughter did not feel disgusted and immediately cleaned up.
2020.6.17
My observations:
1. I saw my daughter once lying on the bed doing homework
2. I saw Every time the children were asked to discuss the problem, their movements became much faster.
3. I see my husband going to the kitchen to cook dinner every time.
2020.6.18
1. I was sorting through the photos, and every photo I saw of my daughter was smiling.
2. I saw several people passing by my office door.
3. I saw that when the leader was having breakfast, some people greeted him and some did not.
2020.6.19
My observations:
1. In the morning, I saw my daughter listening to music and lying on the bed reading English sentences.
2. I thought my daughter was listening to music on my mobile phone, so I waited for her to finish listening and sent her to school.
3. When I was driving to work, I used my mobile phone to listen to books as before. The mobile phone automatically switched to the music station and played "Ningxia" by Liang Jingru, and I sang along.
My feelings: When I put my focus and attention on the facts and restrain myself from describing the facts without judgment, I feel: calm, comfortable, relaxed, and at ease.
I can feel the emotions and judgmental narratives of the family. And can realize the profound meaning: "Observation without evaluation is the highest wisdom of mankind".
This week’s homework:
1. Chapter 5: Roots of Feeling exercise, use non-violent communication to describe a piece of language. What is my observation contained in it? How do I feel? What needs or values, desires, etc. lead to such feelings?
2020.7.1
The company needed a car urgently, but other colleagues were silent or gave reasons why they couldn't use it. I volunteered and stepped up. It was replaced half way through. I'm actually very scared of driving.
My feelings: When encountering an emergency, I will put the group or others before myself. I will be afraid or angry with myself afterwards. I didn’t learn to refuse politely or to feel my inner needs first. Is this a superego expression? I need to learn to take care of myself first before helping others!
The death of the plant that has been scolded for 30 days | How terrifying is the power of language
Toshiko Studio today
Author | Unknown? Source | Network
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Words can kill, do you believe it?
Although language cannot be seen or touched, language itself has huge energy.
Do you believe that words can kill?
At least, it just killed a pot of flowers and allowed the whole world to witness the terrifying power of language.
IKEA in the United Arab Emirates once conducted an experiment. This experiment was inconspicuous at first, but the results of the experiment shocked the world...
I felt special after reading it Surprising because it reflects an underlying method of killing (wounding) people in modern society.
Although this time, it was not killing people.
However, most people may not know in their lifetime that this method can really kill people...
Next, let us take a look at this strange method. The experiment "How powerful is human speech?" 》
The incident happened at IKEA in the United Arab Emirates. They picked two similar-looking potted plants in their store.
Cover the potted plants with transparent covers and place them on the GEMS campus.
Apply the same fertilizer to them every day, pour the same water, and bask in the same sun.
However, it can only be said that "the same tree has different destiny".
If you zoom in closer, you can see: "This plant is bullied" is written on the pot on the left.
On the right is "This plant was praised."
How can plants be bullied? Is it possible that I still need to beat it?
Don’t think too much, the experiment is not that violent. The so-called "bullying" is to "verbally attack" it.
They found many students, recorded the audio in advance, and then played the audio in a loop "in the ears" of the plants.
As for these curse words, they are also very cruel, but they are the "verbal violence" we are accustomed to...
"You are a waste, you are good for nothing!"
"You don't look green at all!"
"You look like you're about to rot"
"You're not likable at all, what do you want from me?" Use!”
Two identical plants, but listen to two completely different languages ??every day.
"Seriously, are you still alive?"
I feel sorry for this plant here for a minute...
In comparison, the one on the right The treatment he received was at the level of a palace.
Words of "affirmation", "praise" and "praise" are played around it every day:
"I like how you are yourself"
" I feel so happy when I see you”
“You are so beautiful!”
“The world has changed because of you”
“You are so wonderful!” !”
On the one hand, there were violent verbal insults, and on the other hand, there were warm praises and compliments. In this way, this experiment lasted for 30 days.
The final experimental result can be said to be unexpected, but also reasonable.
The plant on the left, which had been treated humiliatingly for 30 days, was scolded as "withered".
The one on the right that is praised every day is growing well and green.
It is enough to see how terrifying the power of language is!
Even the children have realized a truth: if plants can be affected, then people must be affected too! And, perhaps the impact is even greater!
According to statistics: approximately 246 million children and adolescents suffer from verbal violence and bullying every year.
But verbal violence and bullying are not just in schools! It may be everywhere around us.
Sometimes, all it takes to break someone is one sentence.
And if the hurtful words come from the mouth of a close relative, the hurt is likely to be devastating.
"Trash"
"Shameful"
"Garbage"
"Useless"
"Pig Brain"
"Why don't you die yet"...
Under the attack of verbal violence, many children choose to self-mutilate and commit suicide.
Someone asked on Zhihu: What is it like to be scolded by your parents so much that you want to commit suicide?
Answer: When I was so sad that I cried to the point of collapse, my parents looked at me and said, what’s wrong with me?
The despair in my heart is unimaginable.
Some children will choose to harm others and then ruin their own lives...
According to a survey, more than 60% of young criminals have suffered from parental language on the damage.
An educational short film titled "How much damage can verbal violence cause" is shocking to watch.
Six juvenile delinquents in the detention center told their own stories:
My parents divorced when I was 12 years old. My mother scolded me every day and often told me to die. My parents say that I am useless and a waste every day.
I have never been praised. The people who scold me the most are pig brains, pig brains, pig brains.
They always say that I know how to eat, lose face, and be a human being better than me; they always say to me: "Why don't you die!"
In the end, they Turning these languages ??into criminal weapons: guns, axes, fruit knives...
Mental abuse in childhood is an important reason for these juvenile crimes.
Children who are constantly humiliated, denied, ridiculed, sarcastic, and scorned have a big hole in their hearts, housing their dilapidated souls, forcing them to vent their trauma and humiliation in extreme ways.
Language has huge power
Verbal violence can hurt people invisibly
Scientists have discovered that stress and language damage can cause some permanent damage to the developing brain. Sexual changes, the human body and cells have memory.
The impact of those negative emotions and memories is far greater than imagined.
But how many parents, because they cannot control their emotions, often scold and insult their children, but say "it's because I love you."
There is a very familiar saying: "Hitting is affection, scolding is love." But it's not necessarily right, it's just a product of "collective consciousness". These old beliefs cause many people to "talk about love but look hideous!"
You cannot use love as an excuse to do "non-love" things.
As the saying goes: A kind word brings warmth in three winters, but a bad word brings frost in nine months.
Language has strong vibrations, especially when we are angry and resentful, words have strong energy. Through negative vibrations, the results are often unexpected.
Through the experiment of the death of a plant that was scolded for 30 days, it is not difficult to see:
Words are like small energy bullets that shoot into the realm of life that is invisible to the naked eye. Although we cannot see the words, they become an energy that fills the room, the home, the environment, and our hearts.
This shows that language is alive and has the ability to create and destroy.
Many parents will transmit their negative emotions to their children, making their children slaves and victims of their own emotions.
Many couples will also turn their negative emotions into words to attack each other. If things go on like this, the entire family relationship will fall into a mess.
So, what we need to do now is: change our thoughts and lives by changing our language.
The energy of language and the law of attraction
Thoughts have energy, and language is a voiced thought, so language has strong vibration waves.
When we speak some negative energy language, you are already sending out vibration waves. To put it more clearly, you are attracting events on the same channel to your door. This is why the crow’s mouth is particularly effective.
In the same way, when we praise someone, we will attract more good things to us.
We must continue to learn to use the power of language to create beauty in life.
When we are in a state of appreciating each other, when we praise from the heart, our entire inner world will change accordingly, and we will receive a huge healing power.
On the contrary, bad words and malice will harm yourself and others physically and mentally.
We are the creators of our own destiny, and everything we see on the outside is a reflection of our inner world.
The British poet Milton has a famous saying in "Paradise Lost":
The heart is in its place, only in one thought;
Heaven becomes hell, hell Become a paradise.
Never underestimate a small idea, any thought you have may change the whole world.
When we begin to look at everything around us with an appreciative eye, our hearts will be in a state of appreciation, which will provide us with positive energy, and the positive energy will allow us to choose to live a positive life.
What we say will sincerely encourage and praise others, thus forming a positive and positive cycle within us.
Use five methods to treat the people around you better
When we treat the people around us, please give more encouragement and praise, and you will find that many things begin to change. .
1. Positive encouragement
I believe in you, no problem!
Give it a try, it doesn’t matter if you succeed or not!
The more you do it, the better it will get!
2. Show respect
Now that you have made up your mind, I support you!
I respect your choice.
3. Empathize
I know how you feel, I have experienced it too.
If you want to cry, don’t hold it in, cry for a while!
4. Hand over the right of choice and decision-making
Just decide this matter.
You can choose... or...
5. Give pertinent advice
I love you, but I don’t like what you do.
If you are more patient, I believe this matter will be better!
In family or career, the above five suggestions can be applied to couples, children’s education, and communication with friends and colleagues.
If you want to destroy someone, then you can criticize them, judge them, and deny them as much as you want;
If you really love someone, please let the words in your mouth , stop being a sharp knife that stabs the other person, use the most beautiful words to help him or her become a better person.
Good afternoon everyone. It is very important to make requests in this week’s practice. This is an action of observing inner needs, and invites everyone to practice [rose][rose][rose]
2020.7. 6
A request to my husband and daughter: In the process of studying non-violent communication courses, I often fall into my own trauma. I have emotions or a deep desire to be seen, but I I haven’t learned how to make requests yet. Are you willing to accept my anger and emotions and support me in coming out?
2020.7.27
Observation diary:
Today’s emotional energy is extremely low. I got up the last one in the morning and saw my husband and daughter getting into work and study step by step. I felt ashamed and felt that I was not good enough. I didn't get up early to cook and didn't set an example for my daughter. I drank the porridge made by my husband and checked the messages on my phone. I allowed myself to be with this depravity for a while.
My daughter saw that I was not in a high mood today and didn’t bother me all day. My husband came over to say a few words to me, but I responded with irritating words until he coaxed me a few times. , I recovered from my willful state. Just like the teacher said, I really need others to understand me, but I don’t know how to love myself.
After writing this paragraph just now, I took the initiative to express my feelings to my husband: The epidemic makes me want to go back to my mother’s house, but I don’t want to go back. I want to be more comfortable in my own home, and I need a sense of security.
7.28
Observation diary: The leader held a video meeting in the morning and asked us to report the cultural materials of the floors we are responsible for. I handed over the responsibility to three colleagues, so I communicated with them on the phone about the collection of materials. The three colleagues expressed their own difficulties from their own perspectives and ideas. I understand their difficulties, but the materials still have to be handed in according to the prescribed time. I am obviously feeling irritable and anxious in my heart, because I am not willing to do this cultural design work. After all, it is not what I am good at. Ask yourself why you feel this way? Are you afraid of being criticized if you don’t do well? Worried about causing stress and trouble to your colleagues? Hate the feeling of being rejected after repeated revisions? In short, I didn’t pay attention to myself and love myself at this time.