Youth: Sir, you said that separation of subjects is the starting point of interpersonal relationships. So, where is the “end” of human relationships?

Philosopher: If I could only answer the conclusion, it would be "***sympathy". If others are partners and we live among them, we can find our "position" in them, and we can also think that we are making contributions to our partners - that is, the same body. This state of seeing others as partners and being able to feel that "one has a place" is called ***sympathy.

Adlerian psychology believes that "all troubles originate from interpersonal relationships." On the other hand, the source of happiness also lies in interpersonal relationships. ***Empathy is the most important indicator of happy relationships.

In your impression, what kind of person is a self-centered person?

Youth: "Self-centered" can be described in one sentence as a selfish and willful person.

Philosopher: Indeed. However, one more type must be added. People who are unable to "separate subjects" and are blindly obsessed with the desire for recognition are also extremely self-centered people.

Youth: Why?

Philosopher: Please consider the essence of the desire for recognition - how do others pay attention to you and how do you evaluate yourself? To what extent do you satisfy your own desires? People who are bound by this desire for approval may appear to be looking at others, but in reality they are only looking at themselves. Losing care for others and only caring about "me" is self-centered. It is precisely because you don’t want others to think bad about you that you care about the eyes of others. This is not concern for others, but dedication to oneself. Not how you see others, but only how you are seen.

The protagonist of my life is "I". There is nothing wrong with this understanding. However, this does not mean that "I" reign at the center of the world. "I" is the protagonist of my own life, and I am also a member of the same body and a part of the whole.

People who only care about themselves tend to think that they are at the center of the world. For such people, others are just "people who serve me"; they may even think: "Everyone should serve me and my mood should be given priority."

They transcend "life" "Protagonist", and then transgress to "Protagonist of the World". Therefore, when in contact with others, I always think: "What does this person give me?" This expectation will not be met every time, because "others do not live to meet your expectations."

Therefore, when their expectations are not met, they are often disappointed and feel greatly humiliated. They will also be very angry and have thoughts such as "That person did nothing for me" and "That person failed me." Thoughts like "My expectations have exceeded" or "That person is no longer a friend but an enemy." People who believe they are at the center of the world quickly lose "friends."

The world is not a flat map but a sphere like a globe. Every place is the center, and at the same time, every place is not the center. An infinite number of centers can be generated depending on the position or angle of the person looking at it.

None of us are the center of the world. Instead of thinking about "what will this person give me", you must think about "what can I give this person". This is participation and integration into the *** community. A sense of belonging is not something you are born with, it has to be earned by yourself.

The starting point of interpersonal relationships is "separation of subjects" and the end point is "feeling of the same body". Moreover, empathy means "seeing others as friends and feeling that you have your own place among them."

"The Courage to Be Disliked: Philosophical Lessons from Adler, the "Father of Self-Enlightenment""? Ichiro Kishimi, Fumiken Koga, WeChat reading