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The harm of "doting"
There are many hazards of "spoiling", which can be summarized as follows:
Spoiled children are used to being self-centered, easy to form selfish personality, unable to empathize, indifferent to their family's efforts, ungrateful and disrespectful. The son of Li Gang, one of the four big dads, killed two people with his car, and even made rude remarks, showing his lack of love and respect for life. This shows that his psychological distortion is serious, and this distorted value finally sent him to prison.
People's ability comes from taking responsibility. There is a movie line that the greater the ability, the greater the responsibility. In fact, the greater the responsibility, the greater the ability. The more we take responsibility, the more we can exercise and grow in the process of taking responsibility. Under the arrangement of family members, spoiled children have to make ends meet, but they still don't take personal responsibility, let alone family and social responsibility. As a result, you can't get exercise and growth, and it's easy to become an incompetent person. It is precisely because they have never taken responsibility and never really experienced the hardships of life that they can't understand the hardships of their families, so many spoiled children often show no mercy.
Children who are spoiled from childhood are often used to being self-centered and tend to become giant babies when they grow up. They are selfish and willful. They only have their own ideas in their hearts and cannot consider the needs and ideas of others. At home, parents spoil and let themselves go. Once you leave home, you will inevitably run into a wall everywhere, from retreating into the family to all kinds of contradictions and accidents. For example, a bus crashed into a river in Chongqing. This terrible giant baby mentality not only killed himself, but also arrested more than a dozen innocent strangers. This is really terrible.
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What is "doting"?
The harm of "doting" is so great, so what is doting?
What is the difference between "doting" and "true love"?
Love with "norms" and "boundaries" is wisdom love and "true love";
Love without "norms" and "boundaries" is stupid love and "doting".
The so-called "norm" is the basic requirement for people to get along with each other, treat each other as equals, respect each other and not hurt others.
The so-called "boundary" means that children and parents are independent individuals, and everyone has his own space and responsibility.
The child kicks others for no reason, and the mother says that "the child is too young to understand", which is doting; Mother stopped the child in time, and told the child not to kick people, others will hurt, and what else can be expressed in words, such as loving others, we can hug with gentle hands or express it in words, I like playing with you, and so on. This is true love.
A poor family spent a lot of money, bought a catty of grapes and a red rose from 48 yuan, and stuffed them all for their children to eat. This is doting. Eat a little for the whole family and share it together. This is true love.
The child is seven or eight years old and can already wash his own clothes. The mother felt that the child was still young and wouldn't let the child wash clothes by himself. This is doting.
According to the child's age, it is true love to let the child do the housework within his power and assume his own responsibilities.
……
As long as you keep this circle in mind, doting and true love can be clearly separated.
three
Knowing the connotation of doting, let's look at four common forms of doting:
From chasing children for food and water to helping them put on clothes and shoes, from helping them pack schoolbags to helping them find jobs, from not letting children share housework to parents solving their mistakes ... these responsibilities that should be borne by children themselves have been handled by parents, and children naturally hide behind their parents and continue to be a grown-up child. There is a news on the internet that a college student has no ability to take care of himself, went to college and had to rent a house off campus to take care of his life, which caused many parents to think deeply.
Every time I go to the supermarket, I buy snacks. When I go to the shopping center, I must take some toys home. If children don't eat the food on the table, they will say that they want their parents to do it again immediately ... This bottomless satisfaction of children's needs seems to be love for children, but in fact it is terrible doting. Yang Lijuan, a star-chasing girl who once made a sensation in the whole country, has a father who is a teacher, but she doesn't know how to love children. When children were young, they wanted to drink red bull drinks, and fathers who had no money even stole drinks for their daughters. Later, in order to idolize his daughter, he resigned and even sold his kidney. Until the end, in order to force Andy Lau to see his daughter again, he chose to leave a 70,000-word suicide note and throw himself into the river. The father seems to love his children to the extreme, but this bottomless love and unconditional love are completely two concepts. "Boundless love" meets children's reasonable or unreasonable demands, which is not conducive to children's growth and maturity, while "unconditional love" meets children's inner emotional needs and spiritual needs, and does not necessarily meet children's various requirements. This kind of love can nourish the child's mind and make the child psychologically healthier. So the measure of love is not how much parents have paid, but how much children have grown up.
Many parents tend to say that "children are still young, but it will be fine when they grow up". This idea of keeping a natural straight line has delayed many children. It is normal for children to make mistakes, but if parents don't guide them, children won't realize their mistakes at all. How do they establish a correct view of right and wrong out of thin air when they grow up? I saw a video on the internet: a mother dragged her suitcase with a package inside, and her young daughter kicked her mother with her hands in her pockets and blamed her for sitting in the subway station. The daughter has grown up, but does she know that there is something wrong with her behavior? I don't think so. Otherwise, she couldn't be so confident after kicking her mother in the bustling subway station.
Equal family relations will enable children to learn to get along with others on an equal footing, while families that always allow children to enjoy special treatment will enable children to internalize abnormal interpersonal relationships into their own beliefs and develop selfish personalities. The delicious food is given to the children first, or even only to the children. Watching TV is controlled by the children ... It is obviously the children of ordinary people, but they enjoy the treatment of the little emperor. In fact, although the little emperors in feudal society were rich and prosperous, they were not relaxed, and they had to receive a lot of strict and arduous training. However, today's little emperor only enjoys good material conditions and uncompromising prestige, but lacks favorable constraints and training for his growth.
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What is the root of "doting"?
As usual, parents today should know that doting is not good for their children. But why do so many parents still spoil their children? Investigate its root cause, the following situations need parents to reflect.
First, parents themselves lack correct concepts.
Some parents misunderstand the educational concept of love and freedom. A few years ago, the educational concept of love and freedom was introduced from the west, which was quickly recognized by young parents. Traditional families in China pay attention to self-denial, not personal feelings. The thought of love and freedom greatly echoes our repressed feelings and needs, so many families regard love and freedom as the standard of education. However, some parents don't deeply understand the meaning of love and freedom. They regard love without a bottom line as unconditional love and even debauchery as freedom. I thought I was pursuing advanced educational ideas, but I turned my children into bullies. There are also some parents who think that if people are divided into three or six grades, their children will be human. This disrespect for others will be inadvertently passed on to your children. What's more, it is easier for children to form a domineering character by using their own power and status to shelter their mistakes.
Second, parents put their own needs first.
Some parents spoil their children, not to meet their children's needs, but to meet their own needs. Parents themselves were short of materials in those years, and now that their economic conditions are good, they will meet their children's requirements without principle. Just buy them in buy buy, they just want to make up for their lack in those years. Children should learn to cut their own nails. Parents don't allow their children to cut their own nails. In fact, they can't stand their inner anxiety. Children crying and splashing water want to buy toys or children want to eat candy, and parents quickly satisfy their children. In fact, they just want to get rid of the entanglement of their children as soon as possible; Children have to wash vegetables and cut vegetables. Parents think that children are unclean and slow to cut, so they simply push their children out of the kitchen to save trouble ... These situations are actually not out of love for children, nor do they further consider what children need in their growth. Parents just want to meet their own needs.
Third, parents don't understand the growth law of their children.
Children's growth and maturity not only need to eat and sleep, but also need rich experience and experience. If parents can't understand this, they will blindly think that it doesn't matter to spoil some at home, and they will naturally mature when they grow up out of society. As we all know, parents' arranged substitution deprives children of their independent ability, and parents' bottomless satisfaction also encourages children to face setbacks. There is no standard constraint on children's mistakes, children don't understand right and wrong, give them special treatment, and make them form a self-centered mentality. Of course, these long-term accumulated problems cannot be solved at once on the day when children enter the society. By the time parents realize the problem, it is often difficult to correct it.
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How to avoid "doting"?
As parents, we should love our children, but we should not spoil them.
So how can we avoid doting?
According to the four common forms of doting, we can "reflect" whether we have doting behavior and correct our behavior in time.
According to the deep-seated reasons of doting, we should "learn" the ideas and methods of family education in a targeted way, and more consciously see what is the starting point of our behavior.
In addition, we can also work hard from two aspects to build a moat to prevent doting from the inside:
It's no big deal for children to be hungry for two meals without eating, but some parents can't accept it. They have to chase the children with bowls to feed them, and even pray for the children and extra rewards. At present, children are not hungry, but in the long run, they are deprived of the most basic self-care ability. The same is true of not letting children do housework. For the time being, it is easier to look after children, but in the long run, it brings various disadvantages such as no sense of responsibility and no understanding of taking care of parents. Consciously thinking about the short-term and long-term effects of their actions will make it easier for parents to make choices and behaviors that are beneficial to their children in the future.
As an independent individual, children have their own space and responsibilities, and parents must learn to let go and not cross the line. Let the children do what belongs to them. Don't be afraid of trouble or anxiety. Children should be given opportunities to make mistakes and learn and grow from them. If the child does something wrong, let the child bear the corresponding consequences. ...