The age of 2 determines how children treat intimate relationships

How to establish and maintain a close attachment relationship with children? In fact, did you know that the age of 2 determines how children treat intimate relationships?

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When a life comes into this world, the most important thing is to establish a connection with its mother (and possibly other caregivers). Individual ecologists believe that the first two years of life are a sensitive period for establishing this bond. Babies who cannot form a close relationship with their mother before the age of two, that is, cannot establish a secure attachment, are at risk of developing social and personality problems in the future.

When the fetus is in the mother’s body, it is connected to the mother by the umbilical cord. After birth, the physical connection between mother and baby is broken, but a spiritual connection is created, which is attachment. Therefore, attachment is equivalent to the "spiritual umbilical cord" between mother and baby. As long as the umbilical cord is continuous, the mother can continuously provide nutrients to the fetus. But the "spiritual umbilical cord" is far from that simple. It is not only affected by many factors, but also has advantages and disadvantages.

So, what characteristics of the mother will affect the attachment relationship? How can a secure attachment be established between mother and baby?

What is the simultaneity of mother-baby interaction?

To understand the attachment relationship between mother and baby, both sides of the "spiritual umbilical cord" are important: the mother's attachment to the baby and the baby's attachment to the mother. American child psychologist Helen Bee pointed out in "Developmental Psychology: The Growth of Children" co-authored by others that the most important thing in forming a connection is the two-way, interlaced relationship between mother and baby called "simultaneity" Types of attachment behavior.

The simultaneity of attachment relationships is similar to conversation. For example, a baby communicates his needs through non-verbal communication, usually crying or smiling, and the mother understands this need and then provides matching satisfaction. When a mother holds her baby in her arms, the baby responds to the hug by being quiet or snuggling. Mothers who have raised babies will also have the experience that when breastfeeding, the baby stares at the mother intently while feeding. Mother and baby staring at each other for a long time is the most heartwarming picture in the world, and it is also the silent communication between mother and baby. It is through thousands of such "simultaneous" interactions that the attachment relationship between mother and baby gradually becomes the script of the parent-child relationship.

Unlike babies who are naturally attached to their mothers, some mothers are not attached to their babies and even hate them. The main factors that affect a mother's attachment to her baby include the mother's marital status, socioeconomic status, emotional reactivity, and mental health level. The mother's unmarried pregnancy, poverty, and emotional state will all affect the quality of mother-infant simultaneous interaction. But the biggest impact is undoubtedly the mother's mental health.

Developmental psychologists have found that babies who interact regularly with depressed mothers show more negative emotions, and some even resist their mothers' efforts to feed them, or even refuse to eat. "Developmental Psychology: The Growth of Children" believes that depressed mothers have three problematic behaviors:

First, mothers are withdrawn and distant. Compared with mothers who are not depressed, they do not often look at and touch their babies. , does not often talk to the baby, and is not very enthusiastic about the baby;

The second is that the mother is too involved in the baby, often disturbing and over-stimulating the baby;

The third is that the mother is not interested in the baby Expected behavior Overreaction and anger.

Will depressed mothers definitely raise children with insecure attachment? The book believes that mental depression itself does not necessarily cause a baby to form insecure attachment. The key factor is how and to what extent depression affects mother-infant interaction? If depressed mothers are sensitive and responsive to their infants' needs, their emotional state does not have a negative impact on their infants' development. In the same way, if the mother can isolate unmarried childbearing, poverty and other unfavorable factors from the mother-infant interaction, the baby can also form a secure attachment.

Intergenerational transmission of attachment

Psychologist John Bowlby proposed that the development of healthy infant attachment in humans goes through four stages: from birth to 3 months, the infant develops Everyone who comes into contact with them transmits a need signal; 3-6 months, babies transmit signals to one or several people with whom they have been in contact the longest, and respond less to unfamiliar people; 6-24 months , true attachment appears, and the baby regards one person, usually the mother, as his "safe base" and follows or sticks to her; after 24 months, an internal pattern is formed, which is often referred to in psychology as the "inner parent" and The relational model of the "inner child".

"Developmental Psychology: Child Growth" states that by the age of 5, most children already have a clear internal model of their mother (or other caregiver), self-model and relationship model. Once formed, these patterns influence children's experiences and interpretations of experiences, as well as memory and attention. Children notice and remember patterns of experience that fit them and discard or forget experiences that do not. Therefore, attachment styles are quite stable.

Bowlby believed that more importantly, patterns influenced children's behavior: children seemed to tend to recreate the mother-infant relationship with each new relationship, and this tendency continued into adulthood. . For this reason, individual ecologists believe that communication difficulties in both adult couples may stem from one of the maladaptive attachment patterns.

The maladaptive attachment model will also create a problem. The "Psychodynamic Case Conceptualization" co-authored by American psychiatrist Cabanis and others puts forward a point of view: Adults with any attachment type People tend to raise children with the same attachment style, a process known as the intergenerational transmission of attachment.

The theory of intergenerational transmission of attachment styles has been proven, at least in my family. The maternal grandfather died when the mother was in infancy, the maternal grandmother was withdrawn and cold, and the mother developed an avoidant attachment style. I also developed avoidant attachment due to my mother's harsh treatment and rejection. Although I am a little softer than my mother and can respond to my daughter more, judging from my daughter's emotions and behavior, she is probably also an avoidant attachment type.

?Good Enough? Mom

Research on mother-infant interaction shows that important factors in establishing secure attachment mainly include two aspects, one is the mother’s emotional accessibility, and the other is Consistency in maternal emotional expression.

The so-called accessibility means that the baby can reach the mother, and the baby's emotional needs can be paid attention to and responded to by the mother. For the infant, the mother's prompt response confirms his sense of presence. Wu Zhihong mentioned in an article that research has found that if the baby sends a signal to the mother, and the mother can respond accurately within 7 seconds, the baby will not feel frustrated. If it exceeds 7 seconds, frustration will occur. If the mother is constantly unresponsive, it creates a hopeless baby.

My mother once told me that when she was a child, she was afraid that I would cling to her. In the cold winter, she deliberately did not hug me when she went to bed at night. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and find that I have pushed the quilt aside. I have no memory of being hugged by my mother. I only remember that when I went out to pull her clothes when I was a child, she would slap her hands away. For me, my mother is just out of reach.

Consistency means that the mother responds consistently and appropriately to the signals sent by the baby. When the baby laughs, she laughs too. When the baby cries, pick him up. Talk to your baby when he makes a sound. Some mothers are overly emotional and can respond appropriately when they are in a good mood. When the baby is in a bad mood, he scolds or even beats the baby when he cries. Therefore, some people have suggested that the best way to raise a child is for the mother to be emotionally peaceful.

There is no perfect mother in the world, but a mother must be as Winnicott said, "good enough". Cabanis says a "good enough" mother ensures that the attention and love she gives her child are neither excessive nor lacking. But this is still a vague standard. What exactly is good enough?

A few days ago, a communication with my daughter who was in adolescence made me understand more about this issue. think. I asked her if she had any warm memories of being with me when she was a child? She said, no, she didn’t even have memories of me hugging her. I just remember when I was doing homework at home in elementary school, I opened the door and came in, feeling cold, she came up to me, and we hugged each other. Because I was too cold, she ducked away and continued to do her homework. I asked again, do you feel fear when you think of me? She replied, no.

Frankly speaking, my daughter’s answer surprised me a little. I think I am "good enough" and try my best to respond to her emotional needs. The emotional expression between mother and daughter is much better than that of the mother's generation. My mother saw the way I interacted with my daughter and thought I was being too spoiled. In my mother's eyes, my heart is good enough, but in my daughter's eyes, there is a blank of warm memories and a cold mother. Therefore, "good enough" is not an objective criterion, just a subjective feeling. Whether it is good or bad is decided by the child, not the mother, nor anyone else.

In my daughter’s infancy, although I did not do it “good enough” and did not allow her to form a secure attachment, she was not afraid of me. I think that's also an amazing form of "generational growth" compared to me always being afraid of my mother. Moreover, I have been working hard to grow up and be confident that I can be a "good enough" mother to my adolescent children.

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