Because I work in the field of early education, I often receive various inquiries from anxious parents. These questions are surprisingly common and actually make it difficult for me to answer:

There are still many, many problems. I always feel that solving them is not something that can be done in a day. After all, it is not possible to solve the problem in a day. Many times, I can only play the role of empathy and comfort, even if I give some suggestions. , is also "for reference only". In the final analysis, it depends on personal cultivation.

Until I met a book.

In the process of reading, I often have to admire each section, or cover up the book to reflect. Questions raised by parents and friends came one after another on weekdays, and I suddenly felt that these questions had a solution, so self-consistent and complete.

I would like to solemnly say the name of this book - "Childhood, the Source of Happiness in Life", written by Edward Hallowell, a professor at Harvard Medical School in the United States. This book reveals the root of a person's happiness - the five-step cycle method. Although it focuses on childhood, I think the view of happiness it constructs is absolutely applicable to many adults. It is recommended that every adult can read in the company of minors. In this way, no matter whether your childhood was happy or not, you can realize that happiness is available by observing and understanding the children around you, no matter what stage of life you are in. .

What is Hallowell's five-step cycle of "the sources of happiness"? The five steps are: connect, play, practice, mastery, and recognition. These five steps begin with connection, go through intermediate links, and are connected with identification links, starting a new round of cycles that last throughout childhood and even throughout life. Each of these five steps is associated with a different quality—a quality we dream of or hope our children will possess. If our children can always grow up in this five-step cycle, or if we can activate this five-step cycle, we will be happy in life and gain all the beautiful qualities such as optimism, confidence, and self-esteem.

Step 1. Connection

Connection is the most important link among the five steps, which drives the positive operation of the entire cycle. To put it simply, as parents, we must give our children unconditional love. Of course, this is not the same as doting, but no matter what difficulties the child encounters, whether he makes mistakes or fails, we let the child feel deeply loved and let the child always know that his parents will not let him do it because of his mistakes and mistakes. body and abandon him. This love is where the child's lifelong sense of security lies.

Connection reminds me of the attachment theory of British psychoanalyst Bobby. What they actually say is: If children can learn a secure attachment relationship and experience a strong sense of connection in the early stages of growth, In the future, we will be able to form a life attitude of "I can do it" and "I want to do it", be brave enough to explore, face up to setbacks, and be positive and optimistic.

Let’s go back and talk about my friend first. During a later in-depth conversation, I learned about her childhood experience. I was deeply shocked and could not recover for a long time. The following is her self-narration:

She told this story very calmly, with no trace of emotion on her face. I felt uncomfortable for several days after listening to it... Connection, for my friend, is a delusion. The family only brought her shame, pretense, no resistance, and darkness. There were very few hugs, greetings, chats, and conversations... and these details were all love and connection. I feel so sad that she hasn't experienced this.

So in order to prevent herself from getting hurt, she must be strong, even if she pretends, she must pretend to be flawless. Her strength is to please her father, her strength is to not go home, her strength is to help her mother fight the divorce lawsuit, and hiding her true emotions in front of others is perhaps part of her strength in disguise. When she was a child, she had no ability to support herself. Pretending to be strong was her rule of survival. When the day came when her wings were full, fortunately, she did not give up on herself. It was just because there was not enough connection in her childhood that she lost the ability to reveal her true emotions.

So, she and I continued to chat, is a childhood abandoned by my father destined to be unhappy? uncertain. Is there hope for a child without love? There must be.

A very important point in the concept of connection is that children do not need to get the love of the whole world, but only need to get a little love, which is enough to create happiness.

Imagine that the mother who is closest to me, if my friend’s mother can bear enough responsibilities, can ask for alimony by herself when she has no money to pay tuition, instead of asking her daughter to pay her father. If the mother can strengthen herself, wake up, and end her marriage early; if the mother can give her daughter ubiquitous care even if she is poor... the sense of connection will also be felt by my friends. Of course, love does not necessarily come from parents, but may also come from schools, teachers, institutions, lovers after re-establishing a family, or even children.

For my friend, many of her loving connections come from her husband, and her inability to express feelings is also her husband’s analysis of her. Now my husband, who is almost 50 years old, and she, who is almost 40 years old, also want a child. I believe this child will bring her greater healing. While she gives her child unconditional love, she learns to be in harmony with her own emotions. Be sincere and take off your pretense.

I also thought that there are many parents who desperately want their children to have the ability to cope with adversity. The effective way is not to artificially create adversity for their children. The Buddha said that "all omissions are suffering", and life itself can give children great things. What parents have to do is to tell their children in times of adversity: You are not alone in facing difficulties. This is connection, which nourishes every moment of children's growth. It is truly a world-shaking power.

Step 2. Play

The next step in connection is play. Nowadays, many parents are of the "chicken baby" group, and there is nothing wrong with that. Happy education and high achievement should not be a set of contradictions. It all lies in the word "balance". The premise of "Chicken Baby" should also be based on the children's interests and wishes. While "Chicken Baby", don't forget to let the children really play.

What is real play? In fact, there is no need to define it in particular, because playing is the nature and instinct of children. When children mess around with flour freely and make themselves look like a white-haired old man, when children put on your high heels and apply lipstick all over their faces as masks, when children The child dismantles your new thing and only the parts are left... All these natural and natural behaviors are play.

In his famous "Flow", Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi used "inner self-experience" (autotelic) to describe people who have internal drive and often experience flow. Hallowell believes that play is an act that allows children to experience flow:

Allowing children to explore and play to their heart’s content? Children experience great satisfaction and creativity through deep involvement. Pleasurable (flow)? The child will continue to play to their heart’s content.

In this way, the peak of happiness will always be rooted in the heart of the child. Happiness itself is a reward. This reward allows the child to gain a steady stream of exploration motivation, and even in the face of frustration, he will naturally Rise, this is called internal drive.

Let’s go back to the problem mentioned by the mother at the beginning. I believe that there is no child who cannot find something he is interested in doing. Every child has it. If not, either the parents are not aware of it at all, or the child has never had the opportunity to play well, to play truly immersed and selfless. It can be said that all interests and dreams are born out of play. Parents can discover their children's interests by observing their children playing.

If children do what their parents want them to do, attend "interest classes", make friends, and read books, they will miss the most important lesson of personality integrity - autonomy and control. If the child has acquired a sense of self, it is inevitable that the child will not be able to find himself when he grows up, and what others want him to do will always be greater than what he is willing to do.

Step 3. Practice

Now that the bonding soil that implies intimacy has been established, and the action of letting the child really play continues, we have come to step 3 - practice.

As mentioned before, interest will arise from playing. With interest, many parents will think about training their children in a professional and systematic direction, which must go through practice.

Therefore, it is not difficult to reach this step in the five-step cycle method, but it is very difficult to cross this step to mastery. Many people have been standing still here. Why is this?

Parents can reflect on themselves. What is your original intention when practicing with your children? Many people (including myself) may think that practice must be "rewarded only after hard work", and must sacrifice happiness and go through a journey of groping in a dark cave with an uneasy mood. So of course, once the interest generated by playing is faced with systematic practice, the child will look at the practice just like we do, feeling that it is a chore, "I can't play anymore" and "I don't want to learn anymore."

Looking back on my own childhood, I had two years of violin learning experience starting from the age of 5. In the eyes of my teacher, I was regarded as a smart child who made rapid progress, but later on, the daily practice homework became too much. I couldn't breathe. The scene was filled with a grumpy mother who was looking forward to her daughter's success, holding a small stick and watching my fingering. I cried every time I practiced, and there were harsh children playing after school outside the window. The sound of play...

Practice never made me feel happy. I struggled every day, repeating "I don't want to learn anymore" 100 times, and spent every day waiting for my mother's nod. The day my mother finally agreed, I jumped up with joy. That excitement really made me sad decades later. If I could see that child, I hope to say to her: You are wrong. Although practicing will be harder, you can still be happy, as long as you love it.

The mother of the piano boy who asked the question at the beginning of the article is probably in the same situation. I hope she will have the opportunity to read this book and reflect on whether she has done anything to accompany her piano. Enough?

So what should parents do to push their children from practice to mastery? Based on my experience as a mother, first of all, don’t instill into your children the self-righteous belief that “practice must be hard work”. Although you don’t say it verbally, your desire to win, your complaints, your irritability...all body language and emotions are telling the child this point of view.

Secondly, do not completely deprive children of their play time. Try to combine practice with the state of play, so that children can happily accept practice with a state of play. There is a lot of knowledge in this. One of the methods is to explore the children's excitement points as much as possible. The more the better, fully amplify these excitement points and let the children realize the fun of practice.

Third, give your children more positive praise and recognition during practice. Recognition will be discussed at the end. Recognition has magical power and is very important. Parents may feel this way. Whenever you express your recognition to your children, the smiles on their faces become filled with a sense of accomplishment. In my opinion, this is also a safe connection. With recognition, they will continue to explore. , desire to study. Of course, recognition is also learned. We recognize children’s actual actions and efforts, not simply praise the results. "Mom saw that you figured out a way to put the blocks together this time, so I told you that you can do it." This kind of recognition is not on the same level as a simple "You are awesome!"

Finally, at this stage of practice, parents must learn to set "small challenge and advanced" tasks for their children. At the beginning of the article, a mother asked her children to strive for first place in everything. There may be many reasons for this: usually, family members overemphasize first place and always tell their children, "Let's see who is first!", which indirectly instills in the children's heart "Can't lose." "The seeds of "; or the child's game does not match his age characteristics, and the child finds it too difficult, and the challenge is meaningless; or the game is too complicated, and the child is confused. In fact, the child's heart always needs a sense of order and organization. , without this foundation, playing will become very constrained, and emotions will explode at a moment's notice.

"Small challenge progression" is actually decomposing tasks. What I find particularly magical is that each small task can be completed in a five-step cycle, which is much easier to achieve. Let the child experience a sense of accomplishment from every task, from practice to mastery, give him recognition, and then gradually increase the difficulty, so that self-confidence and a sense of control can be superimposed. Raising children is really a matter of caution.

But when it comes to us adults, don’t we all understand these principles?

Step 4. Mastery

I finally wrote about mastery, everyone will fall in love with this step! You can think about it, what are the things in the past that you fell in love with, practiced, and finally became proficient in?

If you think about it for a moment, you will be able to appreciate the indescribable energy that mastery brings to people - I'm sorry, that feeling makes me only think about smoking marijuana. After trying it once, I still want to try and try again. As long as a child experiences mastery, he will leap from a timid and fearful beginner to a proactive and confident player.

Maybe you haven’t thought of something you are proficient in? We all tend to think very far and grandly, and we feel that even if we don’t achieve great achievements, we cannot be considered proficient. But in fact, mastery and achievement are two different things. Mastery is a feeling, and achievement is a measure. Mastery is often accompanied by achievement, but not necessarily vice versa. Some people achieve great things in their lives, but rarely experience the moment of mastery.

Hallowell gives an example in the book. For example, when you are in college, your only goal is to get an A in every subject, so you take electives that are easy. Although you can get high scores in every subject, you don't know what mastery means. Another example is that your only goal is to complete a research project, and you only complete a minimum amount of tasks every day. Although you complete the project in the end, you cannot experience the joy of mastery.

I try to recall the feeling of mastery I have experienced since I was a child. Just the memory makes me full of happiness. I try to list some things:

1. Steamed eggs: Haha, from liking to eat, to thinking about zero-failure experience, if you succeed once, you will do it every day, and you also want to share the experience with everyone around you.

2. Drawing maps: I don’t know where this hobby came from. If I can give directions to others, I will be very happy to draw maps. Every time I hear my friends say that I can find them quickly by following your map! I was also inexplicably happy.

3. Practicing yoga: I still remember the excitement and inspiration that the downward dog pose brought me when I pressed my heels on the ground for the first time. What followed was the desire to do yoga every day, all the time. I want to spread out a blanket and do yoga.

You may wish to recall that as long as you think you are happy now, there will be many such "moments of mastery". I think, if children grow up on the road paved by mastering this kind of experience, if every moment they grow up can be filled with a small sense of happiness, what a happy, confident and hard-working child they will be. !

At this time we can’t help but ask, what should parents do if they want to nudge their children to this “realm”? (Or what can we do to make ourselves feel more happy from now on?)

First of all, don’t give your children too many unrealistic expectations. These can easily cause stress and have many potential consequences. The danger is that even if many children complete difficult tasks, they cannot feel joy because harsh requirements and high expectations affect their ability to enjoy mastery. As I write this, I think of the violin lessons I learned when I was a child, and the kid who learned piano at the beginning of the article. Maybe we all have to pay the price of our parents’ high expectations that we couldn’t control at the time.

Secondly, I particularly like what Hallowell emphasizes in the book: The mistake parents and teachers often make is to blindly require children to achieve mastery, but do not guide children to experience the feeling of mastery.

Feel, feel, feel. I still remember that when I took the Positive Discipline certification class, every time the instructor asked me: "How do you feel?" I was speechless for at least 10 seconds. I couldn't think of any words to describe my feelings. Is this the most failed part of growing up for every adult? The saddest thing is that this is probably a very common phenomenon. In addition, parents should not give too many material rewards to their children's proficiency. Mastery itself is the best reward. Parents' material rewards may be more to satisfy the parents' own vanity.

Step 4. Agree

This is the last step. Identification is the last link of the five-step cycle and is very powerful. Just as practice is the bridge between play and mastery, identification is also the strong link between mastery and connection. It not only strengthens mastery, but also leads to deeper connections. From this, every "little luck" can be completed and a new round of growth can be achieved.

Strengthening the level of mastery is easy to understand. When we achieve something small, what can amplify our happiness several times is recognition, and Hallowell particularly emphasizes that, especially when it comes from us Approval from loved ones has a particularly positive impact. Knowing that what you are doing is meaningful to the person you love will give you the motivation to create a closer connection with that person (family, institution).

I thought back on the little moments of raising Arya over the past few years and picked up some fragments. Whenever I recognized her small achievements, I could indeed feel that the energy in her body was amplified. , she will be motivated to practice and show herself spontaneously. Furthermore, I remembered that when I introduced her to a certain activity or group, such as finding an online foreign English teacher for her, what I considered more was not the professional level of the teacher, but whether she loved children. Whether you can connect with your children, only by connecting can the power of identification be amplified. I'm glad that I did this before I read this book.

I went through a lot of twists and turns when choosing a teacher, and I changed a lot, until I met the current one: he was born in early childhood education, knew methods, tolerated all kinds of "restlessness" of children in class, and cleverly I used these "restless things" to become elements of the classroom, teaching in games, and when I discovered that Arya was very dependent on me in class, I told me not to get involved too much... Seeing that the child was making rapid progress, suddenly one day, Arya was in class. Said: I love you Kate! The teacher and I were both taken aback, and were instantly warmed. I realized the power that this kind of connection brings to children. Because of the connection, I became more interested in practicing, and because of the recognition of the teacher I loved, I became more deeply connected with the teacher. This process moved me very much.

Of course, we must be very careful in how we choose to identify. The power of identification is so powerful that it can bring danger. Some children and even adults live completely dependent on the approval of others. Their purpose of obtaining approval is not to connect with others, but to stand out from the crowd and prove that they are better. This is an addiction to approval. They regard approval as a pursuit. The tool of excellent proof is called "Narcissist" in psychology.

There is another extreme recognition, which is that children are taught to be humble from an early age and that enjoying praise is a wrong and selfish behavior. What are the consequences of this? The child will think that it is shameful to be praised. The child will become low self-esteem, passive and unable to feel happiness in many things, and will grow up into a desolate life situation.

Conclusion

Finally, I would like to review the five-step cycle of "Connection? Play? Practice? Mastery? Identity" using Arya's latest hobby - hanging parallel bars.

Usually our family atmosphere and parent-child relationship are pretty good. This is called connection.

Arya has been crazy about playing on the parallel bars for a while. She sees her brothers and sisters hanging on the parallel bars easily every day on the playground. She is very envious and she keeps trying. This is just for fun.

At first, she could not lift her legs to the parallel bars no matter what. I have talked with her several times and analyzed the reasons with her. She concluded: I am not yet 5 years old, my legs are not long enough; I may not have eaten enough and I have no strength. What I summarized for her is: In fact, your legs should be able to reach it, but your abdomen is not strong enough; your body is not stable enough when kicking, so sometimes your legs cannot reach it.

We agreed on a few small tasks ("Small Challenge Progression"): first practice holding a bar firmly with both hands, and if successful, practice using your abdomen to lift your feet to the opposite bar. If you succeed, practice hanging upside down for a while. If you succeed, practice holding your mother or father's thighs and releasing your hands. If you succeed, practice turning over and getting off the bar. I also told her that you may need to practice this until you are called a primary school student! She said happily: No problem!

The above is the process of practice.

Perhaps because she devoted herself to playing (and practicing) every day, she quickly completed the first few small tasks and played different tricks. She was so happy that she wanted to jump up and play every day. When I got home from get off work, I reported on my small progress today, and then went to hang the parallel bars again the next day. I think this is the experience brought by each little mastery, which naturally becomes another reward and an internal driving force. Coupled with the recognition from me and my family every time, it makes her full of energy and continues to work hard. .

Finally, I quote a poem from the short poem "My Heart Jumps" written by the British poet William Wordsworth in 1802 when he was 32 years old:

p>

I hope that our children will have a wonderful childhood, and that every adult can remember the moment when they saw the rainbow for the first time.