Tell my own story. Mom said I cried all the time when I was a child, so I needed a hug. I cried as soon as I put it down. I cried until I was one year old and four months old, and suddenly I stopped crying. I haven't cried much since. I can remember things very early, and the earliest memory is only a few months, but since I can remember things, I have always been a grown-up and occasionally feel like a child.
I never understood. I should be taken good care of. Because my grandparents will never take care of my children, my brother and sister's experience fully proves this. After I was born, my mother simply stopped earning work points and treated me as a full-time mother, which is unique in the countryside. As far as I can remember, I have never been beaten or scolded once, and my parents have never denied my wishes. It seems that I am full of love and freedom, but how can I be so good? Is it because you feel empathy for your parents? But what about my energy? I have a good voice, but I can't sing gradually. I will never dance. Now I can dance intensely.
It was not until one day this year that I had three deep dreams and found five white hairs the next day that I understood what all this was about. It turns out that crying is calling for mom, looking at me, paying attention to me and echoing me. At the age of one year and four months, I suddenly stopped crying. I was desperate and never made this wish again. Being sensible is a deep despair.
When I first fell in love, I had nightmares every night for three years and looked for her, but I couldn't find her. This 1000 nightmare is the embodiment of despair that you want to love but find impossible. It can be seen how deep despair is. But I'm not the deepest kind. After all, I have always dared to pursue, never been knocked down by despair, and never had a desire for love. Too many people make it clear that they will never marry or even fall in love with the people they like. Just looking. This was knocked down by despair.
Not long ago, I went to Fujian to attend Anando's class, and I understood what my mother was like. Because of being attacked by grandparents (mainly grandmothers), being labeled as unfilial by villagers and being discriminated against, she has severe depression. Neither her father nor she could fight, and finally she almost lost her vitality to live. She struggled to survive and take care of us. In this case, it's great that she didn't take it out on the child, let alone take good care of me. Because of this understanding, I have no complaints about my mother, but love and mobility, or vitality, are really gone and I can only live on my own.
Psychoanalysis says that depression is often an outward anger that turns into an inward attack on oneself. That's true for my mother. Every time something happens, she is so angry that she can't move on the kang. My father is also very serious. At the age of 30, he had to swallow his words because of a conflict with his grandfather's milk, and all his teeth fell out. I want to cry every time I think about it. It's called "breaking my teeth and swallowing my blood".
At that time, my father ran to the railroad tracks and tried to commit suicide. He thought of two children (without me at that time) and came back. My family is very abnormal. My uncle died young, and my aunt was tortured to death by my grandmother. Now the family doesn't talk about this family at all. The second uncle gave it away; My father, the third, was severely discriminated against. Fortunately, he didn't live in a big yard, otherwise his mother might have been tortured to death. Uncle and aunt are spoiled.
Finally, my name "Hong" is not because my parents love the country and the party, but because before and after I was born, my father dreamed that he found a ruby in the ground. They thought the moral was particularly good, so they gave it a name. It is true that after I was born, my family began to improve, so they have always been grateful to me and thought that I brought a good family. In fact, they worked very hard and finally accumulated at home.
Do exercises in Mr. Anando's class-go into parents' bodies, understand their hearts and their influence on themselves. I found that my parents, like me, are struggling to live, have no vitality and dare not expect anything-so whenever my father has some savings in a small business, something will happen and he will lose all his money. They don't expect anything from me. Everything about me is one surprise after another for them. Even, they are not allowed to surprise themselves.
It's not that they don't expect me at all. They occasionally tell me that my subconscious has deeply captured their inner words-"Don't have an accident, don't make trouble". The reason is that those who are labeled as unfilial feel that some things can't be solved, and even if something goes wrong, they can't live.
This sentence deeply influenced me. Living in China, I am always in a vague and inexplicable fear, but fortunately, this is not all. Moreover, after all, my parents never punished me, so I still have rebellious mentality. This rebellious spirit is aimed at the filial piety that has influenced China for thousands of years.
I want justice for my parents.
If I can't understand this at all, I may become a philosopher who opposes filial piety. Fortunately, the road of psychology has gradually calmed me down, and I will write more about filial piety in the future, but maybe there will be no anger inside.
The story of China is also the story of China.
Aung San Suu Kyi, the democratic leader of Myanmar, said: In a system that denies basic human rights, fear often becomes a fashion-fear of imprisonment, fear of torture, fear of death, fear of losing friends, family, property or means of livelihood, fear of poverty, fear of loneliness and fear of failure. The most insidious way of fear is to pretend common sense or even wisdom, and condemn the daily brave behavior that helps to preserve self-esteem and noble humanity as stupid, reckless, worthless or trivial.
I found that I have this fear that Aung San Suu Kyi said in my heart. It is pervasive, but it will not conquer me. My parents were really knocked down by this fear. They have lost their vitality, but I want to dissolve it and live my vitality.
I also hope that everyone can understand and be rational. It's really not a good thing On the surface, it brings great benefits to parents, but perhaps deep down, it is fear-"Stop that now, don't have an accident or else ..."