01

Family of origin is a person’s destiny

Everyone has two families in his life. One is the home where we grew up, where we have our father. Mom and brothers and sisters; the other is the family we re-established when we grew up, got married and had a family.

The first family is our family of origin, and when we have children, we become the family of origin of our children.

The famous family therapist Virginia Satir once said: "A person is inextricably linked to his family of origin, and this link may affect him throughout his life. ”

Amma Bhagavan, the founder of Unity University in India, also said: “Most of the interpersonal relationships in life are replicas of the relationship with your parents as a child. All interpersonal relationships reflect the relationship between you and your parents. Relationships, all relationships will truly reflect what happened between you and your parents. ”

In everyone’s life, the earliest, largest, and longest impact on him is his family of origin. From birth, we are constantly influenced by members of the system.

Maybe we can’t see it, but our parents’ ideas, personality traits, behaviors, husband-wife relationships, etc. do influence us in a subtle way.

From a certain perspective, the family of origin does affect a person's life destiny.

02

The number one influence of the family of origin:

Intimacy

In psychology, there is such a theory: We Patterns of intimate relationships, marriages, and emotions often come from the psychological experience of interactions with parents in childhood.

The family of origin is the first place for learning personal emotions, experiences and ways of getting along between the sexes. Whether a person's marriage is happy or not usually has the seeds planted in the family in which he grew up and his childhood experiences.

A person’s missing parts in his or her family of origin often struggle to find them again in adulthood, and even bring them into future love and marriage to find, causing trouble to intimate relationships; When a person is satisfied in his family of origin, it is easy for him to make choices.

Just like Zhang Ailing, a talented girl from the Republic of China, who lacked her father's love since she was a child. She was disgusted, denied, beaten, and even told to die by her father. So when she grew up, she would project her desire for an ideal father on her partner. On the body. Married twice, Hu Lancheng is 14 years older than her, and Lai Ya is 29 years older than her.

Zhang Ailing herself once revealed her views on marriage: "I have always thought that men should be ten years older or more. I think women should be more naive and men should be more experienced. "

The formation of this view of mate selection is actually her pursuit of father's love.

Teacher Zhang Defen once said: "In an intimate relationship, we will unconsciously regard our lover as our childhood parents and continue to complete our unfinished projects with him."

03

The second greatest influence of the family of origin:

Personality traits

Kai-fu Lee said: "Children who grow up in criticism blame others. Children who grow up in fear Older children are often worried. Children who grow up with laughter are shy. Children who grow up with shame feel guilty. "

"Children who grow up with encouragement are confident. Children who grow up with tolerance are able to endure; children who grow up with praise know how to be grateful; children who grow up with recognition like themselves."

A short paragraph tells the difference. What kind of different personality traits will the original family bring to the children.

I know a girl who has been obedient and sensible since she was a child, and has excellent grades. Her parents were very strict with her. If she did anything wrong, they would give her a lesson or even beat her.

The result of this is that she has never dared to communicate with others and has never been able to integrate into the group. Because she has a strong sense of inferiority and insecurity in her heart, she always feels that she is not good enough and is not liked.

Psychologically speaking, it is believed that children’s self-confidence and affirmation of their own value as a person fundamentally come from the unconditional love of their parents.

If a person does not receive enough love in childhood, or finds that his parents' love is conditional. You must be obedient, you must be sensible, and you must do well enough to gain the love of your parents. Then, no matter how great his achievements are in the future, he will always be lacking in his heart.

Therefore, children who have been close to their parents since childhood tend to be more confident and comfortable in interpersonal relationships when they grow up.

On the contrary, children can easily have low self-esteem and have social difficulties.

04

The third major influence of the original family:

Parent-child relationship

I once read a very interesting cartoon. When the child made a mistake, the father picked up the feather duster and was about to hit his son. At this time, the grandfather held his son with one hand, picked up the feather duster with the other and shouted: "How many times have I told you, dad, don't hit your son!"

The most terrifying thing about the original family is this strong continuity. If the trauma we suffered in our family of origin is not healed and grown up, it is very likely that the tragedy will happen again in our own children.

Just like some parents have a bad temper with their children and beat and scold them at every turn. When the child grew up, he swore that he would never get angry with the child. As a result, he could not control his bad mood every time the child did something wrong.

There are also some children who have had a cold relationship with their parents since childhood. When they grow up, they want to be close to their children, but find that their relationship with their children is becoming more and more distant.

This is not because they don’t want to be good to their children, but because they have never experienced a good parent-child relationship in their original family, so they don’t know how to get along well with their children. If you want to change, you must learn and grow over a long period of time.

As Bertou Ushamo, the top international family planning instructor, said: The love that parents can naturally give to their children is usually the love they receive from their own parents.

As a father, if I get a lot of love from my parents, my love for my children will flow naturally; if I don’t get enough love from my own family, then it will be very easy. It is difficult to give love to children naturally.

05

The fourth greatest influence of the family of origin:

Money relationship

Lewis Hay in the book "Reconstruction of Life" Listed some limiting beliefs that “can’t get along with money”, including: money is ugly, dirty, and evil; I am poor, but I am innocent; I will never find a good job and will never make money; make money It's very difficult; I'm not good enough and don't deserve it...

Usually, those who live in material poverty, or who always feel lacking even though they have wealth, mostly have one of the above one or more limiting beliefs.

And these beliefs are often shaped in their native families and growing environment.

Just like some parents who blindly ask their children to be frugal and always tell their children, "It's not easy to make money, just save some money." Over time, it is easy for children to have a strong sense of unworthiness. , Don’t dare to spend money, don’t dare to treat yourself well. I even become very low self-esteem and always feel that I am inferior to others.

There are also some people who have a strong desire to grab money because of some childhood experiences. I always feel that only money can bring me enough security, so I want to get more wealth at all costs.

Just like Zhao Dehan in "In the Name of the People", he embezzled 200 million and did not dare to spend a penny just because he was afraid of poverty.

The meaning of money should be to make people live happier. But for such a person, no matter how much he gets from the outside, it can never fill the inner lack.

06

How to heal the trauma of the original family,

and live out love and strength?

The family of origin will affect a person’s life. If the trauma suffered in childhood is not healed, then we will still be trapped in this restriction as adults, and Falling deeper and deeper, struggling.

Therefore, for the purpose of taking responsibility for oneself and improving the quality of life, healing the trauma of the original family is a very important lesson.

Because whether it is intimate relationships, parent-child growth, your own personality traits, or your relationship with money, a person who has never healed the trauma of his family of origin and got rid of the restraint and control of his parents is destined to be unable to truly be himself. , have their own life.

Fortunately, the pain of the original family is not incurable. There are three births in a person's life.

In the first birth, the union of sperm and egg creates a life; in the second birth, the mother gives birth to us and enters an already existing family system; and in the third birth, It’s about us becoming our own decision makers.

For the first two births, we have no right to choose at all, but for the third birth, we can completely control it.

Everyone spends their whole life searching for their own definition.

Perhaps the road to explore the inner world is far more difficult than the road to the outside world, but we all need some courage to heal the "home" in our hearts.

Go through the love and pain in the original family, reconcile with your inner parents, and then complete your pursuit of happiness and reshape your life.