Many people think that the way for couples to get along is four words: love each other. But in life we ??find that after getting married, as time goes by, many people gradually lose enthusiasm for the lover they were passionately in love with. The sweetheart who was once so perfect in their minds now seems to be just an ordinary person. . There is nothing to say between husband and wife, and the relationship is tasteless, so some people start looking for lovers, and some people get divorced. The mutual affection and love between traditional Chinese couples seems to have become a fantasy and impossible to reproduce. Why do most traditional couples live together until old age, while more modern couples end up getting divorced?
The root cause is that this is the result of the different views of Eastern and Western cultures on marriage and love.
There is a profound tendency of individualism in Western cultural tradition. Ancient Greece lived on a small Apennine peninsula, but there were always many city-states and could not be integrated into one country. This was due to the influence of individualism. Plato's "Utopia" targets such small countries with few people. Pursuing love and building a family, in the eyes of Westerners, are also personal matters and have nothing to do with others or society. Westerners regard love as a sacred thing and believe that love is the most holy and perfect thing among human emotions. Therefore, many people regard obtaining true love as their life purpose. Indeed, in true love, the lover is so perfect, transcending this mundane and dirty world, she is an angel in real life. In comparison, I was so ugly, selfish, and humble, so I had to change myself and make myself pure, selfless, and noble, so that I could be worthy of her. This is the truth of "love makes people noble", "love makes people selfless" and "love makes people transcendent". This kind of emotion is the same whether it is a Westerner or an Easterner, and it is the sublimation of human nature. The meaning of love lies in the expression of the spirit of life, rather than the physical union with the lover. This is why Westerners value love but not marriage. Goethe experienced many loves in his life, so he was full of inspiration and poetry. But every time his emotions reached the extreme, Goethe would run away, and the person he would eventually marry was a very ordinary woman. Dante meets Beatrice, the woman he has been in love with for his whole life, in heaven, not on earth.
Precisely because Westerners value love over marriage and even believe that "marriage is the grave of love", many people feel a huge sense of loss after marriage when their relationship gradually becomes dull. In order to give one's own spirit another object to rest on, so that one can pursue something and improve oneself, "lover" appeared in the West. As for the harm to your spouse caused by this, you can ignore it. I am free to marry and divorce freely. These are my personal freedoms and rights, and others have no right to comment.
This is what "love supremacists" do. As a result, many people now do not understand the true meaning of love, and only regard love as an indispensable and great enjoyment in life. They ask for more and give less. They fall in love more often, and their character becomes increasingly despicable. It is even more meaningless for those who do not hesitate to be the "third party" or "fourth party" in order to satisfy the needs of the flesh, to covet glory and wealth, and for various personal purposes. In the eyes of Westerners, family is just a place where two independent people come together. When union is not possible, marriage is the best option because it "maximizes everyone's interests." Personal interests, freedoms and rights are the most important. Throughout your life, you must ensure that your own rights and interests are fully protected and satisfied. And when the family encounters obstacles in this regard, the family should be dissolved and separated from the family. The cultural tradition of Western individualism is fully exposed in the matter of marriage. It is not surprising that people in our country today, who are eager to become Westernized, have the same idea and act the same way, leading to an increasing divorce rate and reaping the consequences.
Chinese culture’s views on marriage and love are different from those in the West. Chinese people never believe that love is the only and highest goal in life. Love is wonderful, but there is indeed something far beyond love in life. Family, country, and the world are all beyond the love of one person. Marriage is not just a matter between two people, but a matter that affects everyone, including children, parents, relatives, and the nation.
I say this. From today’s perspective, we must denounce traditional Chinese marriage as “feudal ethics that bind human nature” and “ethics kill people.” This kind of view is actually caused by the great misunderstanding of the traditional culture of the motherland by modern Chinese people. Chinese culture is a mass culture, and it is believed that no one can exist alone without the social crowd.
Without a large group, how can there be an individual? If the skin is gone, how will the hair be attached? In the history of ancient and modern times, at home and abroad, has any person achieved "maximization of personal interests" without being separated from the society in which he lives? Today's Chinese people, influenced by Western cultural individualism, always believe that the country and society are obstacles to the realization of personal interests. They always believe that only individuals who are above the group can have equality, independence and freedom. This is so short-sighted and shallow. The ancient Chinese were far-sighted, so Chinese culture particularly encourages everyone to be moral, so that personal cultivation can gradually move away from selfish desires and reach a state of selflessness. This is the meaning of "the world is for the common good" mentioned in the "Book of Rites·Liyun".
But on the other hand, although its goal is the Grand Duke, its foothold is each individual himself. The lofty and beautiful ideals can only be realized if everyone in the society practices them personally. Only by being self-reliant can one build others, and only by achieving oneself can one reach others. Therefore, Chinese culture has a special independent spirit and believes that "everyone can be like Yao and Shun" and "that person is the same as me, and those who have done something can also be like this." It emphasizes that everyone should start from themselves and the things around them, step by step to make the family harmonious, the neighborhood harmonious, the country peaceful and the people safe, and ultimately enable all ethnic groups and all countries in the world to live in peace and harmony, so as to achieve long-term peace and stability. , the goal of world peace. This is what the Chinese often say about cultivating one’s moral character, regulating one’s family, governing the country, and bringing peace to the world. "From the emperor to the common people, all are based on self-cultivation." It can be seen that the Chinese have a holistic and harmonious view of society. They see that the purpose of social development is to enable everyone to express their own personality. , use your talents to make everyone happy in life; at the same time, we deeply understand that in order to effectively protect everyone's interests and happiness, the country and society must be peaceful, just and harmonious, which is the basis of personal interests. Premise and foundation. Only when there are everyone, can there be a small family; only when there is a large group, can there be an individual. This is not empty talk, it is true.
Reflected in marriage and family, it is what Chinese culture calls "ritual". Husbands and wives should not only love each other, but also guide them with etiquette. Etiquette is not only politeness, but more importantly, both husband and wife must have a sense of responsibility, including to the family, to others, and to society. At the same time, both husband and wife must also have self-respect and independent personality.
Husbands and wives are the most intimate of all interpersonal relationships. They live in the same room and die in the same hole. But if the relationship between husband and wife is only maintained by emotion, the foundation of the marriage will not be solid. No one can exist alone without society. If a couple only sees their lover and no one else, then they are just putting themselves outside the entire society. Can their lives be happy? Of all human emotions, love is the most easily overflowing and irrational. Leading family life with etiquette is to prevent love from overflowing like a flood and causing harm to both husband and wife and other people. Etiquette, like a dam on a river bank, is intended to make the torrent of emotions flow in a reasonable and orderly channel. Etiquette is not meant to constrain feelings; on the contrary, etiquette makes feelings more secure and makes the flower of love more gorgeous and fragrant. The Chinese say: "What starts with emotion, ends with etiquette." This is exactly the truth. When it comes to handling emotions, isn't the Chinese way more humane, scientific, and reasonable than Westerners?
Liang Hong and Meng Guang of the Han Dynasty treated each other with eyebrows and treated each other with respect. Zhang Chang, a man from the Tang Dynasty, painted his wife's eyebrows every day, and said that the joy of the boudoir was even greater than this. The traditional Chinese marriage system makes the relationship between husband and wife long, deep, graceful and full of emotions. Its lingering and pathos is indeed even worse than that in the West. For example, Wang Shifu's "The Romance of the West Chamber: Leaving the Palace": "The sky is blue, the ground is yellow, the west wind is strong, and the wild geese flying from the north to the south. Who comes at dawn and gets drunk in the frost forest? People always leave in tears. Meeting each other with hatred is too late, and resentment returns quickly." The willow silk is so long that it is difficult to tie it to the jade, and I wish it could catch the rays of light in the sparse forest." He Zhu of the Song Dynasty wrote in "Half-Dead Tong": "Everything has gone wrong after we have passed through the Chang Gate. What can we do if we come together and return differently? After the parasol tree is half-dead and clear of frost, the white-headed mandarin ducks fly away without their companions." Today, most people believe that the traditional marriage system is the product of feudal ethics. The saving grace is that the traditional marriage system is full of resentful couples? Is this true according to the above examples? Are those who get married in modern free love necessarily a good couple? Under the influence of modern individualism, both men and women often have the mentality of "if they work together, they stay, and if they don't work together, they break up." They do not sincerely devote themselves to each other, do not consider their own responsibilities as husbands and wives, and just blindly emphasize their own feelings and Requirements, the happiness between husband and wife is probably less than the ancients, not more than the ancients.
Husband and wife are the first among the five moral relationships (husband and wife, father and son, brothers, monarch and minister, and friends). The five ethics are the most closely related relationships in any person's life. If the five ethics are handled well, all other interpersonal relationships can be handled well, and the greatest happiness in life is based on this.
The Five Ethics requires everyone to fulfill his or her own responsibilities, such as father is kind and son is filial, brother, friend and brother are respectful, the king is benevolent and the minister is loyal. The same is true for both husband and wife. The husband has his responsibilities, and the wife has his wife's responsibilities. Outside the husband, he has to start a family, support the family, shoulder his social responsibilities, and strive to take the world as his own responsibility; inside the wife, she has to be filial to her parents-in-law, educate her children, and take care of the housework. Although women are now widely employed and husbands often do housework, and the division of labor between men and women does not need to be so clear-cut, both husband and wife have their own responsibilities and cannot shirk the responsibility. This is the same in ancient times and today. If everyone can fulfill their duties, the family will be harmonious; if the family is harmonious and happy, both husband and wife will be happier and cherish each other more, and the relationship between them will be stronger. There is me among you, and you are between me, like glue and paint. Isn’t this the further sublimation of love? Etiquette does not bind feelings, but makes them more secure.
If a husband fulfills his responsibilities as a husband and a wife fulfills her responsibilities as a wife, she will win the respect of the other party. If the husband knows that his wife is a good wife and mother, he can safely take care of the family affairs without any worries; if the wife knows that her husband is a gentleman, she feels that she has a lifelong trust and cherishes this connection and this family. In this way, the cohesion of the family will be greatly enhanced. When two people work together, their sharpness can break through metal. This unity comes from mutual respect. Everyone will admire the people they respect and will not give up easily. Who has ever seen a devout believer give up his leader so easily, or a studious student give up his mentor so easily? Both husband and wife think that the other person is a respectable person who has made great sacrifices for the family. They will feel grateful and repay their kindness. They hope to stay with each other for a long time. How can they have the idea of ??giving up or divorce before it is too late? That’s why the Chinese say that husband and wife should “respect each other as guests” and “love and respect each other endlessly”. The respect between husband and wife is not the courtesy between strangers, but the admiration and following psychology based on respect for each other's personality. This is another sublimation of love.
Most people today think that love is all that is needed between husband and wife, and there is no need for respect. If you just like the other person but have no respect for the other person, wouldn't it mean that you treat the other person like a kitten or puppy? You can play with your pets and abandon them when necessary; you can also play with your loved ones and abandon them if necessary without heartache. Such is the mentality of only loving without respect. If the husband fails to fulfill his responsibilities, the wife will not dare to rely on her for life, so she asks to leave at any time; if the wife fails to fulfill her responsibilities, the husband will regard her as a burden, so he is willing to give her up and marry again. Modern people sing about human rights and freedom and seldom mention responsibilities and obligations. The same is true for the relationship between husband and wife in the family. As a result, there is less true love, less respect, less following, less staying together, more divorces, more breakdowns, more indifference, and more hurt between husband and wife. . In a person's life, the closest relationship is between a husband and wife. If a husband and wife get along so ruthlessly, how can there be any happiness in life? Isn’t it obvious that the evils of modern individualism are profound and widespread?
Between husband and wife, love alone is not enough.
1 Stop being such a jerk. Stop pretending to be the same as a saint (saint) in front of the one who loves you. You are a couple, not outsiders. Just act cool outside. When you go home, you have to act like a person. Don't be a stinker.
After a long time, your wife (husband) keeps away from you, is there still love?
2 More economic discussions are needed. Even though you are married and living together, don't regard the money in the other person's wallet as your own money. Money is money, and love is love. Does it mean that it is love when she (he) gives all his salary to you? Then your love is too superficial. It is not a matter of course that whoever is the husband or wife should control the money in the family. It should be discussed and dealt with. Whoever knows how to manage finances should manage it. These days, with the economic crisis, it is difficult for anyone to make some money. If you don’t know how to manage money and you have to rush to do it, you will end up making a mess at home. Hehe, the young couple was quite quarrelsome.
3 Be diligent. People born in the 1980s have a common problem, which is laziness. Some buddies and sisters are so lazy that they have maggots growing on their bodies, so there is nothing they can do. Now that we are living together, please be more diligent. Don't engage in hegemony at home. Do nothing yourself and rely on the other person for everything. You may even say: If you don't do such and such, you don't love me. Isn't this nonsense? If I love you, I must help you wash and cook. Then you might as well hire a chef or a laundryman to take care of you.
4 Don’t nag. Nagging was a common thing for people who got married in the last century. Those born in the 1980s who got married in the 21st century should not learn this "good tradition". Isn't it enough to be criticized and looked down upon outside every day? When you come back, you insist on nagging me about trivial matters all the time, which annoys you to death. It might directly affect the quality of life, which we don’t want to see.
5. He is hesitant to speak.
Don't think that you can say anything after you get married. There are some things that you can or would rather not say, such as: So many people were chasing me back then, why did I fall in love with you, a loser? Wait, wait, idiot, if you are attracted to a loser, who are you? If it gets too long and you can't even handle the wimp, then you're doomed.
6 Don’t chew on the old. What is most popular in the 21st century is chewing the old. Haha, this is something that has been unheard of in China for thousands of years. If Confucius knew anything about it, he would probably blow his nose and stare in the ground, shouting: It is unreasonable to violate morals and customs. Fashion is fashionable, so we don’t want to imitate it. As *** said, do it yourself and have enough food and clothing. The young couple has hands and feet, but they have to rely on the elderly to support them. If word spreads, you two are like mice crossing the street outside, and everyone calls for beating.
7 Be diligent and thrifty. People born in the 1980s have been like babies at home since they were young. Parents hold them in their hands for fear of flying away, and hold them in their mouths for fear of melting. They are all as lumpy as babies. They have never suffered, so they don’t know that money is hard-earned. Especially after working, I spend my money extravagantly, without any sense at all. I am often rich at the beginning of the month and poor at the end of the month. I would like to remind my friends and sisters here that you should be more frugal, otherwise you will find yourself in trouble when something big happens. No money at all. Then you two haven't had any quarrel.
Observe the "Three Major Disciplines"
The first is not to interfere with the other party's freedom.
The post-80s generation was born after the reform and opening up, so in addition to accepting traditional Chinese ideas in their lives, they also absorbed some of the ideas of freedom, equality and freedom, which were reflected in their marriage relationships. Just don’t interfere with the other person’s freedom.
Yes, two people fell in love and entered the palace of marriage, but getting married does not mean that the other party is your private property. The other party is first and foremost an individual with basic rights and freedoms. If you, as a husband or wife, interfere with the other person's freedom of dating activities, it will arouse the other person's resentment. It may not matter once or twice, but if you always do this, prepare to collect the corpse for love. Maybe the other person will still live with you under the same roof in the future, but they will be with you more because of life than because of love. In fact, as long as the other person still loves you and has not done anything sorry for you such as cheating, why should you interfere with other people's freedom?
The second item is to dare to admit your mistakes and be good at forgiving.
No one is a saint, and no one can make mistakes. No one in this world is absolutely correct. This is especially true for a young couple living together. Each one of them will make some small mistakes in the trivial matters of making firewood, rice, sauce, vinegar, oil, salt, and tea every day. At this time, the other party must be good at forgiving mistakes, and you must be brave enough to admit your own mistakes.
Don’t always listen to what the older generation says, and don’t bow to her (him), otherwise you will have a hard time in the future. If you are always lenient to yourself, strict with others, refuse to acknowledge your own mistakes, and don't remember them, if the other party makes a small mistake, you will recite it every day and all the time, for fear that the other party will not know that you are wrong. If it goes on for a long time, the other party will promise that they won’t even dare to enter the house. If you don’t believe it, try it.
The third item is don’t make the other person feel lonely.
Most of the children born in the 1980s are only children. For only children, they grew up in a reinforced concrete forest. Neighbors never interacted with each other until old age and whether they had brothers or sisters. Therefore, the children born in the 1980s grew up in a reinforced concrete forest. People have a sense of loneliness deep in their hearts, afraid of being forgotten by others and encouraged by the world.
Others may forget it, but as her (his) favorite person, if you wander off somewhere when he (she) is lonely, and you can't even find him, There is no call, which shows how lonely and helpless she (he) will be. Therefore, never let the person who loves you be lonely. Even if something happens, let him (her) know that you are keeping him (her) in your heart.