The reason is that some alienated ways of communication are so common in life that it is difficult to find them without careful experience.
The so-called "alienated communication mode" refers to:
In some languages and expressions, although we are committed to satisfying or expressing some good wishes, we actually ignore the feelings and needs of others, which leads to alienation and harm to others without knowing it.
The first situation is moral evaluation.
Many people are used to judging others by moral standards, not by value. There is a movie "I am not Pan Jinlian", which tells the story of a woman who keeps petitioning people who say that she is Pan Jinlian (Pan Jinlian = bad woman) to apologize and restore her reputation.
The judgment of good people and bad people in language is based on moral judgment. Those who conform to the moral standards under the social conditions at that time are called "good people", and vice versa. There are only good people and bad people in a child's heart. At one stage, our society also made a black-and-white moral judgment. As we grow older, we find that what good people do is not necessarily a good thing, and what bad people do is not necessarily a bad thing, so we have a gray thinking mode, which is what we perceive, because many different people make up a colorful world.
Being inarticulate is an idiom, but sometimes "being inarticulate" is not because it is untenable, but because it is inarticulate or kidnapped by specious morality. Sometimes "you accuse me of being wrong, but you can't prove that you are right".
The International Institute for Violence Research found that the more moral judgments there are in a regional language, the more frequent violent incidents will be.
The second is comparison. The ubiquitous comparison in life is also a kind of judgment, not an objective description of the facts. There is a book called "Let yourself lead a miserable life". The author humorously reveals the influence of comparison on our lives and pointedly points out the harm of comparison. There is a humorous description in this book: If you really want to live a miserable life, compare with others.
There is a saying about happiness: happiness means earning more than brother-in-law. Some people regard comparison as a source of happiness. The result is likely to be "living a miserable life", and "having more things than last time" will only comfort yourself for a while, but will not feel happy for a long time.
People nowadays compare many things:
The first is figure, and the second is achievement; The third is money.
The third is to evade responsibility. The use of words like "have to" and "you let me" makes excuses for failure, while diluting personal responsibility and ignoring the internal roots of our emotions.
Let's take a look at some scenes of evading responsibility.
All these excuses and reasons are to leave room for "I am good" and avoid responsibility.
Once when Dr. Marshall was consulting, a lady said, I have to cook. I hate cooking. I'm full. When Marshall asked her not to cook as much as she wanted, his family said, Thank God, maybe she can finally stop complaining while eating.
Another teacher said that he hated grading because it made students nervous, but when Marshall suggested that he change "I have to" to "I choose", he said that I chose grading because I wanted to keep my job. He was shocked by his statement.
Through this expression, we find that we have not actually thought about the real benefits of doing something. The real reason is that we have benefited (it is difficult to detect and discover, and subconscious decisions are generally for your own good), not because we hate it and have to do it.
The fourth situation is that people are forced to do things. Our demands on others often imply threats: if we don't cooperate, they will be punished. In our society, this is a common means of the strong. This kind of alienated communication holds that some behaviors deserve to be rewarded and some behaviors must be punished. This idea is embodied in the word "should".
For example, "they should be punished for everything they do." The deep thought of this idea is that some people are bad people and should be punished to make them regret and start over.
We unconsciously fall into alienated communication, just as we say that it is difficult for us to achieve "unity of knowledge and action". We know that we are doing the right thing, but we do the opposite of the right idea (inexplicable power).
Celebrity question: "Your mother and I fell into the river at the same time. Who will you save first?" If you save my mother first, you won't love her. If you save her, you are "unfilial" and you have to bear the moral judgment. When this scene really appears, you will make your own judgment. At this time, you must be "knowing and doing in one", because your behavior must be in line with your subconscious, so "consciousness" does not decide anything, and the subconscious is the "elephant" that guides our actions.
Facing the influence of alienated communication, how can we think to avoid these pits?
Moral evaluation, judging by value; Know your own values and worldview. When we judge others with good or bad, we should carefully understand our own views.
When we are dissatisfied with ourselves or others, do we realize this comparison? Compare other people's bodies, achievements, money, and …, and the result is that you have to live a miserable life.
When we are saying things like "I have to" and "you let me", let's think back at the same time, whether we have evaded our responsibilities. Don't shirk your responsibility, just change these words into "I choose" and subconsciously explore what you really care about. What benefits do you get from it? You can see the real intention of doing these things, that is, consciously "seeing" the subconscious.
When using "should think" (also called "rigid thinking"), we should see whether these judgments include the judgments of good people and bad people. Do we succumb to authority and tend to follow it, which leads us to judge whether the observed situation is good or bad, right or wrong, instead of focusing on our own feelings and needs?
Always be aware of these languages and the ideas, concepts and ideas behind them (where do they come from? Maybe it's social morality, maybe it's "authoritative expectation", maybe it's a famous saying that you know what it is but you don't know why. For example, after years of misinformation, "no husband" has become "no husband" and has become the creed of many people. ), showing what is behind these things is the beginning of change. It may be painful to produce "new experiences" through conscious "observation", but growth must be happy.