1. If I get along with others in a masked way and maintain a surface that is different from my inner experience, it will not help others or myself at all.
Rogers said: "When I am angry and dissatisfied, it is useless to pretend to be calm and friendly; it is useless to pretend to understand; at a certain moment, I am actually full of enthusiasm. It is no use pretending to be a kind person when you are hostile; it is no use pretending to be very confident when you are actually scared and lacking confidence.
In short, when I feel. There is no benefit in being uncomfortable and pretending that everything is fine. In fact, most of the mistakes I have made in my personal relationships, most of the situations in which I have not been helpful to others, can be explained by one fact. Explain that for some reason of self-defense, my superficial behavior is contrary to my actual feelings."
2. When I listen to myself with an attitude of acceptance, when I can be myself. , I feel like I will be more effective. In other words, as long as I accept my true existence, I can change and transcend my current existence, which will also lead to real relationships.
Rogers said: “I feel like I’ve learned to listen to myself more truly, to the point where I’m more aware than I was in the past of what I’m feeling at a given moment—awareness that I’m Angry, or really feeling that I am rejecting someone; or feeling full of enthusiasm and friendship for someone; or being uninterested and bored with what is going on; or I am eager to understand someone; or I am eager or afraid to be with someone Build relationships.
I have found that when I am willing to accept these feelings as well as feelings of warmth, interest, generosity, and friendliness, my relationships with others become real and natural, and I can continue to grow. Only in this way can we change smoothly. ”
3. Allowing yourself to understand others is of great value. At the same time, understanding enriches itself in a twofold way.
Rogers said: "Our first reaction to most statements we hear from others is to directly evaluate or judge it, rather than to understand it.
When a person expresses a certain feeling, attitude, or belief, we tend to think without thinking: 'That's right'; 'That's stupid'; 'That's abnormal'; 'That's unreasonable' ';'That's wrong';'That's unkind'.
We rarely allow ourselves to carefully understand what his statement means to him personally. I think, This is because understanding carries the risk that if I allow myself to truly understand another person, I may be changed by that understanding. ”
Understanding works in a double way. way to enrich yourself.
When I work with clients who are in pain, I enter and try to understand their strange world, to understand and recognize the feeling that life is too miserable to bear," Rogers said. attitudes, understanding that feeling of inferiority and uselessness - each understanding enriched myself in some way
What I learned from these experiences in various ways changed me. , makes me different, and makes me a more relatable person.
Perhaps more importantly, my understanding of these people changes. This understanding allows them to accept their fears and outlandish thoughts, their feelings of misfortune and frustration, and their important moments of courage, kindness, love, and sensitivity.”
4. Open up. , creating a safe atmosphere so that others can share their feelings and their private perceptual world with me is meaningful whether it is a counselor, teacher, or group manager or leader.
5. Accepting the client and truthfully accepting his feelings, attitudes and beliefs as a real and vital part of him will help him become an individual.
In a sense, everyone is an island in himself; only if he is willing to be himself and is allowed to be himself can he build bridges with other islands.
6. The more I am open to my own truth and the truth of others, the more I will respect the complex process of life and the less likely I will have the urge to "arrange everything."
“If I don’t do something to others, if we don’t shape others according to our goals, if we don’t give others what we think they should learn, if we don’t force others Thinking and feeling like we do, what is left in life?
How can anyone hold such a negative view? I believe many people will have such an attitude and reaction. < /p>
However, there is a paradoxical aspect in my experience, that is, in the complex real life, the more I simply hope to be myself, the more I hope to understand and accept myself and others. The inner truth is the more likely it is to inspire more changes - if each of us is willing to be his true self, to the same extent as this desire, he will find that not only himself is changing; but also those who are related to him People also change. ”
7. I can trust my own experience.
“As long as an activity feels like it is worth doing, then it is worth doing. In other words, I have learned that my overall physical feelings about a situation are more important than my intellectual More trustworthy. ”
8. Experience is the highest authority and the touchstone of certainty.
Personal experience is the basis of authority, which can always be tested in a new and fundamental way. In this way its common errors or fallacies are always given the opportunity of self-correction.
9. Enjoy the fun of discovering patterns through experience.
It is my curiosity for meaning or regularity that guides me in every important theoretical formulation; it guides me. . . It led me to systematically summarize the principles that seemed to have a universal role in psychotherapy, led me to theoretically construct various orders and regularities that I experienced, and put these regularities into new areas that have not yet been explored. , for further inspection.
10. Facts are always friendly.
Being close to the truth is never a harmful, dangerous, or unpleasant thing. So, although I still hate adjusting my thoughts and having to give up my old ways of seeing and thinking; but on a deeper level, I have come to realize to a certain extent that this painful The transformation process is what we often call learning. Although painful, learning allows us to see life in a more authentic and therefore more satisfying way.