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Interpretation of the book "Human Weakness"

Carnegie's "Human Weakness", this is a very classic social guidance book, known as the "Bible" of social psychology and communication skills.

We all know that interpersonal skills are important, but how important are they? As early as the 1930s, the Carnegie Teaching Foundation discovered a rule: only 15% of a person's achievements are achieved by professional ability, and the other 85% depend on personality characteristics and leadership abilities. This rule is still valid even in industries that require relatively high professional skills.

No matter what kind of job you have, you will need some skills to improve your interpersonal skills. Carnegie's "Human Weaknesses" is the best reference book to help you solve this problem.

01 About "Human Weakness"; About Carnegie

If you are interested in interpersonal relationships, I suggest you read this book "Human Weakness", because this book This book can be said to be the originator of books on interpersonal relationships. If you get a headache when you hear the word "interpersonal relationships", I also recommend that you read this book "Human Weaknesses", because this book will definitely Make real changes to your current relationship situation.

"Human Weakness" was first published in 1937. It became popular all over the world as soon as it was published. Within decades, it was translated into almost all major languages ????in the world, with a total global sales volume of 150 million copies. Carnegie's thoughts and views have changed the fate of many, many people, including many celebrities you are very familiar with, such as: Edison, the king of invention, Einstein, the originator of the theory of relativity, Mahatma Gandhi of India, and Walt, the father of "Mickey Mouse" ?Disney, Taiwan’s plastic king Wang Yongqing, McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc, etc.

The author Dale Carnegie is the founder of modern interpersonal relationship education in the West and is known as "the greatest spiritual mentor and success master of the 20th century." The New York Times commented on Carnegie this way - "Aside from the Statue of Liberty, Carnegie is a symbol of the United States."

However, such a spiritual mentor who has influenced more than 100 million readers around the world, his life experience is also It didn't start off smoothly.

Carnegie grew up in a poor family and suffered from chronic malnutrition. His clothes were always patched and he was often teased. By adolescence, Carnegie hoped to win recognition by becoming an athlete on the baseball field. The problem is, he has no athletic ability, so he can only stand on the sidelines and watch the game. Later, he discovered that those who are good at public speaking, what we call "opinion leaders" today, can also win public recognition. So Carnegie clarified his ambition and began to learn public speaking.

But unfortunately, Carnegie did not have a talent for speaking. He once participated in 12 consecutive speech contests and failed without exception. When he was most disappointed, he almost committed suicide. It wasn't until he participated in the speech contest for the 13th time that he finally won the school's trophy. This small success was an important turning point in his life. He officially embarked on the path of speech. Someone specifically counted it and said that Carnegie I have listened to 150,000 speeches, which is really an astonishing number.

You may be wondering, since Carnegie is a master of success, he must inevitably write a lot of Chicken Soup for the Soul, right? In fact, not only you, I have also had this doubt. I remember when I was in college, the school included this book in the required reading list. I was quite disdainful, thinking that it must be a lot of nonsense. Until one day, I accidentally flipped through a few pages and realized that I had misunderstood the book. As Carnegie himself wrote in the preface, this book is a "book of action" that is used to guide everyone's practice.

But he does not teach you how to make money or become famous, but teaches you step by step how to create better interpersonal relationships in your life, and his methods are the simplest and most pragmatic. . Why did Carnegie write this book? It’s quite interesting to say.

In 1925, the University of Chicago and another university conducted a joint survey on what knowledge adults most wanted to learn. The survey results show that adults are most interested in health issues first, and interpersonal relationships second. As a result, the university hired Carnegie to offer a course specifically on interpersonal relationships.

Since the course is about to start, there must be textbooks. Carnegie searched and searched but could not find a systematic and specific textbook on interpersonal relationships. So, he immediately decided: Why not write a textbook myself? That's why this book "Human Weaknesses" is called the originator of books on interpersonal relationships.

The reason why I want to interpret the book "Human Weakness" is because it has a particularly good angle. Carnegie unearthed some of the most common weaknesses that people have, and first allows you to fully understand yourself. and others, and then teach you how to transform yourself, which is very targeted.

This book talks about how to have a good relationship with your partner and create a happy family life; it also talks about how to get along with strangers so that others can quickly trust you and help you; and how to work at work. get along with colleagues, etc.

In Chapter 1, Carnegie first proposed three basic skills in interpersonal communication, which are -

①Don't criticize and accuse

②Be sincere Pay close attention to others

③Stimulate the needs of others

These three basic skills are very important. The entire book can be covered in these three techniques. Next we will look at them one by one.

02 Don’t blame or criticize others casually, even your partner

Because criticism can be very damaging to your interpersonal relationships. This is a reason. There is another very important reason, please listen carefully: No matter who they are, no matter what they have done wrong, no matter how serious the mistake is, in most cases, they will not blame themselves, let alone easily Accept criticism. This is a weakness of human nature. Therefore, Carnegie suggested that it is best not to criticize others.

Former US President Lincoln suffered such a loss. Carnegie spent ten years studying the great American president and wrote a book about Lincoln. Carnegie discovered that when Lincoln was young, he was particularly fond of criticizing and sarcastic others, and Lincoln was very eloquent, so these sarcastic remarks sounded particularly heartbreaking.

Lincoln was a professional lawyer who often publicly criticized his opponents in newspapers. Once, he sent an anonymous letter to a local newspaper, lampooning a local politician. The newspaper published the article, and the politician immediately became the laughing stock of the entire city. The politician was very angry and approached Lincoln to challenge him to a duel. In terms of marksmanship, Lincoln couldn't compare to others, but in order to save face, he had no choice but to bite the bullet and agreed. Fortunately, their friends arrived at the scene in time, otherwise, Lincoln would probably have died from the other party's gun.

This was the most painful lesson in Lincoln's life, and it almost cost him his life. From then on, Lincoln never criticized or satirized anyone or anything again.

Therefore, Carnegie said, "Criticism is like a boomerang, always coming back to hurt ourselves. Because those who are criticized like to defend themselves and fight back with equally fierce accusations."

The same is true in married life. If you want a happy marriage, don't criticize your partner casually. There is an interesting saying: You have to think clearly about whether what you want in marriage is happiness or correctness.

Britain once had a prime minister named Gladstone. At work, Gladstone had a bad temper. When he met people with whom he disagreed with his political views, he would often quarrel until his face turned red. But his family life is very happy.

Gladstone has been married for more than sixty years and often holds his wife's hand to sing and dance together. He is also very amiable to other family members. Sometimes he gets up early in the morning to work, and before everyone gets up, he sings hymns loudly downstairs to remind family members that it’s time to get up! No matter what bad things happened at work, he never allowed himself to take his temper home with him.

The same was true for Catherine the Great of the Russian Empire in the 18th century. During her reign, she was in charge of the largest empire in the world. Politically, she was a ruthless monarch. She even launched some wars that did not achieve victory or progress, and she was not merciful when sending her enemies to the execution ground. It is such a queen who holds the power of life and death, but she is extremely tolerant towards the chefs in her palace. The chef accidentally burned the rice, but the Queen never got angry and just finished the meal silently with a smile.

They are not naturally good-tempered, but they have made great improvements and restraint in family relationships.

Maybe you have to say, these are the stories of great people and celebrities. How can ordinary people restrain themselves from criticizing others?

Many people believe that when criticizing children or partners, they should praise first and then criticize. But in fact, no matter how much praise you lay out in front of you, people will always remember the last one or two criticisms.

For example, listen to this example. Your husband has never sent you flowers, but this time for your birthday, he took the initiative to buy you a bouquet of flowers. You might say, "Well, I did pretty well this time. I knew I had to send flowers, but I don't know if I can continue to do it in the future." You see, it was actually a very happy thing. It also paved the way for praise. Just because of a "but", all the happiness and praise were wiped out.

Carnegie tells you that all the problems are solved by just changing one word.

Which one should I change? Replace “but” with “and.”

Let’s go back to the scene just now and feel it again: “Well, you behaved well this time. I know you have to send flowers, and if you can often send flowers to me in the future, I will be very happy. ”

Just replace “but” with “and”. Do you feel something different immediately? Praise has been given, and your demands have been expressed reasonably.

Speaking of this, some classmates will definitely say to me, "Teacher Li, Carnegie's method is too Buddhist. If someone really makes a big mistake, it will cause me heavy losses." "How can I endure not criticizing or blaming?" If you really have to point out other people's mistakes, please remember to talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. This method is very important and I have personally tested it to be effective.

03 Before criticizing the other party, talk about your own faults first

Carnegie had a niece named Josephine. When Josephine was 19 years old, in order to accumulate some work experience, she went to Worked as assistant to Carnegie in New York. At the beginning, Josephine was very unskilled in her business, so she often made mistakes.

One day, Carnegie couldn't stand it anymore and wanted to criticize his niece. But before criticizing, he restrained himself. Because he thought, he was older than Josephine and naturally had more work experience than her. How could he use his own vision and ability to demand someone who had just started working? Besides, when I was 19 years old, I often did stupid things and was worse than my niece. And you have never praised her, and you even want to criticize her.

After this psychological battle, Carnegie figured it out. From then on, every time he wanted to remind his niece of his mistakes, he would talk about his own mistakes first. He would say, "Josephine, you didn't do it right. However, your little mistake is not the same as what I did before." The mistakes you made are nothing in comparison. You are already much better than I was when I was young, so I am not qualified to criticize anyone. But think about it, if you deal with this matter this way, the effect will be better. What? ”

Of course, in life, many people may not want to talk too much about their mistakes due to face. But in fact, as long as you get over the hurdle in your heart and admit frankly that you are not perfect and make mistakes, you can prompt the other party to re-examine their behavior. So, when you really have to point out the other person's fault, remember to point out your own fault first.

This is the first basic method that Carnegie told us to improve our interpersonal skills: don’t criticize and accuse others. If you must criticize, do it carefully and it’s best to talk about your own faults first.

04 Establish interest in others and pay sincere attention to others

The New York Telephone Company once conducted a survey to study which words were used most frequently in daily phone calls. The result is the word "I". In the 500 calls they investigated, the word "I" was used more than 3,900 times. No matter what the other person is saying, everyone can bring the conversation back to themselves.

Think about it again, when you take a photo with your best friend, who is the first person you look at?

Of course, don’t feel embarrassed. Carnegie said that all people really care about is themselves, and this will never change, whether now or in the future. Because this is real human nature.

But the problem is, no matter how hard you try to impress others and arouse their interest, you can't make good friends. Because true friends cannot be obtained in this way. The famous Austrian psychologist Adler has a famous saying, "A person who does not pay attention to others will inevitably experience major setbacks in life and will also cause harm to others."

Therefore, Carnegie tells you, If you want to be popular, you must first know how to pay attention to others.

Carnegie had a habit of secretly writing down the birthdays of his friends. For example, when chatting with friends, he will first ask others whether they believe in horoscopes, and then naturally bring the topic to the other person's birthday. At the beginning of each year, he marked each of his friends' birthdays on his calendar. On their birthday, the other person will definitely receive Carnegie’s blessings. Everyone was very happy when they received blessings, and Carnegie made many close friends.

This method is not difficult. If you can do what Carnegie did in life, pay more attention to the friends and colleagues around you, and inadvertently make them feel valued, I believe you will also get more benefits. Much friendship.

Roosevelt, the 26th President of the United States, did the same.

At that time, he had already resigned as president, and the owner of the White House was Taft, the 27th President. One day, Roosevelt came to visit the White House, and Taft and his wife happened to be away. Roosevelt greeted every veteran employee working in the White House one by one before leaving. He knew the names of every servant and staff member, even the dishwasher.

When he saw Alice, the kitchen maid, he chatted with her and asked her, "Do you still make cornbread now?" Alice said that she rarely makes cornbread anymore. , because no one wants to eat from "upstairs". It means that the current president doesn’t like to eat it. Roosevelt said loudly, "That's because they have such bad taste! I'm going to tell the president that when I see him!" Alice quickly brought Roosevelt a piece of cornbread, and Roosevelt ate it while walking inside and outside the White House. Take a walk outside and say hello to the gardeners and workers.

The manager of the White House is called Hoover. He has been the manager of the White House for forty years and has met many presidents, but every time he recalls the time when Roosevelt came to the White House to greet everyone. , it was really full of tears and moved from the bottom of my heart.

He said, "In the past two years or so, we have never been so happy. For us, that moment was worth a thousand dollars."

You see, it is actually a very small gesture, but it brings great impact to others. The emotional value is huge though. This illustrates once again: The deepest desire in human nature is to be valued by others.

You may want to ask, there are so many people around me, how can I have so much energy to pay attention to everyone? Yes, what you said is very on point. I have a trick, which is actually quite simple. If your interpersonal relationship is rated A, you have to spend enough time paying attention and greetings.

05 Talk less about yourself and more about things the other person is interested in

There are many ways to pay attention to others. Sometimes, you don’t need to give others various suggestions in a chatty manner. and opinions, listening is the best concern for others. Because Carnegie believes that the person you are talking to does not care about you and your problems, they only care about their own desires and worries. So, please learn to listen first, talk less about yourself, and encourage the other person to talk more about their own experiences.

The greatest listener of our time should be Sigmund Freud. You must have heard of this psychologist or read his works. Everyone who has dealt with him said that "his qualities are rare in the world." What quality is this? It turns out that when listening to others speak, Freud always has kind eyes and a kind voice, basically without any gestures, and his care for others is also very sincere. Even when the other person was incoherent when talking about how painful it was, he was very patient.

Therefore, Carnegie said that when people ask a doctor, sometimes they just need an audience.

During the American Civil War, President Lincoln wrote to an old friend, hoping that he would come to Washington as soon as possible, saying that he had something important to discuss with him. This old friend still lives in another state. After receiving the letter, he immediately rushed to the White House. As soon as Lincoln saw his friend, he immediately began to talk endlessly about his troubles, such as: Is now the right time to issue the Emancipation Proclamation? What would be the good outcome? What will be the bad consequences? Then he read to him some articles in newspapers and magazines that condemned him. From beginning to end, Lincoln was alone in talking about how difficult his situation was, without asking for the opinion of this old friend from afar.

You may want to ask, didn’t Lincoln ask for other people’s opinions? Why do you only talk about yourself? In fact, what Lincoln needed was not advice, but a trustworthy listener. Think about it, the civil war problem that other presidents have not been able to solve can be solved with just one or two suggestions from laypeople? Obviously not. Therefore, President Lincoln's friend was very wise and listened patiently throughout. It was during this conversation that the friend seemed to have done nothing, but gave Lincoln a trustworthy opportunity to talk, allowing Lincoln to clarify his thoughts and relieve his psychological burden in his own talk.

So, does this also give us a life inspiration?

Whenever there is a festival, you are always afraid that your seven aunts and eight aunts will urge you to fall in love, get married, or have a second child. Think about what Carnegie told you, "Really pay attention to others", "No one is interested in you, they are always more interested in their own troubles." Don't wait for the other person to speak, pay attention to the other person first, ask the seventh aunt "Has the child found a job?" "Where is the job?" Then asked the eighth aunt, "When do you plan to have a grandson?" "Are you planning to go square dancing before you have a grandson?" After that, There will be a lot of complaints and complaints, and you just need to listen. Rather than being besieged by relatives, it is better to listen to their worries. This is the method Carnegie taught us to learn and apply.

Of course, hypocrisy is not acceptable. Carnegie also reminded us: our attention to the other party must be based on "truth". Sincerity is the basic principle of human conduct.

This is the second basic way to improve your interpersonal skills: pay sincere attention to others, talk less about yourself and more about the other person. Because the deepest desire in human nature is to be valued by others.

06 Use guidance instead of orders

Henry Ford, the founder of Ford Motor Company, once said, “If there is a secret to success, the secret lies in understanding other people’s positions and Being able to take into account both one's own and other people's positions." This sentence is so insightful that Carnegie quoted it twice in the book, which is what we often call "altruistic" thinking.

The reason is very simple, but many people can’t do it. Because as we have said before, the weakness of human nature is that people only like to focus on themselves and like to be affirmed by others. In short, it is the word "selfish". Admitting selfishness is not a bad thing. The starting point of this book is to let you face your own weaknesses. Only in this way can you have the possibility of improvement and improve your social skills in a targeted manner.

Therefore, when you want to persuade others, or want others to help you, the best way is not to talk endlessly about what you want, but to ask yourself first, "How can you do it?" How about asking the other person to do this on their own initiative? ”

There is only one way, and that is: stimulating other people’s needs.

Carnegie once rented the grand ballroom of a New York hotel and used it for twenty nights each quarter to conduct a series of lectures. One day, the hotel owner suddenly said to Carnegie, "Sorry, the rent is going to go up." Carnegie asked, "How much?" The hotel owner said, "Three times."

At this time, the lecture The tickets have been sold out, the invitations have been sent out, and the hotel suddenly wants to increase the rent, and it is still a huge amount, three times the price. This situation is obviously raising the price, and it will definitely be a problem for anyone. Don't want to bear the price. If he was a bad-tempered person, he would probably start a quarrel with the hotel immediately.

But Carnegie thought, what's the use of telling the hotel "I don't want to"? People have their own standpoints, and they only care about their own interests.

A few days later, Carnegie personally visited the hotel manager and first told him, I understand your difficulties. If I were you, I would also increase the rent. After all, you have the pressure of performance appraisal. But before raising the price, let me do some calculations for you first.

What account? Carnegie took out a piece of paper and wrote "gain" on one side and "lost" on the other. He first pointed to "gain" and said to the manager, if I don't rent these twenty nights, you can rent it to parties or business meetings, and you can make more money than if you rent it to me.

Then he pointed to "lost" and told the manager, first of all, I can't afford the price you want, so if you insist on raising the price, I will have to find another venue. Come on, you won't make a penny. In addition, you have another loss. The lectures I hold will attract high-end people to your hotel. Isn’t this good publicity? Even if you spend 5,000 yuan to advertise in newspapers, the effect may not be that good.

You must have guessed the result. Carnegie received a letter from the hotel the next day, telling him that the rent had been reduced from 300% to 50%.

You see, Carnegie never mentioned what he wanted from beginning to end. All he talked about was the other party's needs and how to meet the other party's needs. He was very clever.

No one likes to be ordered. If you really want to change other people's minds, you must consider others in everything. Learn from Carnegie and replace orders with step-by-step guidance.

07 Use praise to inspire others

There is a sentence mentioned in the book, which was said by a philosopher. He said, "Deep at the root of human nature, there is a strong desire for the appreciation of others. "Please note that the word he used was not "hope" or "longing", but "strong desire".

Someone once conducted a survey to study the reasons why wives ran away from home. What do you think is the main reason? The answer is "not cherished." Because in married life, over time, you will become accustomed to your partner's dedication, but forget that the other person is the person who needs to be praised and appreciated the most.

In the interpersonal communication training class offered by Carnegie, a male classmate told a story between himself and his wife -? One day, the wife of this male classmate came back from attending a training in the church, The training left them with homework, which was to ask husbands to list six shortcomings of their wives. The male classmate thought to himself: "It only takes a minute to find out my wife's shortcomings, not to mention six, even ten." But he was smart and did not respond immediately. Instead, he said to his wife, this way Well, I'll think about it tonight and tell you tomorrow morning.

The next day, the husband got up early, quietly called the florist, asked them to help prepare six red roses, and then wrote a sentence on the card: "I can't think of anything." Whatever you need to change, because I love everything about you." That night, the husband came home and his wife was waiting for him at the door, almost crying with joy.

The same praising method is also very effective in dealing with naughty children at home.

There is such an example in the book. Hopkins worked as a teacher in an elementary school in New York. On the first day of school, she looked through the student roster and found that the most naughty kid in the school was assigned to her class. She had heard the name of Tommy many times before. He was not only naughty, but also violated school rules many times. However, the naughty boy also had an advantage, that is, he had a strong learning ability, and schoolwork never gave him a hard time.

Hopkins decided to deal with this troublesome Tommy. At the beginning of the school year, she specially praised every student, such as, "Rose, your dress is so beautiful." "Alicia, I heard that you are great at drawing!" Note that the praises given to other students are all It's a very specific, detail-oriented compliment. When it was Tommy's turn, Hopkins said to Tommy, "Tommy, I know you are a natural leader. I hope you can help me turn our class into the most powerful class in the entire fourth grade." How could a fourth-grade child withstand such a level of praise? And naughty kids have always been the target of criticism. In the days that followed, Hopkins continued to emphasize her confidence in Tommy, praising everything he did and commenting that she could tell Tommy was a good student. In the end, this nine-year-old boy really changed a lot.

Praise is something that everyone can do in life, but it is also the most overlooked virtue because people only think about themselves ninety-five percent of the time.

Remember, whoever you want to change, praise first.

This is the third basic method to improve interpersonal communication skills: if you want to change others, you must first stimulate their needs, use guidance instead of commands, and use praise to motivate others.

Review

1. The most common problem that adults encounter in daily life is interpersonal communication problems. In the book "Human Weaknesses", the author Carnegie excavated It outlines some common weaknesses of people, first lets you fully understand yourself and others, and then teaches you how to quickly and effectively improve your interpersonal skills.

2. Carnegie proposed three important basic skills in interpersonal communication. The content of the entire book can be completely covered by these three skills.

·Article 1, don’t criticize or accuse others. If you must criticize, be careful. It’s best to talk about your own faults first.

·Article 2: Pay sincere attention to others, talk less about yourself and more about the other person. Because the deepest desire in human nature is to be valued by others.

·Article 3: If you want to change others, you must first stimulate their needs, use guidance instead of commands, and use praise to motivate others.

The truth is simple to say, but it is not easy to do. You need to practice it continuously in your life.

I hope today’s interpretation will be helpful to you, and I hope we can all face our weaknesses, overcome them, and become masters of interpersonal relationships!