In Neglected Children, it is said that a young child is a clean glass. When parents touch the glass, they will always leave their fingerprints, deep or shallow, bright or dark, and what's more, they will drop the glass.
So when I started consulting later, I always wanted to make a link with family of origin from the superficial behaviors of adults, to see if I could find a trace of clues to connect family of origin with the current behaviors. I met several examples and found that this is really the case. So, when others come to me for advice, I try to analyze them from such a point of view. Although it turns out that the effect is not so good, not all people can understand family of origin's influence and the intention of delving into the reasons behind it. All they want is to help solve this small difficulty in front of them and leave it to the future. However, this does not prevent me from continuing to explore. So after reading "Thank yourself for your imperfections" by Wu Zhihong, I will continue to read this book "Why do you always get hurt".
1. Those adults who are particularly good at reading words and feelings, if you look deeply into their lives, you will find that most of them have a bad family. In such a family, if they want to get the material and spiritual care of their parents and other relatives, they must please them first.
2. The original intention of illness is to protect oneself
3. Most psychological problems are initially formed in childhood, and when they are formed, they all have similar psychological meanings: tell his or her caregivers to give up unhealthy parenting methods.
4. Angry, because the world doesn't work as I imagined
5. American psychologist Thomas Harris believes that interpersonal patterns can be divided into four types: I can do it, but you can't; I can't, you can; I can't, and neither can you; I can do it, so can you. The first three are unhealthy interpersonal patterns, where the "yes" party is equivalent to parents and the "no" party is equivalent to children.
6. Childbearing and rearing are both rights. Because the birth of a new life will naturally change the power pattern of the whole family, and whoever the child kisses and recognizes means whose power will increase. As a procreator and nurturer, the mother has great advantages in this respect, and of course, it is also paid a great price. At this time, if someone is jealous of the mother's power and wants to fight for it, it will lead to a serious family power war. This is the root of the mother-in-law war.
7. Everyone wants to find a sense of value in relationships. The most basic contradiction in life is that everyone wants to find his own sense of value, and this sense of value is always found in relationships. In this way, if my high-value sense "I am great" is based on others' low-value sense "you are poor", it will hurt others.
8. No one likes a low sense of self-worth. When the children of strong people find that they can't improve their sense of self-worth by surpassing their parents, they may adopt another way-reducing their parents' sense of self-worth to narrow the gap between themselves and their parents' sense of value. As a result, there will be such a phenomenon: the children of strong people add chaos to their parents.
9. It is very simple to have a living love. The way is to respect your free will and the other person's free will.
1. Love is learned, mainly from the relationship between childhood and parents. The relationship pattern between a child and his parents before the age of 6 is finally internalized by him into the depths of his heart, and finally there is an "inner parent" and an "inner child" in our hearts. The relationship pattern between the two largely determines whether a child can gain love.
11. We only see the courage of some adults, but in fact, we tend to overlook it. His courage actually comes from relationships, and he subconsciously believes that he has a safe base no matter what setbacks he encounters.
12. A famous saying of psychoanalysis: Where there is no response, there is despair.
13. After studying psychology, I understand that the foundation of true self-confidence is love; The basis of inferiority is the lack of love.
running through Wu Zhihong's psychological consultation is family of origin. According to Wu Zhihong, each of us has a pair of little people in our hearts, namely, "parents" and "children". In my heart, there are four kinds of relationships between the little people: parents are strong and children are weak, parents are weak and children are strong, parents are strong and children are strong, and parents are weak and children are weak. The first three are all problematic. Because of these three different relationships, we have different performances.
People whose parents are stronger than their children are usually found in the second generation. Because their parents are too strong, when they can't make themselves stronger than their parents, they can only belittle their parents and make all kinds of mischief to their parents. "My father is Li Gang" is a living example.
People with weak parents and strong children are reflected in their parents' excessive doting and giving control to their children. This also had Yang Lijuan because idolize, the father sold the house, blood and kidneys to collect money for his daughter idolize, and finally ended up committing suicide. Yang Lijuan also won't feel guilty, because this piece was missing from his childhood education.
Yang Yuanyuan, a person whose parents are stronger than their children, shocked netizens all over the world. Because she had to take her mother with her when she went out, her life was forced to be tied up with her mother, and she had no friends and roommates, so she finally chose to spend the rest of her life in the bathroom.
Only by weakening these little people can we get out of family of origin's shadow. Generally, as the book "Thanks for Your Imperfection" says: "No way, you have a father like me and I have a son like you. These are facts that I can't change." As long as we recognize and admit this, all the past pains will eventually become the nutrients for our growth and nourish our growth. This is very difficult, I know, when I communicated with a consulting client, she said with a puzzled face, OK. I knew it. I rushed it. All she wants is a little peace in the chaotic world, and I have dug up all the foundations under this world for her. That's why psychological counseling can't be done overnight. It's always gradual and impatient, and it needs to be changed.
Learning a little fur can't make me feel comfortable in complicated events, but I still need to continue reading more relevant books to improve my ability.