In interpersonal communication, speaking is very important and listening is also very important. Listening wisdom in China culture is very rich and wonderful, and famous sayings and aphorisms emerge in an endless stream. Among them, Laozi's wisdom about listening is like a shining gem, which is worth reading and appreciating.
Laozi said: "Good words are not beautiful, but good words are not believed." (Chapter 8 1) After reading this sentence, we feel that this sentence of Laozi seems to contradict the above-mentioned "good words are respected by the city", but if we carefully examine the context, he speaks in two different situations.
The "letter" here refers to truth and brevity; "Good words" refers to flowery words, words in disguise. "Faithfulness" and "kindness" are opposites, so it can be inferred that this "beauty" refers to an unreal and pretentious beauty, rather than the real beauty "kindness" in "kindness can be respected in the market", and they have different meanings.
When we read Laozi's books, we sometimes find it difficult to understand. There seems to be a contradiction between before and after, often because we don't understand his words. Even the same word sometimes has different meanings in the book. For example, Qian Zhongshu pointed out: In Chapter 72 of Laozi, "My husband never tires, so he never tires." On this basis, there is another pun, that is, the word "tired" means tired of feet, tired of the word "tired", meaning tired of the word "tired", meaning "meaning for literature, drama for literature, used by poets" We know this. After reading Laozi, many places can know why and why.
Laozi said: "Good words are not beautiful, but good words are not believed." This is not isolated from us modern people. In real life, we often meet. Some people say beautiful things, but in the end you are cheated. Because he doesn't pretend to be beautiful, how can he impress you and let you take the bait! So, if you don't believe it, it will become a kind word after the appearance of "packaging". Don't you believe it is a kind word? On the contrary, "letter" is true and simple, and does not need "packaging". It often lacks that kind of appearance beauty, that kind of "faithfulness is not beautiful".
This situation has never stopped in history. This wisdom of Laozi is summed up from life and history, and it can also verify life and history. For example, Lu Jia of the Han Dynasty said in Xin Yu: "A husband is like a saint, and a good word is like a letter; People who listen are confused, but people who see are invisible. " Are there still few such examples?
Everyone knows that there was a story called Zou Ji in the State of Qi during the Warring States Period, which may be laughed off, but if we use Laozi's thinking to interpret it again, we may be able to deeply understand why "good words are not credible".
Qi Zou Xiangji is not only eight feet tall, but also very handsome. Once in court, he asked his wife in the mirror, "Xu Gong in the north of the city, who is more beautiful?" Xugong was recognized as a handsome man at that time.
The lady replied, "Of course my husband is beautiful. How can Gong compare with you! " "It's like Lao Tzu's so-called" good words ",which most people like to hear, but Zou Ji feels a little incredible. This is the power of Zou Ji. He can use his head in the face of "kind words". This is written in the Warring States Policy: "Don't be unconfident. "
Zou Ji asked his little wife again, "Who is more beautiful, Xu Gong or me?" His concubine said, "How can Xu Can Palace be as beautiful as you!" This is still a "good word", really a "good word" of a voice.
The next day, a guest came. Zou Ji asked the guest again, "Who is more beautiful, Xu Gong or me?" The guest said, "Xu Gong is not as beautiful as you!"
Coincidentally, one day later, Xu Gong came. Zou Ji looked at him carefully and felt inferior to him. Then he looked at himself in the mirror and found himself far behind him.
Zou Ji is a famous politician. He began to think about why. In the dead of night, he "slept and thought" and found the truth. Let's also analyze it. Indeed, this kind of "good word" has many connotations.
First, when you hear people's "good words", you should consider whether these words are credible or true. This should be the case whether you are facing people close to yourself or others. Besides, a person's "good words" should be like this, and so should a voice's "good words". For example, Zou Ji's "good words" shared by three people may not be true, so don't blindly believe them.
Second, "good words" are pleasant to hear and comfortable to listen to, but there are often motives behind "good words" and the driving force of interest relations. For example, Zou Ji knows that his wife "speaks" me well because she loves me; I "speak well" because I am afraid of me; The guest put in a good word for me because he wanted something from me. One should be able to understand the deep and behind of "good words".
Third, "good words" are easy to deceive people, so we should actually examine them. Zou Ji didn't know what was going on until he met Xu Gongben, otherwise he was kept in the dark. Think about it, if we don't regard this story as "funny", then it has a deep meaning.
Fourth, Zou Ji really deserves to be a famous politician. From here to there, from near to far, from small to large, he thought about politics and state affairs. So it's the same? So when he went to North Korea to meet Qi Weiwang Tian Ji, he told the story and inspired Qi Weiwang.
Zou Ji said: "I do know that I am far less beautiful than Xu Gong, but because my wife loves me, my concubine is afraid of me, and my guests want something from me, they praise me for being more beautiful than Xu Gong." Today, Qi is a big country with 120 cities. All the women in the palace love the king, and all the officials in the court are afraid of him. This shows that the king must have been cheated even more. "This sentence is really attractive to us.
Zou Ji carefully thought about it. Someone loves me and I am cheated, so more people love you and you are cheated more. Some people are afraid that I will be cheated, so more people are afraid of you, and you are even more deceived; I was cheated when someone wanted me, so the more someone wanted you, the more you were cheated. This internal logic is very powerful!
Qi Weiwang is a good listener. He doesn't go in one ear and out the other, and he doesn't care. He recognized the truth and was deeply moved, so he praised it and said, "Good!" Obviously, Zou Ji's words are not pleasant "good words" because they are not words of flattery and praise, but words of exhortation, criticism and enlightenment. But this is indeed a word of faith, a word of disbelief and disbelief derived from Zou Ji's kind words. Qi Weiwang must have realized that "faith is not beautiful", which is the real word of kindness, so Qi Weiwang spoke the word of "kindness" appreciatively.
In addition, it is commendable that Qi Weiwang not only heard that this is a kind word, but also practiced it. Qi Weiwang issued an imperial edict: "From now on, ministers, officials and people who can point out my shortcomings face to face can get excellent rewards;" If I write to my advice, I can get a moderate reward; Those who can criticize me in public can get an inferior reward. "Let's imagine how you feel when a person sticks a sharp object in front of you. Isn't this a "thorn in the side"? At present, the first prize of "reward" is "stabbing the face", that is, this kind of criticism and accusation has no pity, just like a sharp thing stuck in the face; It should be said that it is not easy for an ordinary person to find fault with your mistakes, shortcomings and faults, but a monarch above others can accept it.
This imperial edict has just been issued. What do you want? Very interesting. It has gone through three stages.
The first stage is, "a group of ministers remonstrate, and the door is crowded." Imagine this scene today, still vivid and picturesque. You came, I came, and so did he. They come to make comments and criticize at home, just like going to the market. This kind of criticism and suggestion is not only not accepted, but also rewarded to stimulate and pull the "thorn in the face". A monarch can speak so openly, accept criticism so humbly, and accept supervision so sincerely, how can he not let several generations lament! We may not care too much. This familiar idiom comes from here. On the other hand, it also shows that there are many problems in Qi Weiwang and the imperial court. What Qi Weiwang had heard before was mostly sweet words, but "don't believe good words" was greatly deceived; When he really heard the words of "stabbing his face", "admonishing" and "slandering", although they were not pleasant to hear, his words were not beautiful, which made him shine at the moment and came out of the cover drum.
The second stage has changed. "The Warring States Policy" wrote, "After several months, progress has been made from time to time." In other words, after a few months, it is no longer as "a sea of people" as before. Although there are still people coming to make comments, it has been intermittent.
The third stage has changed again. Is a year later, "although speaking, no one can enter", people who want to speak have nothing to criticize, and they have already said their opinions to the court.
Everyone is going to ask, so what is the result? Yan, Zhao, South Korea and Wei all sent envoys to pay tribute to Qi. The warring States policy said, "this so-called victory over the imperial court." This summary is another kind word, and it is really wonderful to analyze its meaning: it means that you don't have to send troops to defeat other countries, but you have already defeated other countries in the court.
If we look at the data of the Warring States policy and compare it with the records in Historical Records, it will be clearer. When he succeeded to the throne, Han, Zhao and Wei took advantage of Qi's funeral to launch an attack. In addition, after Qi Weiwang succeeded to the throne, he ignored state affairs for nine years, leaving only the management of Qing Dafu, and the result was all too clear. When the vassal States came to crusade, the people of Qi were restless. You think, officials and ordinary people certainly have full opinions! Then why did it say that it would be "crowded" as soon as you made a suggestion?
In addition, Qi Weiwang really wanted to rectify, and he was indeed a very successful C in the Warring States Period. When he inspected officials, he attached great importance to listening and found problems from it. For example, when Qi Weiwang heard about himself, he often praised Acheng's doctor, saying that he was the best among local officials, and vilified Dr. Jimo every day, saying that he was the worst. After listening to these reports, Qi Weiwang didn't believe them. But to send effective personnel to investigate on the spot. Results Jimo (now southeast of Pingdu County, Shandong Province) was well managed. First, the oil field was developed. Second, the people have plenty of food and clothing. Third, the government has no backlog of official duties. Qi Weiwang understood that Dr. Jimo was vilified because he couldn't flatter the people around me, so no one praised him or put in a good word for him in front of me. So Qi Weiwang summoned Dr. Jimo after observation, praised him and named him the food city of Dr. Jimo's house.
Instead, they sent people to make a field trip. Acheng (now northeast yanggu county) was badly governed, the fields were barren and the people were poor. Once upon a time, Zhao captured a city and refused to rescue it as a doctor; Guo Wei captured a Ling Xue, but as a doctor he didn't even know it. Qi Weiwang understands that Dr. Acheng enjoys a high reputation because he bribed his left and right sides with a large sum of money, which earned him constant praise, and people kept saying good things about him in front of me. Qi Weiwang is very decisive. He also summoned Dr. Acheng, cooked and killed him that day, and cooked and killed all the people around him who praised Dr. Acheng.
Qi Weiwang's behavior made everyone in Qi afraid to whitewash their mistakes and be as loyal as possible, thus making Qi well governed. It is said that other vassal States dared not invade Qi for more than twenty years.