First, filial piety according to etiquette.
Let's look at a story in The Analects: Meng asked questions about filial piety. Confucius said, "No violation." Fan Chi's prince told him, "Sun Meng asked me about filial piety, and I said' no violation'." Fan Chi said, "What is it?" Confucius said, "People are born with courtesy; If you die, you will be buried with ceremony. " In the present words, Meng asked, "What is filial piety?" Confucius said, "Don't break the ceremony." One day, while driving a bus for Mr. Wang, Confucius said to him, "Sun Meng asked me what filial piety is, and I replied that I should not violate the ceremony." Fan Chi said, "What does this mean?" Confucius said, "When parents are alive, they should be served with certain etiquette; When they die, they should be buried and commemorated according to certain etiquette requirements. "
As can be seen from this record, Confucius believes that filial piety is the first violation of the most basic etiquette. Confucius himself took the thought of Duke Zhou as his life mission, and the "rites of Zhou" gradually formed since the Western Zhou Dynasty, that is, the etiquette system followed by the Zhou Dynasty, all originated from the thought of Duke Zhou. In Zhou Li, the concept of loyalty and filial piety is in the main position. Filial piety is also a kind of etiquette. Show filial piety in various ways. Moreover, he is not an ordinary etiquette, he is the most basic etiquette in everyone's life. Therefore, Zuo Zhuan said that "filial piety begins with ceremony". In this life, people have to learn many rituals, rituals, rituals of monarch and minister, rituals of friends, rituals of classmates, rituals of neighbors and all kinds of rituals. I want to talk to other people's elders, and I want to talk to other people's juniors. But thousands of gifts, the beginning of the ceremony, the initial ceremony you give to your parents first. Parents are your first social relationship and the first person you have to deal with. How to deal with them, so filial piety and courtesy are very important. Confucius paid special attention to everyone's courtesy to their parents at home. According to Confucius, filial piety is the basis of moral ethics. The original meaning of "Ben" is the root, and a solid root is the basic guarantee for flourishing. Therefore, filial piety is the foundation of human relations, that is to say, just like the foundation of a big tree, all human morality and ethics begin to sprout from this foundation of filial piety. Although the root is not the whole tree, filial piety, as the basic point of being a man and even a man, is an indispensable main aspect of human moral life. Based on this principle, Confucius advocated that filial piety should start from the family. He asked young people to be "filial". The so-called "filial piety" refers to the family, and "filial piety" refers to the attitude and behavior of children towards their parents. Family is the cell of society, the health of cells is the foundation of physical health, and family harmony is the first step of social harmony. Of course, there are many aspects of family harmony, but the existence and function of filial piety is still fundamental.
Second, filial piety with heart.
Is it called filial piety as long as you treat and serve your parents according to the requirements of society? Let's find the answer from the daily questions and answers of Confucius and his students in The Analects. One day, Yan Hui and Luz were chatting with their teacher. The teacher said, "Each of you can talk about your ambition." Lutz said: "My ambition is to enjoy these good things with my friends, such as clothes, chariots and horses. I have nothing to complain about if I wear them out. This is my wish. " Yan Hui said: "My wish is that a person should not always blow his own horn, not flaunt his own advantages, but be modest." At this time, the students found that the teacher had not spoken yet. Luz said to the teacher, "I hope to hear your ambition." Confucius gave a simple description of his ideal personality, saying three words: "Old age is secure, friends have faith, and few have feelings." ("The Analects? Gongye Chang) Confucius's ambition is to let the old people settle down, let friends trust him and let young people miss him. Think about it, everyone in this world can't get rid of the relationship with three kinds of people, that is, our elders-parents who gave birth to me and raised me, our peers-friends who accompany me all my life, our younger generation-their children. Confucius won't talk about how I want to build my country and country, and how many meritorious deeds I have made. Instead, he said, all my old people can settle down, my friends can trust and entrust me, and the children can think I deserve admiration and nostalgia. If my existence can make these three kinds of people have such sustenance, it is enough. Among them, the first one is "the elderly are safe."
Do we understand what true filial piety is? Is the word "An" easy to do? Maybe every child has his own way to make the elderly feel safe from the outside and from the inside, but it is not easy to do it well. There is a folk saying in China that "filial piety is the first virtue". All good deeds begin with filial piety, because this is the deepest affection in life, and everyone can't avoid it. On the matter of filial piety, there is another saying among the people, which is "No matter what the heart is." We know that not every dutiful son has enough money and high status to turn love into material conditions for his parents according to his dreams. Sometimes a deep wish is just a simple thing, so small.
I heard a touching story of filial piety in teacher Yu Dan's program. A group of friends were chatting together, and one person said, I've been out for so long, I'm going to call my parents and tell them. Then, he dialed the number once, paused and hung up, dialed the number again, waited with the receiver, and then talked to his parents. His friends were surprised and asked, was the line busy for the first time? He said no, the friend asked, then why did you dial twice? This person simply said that my parents are old and have poor legs and feet. As long as they hear the phone, they think it's mine. Every time they rush forward, they can't wait to pounce on their mobile phones. Because of this, my mother often trips over the foot of the table. Later, I told them that I would call often, but only if you didn't run. The first time I dial the phone, it will ring two or three times and then hang up. You walk slowly to the phone and wait. I'm sure I'll call back later.
This story, to be honest, is a relatively rare story of children honoring their parents. Friends get together and want to talk about their parents' love for their children. You may talk a lot casually, but it is often rare for children to have such a heart for their parents. In fact, I really hope that such a story can happen in each of our homes and around us. Therefore, it is not enough to "persuade" the elderly, but also to carefully consider how to reassure the elderly. As long as the feelings are fulfilled, the filial piety will be fulfilled.
Third, respect is filial piety.
There are still some records in The Analects that put forward higher requirements for filial piety. Ziyou asks filial piety. Confucius said, "Filial piety is the best way to raise. As for dogs and horses, both can be kept; Disrespect, why not? " Ziyou asked what is filial piety. Confucius said: "The so-called filial piety now means that you can support your parents. Even dogs and horses can be kept by people; If you don't love your parents, what's the difference between feeding your parents and raising a dog and a horse? " Xia Zi asked Confucius what filial piety was. Confucius said another phenomenon. He said: The hardest thing for children to be filial is to be kind to their parents. Look at the so-called filial piety today, that is, there are some things to be done, and children will rush to do it; When the material conditions are not very rich, try to let the elders have food and drink. Everyone thinks these things are filial piety. However, Confucius asked, what is the difference between these and keeping dogs and horses? Are these really filial piety?
Confucius' rhetorical question is intriguing. People in China often put "filial piety" and "respect" together, indicating filial piety, filial piety as a deed, and respect as a heart. The key is whether we have that kind of deep respect for our parents. In other words, filial piety is not filial piety. Filial piety is not a helpless obligation. What is filial piety? Mencius said, "You can't kiss, you can't be a man, you can't kiss, you can't have children." You can't be a man if you don't like your parents. You can't be a son if you don't like your parents. What is "color difficulty" is an attitude problem. It is said that disrespect is filial piety, that is, the attitude is difficult. He said, "If something happens, I will do my duty." When something happens, children of the younger generation like us, when they see their parents sweeping the floor, take a broom and do it themselves. "There is wine and food, sir." If there is something delicious, give it to your parents and elders. "Is it filial piety?" Do you think this is filial piety? Doing something for the elders and inviting them to have a good meal is not necessarily filial piety. Why? "The color is difficult." Attitude is very important, just like when we come home from work and feel exhausted, but dad is lying in bed and ordering him to pour a cup of tea. The children poured their tea, but when they served it, they looked calm. They put the cups on the bed and said in a cold and hard tone, "Drink!" "Under the attitude of children, it is absolutely impossible for parents to be sad than death. Therefore, filial piety should be respected first, which belongs to the heart; The second is the difficulty of appearance and attitude. When we treat our parents, we can't just go home and have a look. We should love them and satisfy not only their material life, but also their spiritual life. We should really care about them from the heart, give them a smile, remember them and smile from the heart. They have lived all their lives, and what they need most when they are old is a sincere smile from their children.
Fourth, filial piety should be filial.
Confucius said, "If you don't obey several admonitions, you will respect them without violating them, and you will work without complaining." Confucius said, "Serve your parents (if there is misconduct) and gently persuade them." . If parents don't listen to their own opinions, they should treat them with respect and don't offend them. Although they are worried and working hard, don't resent them. "Parents do something wrong and really have conflicts with their parents. What should children do? In view of the above situation, Confucius suggested that as a child, when serving his parents, if there are differences of opinion, or even think that there is something wrong with his parents, he can politely stop it. This is called "a few remonstrances", that is, you must restrain yourself, very slightly, and you must be able to persuade in a gentle way. " A few "means slightly and tactfully. Serve your parents politely. Parents may have some ideas that are not necessarily right. Parents may have some wrong ideas, even stupid ideas. What shall we do? A few words of advice (euphemistic words to persuade parents), but don't be rude. You can't scold your parents for "not obeying their wishes" (The Analects of Confucius). My parents are still unwilling to listen to your advice. What shall we do? You should at least respect your face. Can't force, can't play with parents, don't violate, don't complain. Running for parents, not to mention persuading parents may take a lot of breath and energy, but there can be no resentment.
Let me start with a truth. It may not matter what the truth itself is, but the expression is very important. How to create a good truth in the best way is very important. We often learn some rules of interpersonal communication, that is, how to talk to colleagues and friends, but few books in society will teach you how to talk to your parents, because everyone thinks your parents are relatives, so do you still need to pay attention to the way you talk to your parents? Children always say, I am angry outside, why not go home and tell my mother? Can't you lose your temper with my mother? Can't you just take it out on my mom? However, it must be noted that it is often the closest people who become their own emotional trash cans, and sometimes they are hurt. Confucius said a simple truth, that is, the closest person is the one who can't be hurt the most. If you don't agree with them, you'd better pay attention to the way you speak. Can you put in a good word? Children say that some parents will listen, some parents will not listen, and they are still insisting on their own practice, that is, "seeing the will." What if I don't listen to you? "Respect without violating", children should respect and not contradict. You can continue to worry about it in your heart, but you can't have resentment. This is called "working without regrets". The above is the advice given by the sage when children disagree with their parents.
Five, do not dispute unfilial
After the Neo-Confucianism of Song, Cheng and Zhu, the old adage "There is no evil mother in the world" appeared. This sentence is a bit idealistic. It also brought Confucius a lot of accusations about filial piety. Parents are mortal, how can there be nothing wrong? Confucius never said that everything parents do and say in the world is right, and children must obey unconditionally. Understanding filial piety as obedience to parents is filial piety, which is a misinterpretation of Confucius' original intention. Confucian filial piety is to satisfy parents' reasonable demands. As a dutiful son, we should pay attention to filial piety when we are filial to our parents. You should properly handle some incorrect things about your parents. If you cater to your parents blindly, you will also cater to those incorrect and bad things, and you will obey. You are unfilial.
There is an example about Zeng Shen. His father is also a student of Confucius. His name is Ceng Dian. Their father and son are weeding. Melons were planted in the field, and Zeng Shen accidentally hoed off the seedlings. Zeng Shen's father has a particularly bad temper. When he saw that Zeng Shen had broken the melon seedling, he rushed over with great anger. Zeng Shen knew that his father was angry. He waited respectfully for his father there. Scold him or punish him. Father has a bad temper, and picking up a stick from Zeng Shen is a stick. Zeng Shen didn't run, so let his father fight. When I hit it with a stick, Zeng Shen fell down and fainted. Zeng Shen woke up later and his father was still there. He respectfully told his father that it is simply unfilial for his son to make you angry. Neighbors say Zeng Shen is a dutiful son. But this incident reached the ears of Confucius, who was very angry. He said to other students, you tell Zeng Shen that he is unfilial and I will no longer recognize him as a student. Zeng Shen felt very strange after hearing the students' messages. How can I say that I am unfilial? I am too filial to my parents. How can you call me unfilial? He came to see Confucius and said, What's wrong with me? Confucius said: Your father hit you hard with this hand, and of course he may kill you. If you are killed, your father will be arrested by the government and your father will commit a crime. So you let your father beat you like this and make your father commit a crime. It is unfilial of you to cause such consequences. If you are filial to your father, you should run quickly and don't let your father make this mistake. Don't let him be arrested by the government for making this mistake, and don't let him suffer the loss of his son. This is the real filial piety. In fact, this story conveys such a message. As a true dutiful son, it is also filial not to let parents make mistakes. Some people say that parents can do whatever they want and do whatever they want. Even if it is a crime, it is not. Confucianism does not advocate this thing. True filial piety is like this: meet the reasonable demands of parents and stop his unreasonable things in time. Stop him from doing bad things. That's true filial piety.
Confucius also said, "Parents can swim well without traveling far." Analects of Confucius Your parents are still here. Don't run away. You just go far away, you must have a definite place. There is a certain place to tell your parents. Let your parents know where you are. Don't worry your parents. If parents are anxious, life will be affected. Confucius also said that "parents only care about their own diseases" (The Analects of Confucius). Parents are getting older, and their health may get worse every day. All kinds of diseases are coming, so you should pay attention to your parents' health. As children, as long as we can not let our parents worry, that is to say, we have a little filial piety. From the time we were born, our parents began to worry. When we were young, we were worried that we would never get sick and grow up healthily. We were worried about our studies when we grew up, that we could not learn well, that we could not get into a good university and graduate, that we could not find a good job and work, and that our marriage would be lost. On the contrary, what are we worried about for our parents? Therefore, Confucius wants us to deeply understand the pain of being parents and try to reduce their worries. This is filial piety.
To sum up, Confucius deeply felt that he was living in an era of moral decay. To this end, he mercilessly attacked people's shallow views on filial piety at that time. Confucius believes that filial piety is not only material support for parents, such as daily support, but more importantly, it is necessary to add love to this support so that parents can enjoy it both materially and spiritually. In Confucius' view, unfilial is an important reason for social unrest. Unfolding the book Zuo Zhuan, we can find that vendettas between father and son and between brothers abound. In the face of power and wealth, filial piety is insignificant. And those who claim to pursue filial piety have a one-sided understanding of filial piety. Therefore, in the discussion between Confucius and his disciple Xia Zi about "color difficulty", Confucius believed that it was relatively difficult for the younger generation to maintain a respectful attitude towards the elders compared with providing material support. Needless to say, Confucius emphasized the importance of spiritual filial piety here. Of course, emphasizing spiritual filial piety does not mean that this is the whole content of filial piety, but that without the coordination of "color" and respectful attitude and proper expression, filial piety is hypocritical and incomplete. In order to deepen this view, Confucius constantly elaborated from various aspects in the discussion with his disciples about filial piety. For example, he advocates that children should not travel far when their parents are alive. If you have to go, try to reassure your parents. This includes telling parents the legitimate reasons for traveling and returning on time. Because it is not suitable to travel far away, on the one hand, because parents don't care after traveling far away, and more importantly, parents are bound to worry about it and increase their mental burden. In addition, compared with modern times, the traffic conditions in the Confucius era can be said to be worlds apart. Today's casual outing may have been a sentence at that time, where will you go? In this case, it is reasonable for parents to be extremely worried. Confucius is not an extremist While advocating not to travel far, he also proposed that "you must travel well." This tells us that we should pay attention to the spirit of filial piety advocated by Confucius and not dwell on some specific rules.
Obviously, Confucius' filial piety not only insists on "respect", but also has a distinct human touch. For example, he raised concerns about parents' age, thinking that with the increase of parents' life span, children are happy, but they are also worried. This view is quite dialectical. Filial sons want their parents to live a long life, but the closer they live, the closer they get to aging, which will make their filial sons feel heavy. Confucius vividly described the complex mentality of the dutiful son in a simple sentence, which is touching. Confucius' parents died young and lost the opportunity of filial piety, but this cannot detract from the warm human touch in his theory of filial piety. This warm filial piety is fundamentally different from that of post-Confucianism.
Sixth, filial piety should be filial.
We know what true filial piety is and what is usually called filial piety at home. So Confucius' Confucianism stresses filial piety, is it simply to let us be filial at home? Is it in line with Confucius' true filial piety to be filial only to parents and only to the elderly?
Confucian filial piety is not a narrow morality. I only love my parents, I only respect my parents. Confucian morality is not so narrow. Say I don't care about others. I don't care about other people except my parents. I only care about our family. Even I can harm others and benefit myself. I can harm the interests of others to safeguard the interests of our family, and I can also harm the interests of others to meet our needs. That was not the case. Confucianism particularly emphasizes the need to expand and expand this filial piety. How far should he eventually expand? To love everyone. Love begins with loving the person you love, but I don't just love the person I love, not just the person I love. But to expand step by step. So Mencius said, "I am old, and people are old." Young and young, but young "("Mencius "). I am good to the old people in our family and good to the elders. Therefore, I want to love others, love other people's old people and respect other people's elders with this kind of love for us old people. Whenever an old man is in danger, I should think that I am at home. Our old people are in danger. What should I do? I should do the same to other people's old people. I love the younger generation of our family and our children, and I should also have this kind of love for other children. Expand to love the whole world and love everyone. Actually, that's the idea. Never understand Confucian filial piety as a narrow-minded person who only loves his family. Don't love others, even do things that hurt others for your family.