Every year, I get to know some friends who are busy applying to study abroad. While providing them with some help from experienced people, I also want to take the opportunity to understand the inner world of the post-95s and post-00s generations.

Preparing to study abroad is a tedious matter. Usually undergraduates have to take a series of exams in their second and third years of college. During the application season, they need to write a lot of paperwork. If you want to apply to a good school, Don't delay your undergraduate studies, because a strong GPA (Grade Points) is almost a stepping stone to a prestigious school.

However, even if all the above things are done, the result of the application is still full of uncertainty. After all, each school recruits a limited number of students. Even if the applicant has a bright background and the application materials are perfect, they still cannot Guaranteed to pass smoothly. When the school rejects you, it will always use a good reason: rejecting you is not because you are not good enough, but because there are too many applicants, and we can only select some people to admit.

“I’m so worried that I won’t be able to apply” is the sentence I hear most often when communicating with my friends. Although applying to a school is not something that everyone needs to go through, its background is A kind of "age anxiety" that can be seen everywhere: anxiety about not getting something you want. Students looking for a job are worried about whether they can get the offer they want, white-collar workers in the workplace are worried about whether they can stand out in the next promotion and salary increase, and the middle class in Shanghai are worried about when they will be able to own a house of their own.

There are two conditions for anxiety: 1. We want to get something; 2. This thing may not be available. When we are not sure whether we can get something or achieve a certain goal, anxiety will naturally occur. It is not only a psychological tension, but is often accompanied by a series of physiological symptoms such as heartbeat, sweaty palms, and insomnia. reaction.

To some extent, anxiety is meaningful because it can actively promote human behavior. When we feel anxious about a high grade point, a good job, or a new car, we Naturally, they will strive more actively to obtain them. However, this does not mean that all anxiety is meaningless. Just as when you have submitted all the application materials for studying abroad, all you can do is wait for the results. Anxiety will not add points to your application.

When coaching my friends in the application process, in addition to helping to improve the quality of application materials, I also hope to reduce their useless anxiety during the application process. We often use clichés such as "do our best and obey fate" to comfort those who are in anxiety. These words may be useful, but these two sentences do not seem to convey the deeper meaning, that is, why should we do our best and obey fate?

This question is not difficult to answer, because the result of everything will be affected by many complex factors, and your own efforts are only part of it. Therefore, the results of many things are not within your control. "Do your best and obey fate" is the most reasonable choice at the moment.

But what needs to be noted here is that we often regard some famous aphorisms or the above-mentioned clichés as life creeds and use them as yardsticks to guide actions, but what is really effective is not the creed itself, but the The principles behind the creed reflect the real world and the appropriate way for people who have experienced it to face the world.

During the Chinese New Year, I read the views of a Western philosophical school. Its core view is the same as "do your best and obey fate", but the difference is that it clearly explains why we do what we do. , which can be regarded as a way for people to stay in the face of uncertainty. This genre is called Stoicism.

How to be a Stoic by American philosopher Massimo Pigliucci is the main reference for this article

Stoicism came from Athens in 300 BC, and its founder Zeno was originally a Phoenician merchant who later came to Athens because of his interest in philosophy. Zeno and his students were influenced by many philosophical schools of the time in Athens. The shadow of Stoicism can be found in the philosophical frameworks of Aristotelianism and Cynicism.

An important reason why Stoicism received widespread attention later was that after the death of Caesar the Great in Rome and Augustus, who succeeded him to the throne, the politician Cicero ( Cicero came to power, and Cicero was a believer in Stoic thought. This made Stoicism widely spread at that time, and also gave birth to figures such as the ancient Roman statesman Seleca and the philosopher Eros. Stoics such as Epictetus and the famous Roman emperor Aurelius, author of the Meditations.

The Stoics combined the Aristotelian discussion of how the external environment affects happiness with the significance of frugality and abstinence advocated in Cynicism to happiness in life, and proposed the dichotomy of control. The concept of dichotomy of control is also the underlying logic of Stoicism. It wants to tell us that people need to realize that some things in the world are controllable and some things are uncontrollable. We need to peel them off. , take different countermeasures.

Epictetus gave an example of a sailboat sailing in the sea. If we want a ship to sail smoothly in the sea, what we can do is to choose the right helmsman, sailors, and travel personnel. Timing, but even so we cannot guarantee that the trip will be completed smoothly. For example, sailors may get sick on the ship, and dangerous waves may be encountered on the way, which are beyond people's control.

Epictetus wanted to illustrate through this example that people’s influence on the world includes three factors: controllable, partially controllable, and completely uncontrollable. What is controllable are those goals that we can choose independently (going to sea) and the means to achieve the goals (choosing good sailors). Partial controllability refers to those factors that are still uncontrollable in the choices we have made (sailors may illness), and finally there are some factors that we are not aware of, or that we have no control over even if we are aware of them (weather). A simple dichotomy can be summarized as controllable and uncontrollable.

Epictetus pointed out that people often spend too much time and energy on factors that are beyond their control, such as complaining about the unfairness of God and why it suddenly rained heavily. Instead, we should focus on those factors that we can control. Things that we can control, such as determining the correct sailing route, preparing suitable ships, etc., and leaving those uncontrollable factors to fate, will reduce us a lot of unnecessary worries, such as whether a certain crew member will get sick.

Clearly pointing out the impermanence of things is an important contribution of the Stoics. Going back to the scene when Aurelius wrote "Meditations", the most powerful king at the time also faced many ups and downs in life. Among his 13 children, only one son and four daughters lived longer than him. Even though his children enjoyed the best medical care available at the time. Aurelius also knew that fate liked to play tricks on himself. He reminded himself every day: "I will inevitably encounter dishonest, unreasonable, betrayal, malicious and selfish people."

The author of "Meditations", Roman Emperor Aurelius

Faced with friends who were anxious about applying, I finally shared with them a serenity prayer from the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr:

May God grant My serenity allows me to accept the things I cannot change.

May God give me the courage to change the things I can change.

May God give me wisdom and let me know the difference between the two.

Professor Niebuhr may not be a Stoic himself, but these three sentences are simply the true meaning of Stoicism. As Epictetus said, I hope they can see clearly the controllable and uncontrollable factors in the long application process, and then focus on the things they can control. As for the factors that cannot be controlled, and the factors that are affected by these factors. Just accept the final result of the impact calmly.

Of course, Stoicism is not a metaphysics. I share this passage not in the hope that everyone will recite this sentence silently to comfort themselves when they have nothing to do (it may be useful, this passage does make me calm), Rather, it tells you the most important internal skills of Stoics. When faced with the problem of impermanence, think about whether you have followed these three steps: see it clearly, change it, and accept it.

Not only for applying to study abroad, but also for job promotion, raising children, or accompanying the elderly at home, being uncontrollable is an eternal topic.

You can write your application for promotion perfectly, but the company's top management may refuse to consider it due to budget reasons; you want your child to be a top student, but he may be genetically destined not to be a smart baby; you want to learn as much as possible Accompany the elderly at home, but everyone knows that life, old age, illness and death are unpredictable.

For these things, you might as well remind yourself: "I can't change it, I will accept it calmly." The Stoic mentality is a powerful shot in the arm to deal with the anxiety of the times.

My company also has an application process for promotion. We need to submit more than 10 pages of application materials to the review team of the company's senior management. They will decide internally whether to approve your promotion. job, which means that once the application is submitted, it is like leaving your destiny in the hands of others, and the results are beyond your control. As a Stoic, the way to face it is naturally: "I will try my best, but without any hope."

An exciting news is that the Stoic mentality Proved to be effective by some preliminary psychology. The University of Exeter in the UK organized a research project involving thousands of people. Participants will participate in a week of training to understand the views of Stoicism and its significance for real life. Researchers found that Stoic training improved people's positive emotions and life satisfaction over time.

Although these research results are still preliminary, my suggestion is that it is ultimately beneficial to you to understand more about a philosophical mind. Why not try to look forward to the arrival of Stoic Tranquility? After all, it can reduce a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

Finally, share three tips based on Stoic design, which can help us quickly understand Stoicism and apply them to our own lives:

1. Rationally identify controllability. When you have an emotional reaction to something, take a step back and rationally think about whether you can control the cause of the emotion. If you can't, adjust your attitude, and then accept it calmly. If you are unable to think rationally when your emotions are overwhelming, it is recommended that you practice meditation and deep breathing.

"Stomach pain is very uncomfortable. I will take medicine and no longer resist the current feeling."

2. Remind yourself that things are impermanent. This is very important, especially for those students who believe that "everything is under control" in the external environment. Wrong assumptions about the world can easily lead to anxiety and depression. To avoid unnecessary anxiety of the times, our foundation for the world Assumptions should be objective (note not pessimistic).

“Remember what we love, but everything we love is like morning dew.”

3. I am the same as others. Think about it when we see other people encounter misfortune (such as a car accident), do we feel that it is fate that they have no control over? But once this happens to us, our perspective will naturally change, and we will instinctively blame ourselves and regret why we didn't pay more attention. But in fact, why can’t we look at our own experiences from the perspective of others? If we could, we could more clearly distinguish between controllable and uncontrollable factors.

"If this happens to Nick, he can only blame his bad luck. Wait! Then why should I blame myself for not being good-looking?"