The drunk opened his misty eyes and said, "Sorry, I really can't find it. You'd better change a diver! " "
A gambler took 1000 yuan from home to gamble. A few hours later, he came back.
His wife quickly asked, "Did that big bill have a baby?"
"Yes, yes," the gambler said sadly, taking out two 10 yuan bills from his pocket. "It's a pity that their mother died."
Wise move
A citizen of Moscow lost a parrot-a parrot that can swear.
Who knows what will be said outside? The shopkeeper was very nervous. In order to avoid unnecessary trouble, he specially published an advertisement in a prestigious newspaper with a large circulation: "I lost a talking parrot, and I hereby solemnly declare that I disagree with its political views."
A family gave birth to a son, a gifted baby. After a child is born, he can talk and recognize people.
Start your own family. Sadly, the relatives died as soon as the child called them.
The child called grandpa, who was drinking water and choked to death at once. The child called grandma, and grandma was crossing.
Entered the threshold, fell down and died.
The father of the child saw that the child was so old, took a look at the child and was preparing to run away from home. I didn't expect the child's
Sweep your eyes and open your mouth. Father trembled with fear. Sure enough, the child called "Dad". Father's heart
Suddenly sank to the bottom of the sea: "I can't die like this, I will die in bed!" " "Father climbed with his legs.
Get into bed and wait for death.
Waiting and waiting, my father waited for hours, but he never died. Father's loyalty jumped up: "baby!" "
Can't beat his father! "。 Father is spreading everywhere.
At this time, the neighbor's sister-in-law came to inform her father with tears: "My poor husband was fine just now and suddenly cried."
I don't know how I died! "
Someone went to the laboratory, and the nurse pointed to a sign in front and said that non-undergraduate personnel were not allowed to enter.
The visitor was furious and scolded, "I'll take a urine test and get a fucking bachelor's degree."
The wife asked her husband: Do you like my gentleness and cuteness or my cleverness and beauty?
Husband: I like your sense of humor!
1. What kind of bird are you?
2. The flagpole erected 800 years ago-the old bachelor!
3. Eggs laid by turtles-asshole!
There is a fire in the cloth bag-burn it!
5. Flies gather honey-pretend to be crazy (bees)
6. There is water in the teapot-get out!
7. The fire burned the bamboo forest-bachelor!
8. sheets are used as diapers-generous enough!
9. Chef's March-Take the fall for others.
10. From Henan to Hunan-more difficult!
1 1 .1234567-Wang (forgot) eight!
12. 12356- None (4)
13. Full belly-straw bag!
14. The tailor didn't take a ruler-deliberately broke (quantity)
15. Cao Pi's money-not necessarily (Wei coins)
16. "Hundred Family Names" except Zhao-opening is money!
17.Axe (x) shines on people-I see through you!
18. Unplug without dripping-die hard, Rowen!
19. The zebra's head-head is right!
20. The announcer came on stage-flirting
2 1. Drink water through your nostrils-it's terrible!
22. Car accident-taking advantage of people's danger!
23. Guards on the Wall-Master (Guard)
24. Singing leg cramps-I can't get off the stage!
25. The parturient is in the delivery room-it's time for a promotion!
26. Powder the coffin-save face!
27. Silkworm baby's mouth-export into poetry (silk)!
28. Cicada is not called Cicada-Cicada!
29. Tears of singing opera-touching.
30. Eat walnuts and smash them!
3 1. The garbage in the kitchen is negligible
32. The toad in Guangzhou is difficult!
33. Protect your eyesight \ Be careful!
34. The firecracker shop caught fire. Celebrate yourself!
35. It makes no difference to hold a child to push the mill.
36. Doctors make money by selling coffins.
37. The hut is equipped with a sun (crossing) day.
38. The notice is posted on the roof \ God knows!
39. Dirty fucking shout dirty \ dirty dead!
40. Light mosquito-repellent incense under the bed.
Fifteen buckets draw water-seven up and eight down.
Half cotton.-no way. (No bullets)
Monks open umbrellas-lawlessness. (hairless)
December weather-hands and feet. Frozen hands and feet.
A father kowtows to his son-hang it all. There is no such gift.
Throwing stones at public toilets-causing public anger. (causing male feces).
Grandma's dead son-hopeless. (No uncle).
The husband slapped a face. (wife is cold).
The scholar's empty coffin was buried-defiant. There is no one in the Woods.
Eight-pronged approach-rules. (turtle lifts).
Peanuts-you must make noise. I'm going to explode.
The shoemaker doesn't have an awl-that's good. (needle and thread)
It is just right for any girl to marry Zheng Jia. (Zheng Heshi).
The monk's house.-great. (temple)
Wash Huang Lian by the river-why bother? The river is bitter.
Dreams become butterflies-daydreams. (Want to fly).
Monkeys learn to walk-pretend. (fake orangutan).
Hardcover maotai-very old. (Good wine)
Spider trawling-selfish. (from silk).
The blind lead the blind-busy is busy. (blind and blind).
Walking in the watermelon field. (The circle where the left and right sides intersect).
Take off your old shoes and put on new ones-turn over a new leaf. (changing shoes).
Sacks and straw bags-each generation is not as good as the next. One bag is not as good as one.
I can remember the beans at the bottom of the bowl. (the grain enters the eye).
Selling cloth without feet-bad intentions. (deliberate accident).
A poor carpenter starts a business-only one sentence. There is only a saw.
Brick kiln fire-rumor. (kiln smoke).
No oil lamp-fault. (fee).
Zhong Kui married his sister-fooling around. (ghost marriage)
The dung boat crossed the river-playing dead. (loading shit).
Sticking to the Nest and Mixing with Huang Lian —— Year after year of suffering. (sticky)
Open a drawer in a drugstore-have fun. (looking for pills)
Frogs dive well-I don't understand. (poop-poop).
Riding in Opera-No (Walking)
Saute pickles without soy sauce-as promised. Salt comes first.
From Henan to Hunan-it's even harder. (South Canada).
Carry a stone with a lantern-do it. (copy).
The earth temple was washed away by the flood-be careful. (Liu Shen).
Whips in the fields.-Bullshit. (urging cattle).
The backbone of children-the generation of small people. The back of the villain.
Aviation somersault-handstand. (inverted flight test).
The mouse fell into the water tank-fashionable. (wet hair).
The old monk lives in a cave-there is nothing. (No temple).
The cargo ship is at sea.-amateurs. (Foreign Airlines).
Burn the flagpole-sigh. (long charcoal).
Weasel in the henhouse-speculation. (stealing chickens).
Soak the stone in the sauce jar-it's a long story. One salt is hard to get in.
There is a reason for setting off firecrackers in the well. (with a round sound).
It is not easy for an old hen to hold an empty nest. (No eggs).
Eat ginseng-spare. (added).
Pi Di's mother-too thick-skinned. (Empress Dowager Pi).
Millennium stone Buddha statue-honest man. (Old Stone Man).
Bring a sheep into the photo studio-make a fool of yourself. (Make a sheep face)
Growing vegetables on the wall-no chance. There is no garden.
Crazy chat with a fan. (rumor)
Twelve taels of silver-for sure. (one ingot).
Sleep in the toilet-it's not far from death. It's not far from shit
Tang Priest's book is serious. A true sutra
Eating a small bowl depends on the weather. (author Tim).
The meat pot was thrown into the river-groggy. (heavy meat).
The tortoise has chicken feathers in its belly-anxious to return. The turtle's heart is like an arrow.
There is a hole behind the temple-great. The temple is finished.
Birthday star Qi Xianhe-No road. No deer.
Put down eighteen dollars twice-I've heard that for a long time. (nine articles).
Girls in dyehouses don't wear white shoes-naturally. (self-dyeing).
Tie a braid in the back-breaking the law and discipline. (tail hair disorder).
The stove turned over-what bad luck. (Pour coal).
Smoke in the rice cooker-confusion. The rice is burnt.
Nephew plays lanterns-as usual (uncle)
Confucius was moved-all lost (book)
Burning charcoal with a flagpole (sigh)
Shut the knife in the cesspit-literature (smell) is not good, and martial arts (dance) is not good.
Onion mixed with tofu-one transparent (green) and two white.
Here are some common two-part allegorical sayings:
Dumb people eat Rhizoma Coptidis-you can't tell the pain.
A scholar meets a soldier-I'm not sure.
A bachelor teaches a boy-stingy and greedy.
Money belongs to a bachelor-once lost, there is no turning back.
Blind people eat soup-know well.
Monks in Zhang Er-at sea.
Politeness and honesty-shameless
The mason opened the door-a man living his own life.
You can't steal the chicken and not eat the rice, that is to say, you didn't take advantage, but suffered.
Throw bombs in the toilet-arouse people's feces (anger)
Death married a woman-a ghost.
The following are common two-part allegorical sayings in Cantonese:
Cowhide lanterns-the focus is extremely obscure
Chopping wood under the bed-hitting the board, is to get into trouble and have problems.
Wife and bear cover-yin gong, that is, pity.
Husband fanned the flames-bleak (wife is cold), it is pitiful.
Cyclops's wife-Take a look at the sun.
Winter salted duck-get a word
Blow up ghosts overnight-no anger
Sweet potato falls into air furnace-stew
Wet Elemene-Pumping at both ends
Watermelon hits the dog-I didn't see it.
Open henhouse-self-entry
The white eel goes to the beach-either dead or dead.
Burning flagpole-there is a long row of charcoal (sigh)
Chaozhou music-take care of yourself
Fuck his wireless (wet cotton)-no chance, just impeccable.
African monks-hate (black monk) means hate.
Fish sellers take a bath/fish sellers wash themselves-there is no taste.
Bow ruler-measuring water
Aram married Ali-tired and tired
Too centimeters of pork-everyone has one.
New Year's Eve fried dumpling-everyone has it and I have it.
The number of old people buried
Mongolian Khan-Kublai Khan: I was beaten in the ass (suddenly = ass; Fierce = cracked)
Draw water with a bamboo basket-use a sieve.
Flies fly into the garden-pretend to be crazy (pretend to be a bee)
Handsome guys dance-more handsome
Gold is like gold and jade is like jade.
Eight mature, 100%; Ten mature, twenty percent lost.
Steer calmly, but sail safely.
White rice is delicious, but grain fields are not easy to grow.
Even if it rains for a hundred days, it will clear up one day.
Seeing is believing, seeing is believing.
The black sheep spend money like water, and the family cherishes dung like gold.
Help people to the end, save people to the end.
Help others forget, others help themselves remember.
Bring enough food to satisfy your hunger, and bring an umbrella on sunny days.
Drinking and eating is easy to get sick, so it is necessary to keep healthy regularly and quantitatively.
There is no discussion behind, no opinion in person.
Stupid people get up first, and stupid birds leave the forest early.
The whipped fast horse is a busy man looking for something.
Ask questions while learning, and you will learn.
Illness enters through the mouth and cold enters through the feet.
A close mouth catches no flies.
If you get well, you won't be treated, and no one will be treated next time.
Burn incense in every temple when you are in a hurry.
Illness comes quickly and goes quickly.
The patient has many hearts and many busy people.
Strike while the iron is hot and learn while you are young.
It is difficult to practice courage without taking three risks.
If you don't take charge, you don't know the daily necessities, and if you don't raise children, you don't know your parents' kindness.
Take off your shoes when you get to the river.
Don't pretend to know, it will never work.
Without rules, there would be no Fiona Fang.
Don't burn incense to offend God, and don't talk to offend others.
People who can't do small things can't do big things.
Don't scatter eagles if you don't see rabbits.
Without the cold of winter, I don't know if spring is warm.
It counts, not all.
No grinding, no refining, no sweating.
Not afraid of Pepsi's disadvantage, but afraid of discouragement.
Not afraid of not knowing the goods, but afraid of shopping around.
Not afraid to wear late, but afraid to take off early.
I am not afraid of being poor at home, but I am afraid of being lazy.
If you are not afraid of the long road, you are afraid of being old.
Not afraid of chaos, I am afraid of not investigating.
If you are not afraid of slowness, you are afraid of standing; One stop, two and a half miles.
Not afraid of being old, but afraid of lying down.
Not afraid of disrespect, but afraid of dishonesty.
I'm not afraid to come uninvited, I'm afraid I'm not skilled.
Not afraid of high mountains, but afraid of weak feet.
If you are not afraid of suffering as a teenager, you are afraid of being poor when you are old.
If you are not afraid of difficulties, you are afraid of laziness.
It's cold and not afraid of freezing, and I'm afraid my hands and feet won't work.
I'm afraid I can't learn well, but I'm afraid I'm insincere
Not afraid of shallow knowledge, but afraid of short ambition.
Not afraid of 10 thousand, just in case.
No attempt, no gain.
No burden, no weight, no distance.
If an old dog barks, he gives advice.
Don't be fooled if you don't want to be cheap.
You can't live without laughing.
There are no pigs in the trough, and dogs eat dogs unevenly.
If grass does not germinate unintentionally, if people do not develop unintentionally.
Greedy people have no food at home, and lazy people have no firewood at home.
There are no winners in gambling.
Often scold not surprised, often fight not afraid.
It is often said that a smooth mouth is not stupid.
I always think about it, but I don't always think about it.
The Yangtze river does not refuse to trickle, and Mount Tai does not choose earth and stone.
May is long, October is short, and February is neither long nor short.
Big brother is like a father, and sister-in-law is better than mother.
Some people in the court are good officials, and there are dogs at home to watch the door.
In the end, everything will work out.
Cars have lanes and horses have roads.
Support dysentery, hungry typhoid fever.
Support the brave and starve the timid.
A steelyard can be weighed, and a word can inspire people.
Although the weight is small, it can weigh as much as one thousand kilograms.
If you don't have enough food and clothing, you won't be poor all your life.
Eat without talking, sleep without talking.
Eat and drink, people go downhill.
Eat reasonably.
Wet your mouth when eating and your hands when washing your face.
Eat to prevent choking, walk to prevent falling.
Drink soup first, and you won't get hurt when you get old.
Eat like a dragon and work like a bug.
The steamed bread you eat is not fragrant, and the sugarcane you chew is not sweet.
If you eat wine instead of vegetables, you will get drunk soon.
Eating bran rice makes everyone healthy.
Eating someone's mouth is short, holding someone's hand is short.
A fall into the pit, a gain in your wit.
It is better to work late than early, and it is better to work hard than to work skillfully.
Shorter feet and longer inches.
It is unfilial to pet dogs on the stove.
Sweating is not windward, and walking is not concave.
Three days after becoming a monk, the Buddha is in front; After three years as a monk, the Buddha was in the west.
Go out and watch the sky, cook and watch the fire.
Depend on friends when you go out and parents at home.
When you go out and ask for directions, do as the Romans do.
The bow of the boat sits firmly, not afraid of the wind.
The ship is loaded with thousands of pounds, and one person is at the helm.
Sore is afraid of fame, and illness is afraid of anonymity.
It takes a hundred years to start a business, but one day is lost.
( 1)
A patient came to see a psychiatrist.
Patient: I always thought I was a bird.
Doctor: Oh, that's serious. When did it start?
Patient: Because I am a bird.
(2)
A doctor in a mental hospital asked the patient, What would you do if I cut off one of your ears?
The patient replied, then I can't hear you.
The doctor listened: mm-hmm. It is normal.
The doctor asked again, what will happen to you if I cut off your other ear again?
The patient replied, then I won't watch it.
The doctor is getting nervous. How could he not see it?
The patient replied: because the glasses will fall off.
(3)
There are two mental patients. They escaped from the hospital.
They run and run. They climbed a tree.
One of them jumped from the tree.
Go away, go away.
Then he looked up and said to the man above, hey-why don't you come down?
The man above answered him: no-good-ah-
I'm not familiar with it.
(4)
There is an old lady in a mental hospital.
Wear black clothes and hold a black umbrella every day.
Squatting in front of a mental hospital.
The doctor thought: to cure her, we must start from understanding her.
So the doctor was dressed in black, took a black umbrella and squatted there with her.
The two spent a month in silence.
The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:
Excuse me-
Are you a mushroom, too
(5)
When a mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, the dean called a meeting of the patients in the hospital at the meeting. The dean said, "This afternoon, a very important leader is coming to visit, and everyone is going to meet him at the door. When welcoming, all patients should stand on both sides of the hospital gate and stand neatly. When I cough, everyone should clap together. The more enthusiastic the better; When I stamp my foot, I have to stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready, I can give you meat buns tonight. As long as one person screws up, no one will eat steamed buns, remember? " The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember!"
This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the welcoming patient was already standing at the door. At this time, with the dean's cough, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm. The visiting leader was infected by the warm atmosphere, smiled and applauded with everyone and entered the hospital. Seeing the leader enter the hospital, the dean stamped his foot, and the applause stopped completely, very neatly. Only the leaders are still smiling and clapping.
Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger jumped out of the welcome crowd, strode to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily, "You don't want to eat steamed bread?" ! ! ! "
(6)
Mental patient A stole the phone book from the nurse's office and went back to the ward. He asked B, "What do you think of the novel I recently finished?" ?
B looked at it and replied, "Not bad. However, there are more characters. " .
Then the nurse in the mental hospital came in and said, "You put the phone book back for me!" " "
(7)
The doctor in the mental hospital wants to talk to a mental patient who is about to leave the hospital to confirm whether the patient has fully recovered.
Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?
Patient: smash all the windows in your hospital with stones.
When the doctor heard this, he found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue the treatment. How many patients have passed away?
A few months later, the doctor felt that the patient seemed ready to leave the hospital and decided to talk to him again.
Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?
Patient: Get a job.
Doctor: Then what?
Patient: Making money.
Doctor: Then what?
Patient: Save money.
Doctor: Then what?
Patient: Marry a wife.
Doctor: Then what?
Patient: The bridal chamber.
Doctor: Then what?
Patient: Take off her clothes.
Doctor: Then what?
Patient: Take off her pants.
Doctor: Then what?
Patient: Take off her underwear.
Doctor: Then what?
Patient: Take out the rubber band in your underwear, make a slingshot and find some stones to smash all the windows in your hospital.
(8)
Two mental patients, A Jun and B Jun, recovered at the same time. Their attending doctor said to them, "If one of you is ill, the other one will take him to the hospital at once."
Suddenly one day, the doctor's phone rang. It turned out to be Mr. A: "Great, Mr. B has been crawling in my toilet since this morning." "Come on, send him here quickly!" A gentleman was silent for a moment: "So … I don't have a toilet?"
(9)
In a mental hospital, a mental patient fishes in an empty fish tank every day.
One day, a nurse jokingly asked, "How many fish did you catch today?"
The mental patient suddenly jumped up and shouted, "What's wrong with you? Didn't you see it was an empty fish tank? "
( 10)
There is a mental hospital where many mental patients live.
One day, the dean was there, and in order to see the patient's recovery, he thought of a way. He told these patients to come here and drew a door on the wall, saying, "Today, whoever opens this door can go home."
As soon as psychopaths heard this, they flocked around the painted door. The dean was very disappointed. At this time, he found a patient still sitting in the original position, feeling ok. He stepped forward and asked, "Why don't you open the door?"
He looked at what the dean said and made the dean laugh and cry.
The patient secretly told the dean, "I have the key here."
( 1 1)
There is a mental hospital where two mental patients can be discharged, but the dean is afraid that they will commit another crime, so he warns them: "Whoever commits another crime, the other one will call the hospital, or you will not be discharged!"
They all agreed.
One day, the hospital suddenly called, "Hello! Hey! Hey! My companion suddenly ran to the table and said he was a desk lamp! "
"Used to be! Then why don't you send him back quickly! "
"But if I send him back, there will be no desk lamp!"
"......"
( 12)
Mental patients in hospitals usually have a worship complex for doctors or nurses.
One day, a female patient came to see a male doctor. ...
Female patient: Dr. Lan, do you love me?
Dr. Lan pondered for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid the deterioration of his condition)
Dr. Lan: We have a doctor-patient relationship. Because you are ill, I must take good care of you. ...
In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished. )
Female patient: Dr. Lan, you mean you don't love me anymore?
Dr. Lan (brooding): Hmm … hmm … hmm …
Female patient: Nothing … I love Dr. Chen …
Shortly after Hua Tuo's death, Cao Cao had a headache and almost didn't want to live, struggling and rolling, pathetic. Xelloss heard the news, kneeling on the couch, helpless, had to cry. When Mrs. Bian arrived, when she saw this, she scolded, "Why don't you ask Huatuo's imperial doctor to treat you?" Cao Pi wiped his face with long sleeves and sobbed, "I ... my father just ... just killed him!" " "
When a person says "I'm not bragging" to you, he will start bragging; When a person says "I'm not criticizing you", he will start criticizing you. When a person says "I didn't hit you", he will start hitting you. . .