We often see people like this. Their backs are thick, hard, and bulging. They have a strong ability to take on responsibility and a strong sense of responsibility. They believe that all responsibilities should be borne by themselves. . Their mantra is "I'm responsible for everything." But we live a very hard life, and what they bear far exceeds what their bodies can bear. And they are struggling to suppress their inner emotions. Most of them have been suffering from cardiovascular and cerebrovascular diseases, high blood pressure, hyperlipidemia, metabolic disorders and other diseases for a long time. The people around them also live a very hard life. Because they bear everything and let others listen to them, they bear everything and they must arrange everything. They feel that they can’t rely on anyone but themselves, and they are always right. They are different from achievers. They generally They do not blame others, but forcefully demand to keep others under their control. We call them "controlling types"

◆Speak out all your grievances

Life There are too many people like this. For such people, first look at their appearance. Let’s take a look at Chen Yufang’s back. The left half is taller, the right half is shorter than the left half, and the entire back is It is stiff, the waist is collapsed, and her hips are high, her buttocks are plump and elastic. Such a person is very strong. When we know the emotions corresponding to each part, the next step is to integrate To accurately interpret a person's personality characteristics, growth experience, and family environment is a good starting point for handling cases.

Chen Yufang has been burdened with a lot of things and has taken on responsibilities that she is unwilling to bear! Why do you say that? If a person's hips are high, it means that he has the ability to bear. If the back is also high, it means that he has indeed shouldered a lot of things. Through her hips, we can also see that the mother is stronger. Let's ask the client what do you think of your mother? Feel? "I'm more afraid of her!" "What kind of person is my mother?"

"I respect her very much" can be heard to be depressed, indicating that the mother is a responsible person in the family. , "What about your father?"

"My father is weaker." Her waist is relatively soft, and it is stepped in, which shows that the support from her father is not enough. The client said: "My father is very good to me because..."

If in a family the mother is stronger and the father is weaker, then there is no emotion between him and his father - my father is still very good to me. , but what do children need from their father? It's support! strength! A man must be upright and energetic. Only a man who is upright can give his children a sense of security. Father is our childhood idol, leaving us with a back like a mountain! What will happen to a child if she feels that her father is inferior to her when she is growing up? If she feels that her father is not strong enough, in her belief, the world can only rely on herself and no one else, so she will form a behavioral pattern of over-responsibility!

"You often have an impulse for no reason, and you have anger that wants to explode in your heart"

"Yes, you often want to get angry"

"Why is this happening? When there is aggregation here in a person's waist, the energy that agglomerates will be destructive, and then they want to get angry for no reason."

"Yes, I got angry and destroyed our family The glass of the coffee table was broken.” “I am often annoyed by my child’s affairs, and the child does not meet my expectations.”

The client said nonchalantly that what we heard was to the effect that the client wanted to go to school on his own. When he was in high school, his parents forced him to go to normal school, so he hoped that his children would go to high school, enter college, and follow the life she planned for their children. This is called "compulsive repetition" in psychology. Compulsive repetition was first discovered when observing children's behavior. After a child has experienced a painful or happy event, he will unconsciously create the same opportunity again and again in the future in order to Experience the same emotion. Later, psychologists discovered that many behavioral patterns of the original family are learned by children, thus forming a kind of repetition, which means that people often inadvertently repeat the behavior of their parents. This is also a type of "compulsive repetition".

Chen Yufang said firmly: "I just want him to experience what I have never experienced." ’ It does appear that she did not realize that she was repeating the same pattern of parental behavior that caused her distress.

Chen Yufang’s child had a stomachache and did not want to go to school. The teacher asked her child if he had a stomachache. Does he suffer from depression? Stomach discomfort usually means grievance, and long-term grievance can easily lead to depression.

"He said he had a stomachache either because he didn't want to go to school or because he felt uncomfortable."

"I didn't feel well, so I didn't do it or study." Forced to learn the child's tone, hoping that the anxious mother can hear the grievances. Chen Yufang completely ignored emotions. People often only pay attention to the surface of things without seeing the emotions contained in them. Therefore, there is a famous saying in psychology: deal with emotions first, and then deal with things. We must know that if there is no emotional interference , many problems are not a problem.

We no longer discuss superficial issues with Chen Yufang, but directly ask about feelings, are you in pain?

She was obviously a little confused, but she quickly came to her senses and nodded vigorously.

‘’Are you wrong? "She was even more confused when she heard such a question, her eyes widened, and she shook her head.

Yes, she was not wrong! She was just following a pattern. This pattern affected her, and she came here just to Want to solve the problem! Tears filled her eyes silently.

? Invited Chen Yufang to crawl on the bed and felt a finger-thick cord in her heart, so we Guide her to see the person who made her sad and express her emotions, and talk about the details that have been buried in her heart for these years. At this time, she needs to understand "I know you have paid a lot" and lead her at the same time. The client faces, communicates, and reconciles. The whole process takes about forty or fifty minutes, like peeling an onion, from the outside to the inside, from the surface of the matter to the family relationship and back to the childhood experience and the life of the original family. , after reconciling again and again and making her declaration of happiness, she felt a force slowly spreading in her body.

The external manifestation of the controlling type: a hard back

In the eyes of others, they are always strong, and they never give up. They are generally people with broad shoulders and thick backs. Their appearance is like a thick fortress, and their backs are indestructible. As hard as a wall, the lumbar spine is deeply caved in. When we meet such people, we often tell them that there are actually tears behind you. They will lose some of their height, become thinner and softer, but their tears will be very suppressed, and they will almost never cry in front of others.

I came to the studio some time ago. The lady looked like she was a smart and capable person, her back was as hard as a wall and bulging high, so we asked her if she was tired? She sighed and said, so what if she is tired? "She said that she often feels tired, chest tight, flustered, and short of breath. She takes on too many responsibilities and takes them involuntarily. When she is anxious, she feels that she can't rely on anyone but herself, so she tires herself out. No, when I massaged his back, he suddenly wanted to cry. He didn’t know why. We knew it was because there were too many tears stored in her thick back, so we guided her to cry whenever she wanted. Cry, release all the tears. So she painfully told her life experience?

She has been married for twenty years, her husband is very handsome, and she has a lovely child. When they first got married, they Life was very poor, so she began to work hard to make money, and regarded making money as her only pursuit. As long as she could make more money, she would be very satisfied. Since she had been poor since she was a child, her father could not work, and the family relied entirely on her mother to support her, she learned to She has the characteristics of her mother, who is hardworking and strong like a boy since she was a child. She has helped her parents work and looked after her younger brother since she was a child. After she got married, she did not let her husband worry about anything. She took care of both her career and family alone. At first, her husband fought side by side with her, but when they became richer and richer, her husband became farther and farther away from her, and she didn’t know what happened. After so many years, she felt that what material things were not important at all, and her husband was the most important. It's important, but no matter how hard I try, I feel that my happiness is gone. I don't know what money and career can bring me. The more she talks, the sadder she becomes and she can't help crying!

Usual Strength and external strength are actually the outer shell of controlling people. Faced with huge pressures, they always use a sentence to hypnotize themselves: "You can't rely on anyone but yourself." Only by being strong and powerful can you be respected and get success. status, I want to be a capable person. They always tell themselves that I can do what others can do, and I must take on all responsibilities and support my family.

They used all their strength to keep their eyes bright and their bodies thick and strong so that they could withstand the wind and rain. As a result, their backs became thicker and harder.

At the same time, decades of hard work have made them exhausted, and they will also feel physically and mentally exhausted. Long-term pressure has caused them to accumulate a lot of sadness, grievances, and anger, and these malignant emotions are stored in the form of energy substances. In their bodies, the blood is blocked and the meridians are blocked, causing physical symptoms.

The inner world of the controlling type: powerful vulnerability

In our opinion, the controlling type of people. They are always strong, they will not shirk their responsibilities, they will always rush to the front when encountering problems, charge into battle, and move forward courageously. They will not complain in front of anyone. They will keep all the tears that we cannot see in their hearts, no matter how you use them. It is difficult for shells to destroy their hard shells. However, inside their hard shells, there is actually a fragile child who needs protection and expects dependence. They generally rarely let others help them. In their model, being helped is This is a painful thing for them, and they have a barrier in their hearts to ask for help. Even their closest relatives are not allowed to help them. Of course, this is just a subconscious rejection, and behind the rejection is a strong desire.

Most of the controlling types are women, and the formation of their behavior pattern has a deep relationship with their families.

In the family, the mother brings nourishment, tolerance and love to the child, making the child feel a warm sense of belonging, while the father brings support, protection and strength to the child, giving the child a sense of security. However, in a controlling family , what they have seen since childhood is that their mother is very strict and powerful. Due to their mother's busyness and commitment, they have lost the opportunity to be loved and cared for. At the same time, due to their father's weakness or absence, they have lost the feeling of being supported. As a result, they have formed a small self without support and protection since childhood, and a strong self that takes responsibility for their father and learns from their mother's strong self. These two selves will remain entangled throughout their lives, and most of their emotions stem from this entanglement. Habitual commitment will make them regard it as their whole life. When starting a new family or working in the workplace, they will shoulder all the responsibilities, and their vulnerability will be deeply buried in their hearts. Too much responsibility will cause their tears of grievance to accumulate in their hearts, which will become a threat to their health.

?No matter how strong the fortress is, it will collapse one day, and there will be a moment when strong people cannot hold on. Years of responsibilities have left them physically and mentally exhausted, and diseases have emerged.

The controlling person does not allow himself to stop, nor does he allow others to support or rely on others. Even if he finds someone he can rely on, he does not have the ability to believe that this person can rely on him, or he is not qualified to rely on him. Being strong and patient has become their attitude towards life.

Self-regulation for controlling people: finding feelings

Feelings are our innate abilities. We are born with them. We hear, smell, touch and see. We know how hot, cold, full and hungry...these are initially Feelings also dominate our emotions. But the controlling type was forced to isolate himself from his own feelings when he was very young, and he also gradually became isolated from his own emotions. Therefore, if he wants to be able to handle his emotions well, he must first find the feeling.

?For you who have been running around and tired for a long time, it may not be easy to find the feeling. At this time, we can start with the physical feeling. For example, when you are very tired, lie down quietly, Feel your body first to see what kind of sensations in your body cause you to feel tired. Communicate with each part of your body one by one. Change postures from time to time to see what different sensations different postures cause in your body. Feelings of physical discomfort usually include soreness, numbness, and pain, and each feeling has different degrees and forms. You try to use words to express your body's feelings, and slowly, you will be able to describe your body's feelings. Next, you can further try to describe your emotional experience. The most primitive emotions of human beings include joy, anger, sorrow, and fear, and each primitive emotion has different degrees and forms. On the basis of these basic emotions, through the processing of self-understanding, we will also have many kinds of responses to different social environments. Compound emotions, such as anxiety, depression, hostility, guilt, attachment, etc. You can experience your own feelings when you are busy and tired but cannot ask others for help, and see which parts of your body feel uncomfortable at this time, and how you feel in your heart.

? Finding feeling will help us connect with our long-lost inner child and evoke the richness of feeling we are born with. By softening our hearts little by little, we will become more and more harmonious with ourselves and with others.

Behavioral experiment: Letting go of responsibility

?Everyday stress accompanies you like a shadow. For you, life is responsibility. Of course, a sense of responsibility is a virtue. But taking responsibilities that do not belong to oneself is actually unknowingly shouldering the fate of others, managing other people's lives, and being responsible for other people's lives. When you are responsible for the lives of others, it is easy for you to forget yourself and lose yourself. You tie your own life to the lives of all your "relatives". When you lose yourself, you also kidnap others. In fact, each of us can only be responsible for our own life and cannot bear the responsibility of anyone else's life. Taking responsibility for oneself is a sign of maturity and health. Taking responsibility for oneself is also the direction of growth for everyone. Giving others the right to grow freely is your first lesson.

?In the process of taking on the responsibilities of others for a long time, you have made the people around you develop a habit of dependence, incompetence, and powerlessness. When they are like a group of grown-up children attached to you, you will be so tired that you can't breathe. Now please do a little experiment. choose. For a person around you, you may have arranged everything for him in his past life. Among the things you arranged, some are things you can do for him, and some should be done by him. You try to choose Come up with something that you think should be done by him, and let him do it by himself, such as helping brothers and sisters who have started their own families to handle their household chores.

?At the beginning of this experiment, you may feel a lot of pressure, because everyone seems to be used to your "care", and your parents may feel that you should take care of other brothers more. Sisters take responsibility, and the brothers and sisters you help may not always say good things about you, but once you let go, they will have countless complaints against you.

At this time, if you think the time permits, you can tell your parents directly: "I am also your child. I can only be your son and daughter, and I love you like other children. We have all grown up, and so have our brothers and sisters." When they get older, I can no longer be their parent. "I should give them back their responsibilities in life. Support their growth and return their right to grow. I believe they can be responsible for their own lives. I return responsibilities that are not mine to them, and I also return the responsibilities of parents to you.

? If you feel that you cannot express your thoughts so frankly, then please say it to your parents several times in your heart, pay attention to your feelings when you say it, and keep talking to you. I think you can look them in the eye and say this and see how you feel inside. Please choose to believe in everyone from today on, believe in their ability to manage their own lives, let go of responsibilities that do not belong to you, travel lightly, and live your own style.

?Physical practice: Give yourself some time, relax your body and mind every day, and do some exercise. This is very important for the control type, especially those exercises that can make you soft, such as yoga, Or practice meditation carefully.

The controlling type often causes blockage of the heart meridian due to long-term depression, which can be adjusted by massaging the Jiquan point on the Shaoyin heart meridian of the hand. Jiquan point is located at the top of the armpit. If you touch Jiquan point with your fingers, you will feel sore and numb. It means that the heart meridian is smooth. If the soreness cannot reach the fingers, it means that there is blockage on the heart meridian, and it is necessary to focus on clearing it. At the same time, you can also practice hip kicking. Stand with your hands on the wall, kick your feet backwards in turn, and try to use your heels to contact your buttocks. Do this fifty times each day, which can effectively clear the liver and kidney meridians. After practicing, throw your legs and relax. Loose your ankles to promote blood circulation.

Meditation: You can sit down and watch your breathing, or you can find a meditation guide and relax according to your own preferences.