Excerpted from an article about friendship by Mr. Qian Zhongshu in "Qian Zhongshu's Essays: Talking about Friendship": What is true friendship
In several languages ????that I know only a little , nothing can express the essence of friendship better than the so-called "unfriended" in ancient Chinese proverb. The word "prime" perfectly describes the essence of pure and simple friendship. Element is the basis of all colors, and it is also the harmony of all colors, just like the day contains seven colors. True friendship seems to be insignificant, but it has a deep friendship that transcends life and death.
If love is a necessity in life, then friendship can only be regarded as a luxury; therefore, God took pity on Adam’s loneliness and only created Eve for him, not another Adam. two. We often compare flames to love, and this metaphor is more appropriate than we expected. Love is as greedy as fire, has the same tendency to spread, and has the same cruelty, destroying the solid raw materials and exchanging the ashes for light and warmth. Like Byron, like Goethe, like Musset, the whole life has been swept through like wildfire. The white, maroon, and brown mistress’s bloody red hearts, white hearts, and yellow hearts (Sun Xingzhe’s magical power) are all Burned to death, it only provides fuel. Although mistresses need new ones to be interesting, friends still let old ones be good. The erosion of friendship by time is like water flowing through a pebble, but it becomes smooth and clean. Because friendship is not a sharp need, among good friends, the precursor of boredom, a feeling of contentment, rarely occurs, like when we finish finishing the last dish, put down the knife and fork, lean back on the chair, and prepare to ask the waiter to bring coffee. Of course, the feeling of the time cannot be generalized, it depends on what kind of friends you have.
A Western proverb goes: "A friend is a true friend when you are in urgent need or when you are tired." This is unavoidably superficial. When we are in urgent need, that is when we least need friends. If a friend has money, we need his money; if a friend has rice, what we lack is his rice. At that time, we may need real friends, but what we really need is not friends. We talk about friendship, save face, and move here and there. The purpose is not to make friends themselves, but to use friendship as a tool and a convenient method. We are often the most knowledgeable and knowledgeable friend, but when we are in a hurry, we have no intention of appreciating his humor, his embrace, and his charm. The breeze is wrapped in the sleeves, the water is swallowed, and the clouds listen to the conversations of good friends, forgetting hunger and thirst, even celebrities who are so noble that they are not popular may not be able to live in this way. This remark has nothing to do with Liu Xiaobiao's complaint about the so-called good fortune. It is one thing whether a friend is generous or stingy, and whether he is willing to solve problems and help others. Our unbreakable prejudice is that someone and I are friends. If I have difficulties, someone should help me. That is another matter. Even though my friends were generous and righteous, what they had was actually mine. When I was in need of money and needed a loan, I always had bad intentions and talked about kindness, but in fact it had no effect. Just look at how many friendships in the world have a layer of barrier due to unrealized requests. Similarly, if someone we usually look down on and have the least contact with can help at this time, he will be more caring than our usual friends, and we are grateful for it. You can make new friends immediately, and the friendships accumulated over several years can be transferred on the spot. Friendship when you are sleepy is the least valuable - no, its value can best be assessed with money! I often feel that since "The Theory of Guangdong Severance of Friendship" and later, the poems and essays about friendship all hope too much for friends and criticize them too harshly. They only say that friends are small-minded and ignore the fact that we ourselves are poor and have small eyes. , only recognizes things like money, but does not recognize friends who may not be able to borrow money or are willing to borrow anything. Gulshmi's Oriental story "The History of Asan's Pain" is relatively unknown. The single volume published in 1877 has a preface in which he says that he wants to create a friendship meter based on the amount of money his friends are willing to lend him. The highs and lows of friendship. Even elegant people like Zhang Chuanshan are not immune to this kind of self-indulgent view of friendship, so why should he complain about "being arrogant even if he tolerates vulgarity, and gradually becoming less close to each other after making friends with others". "The Theory of Extensive Severance of Diplomacy" only scolded our snobbish friends on our behalf. We also need an "Essay on Opposing Severance of Diplomacy" to scold their snobbish friends on our behalf, which is ourselves. In "Water Margin", it is written that Song Jiang assassinated Jiangzhou, and Dai Zong asked him for favors and money. Song Jiang said: "Favours, favors, depend on one's will!" The truly wise sayings are ten thousand times more insightful than those of Liu Xiaobiao, Zhang Chuanshan, etc.
It is strange to say that this sentence with the meaning of "forgiveness" goes beyond what Zhu Chuanhuoer Zhang Heng said "does not love friendship but only loves money" and the leader of robbers who robbed people's homes. This can't help but make people shake their heads and sigh: The first sigh comes, sigh Only robbers understand the truth better than the scholar-officials! But wait, there is a second sigh; the second sigh comes, the sigh understands the truth, but it is inevitable to set fire to kill people, and the words and deeds do not match, so he is a robber!
Speaking of material aid to spiritual assistance, we think of Confucius’s so-called beneficial friends who are straightforward, understanding and knowledgeable. This bleached utilitarianism is nothing more than saying that we must make friends with people who are beneficial to our character and intelligence. My bias is that this kind of friendship is not very solid. Confucius contrasted the good friends who are outspoken and kind with the bad friends who are "reclusive, kind and gentle". Of course, they refer to those young and old adults who are outspoken and outspoken and encourage good deeds that they meet everywhere. Born with a cricket-like temper, he always tries his best to maintain a respectful distance from good people who like to meddle in other people's affairs in order to save trouble and avoid getting angry. However, whenever enemies meet in a narrow road, it is inevitable to listen to a lesson. Recently, he has developed a deep self-cultivation, and Zilu will be happy when he hears about it. This is not just a boast, he is quite capable of achieving it. Listen to the advice of the "good friend" who is straightforward, and you should never find out your conscience and cry in sorrow; when he sees your frightened expression, he will feel that you are more evil than good, and he will gain a lot of momentum, scolding and persuading you, and you will be able to speak well. It was hard to argue, and then I said a few sweet words, patted my shoulder to say goodbye, and laughed alone along the way, feeling that I had done immeasurable good deeds for heaven. On the other hand, if you put a big smile on your face and admit it with your mouth; if he says you are cursing, you will say that you are like so-and-so, who not only deserves to be scolded, but also deserves to be killed and beheaded; if he says you are mean, you will say, you are more than mean. , and wanted to poison him. At that time, it was his turn to elongate his face like it had been ironed, and he couldn't laugh or cry. Generally speaking, people who are the most conceited, outspoken, and like to disobey others, like the good Christian men and women I have met in recent years, are also the most intolerant of others' advice. Therefore, you rarely see any friendship between straight and forgiving people; perhaps straight hearts are like straight lines in geometry, two parallel lines will never join.
The "good friends" who are too knowledgeable are equally unreliable. A person who is well-informed and well-read may be a counselor, but may not be a friend, unless he has other attractive qualities besides his knowledge. De Bellows criticized Voltaire: "Others respect and love him only because his poems are good. It is true that his poems are not bad, but we should only love his poems." - The implication is, of course, that we He doesn't have to love his people. I heard a sentence last year that was even more satisfying. A boyfriend encouraged me to match him up with a girlfriend. I have never been a matchmaker in my life, and I was curious to try it out. When he saw the girlfriend, he declared his intention to come. The first item was that the boyfriend was very knowledgeable. When he was about to say the second item and the third item that perfectly combined the scientific method, the girl smiled coldly and said: "What if?" If you are knowledgeable, you should marry him. There are many old university professors of liberal arts who are widowers." These two examples can also be applied to "good friends" who are knowledgeable. For example, when it comes to reading, reference books contain the richest materials and are most useful, but few people regard them as companion reading. There is a wonderful test in Yide's "Diary"; he said that regarding the many books, we should ask: Who should read this kind of book? Regarding the many people, we should ask: What books can such people read? According to this statement, a well-informed "beneficial friend" is someone who specializes in reading reference books. Well-informed people often have the same fate as reference books. Once used, they are like squeezed dry lemons, tasteless when chewed, and discarded with no regrets.
This is not to say that friends are of no benefit to you; I am just explaining that people who can benefit you physically and mentally are not necessarily considered friends. The benefits of friends cannot be discussed in such a superficial way. The formation of true friendship is not due to intentional traction between the two parties, but rather accidental and unconscious. Under the level of consciousness, there is a seed of friendship lurking in unknown time and month; Eh! Look at it sprouting in your heart. In the warm, dense, spring night-like subconscious, an outsider suddenly sneaked into the room, oh! It turned out to be him! The product of true friendship is simply a joy that permeates your body and mind. Without this kind of pleasure, no matter how open and knowledgeable you are, there will be no friendship. When you come into contact with your true friends and feel this kind of happiness, the stinginess and cruelty in your heart will naturally disappear without the need for preaching persuasion. Have you never heard the sound of the wind howling in the chimney late at night in the dead of winter? It's like letting out the knot in your mind and blowing it away until it dissipates. However, it leaves no traces of language or words and is not bound by gold, stone, silk and bamboo. Huang Shanshangu's "Tea Ci", which he has read hundreds of times, puts it best: "Just like an old friend under the lamp, seeing his shadow after returning from thousands of miles away; the mouth cannot speak, but the heart is happily introspecting.
"It is indeed better to make friends than to drink tea. People who deliberately want to make "beneficial friends" are not like the ancient Chinese drinking tea, but more like the British drinking tea in the afternoon: strong and bitter Indian black tea, and sugar cubes. Milk, plus bread, butter, pastries, and even sausage meat pancakes, dry and moist, as lively as a water and land dojo, filling the stomach casually and finishing it off. Among the few languages ????that I know a little bit, there is no better way to do it than the ancient Chinese saying "Su Jiao". Expressing the essence of friendship. The word "Su" perfectly describes the essence of pure and simple friendship. Su is the basis of all colors and the harmony of all colors, just like the seven colors of daylight. Although the past is dull, there is a deep friendship that transcends life and death. If the friendship is not dull and boring, it is love or platonic friendship. The ancient Chinese called couples "tired friends", which is also a thoughtful and meaningful saying that cannot be found in foreign literature. . Therefore, true friendship is a deeper relationship than spiritual or material assistance. Pope's title to Pauling White Locke is very thoughtful and interesting: "Philosopher, mentor, friend." "I had five of my most beloved teachers in college, all of whom were, as Pope said, philosophers, mentors, and even friends. These five teachers, as well as three or four other good friends, all showed indescribable kindness to me. However, my friendship with them is not due to indescribable benefits, but rather to indescribable benefits. Montaigne’s words to explain his life-and-death relationship with La Baie are very useful: “Because he is him, because I am him. "I", there is nothing else to say. The plain characters of Su Jiao have already realized this colorless friendship; the happiness that "cannot be expressed in words" can only be described by the method of wordless scripture.
< p> There is also a type of friend, which is slightly different from acquaintances. Most of these friends are acquaintances who are slightly younger than you. If you tease them, you will favor them; if you bully them, you will protect them. It's like the relationship between Johnson and Boswell. This kind of friend is like a little secret of yours, which is private to you and is not willing to be made public. You can only laugh and curse at him. When it comes to drinking tea, this kind of companionship can only bring you more happiness than what Jin Shengtan said about scabies in hidden places in the West Chamber, which is so painful when you are locked up. , depicting the subtle and comfortable tinea itch can also convey this feeling.