01. Happy Family

When I was a child, there was a subject in school called Social Health Education. There was a picture in it, saying that your father would send you to school, and if you followed him, he would pick you up from school. , so warm.

Later I saw it more clearly, and it turned out that the people who dropped me off and picked them up from school were different!

They were basically two people, two dads!

02. Dad

I always thought that dad was optional and additional.

Yes, most people have dads, just like most cars have radios.

But its appearance is optional! Not every car has it.

So when I was a child, I hated that brat saying in front of me all day long: "My dad is so, so, so, so..."

I think this man has a good life, just like you I have a car that I keep telling people:

"My car has a canopy and is surrounded by people!"

You might as well say: "My dad has a canopy. Use unleaded gasoline!”

03. Fight

I don’t fight with others.

Really, a person of my age has never fought with anyone.

Because I have always felt that if you fight with someone, and that person looks stronger than you, there is no reason to be so stupid.

If this person doesn’t seem like enough for you to fight at first sight, but he still wants to fight you, then he must have a secret weapon!

04. Dogs

Everyone, if you have a dog, you might as well observe it carefully.

No matter how happy your dog is, there is always a deeper layer of sadness behind his happiness.

That sadness comes from the fact that when you come home from get off work, he can’t tell you:

“Don’t change clothes, go out to the street to eat, I’ll treat you!”

(Because your dog has no money, it will always depend on you)

05. Sex education

Parents don’t know how to teach sex education. Do you know about the demonstration?

They knew, but they had no chance to demonstrate, because every night when the demonstration time came, dad would say:

It’s nine o’clock, Zihua, why don’t you go to bed?

Tell me to go to bed at nine o'clock? Do you think I am a farmer?

Maybe they don’t mind the demonstration, but I don’t know if I have such a need?

Don’t know? I read sister magazines every day, really just to see fashion? I don’t know!

Everyone knows it all but pretends not to know.

Since everyone is so hypocritical, from now on, when the family is the social circle, everyone will be polite and accept it.

——Dad, my mother asked you if you would come back for a potluck dinner tonight?

——Grandma, your husband said that home-cooked meals are not good, so I’m disturbing you.

——Little sister, your father asked you to go to the street and buy a newspaper.

Why don't you call me? I am your brother. Believe it or not, my brother is your daughter!

06. Responsibility

If you tell me that I can’t film because I’m not handsome enough.

You shouldn't tell me, because it's none of my business and I shouldn't bear this responsibility. You should tell my parents that they made me like this. If you want to punish them, you should punish them. From now on, if anyone is born ugly, their parents will be punished and not allowed to film, or they may only be able to do a side job!

I am not an irresponsible person. I have been responsible for decades for the short pleasure of my parents. Do I think it is easy for me?

I did not hold my parents responsible for my poor study or failing in exams when I was a child. I signed the score sheet myself!

Whenever my parents quarreled, I didn’t ask them to tolerate each other for the sake of my childhood, I just asked them to go out on the street and scold them!

When I grew up, I didn’t know which religion I should believe in, why I should be a human being, or the direction of my life and career. I didn’t ask my parents to take care of me.

On the contrary, I turned around and reminded them: You have to make money and store up grain to prevent hunger, otherwise you will be helpless when you grow old!

Everything is mine!

07. Confused

At the company, my boss would say to me: "When you return to the company, you either sleep or go to the toilet. Do you think this is your home?"

When I get home, my mother will say to me again: "Do you still think this is your home? When you come back, you either sleep or go to the toilet!"

Then...I I can’t sleep or go to the toilet at home, and I can’t go to the toilet or sleep when I get back to work. So where should I go to do these things?

Later I thought about it seriously and realized that I had gone too far, so I changed my ways. From now on, when I get home, I just sleep, and when I get back to work, I just go to the toilet.

08. Eighteen years old

Why is eighteen years old the legal age?

Because at the age of eighteen, we are legally responsible for ourselves!

Superfluous! Don’t we have to be responsible for ourselves before we turn eighteen? Could it be that before I was eighteen years old, I could rush out of the road at any time: "I am only seventeen and a half years old, I don't believe you dare to hit me to death!"

Could it be that before I was eighteen years old, I could rush out of the street on the street If you punch a little gangster, the little gangster will say: "Boy, you are not eighteen years old yet, I will tolerate you!"

In fact, the biggest advantage of being eighteen is that you have reached a legal age. Do! Love age.

I would like to ask, who has sex because it is legal? Still most people do! Is love for orgasm and pleasure?

If you tell me that there is no climax when you have sex before the age of 18, and that having sex before the age of 18 is for nothing, then turning 18 is of special significance!

09. Children’s Education

I have always believed that we always lie to children, pretend to be nice, and make this world seem like a fairy tale world. ! This is wrong!

When I was a child, my mother and I were flying on a plane and saw that the water in the toilet was blue. I had never seen it before, so I went to ask my mother what it was. My mother said: "It's the sky." So I became the first person in the world to eat the sky.

When I was a child, adults often told fairy tales about Snow White. They said Snow White was so beautiful, so gentle, and so worth pursuing.

But it didn’t say that we were Prince Charming! Who is Prince Charming? At least there must be a white horse. That is to say, you are a BMW owner! Do you think so?

It is dangerous to tell half of the story and not tell the other half. It's like you said to a child: "Xiao Ming, it's so fun to fly out of the window. The whole Hong Kong can see it, floating in the air..."

But you didn't tell him: " But when you fall down, it will be faster than taking the elevator!"

10. Civilization

I have always felt that the three greatest discoveries in human history are:< /p>

First, Newton discovered gravity.

Second, Einstein discovered the theory of relativity.

Third, I just didn’t know that magazine discovered masturbation. Harmless to the human body.

01. Structural transformation

One day, your boyfriend said to you: "We broke up."

You will say: "What happened this time?"

Your boyfriend will correct you: "This time is different, this time...last time... .Next time... These general separations, the ones that happen every three days, are called "cyclical breakups." Since this breakup is cyclical, I I am willing to give you a little more breakup fee. If you are willing to participate in this voluntary breakup plan, I can add another 3 percent. Don't say it, there is nothing to say this time, we can't be together, unless... ...You can make structural transformation...breast augmentation!"

When something called "structural unemployment" appears in a society, it tells you the nature of this society. Basically: unsympathetic.

It is really serious now. Many people have been unemployed for a long time and it is difficult to find a job. These people will consider suicide and lose the confidence to continue their lives.

I think, these friends, if you really think about taking this step, you really have to ask yourself: Are you willing to make structural transformation?

Ladies, I’ve told you, you want breast augmentation! I'm not kidding, breast augmentation can really help you find a job. I don’t invite anyone, but if you say you have had breast augmentation, I want to meet you!

For the next interview, fill out your resume with three words: "Breast augmentation." I guarantee you an interview.

(Manager:) "Have breast augmentation? Ask her to come in..."

"Miss, you said you had breast augmentation again, but you don't seem to feel too much about it. Oh, why?”

(Miss:) “Oh~~ No, manager, I graduated from Harvard, so I can’t exaggerate.””

Men, Which part of your structure needs to be transformed?

Yes, your little JJ

We Chinese have always had this tradition. In every dynasty, when a large number of people are unemployed...structural transformation... Be a eunuch. And there are many eunuchs who later became CEOs!

In fact, eunuchs are the industry that makes people mature the fastest. One moment ago you were still a man, and the next moment you are the father-in-law! .....

02. I read few books

On the contrary, I really appreciate another sentence of Bruce Lee, which has a great impact on me. This sentence is Fist of Fury In the book, he said something before he died: I have read few books (make a fist and draw your index finger in front of your face a few times, a classic Bruce Lee move), don’t lie to me!

When I was a child, I was always afraid of reading too few books. Only then did I realize that it turns out that even having too few books can be so cool!

It will be completely different in the future. When it comes to exams, "I have read few books, ah, SIR, don't take the test on me!"

This applies to any aspect of life. "I don't read much, don't lie to me! .... How can I sell these oranges?"

I also hope that when our National People's Congress deputies go to the meeting above, they suddenly walk on the stage during the meeting. Said: "I haven't read much, don't lie to me! How many people are there in a small group of people?"

03. Complex

However, I am a person with complicated feelings. If a person with complicated emotions only loves you, he will become emotionally defective. Even if you have an emotionally defective person forever, it will be useless.

04. Ghost Questions

My father is a person who loves to ask questions.

If he was robbed by a thief, he said he would ask the thief why he was so willing to fall.

If he met a ghost, he said he would ask the ghost why it scared him.

I surrender. I really don’t understand how I should react to human beings because there are too many thieves among them.

What should I do when facing ghosts? I feel more and more that my father’s attitude is correct.

The question is, are there really ghosts in the world?

I have never seen a ghost.

Not only that, before I was fifteen, I had never known anyone who had seen a ghost.

I am ashamed to say that I don’t know if there is a congenital defect in the genetic factors. No one in my family, including my parents, brothers, uncles, sisters, and cousins, has any experience of encountering ghosts. Growing up, the scariest story I heard at home was the one my grandfather always talked about, about a farmer smoking in a raincoat in the middle of the night and being mistaken for a monster in the X-Files. You can imagine my family’s experience in this area.

Of course, when I walk through the narrow alleys, I suddenly feel a chilly breeze, I feel like I am being pressed by a ghost when I am dreaming in the middle of the night, I feel something in my pants for no reason when I urinate in a public toilet. After scratching the itch, I tried all these, and many friends couldn’t wait to say that this was the ironclad proof that I was evil. But my common sense tells me that if I tell others that I have a ghost-hunting experience based on these low-level materials, I will only be judged as a hysterical ghost-hunter. For the same reason, I refuse to accept any ghost story. Do you want to convince me that you have encountered a ghost? Please hold yourself to higher standards. Otherwise, I will just think of you as a farmer in a raincoat who farts instead of smoking.

The years have passed by, and fifteen winters and summers have passed, but I have never heard a convincing ghost story.

At the age of fifteen, I finally heard the solid information!

The tutor told me that on her way home, she met the old man who had just died upstairs in the stairwell!

Wow, it’s fresh and hot and vivid to witness with your own eyes, and there’s also a flower vacation?

I am very happy for myself. After all this time, I can finally hear a real ghost story. This life is really worth it.

Who knows, it’s just the beginning!

Look at three! The legal age for movies is eighteen, and the legal age for ghost stories turns out to be fifteen. As soon as the age reaches, the social door opens, no need to buy a ticket, the stories of the underworld are delivered to your door for free. Real people and real stories, first-hand information, teeth and claws, children and old men are innocent.

A friend woke up from his sleep and suddenly found a dead head on his pillow. Just when she was about to shout, the other end disappeared in front of her.

A friend was obsessed with ghosts and lost his normality in the evening. He walked alone into the sea and drowned himself. Every night his family looked at him as if they were facing an enemy. The family lived in this state for two years.

In addition, a large group of friends encountered evil spirits at the same time. Each of them encountered various things that only happen in horror movies in their own environment: seeing another person in the mirror, For no apparent reason, you will see your seatmate bleeding from all his orifices, and you will see handkerchiefs rising and floating out of the house, etc.

If you think these are still too unreal, a friend said that when he goes home every day, he will see a man in white sitting in the living room watching TV without a remote control. Also, he likes to watch more wireless movies.

Is it real enough?

In short, from the age of fifteen to now, I have heard enough ghost stories. It got to the point where I started to get a little annoyed.

What, in all the stories I’ve heard, ghosts are always the oppressors?

Why are there always ghosts that scare people, ghosts that appear in human form, and ghosts that seek revenge and are so evil? Even when we went to Shing Mun Reservoir for a picnic and ran to the water to urinate, we still had to ask whether we should borrow something or not.

We are accustomed to the terrifying nature of ghosts, as if we were born thieves and ghosts were soldiers!

We are afraid of ghosts to the extent that if a ghost really appears in our home, we will comfort ourselves that it is a good ghost and will not disturb us.

Boss, in Hong Kong, what’s more terrifying than having to live and die to pay rent and property? You bastard is occupying my precious space and you want me to speak nicely for you? Do you know how many Yuanbao candles I can eat for you just by paying my salary?

Dear human beings, it’s time to regain some dignity.

How to pick up the Dharma?

Fear, fear, is human nature. When I got up in the middle of the night and took a sip of water, it took the opportunity to pop out of the darkness and grinned. I was really surprised that something was going on. But we can't just scare it every time.

We have to be mentally prepared to fight back, yes, no matter how weak it is.

What I suggested was what my father proposed: ask it a question!

Don’t underestimate this issue. If everyone who encounters ghosts can successfully ask a question to a ghost once, and one out of every ten ghosts is willing to answer honestly once, can you imagine how much knowledge we have accumulated about ghosts so far? And when we can compile a book called "One Hundred Thousand Whys About Ghosts?" 》, it may be the beginning that we no longer need to be afraid of ghosts, but ghosts are afraid of us.

Therefore, I have made up my mind early on. If one day and one night, I am really lucky enough to be able to hit a ghost, no matter how scared I am, I will fight to the death. Ask it a question.

　I have also prepared questions:

　Brother Ghost, to be honest, apart from scaring people, what is your greatest entertainment? ?

05. Zhu Fengqu

Zhu! 镕! Why is gay obsessed with Xiangjiang?

Of course not based on his economic policies or theories.

Huang SIR believes that the popularity of something that requires a lot of brain thinking must be limited.

"Macro-control" is definitely not as popular as "macro-air conditioning".

"State-owned enterprise joint-stock system" will definitely not be as profitable as "state-owned enterprise Young and Dangerous".

Yang Guo must be more popular with ladies than Yang Huaikang.

　Benefiting workers and the people will certainly achieve higher results than benefiting the people...

　The evidence is as solid as a mountain, and you will not accept it until it is reached. If you still have questions, it must be that my writing is not clear enough and I use my brain too much.

Zhu! 镕! Why is gay obsessed with Xiangjiang?

The official answer to the college entrance exam: humor.

An ugly man knows how to use humor to get through plastic surgery.

A powerful person with a sense of humor suddenly becomes the little boy next door, with a red face and narrow eyes, amiable and funny, Dong

Dong Tingfeng has to step aside. (If you have another stand, it’s okay to write about Ting Feng first and then Dong Dong.)

A totalitarian leader is willing to sprinkle a few drops of humor, my mother, It was simply like the nectar from heaven descending to the mortal world, and the spring breeze transforming into rain and swaying the common people. The door to democracy

has been opened wide since then, and the suffering of ants has reached heaven. In the past, I was frightened and fearful, and I was cautious every step of the way, all because of the unpredictable power of God. Now the dragon appears, telling jokes in a clear and coherent manner, and telling jokes again. The quality of education is a treasure if there are many people, and telling jokes...

This... this Is it a dream?

This... ah... is so beautiful, so beautiful!

Students, if there is any sense of irony in what I just wrote, it is just a bad habit. I sincerely want to say something

: Premier Zhu, oh, no, not yet. You see, I am so anxious that I am talking nonsense. What I want to say is, Mr. Zhu, you really Got me hooked.

Zhu said: "The Chinese are the smartest people in the world." Isn't this the central idea of ??Nazism? No one with common sense can be nervous about Zhu's ultra-nationalist words. Zhu then added: "Journalists present, please don't tell anyone..." Another sentence completely resolved the previous tension, because this second sentence was tantamount to admitting that there was something wrong with his first sentence. Vice Premier Zhu knows how to laugh at himself.

Students, be careful and laughing at yourself does not mean that he does not believe in himself. On the contrary, it may mean that he believes in himself more. But self-deprecation can prevent self-confidence

from being too naked and embarrassing others.

Sir Huang knows a lot of successful people, and he finds that most successful people have one great virtue - never let up! People who never fail are most serious. Serious people, in addition to being serious, also know how to recognize people and things, and recognize shit and shit. This statement is not a joke, "Shit is harder than you, and farts smell better than you." It is true that the speaker has evidence and the listener is speechless.

Sir Huang only hopes that after Zhu Xuanfeng's turn, humor and self-deprecation will become a craze that successful people in Hong Kong will emulate. Never retreat from now on. But

Please note that all the rich people have billions of dollars in wealth and they often say "the young man has no money to eat", which is not self-deprecating, nor is it humorous.

　How to say it? Let me give you an example.

It is not humorous for a busty girl to write on her chest: "This is a fake."

The busty girl wrote on her chest: "Not her butt." It was self-deprecating.

06. The Lost "De"

Recently, all the kings of the tutoring world have undergone plastic surgery - skin removal, the tutoring community is still and the river is flying. It is I, Sir Huang, who sacrificed his life to write a book. It is a great opportunity to "replenish" all the students.

Without further ado, Dick, a man who had just completed his college entrance examination, wrote to ask Sir Huang for advice. Sir Huang should do his best. But let me state in advance that Sir Huang’s opinions are for reference only or for laughs. If you do something shocking after reading the full article, it is only the fault of your parents, teachers, brothers, friends, community or the Provisional Legislative Council, and has nothing to do with me or Tung Chee-hwa.

A's question is expressed in her own words. After synthesis, the following points are made:

1 , I can’t find my own direction at all.

2. I don’t know which direction to start.

3. I know that you don’t have to go to college to have a good future, but I don’t even have a clue what I want to do.

IV. I don’t know when it started, but the whole person seemed to be in a maze.

5. Should I make a plan for my future? What should I do?

Oh, to be honest, after reading your letter, I almost didn’t know what I was doing. I felt so dizzy that I wanted to find someone to ask for help.

Your letter is very touching. sharp!

Okay, based on your problem, you are actually sick. You suffer from what we professionals call "I can't wait, I'm going to solve this immediately, I'm going to find my destiny in life in a second" delusion.

Oh my, you have just graduated and you are unable to successfully advance to Form 6. You are studying other courses and you don’t know your true intention, so you feel like you are lost.

Let me tell you about some other cases.

There is a director who hasn’t filmed in three years. He wants to change careers but doesn’t know what he can do. He is lost.

I have a husband who has been married for ten years and has had affairs both inside and outside of marriage, but they are all boring. But I have several children and I don’t know how to keep it going. He is lost.

There are big writers, small rich people, nurses, firefighters, lawyers, criminals, and so on, all of them are lost. In this market, bamboo shoots are hard to find, but there are always lost people.

Ah, being lost is the basic form of being a human being. If the general public is willing to spend more time to calm down, and if Hong Kong's karaoke OK is willing to close for three days, the number of lost people will definitely double immediately.

Knowing that you are lost is a precursor to starting to search. Oh my, congratulations to you.

Anyone who is looking for something should be mentally prepared. Don’t be impatient when searching, because you may have to look for it all your life.

Can we still live? Yes, it has been medically confirmed that if you are searching, studying and working at the same time, you are absolutely healthy and can live to ninety-nine. In the same way, it is the best choice to study civil engineering while deciding whether you like civil engineering. Unless you are afraid of earth and wood in the five elements, but as long as you are not afraid of engineering, it is still worth trying.

Ah, according to Sir Huang, as long as you are willing to put yourself aside and try, you will definitely find a way out. Your only problem is your name. For a girl , whether it is called Dick or Ah, there is something like that...

If you are drunk high, it is better to go back home

Benefit yourself first by harming others, and win with hidden weapons

If people don’t know...it’s better not to be humble...

If you have some free time, you will be cured of serious illness

You are not ugly, you figure it out Ugly, why don’t you have a lot of face and practicality? Your nose is too big and your eyes, ears, mouth and nose are useless

Virgins are not qualified to commit suicide!

Admit your mistakes! Want the other party to recognize it! ! !

It is better to jump into a well and die if you harm others without benefiting yourself~~~

It is not a bad thing not to repay kindness... If you don't repay hatred, you are a scumbag...

Thirty-six articles, bullying the weak

A drop of blood in the world...

Don't tell outsiders...

Like telling outsiders...

Nosebleeds day and night..

Love is like a meteor shower, short and beautiful,

If you don’t have time to fall in love, please go camping with me

As long as you have a swimsuit, everyone can get medical treatment

How are you doing? I have enough three C's, CHEAP, CHEAPER, CHEAPERPER

What you love can't be obtained. What you don't love, you can't get rid of.

I still recognize it after taking off my makeup. It’s called make-up, but you don’t know it’s called disguise

Make-up is called make-up. A woman not only has a make-up for you to see, she also has to make a make-up for you to see.

After exhausting herself to death, Already, if I try so hard, I will die after worst.

The name of Baijia is so good, Gan Dajian Shop only has 100 kinds of wild ones. It is called modest Luo .

Basically, men do three things: don’t take the initiative, don’t resist, and most importantly, they are irresponsible. Dead people.

D employees always say that the boss won’t give out old money, which is a waste of time.

You go back and talk to the Japanese~~Diaoyutai is from China!

You go back and talk to the Japanese!

p>

He gave you a job, half to do things for you, and half to make you angry

D pork chop makes us D men very unhappy

But it makes you D woman so happy

Buffet might as well go too far. Don’t get too high a score for cats

I have a job... called Yin Gong

In love, women are the greatest! A man's sacrifice is for the pursuit of beauty; a woman's sacrifice is just to get a mess! And the greatest thing is that they don't think of it as a sacrifice at all.

Before I fell in love for the first time, my little dragon girl only needed one condition, which was to be beautiful. I know I was so superficial, but at that time I was slim and I didn’t know that my figure was So important.

The golden belt of murder and arson will not be able to help you pull your shoes this time!

It’s not your fault that you can’t sing love songs when you are broken up. Singing love songs when you are broken up is a gas leak, so you can close the window sister.