Text/Li Juan? Photo/Ruo Jia

Hello sister:

There is something I want to ask you about, about children’s early love. I really don’t know how to handle this matter, so I came to ask my sister for advice.

My child is now 17 years old and will soon be a senior in high school. It was also during adolescence, and I couldn’t say much about her. After all, children must be respected, but the matter of puppy love really gives me a headache. As for how I knew about her puppy love, please don't laugh. I used some tricks to get her friends to tell me.

Because of the lack of maternal love, I owe her. She has her own ideas and should be respected as both a teacher and a friend. Because I was busy with business, I neglected to accompany my children. Now that my business has stabilized and my children have grown up, I feel that I am not a qualified father and have missed many stages of my children's growth.

She doesn’t give me time to communicate with me now, and I don’t know what to say.

Actually, my daughter is very independent and sensible. She rarely asks for money from her family. Like me when she was young, my daughter likes to work hard on her own. Although she sometimes makes some mistakes in principle, I Try not to put too much pressure, restraint, entanglement and obstruction on your children. Because I often tell her that even if all roads are inaccessible, there is still one road that can be traveled smoothly, and that is the way home.

What should I do? I am very much looking forward to your suggestions. Thank you very much!

Your reader Zhuichen

Brother Zhuichen:

Have you read Fu Lei’s family letters? I am currently reading this book and have benefited a lot from it.

This book excerpts dozens of letters between Mr. Fu Lei and his son Fu Cong, all of which are details of in-depth exchanges with his son while he was studying abroad.

As a mother, I read these family letters and learned how to communicate better with my children and how to grasp the standards for educating them. But it is said that you can gain your own wisdom by looking at other people's experiences.

There is also a quarrel between Mr. Fu Lei and his son Fu Cong. In the early years, Mr. Fu Lei was strict in disciplining his children and his methods were too extreme. He would often impose it on Fu Cong directly whenever he had something at hand.

Once, he picked up a plate and threw it at Fu Cong, cutting Fu Cong's nose and leaving a permanent scar on Fu Cong. Fu Cong once told his parents' friend Yang Jiang: It hurts so much when my father hits me! A slap in the face is normal.

Once, Fu Lei tied Fu Cong in front of his house, letting the neighbors see that Fu Cong was disobedient, as a warning to Fu Cong.

Frequent beatings and scoldings made Fu Cong very rebellious, and Fu Lei also began to reflect on his education methods.

Especially after Fu Cong went abroad, Mr. Fu Lei made a deep introspection and felt that he was too eager for his son to become a successful child and felt guilty for the physical and psychological harm he had caused to his child. This kind of education made him feel painful. Worry that your children will wander away and become more and more alienated from you. I started writing letters to communicate with Fu Cong.

Of course, this kind of communication must be skillful and cannot be just preaching. After all, the mountains are high and the emperor is far away. If you want your children to listen to your words, methods and methods are very important.

In his first letter, he said:

My child, I abused you, and I will always be sorry for you. I cannot make up for this sin!

Along with your painful childhood, I was in my prime when I didn’t understand the art of being a father. Fortunately, you are so blessed that no matter how hard I hit you, I can't destroy you, thus reducing part of my guilt. But the result is one thing, and the facts of the year are another. Although I buried my past, I could never bury my mistakes. child! child! child! How can I hug you to express my regret and love!

I think as long as a sensible child sees such a sincere apology and reflection from his father, he will be touched.

Later, father and son communicated more by letters. Fu Lei's feudal paternalistic storms are gone, and there are more cordial exchanges between friends.

No matter in terms of life, details of life, artistic accomplishment, or performance posture.

Fu Cong is already in his 20s, and he is still telling Fu Cong tirelessly: What should you do when you meet elders at other people's homes? When talking to elders, you should droop your hands. When entering the house, you should hang scarves and coats in the cloakroom. Knives and forks should not make clinking sounds when eating Western food... I have benefited from reading it now.

Especially when it comes to Fu Cong’s love affairs, Mr. Fu Lei even gave his own examples to speak out. He said that your mother fell in love with me when she was 14 years old and got engaged. Later, I went to study abroad and came back in my 20s. During this time, I also had some ups and downs. When people go out and see the world, their opinions will be different. This is normal. I don't recommend you expend too much energy on this issue so early. And judging from your current situation, you are too unfocused. Basically every relationship lasts about a year. I think it affects your study too much. For now, it is still recommended that you put your studies first.

I think in this regard, you can use letters to communicate with your children like Mr. Fu Lei. This is also a method commonly used by psychological counselors. It is generally used to repair the relationship between husband and wife. I think it can be followed for matters that are prone to conflicts and difficult to communicate. Because in this way there will be no direct conflict with each other, but they will be able to communicate more effectively and say everything they want to say.

Some words are too easy to say, especially words that hurt the other person, we will say them without thinking. When the opponent bounces back, we realize that we can't bear it, it's too heavy. And writing it down requires thinking and writing. There is an extra step, which often makes you more cautious.

Just like playing badminton, if one party exerts less force, the other party will not have to exert too much effort. When the other person sees that your attitude has softened, she will soften too. Really effective communication lies in both parties being able to chat calmly, listening to the other party's voice attentively, and then giving the other party the most sincere and inner feelings.

You can confess your feelings to her. For example, you owe her something, and now you feel guilty. You want to make up for it but don’t know where to start, and you are not good at communicating. I hope she will give you a chance. Express it sincerely and I believe there will be good results.

Like what you said, "Actually, my daughter is very independent and sensible. She rarely asks for money from her family. Like me when I was young, my daughter likes to work hard on her own, although she sometimes makes some mistakes. It's wrong in principle, but I try not to put too much pressure, restraint, or obstruction on my child, because I often tell her that even if all roads fail, there is still one smooth road, and that is the way home. "I think it's very good. It not only affirms the daughter, but also gives her a sense of security. When she feels tired, when she thinks of this passage, her heart will feel warm and empowered.

Writing the first letter in this way will ease the relationship between you and bring you closer. Then say you're looking forward to hearing from her. If she responds and her attitude changes, write her another letter telling her of your concerns. Tell her that if she can handle those things, it will not affect her studies and you will respect her. You can care about her from the perspective of a father, but don't blame or preach. Preaching is the most annoying thing.

But I think based on your evaluation of your daughter, she should be able to handle her own affairs. You may be worrying too much. But I can understand your concerns as a father about your children.

Of course, you might as well be more empathetic, recall in your letter when you were young, and tell her what you did at that time. People always love to tell stories. She will be interested in what happened when you were young, and she will also feel that you are sincere in opening up your heart to her.

In short, proceed step by step and don’t rush.

What do you think?

I hope you don’t find this method troublesome. I think this is the best communication method you can choose at the moment. Give it a try! Waiting for good news ~

PS: Recently, my second child is getting older and more naughty, and my energy is limited, so I haven’t updated it for a long time. If you have any questions, you can still continue to consult, but the speed of compiling them into documents will be slower.

- END -

Li Juan: A native of Ankang, Shaanxi, now living in Kunshan, Jiangsu. I love reading and writing, and I am also good at emotional counseling. Personal signature: "The left hand smells like books, the right hand smells like copper."

Thank you for meeting you. I hope we can become good friends.