I had long said that I would record this experience when I recovered, but I never had time to write. Now that the brain has regained its vitality, reading and organizing language are not as difficult as it was during the severe illness stage, so it is better to choose the right day and start.

I didn’t realize I was suffering from depression at first. During those days, I often suffered from insomnia. I started crying when I woke up in the morning without caring about it. I still cried when I sat at the table at night. Every day, the trash can was full of papers I threw away to wipe my tears and nose.

After a period of time, and I don’t know when it happened, your thinking ability begins to weaken, and your brain becomes stiff and uncontrollable. Your brain cannot function normally except sitting or lying down in a daze. Like a jammed computer, no matter how hard you hit it, it won't help. The whole figure is like being trapped in an abyss, unable to get ashore and unable to move. No matter how time passes by you inch by inch, you can't help but stay where you are.

After spending some time like this, the remaining sense reminded me that something must be wrong. Fortunately, my nature is stubborn, so I informed my friends from out of town and ran to the mental center near the school for a check-up.

I still remember that it was sunny that afternoon and the streets were full of people and cars. When I arrived at the hospital, a chief physician or someone with some title first understood the situation and asked me whether I wanted to choose to have a checkup or see a psychiatrist directly. Then I started to narrate pretending to be calm, but from the first word out of my mouth I burst into tears. The doctor took a box of tissues from the side and handed it to me, and I explained everything carefully.

I have no experience in what to do next, and both the examination fees and the price of psychological treatment are very high for me. I ran out and called a friend. I clearly remember that it was a sunny day and I cried like a ghost alone at the door of the spiritual center. I didn't care what the security guy at the door thought of me. I just remembered that my friend told me on the other end of the phone, go talk to a psychiatrist. I've had a checkup, but it's actually of no use. It's just filling out some forms for a few hundred bucks. Just don't spend that wasted money.

This is why I have not been able to come up with a formal medical certificate until now.

Then I paid three hundred yuan and complained to the female psychiatrist that day for fifty minutes. The psychiatrist sat on the chair opposite me and wrote furiously, recording what I was saying, and asking questions from time to time. This time he didn’t understand why he suddenly couldn’t cry, and he restored all the facts. I was in a good mood on the way back to school, but there was no follow-up to this incident.

The situation did not seem to get worse in the next period of time. There was only a dull pain in the left and right chest, a dull physical pain. With a strong self-help mentality, I visited several hospitals and consulted with my medical school classmates, and took some medicines they recommended.

During this period, the brain function is not as normal as before. Although the number of crying decreases, the ability to respond to reading and class, the ability to accept and process information, including memory, has been greatly reduced. At that time, many of the assignments assigned by the teachers were not completed (I really couldn’t do it, I was not lazy.) It was close to the final exam. I spent almost half the semester running to the hospital or immersed in sadness. Self-rescue had consumed a lot of energy. , I have too much time to take care of myself, so I can only put everything else aside for the time being.

Then one day, a friend who cared about me told me on WeChat: You should put all the chores aside now, put your own happiness and health first, and do whatever you like. What to do.

My heavy brain felt confused at the time. Why? Because at that time, my problem was so serious that I did not have the ability to get the information "what I want to do" from my brain. Apart from the daily necessities of eating, drinking and eating, other things are difficult to do.

For example, under normal circumstances: the movie Happy Twist is released and I am looking forward to watching it. The roadside snacks look delicious and I want to try them. These "thoughts" that are common to normal people were all luxuries to me at the time. My thinking function has deteriorated to the point where all but the most primitive instinctive movements are blocked.

To use a commonly used description for people with depression: My whole person is broken.

No day, no night, no consciousness, no sorrow, no joy, no vitality.

On the surface, they look just like ordinary people, but in fact, they have been swallowed up and corroded on the inside, like instinctive marionettes, dumb and stupid. The host is burned out, leaving only an empty body.

At this point, I finally fully believed that the legendary depression that I thought was out of reach was correct.

I dropped out of school and refused to go back to school. I ran home to recover peacefully.

I know that I am depressed, and I also know that depression comes in many forms. I once started writing a suicide note, but in the process I felt disgusted with my writing style and couldn't use it, so I put it aside. After all, a suicide note is the last piece of writing you leave in this world. Being vain, I still hope that I can produce it to a satisfactory level. There is no deadline for the suicide note, so I will put off the matter of jumping off the building.

My mother took good care of me when I was at home. She had no tasks every day and spent most of the day lying on the sofa watching TV series episode by episode. I can't do other things well, even typing is difficult. A sentence often takes a long time to put together.

Moreover, my head is dizzy and swollen. It is normal in the morning, but every afternoon it feels heavy, very tired, and there is a kind of pressing pain. I don’t know which nerve was damaged, but my brain was trapped and I couldn’t move forward or retreat. The Chinese medicine doctor took my pulse and concluded that my blood supply was insufficient, but I didn't believe it.

If resistance fails, I will compromise.

Time is slipping away in front of the TV screen day by day, and I am unable to resist. Nothing can be done.

Later I thought about relying on medicine, but I didn’t go to a hospital. Why?

At that time, I hardly spoke at home all day long. I also uninstalled WeChat and cut off contact with everyone. My language, expression, and induction abilities were severely damaged. Even if I used all my strength, I It is also difficult to explain to anyone exactly what kind of desperate situation I am in at this time. When you see a doctor, you should at least describe your condition to the doctor, right? I can't express it. I didn’t lose the ability to speak, but I lost the ability to speak.

I originally wanted to write it out, even if it took a long time. I was also afraid that the doctor wouldn't be able to understand my unusual expression of banging my head here and there, so I just let it go.

I have been eating oryzanol and vitamin B1 for a while (I think it was, I haven’t taken it for a long time and I can’t remember it, so don’t imitate me and eat randomly). It was because I searched for bipolar disorder and autonomic nervous system on the Internet. As a result of the disorder, indiscriminate medical treatment for emergencies, I don’t know if it has any effect now. Anyway, I stopped taking the medicine later.

My friend is very worried about me and sent me a text message saying that you should go out and resume socializing, and don't stay bored in the house, otherwise it will be more serious. I don't even want to reply, I'm so tired. But she really cared about me, so she endured the awkwardness and replied, "Hang, don't think about it."

Later, she forced me to put it back on WeChat, but I couldn’t resist her, so I did it. I said you know what? I don’t know why, but whenever I use my brain to think hard about a problem, my left chest will hurt. It’s a real pain, not an illusion. And my brain is very repulsive to me thinking. It seems to have set up a cordon at a fixed position. As long as I cross the boundary a little bit, my brain will force me to stop. It's like the feeling that the border between two countries is heavily guarded by soldiers, do you understand?

I went online to search for autonomic nervous disorders. There seems to be a person on Zhihu who feels pain in his lower body whenever he uses his brain. Do you think he and I have the same disease?

She said don’t think too much. If you don’t think too much, there won’t be so many things.

I almost cried out loud that night. I know my own situation better than others.

From then on, I basically relied on the Internet to save myself, because communicating with others was ineffective. Just like when no one has seen a penguin, your vivid description of this creature will not cause screams, but will only make people think that you are talking nonsense.

They won't understand, and of course luckily none of them understand. They will persuade you in their own way (of course I will still be grateful), such as "So and so is much worse off than you", such as "It's almost done". On the surface, it is a dialogue between you and me, but you can never build up* The chicken crows, the chicken talks to the duck, and plays the piano to the cow.

Depression is a person who is in the dark, a person who draws a wall as a prison, a person who fights alone, a weak, damaged, and incomplete you who tries his best to fight against the big black dog. .

The most cruel part of this is that firstly, your half-dead energy is weakened and your combat effectiveness is sharply reduced; secondly, even though you are so precarious, you still have to bite the bullet and fight alone. You are the only one stumbling along this night. Once you fall, you may lose the bet for the rest of your life.

It is no exaggeration to say that this is the most painful battle in my life.

I struggled in this situation for a long time. Then one day, I saw such a timely push on a certain public account, which seemed to provide help in times of need and gave me hope.

This is the most similar condition to my condition since I saw the topic on Zhihu about the burning pain in the lower body when thinking. The scientific name of this disease is Somatic Sympton Disorder. .

You may not understand, but when I saw this report that day, my first reaction was: It’s really good. It’s not that I’m gloating over my little brother’s illness, it’s that a series of symptoms on my own have finally received a medically reasonable explanation, and it’s no longer “just stop thinking and you’ll be fine.”

In fact, my problem is not that serious compared to Adam's in the article. I do have all of his symptoms. I am fine when I do nothing. Using my brain is the switch that triggers pain. But compared to his level of pain, I was extremely lucky that the pain was not so unbearable and recovery was not that difficult.

I later posted two posts on Weibo to express my feelings at that time (after I recovered, I made them private):

Now that I think about it, I seem to have seen this push. Afterwards, my body and mind gradually began to improve. The appearance of this notification was also the turning point of my depression. I have to mention that those of us who are stuck in the mud and being chased by the big black dog really need some strong cries. It is extremely sad to know that there are people in this world who are in the same situation as us. Big relief.

(I may not be able to describe it accurately, but I really don’t mean to take schadenfreude. I also hope that Adam will have a smooth life in the next life and no more pain)

It seemed that I was understood and encouraged, and I stopped. I took oryzanol and vitamins, and used my remaining reading comprehension ability (it was damaged, but not completely lost, and if the pain was severe, I would close the page to rest), I read a lot of strange things on the Internet, which to a certain extent It influenced and healed me and became a part of who I am now.

For example... I started watching "Rick and Morty". It's absurd, weird, and sad. My friends often advise me, can we watch some positive works? But they don't understand that I actually rely on these... weird channels with a philosophical flavor in my mourning to obtain my source of spiritual energy.

There is an episode of "Rui" where Grandpa created a microscopic battery universe. The entire value of the existence of all life forms in the universe is to provide power for Rick's car, but the creatures in the small battery universe have no idea. Sleep.

I broke out in cold sweats after watching that episode. They live in the dry-cell universe and devote their lives just to get light and heat to marry. So who knows what the busy people on the earth are actually doing. What?

Even the top physicists’ knowledge of the universe and the world is not worth mentioning in the vast and magical nature. What is outside the world?

Is it a car? Is it a motherboard? Or a cartoon-shaped USB flash drive?

This anime is so imaginative that every time I watch an episode, my thoughts drift to outer space along with the plot, and I have long forgotten about the earth and myself. Those struggles and pains were temporarily put aside, and I concentrated on following the director to explore greater possibilities.

(Of course, depression is different and varies from person to person. I watch sad and imaginative blockbusters to rejuvenate. If you can’t, just watch sunny and positive ones!! Remember!)

< p> Moreover, Dan Harmon, the main creator of this anime, gave some suggestions on how to deal with depression that I personally think are very effective:

1: Acknowledge that it exists and accept that it exists. We put so much pressure on ourselves to “feel good,” when it’s perfectly possible to “feel bad,” and even to be good at “feeling bad.” No need to keep secrets. Think of it as a normal thing that has its own existence, like a hat or a jacket.

After all, your feelings are real. (This article teaches you to face depression, admit it, accept it, and find the correct way to get along with depression)

2: Although feeling (real) exists, it is not reality (reality).

I have always kept this sentence in mind, and it has a miraculous effect on correcting my mentality. Your pain is so real, but it is not reality. You are just blinded by reality and cannot see the color. But reality is in color.

The blogger "Nile who writes articles" on Weibo said something similar:

Did you see it? The gloom and despair before your eyes are all false illusions. Even if it is so real, we must move forward bravely to break it, like a warrior slaying the dragon. What we want to save is the lost healthy self.

These words are my tranquilizer. To use a vulgar metaphor: like a person who is drifting on the sea and loses his direction, he sees the lighthouse in the distance and is no longer lost.

These seemingly depressing things are actually my life-saving straw. I rely on them to escape pain and darkness step by step.

In addition to "Mo", I also particularly liked watching Animal World at that time.

If "Mo" is depressing and not suitable to be recommended to all patients, the animal world delivers full of positive energy.

I can’t remember the name of the specific species. What kind of turtles face the fate of being snatched and eaten by opportunistic seabirds at birth? In other words, they are born before they even have time to swim in the sea. Swimming will lead to death. Most other species have the same fate. It is said that "the chance of a sea turtle surviving to old age is about one in a thousand." Nature does not die.

Every species has to pay a huge price if it wants to survive and reproduce.

No matter how small and helpless a living being is, they will try their best to survive and persevere bravely. After all, life is so precious.

Although the survival rules of humans are very different from those of animals, in the final analysis, the persistence and tenacity for life are universal and there is no difference.

Correct or not.

So when you feel pain and difficulty, go and see the little turtles. The road ahead is full of dangers, but they are still forging ahead.

Then I read Zhuangzi’s Life and Death, Qi Peng’s Shang. I watched various documentaries on natural science and physics, including Nietzsche, Camus, and Schopenhauer. After watching Hawking, I watched everything. You ask me if I can understand it? Of course, I can’t understand it and I’ve only tried it briefly. And my brain is not capable of processing such a large amount of information. So why look? Change your thinking and exercise your brain. Force yourself to write down some brief experiences every day. At first, I could only use some simple vocabulary, but the words did not convey the meaning. But just like a person with bad legs and feet who insists on exercising and strives to be able to walk as soon as possible, I am also training my reading and writing skills day after day, and slowly returning to two-thirds of the level before I fell ill.

If you can’t understand, you can’t understand. If you can’t write a sentence fluently, then you can’t write fluently. Open your mind a millimeter every day. As time goes by, the territory of your thinking will expand a lot in all directions. It’s like regaining lost ground. In the end , I really got back all the lost brain functions.

(I have a bit of back pain after writing all afternoon, I will try to finish it today)

Next, I will highlight the key points. Here are the key points of self-help that I have summarized. If you don’t want to read a long article, just go here:

1: It’s a cliché to see a doctor and follow the doctor’s advice. My situation is quite special. I don’t take the antidepressants prescribed by the doctor seriously. Don’t follow me.

2: Mentality. I don’t advise you to be happy. Only if you can be happy will you have trouble. I don't advise you to calm down. It might be more beneficial to cry. The only thing I advise you is to keep the green hills and you won’t have to worry about running out of firewood. alive. No matter how painful it is, you still have to live. Only if you are alive can you be qualified. All survivors are reborn from the ashes in despair. Hold on, you must hold on.

3: Leave everything behind as much as possible and care about yourself wholeheartedly. Stop forcing yourself to take responsibility for other things. The most important thing right now is your life safety.

4: Surrounding environment. Stay away from noisy sounds and friends who don’t understand. Those sounds will push you towards the fire pit. Try to find your voice as much as possible. Getting comfort is the first step to get out. (Be sure to choose teammates with fighting spirit and encourage each other)

5: Exercise. I’m not telling you to run and sit up, but I’m telling you to exercise your brain vitality in a timely manner. Like me, I forced myself to read and write within a reasonable range in the later period, and gradually recovered my brain function. Don’t give up on yourself and get sick, otherwise no one can save you. you.

6: Find your own way. There are many different suggestions on the Internet, but you can refer to them and find the most suitable one.

I can’t remember the rest for now. If you have any questions, please leave a message. I hope everyone can stay healthy and overcome depression. We must despise the enemy strategically and pay attention to the enemy tactically.

It's small things, just be normal, have the belief to win, get out of depression!